Survivor's Guilt

by Cassy Roop

  “Evan, I am so very glad to hear that you found comfort in a new relationship with someone. That is what getting through our grief is about—how to form relationships with the people that remain in our lives instead of focusing on what we no longer have. You know,” she said pausing to look around at the circle. “Life is a gamble, but we are still in the game. Only, we control who wins or loses. It is life’s illusions that will bring us to our knees, but what we have in plain site in front of us that keep us on our feet.”

  Wow. I thought as my heart nearly stopped from her words. I looked to Evan whose lips were set in a hard line as he looked out of the window of the rec center as if he were pondering the same thing I was.

  “Our final exercise tonight is for each of us to take one of these,” Sandi said as she handed everyone a small strip of paper.

  “I want you to write your name on it and then put it in this basket. I’ll then let everyone choose a piece of paper and I want you to write one good thing about that person and then share it with them before you leave. I hope you all have a good night.”

  Sandi walked around and gathered all of our names and placed them in a basket before she walked around the circle again to have us choose one. I reached in and pulled a piece out when Sandi made her way back over to me and I nearly laughed out loud when I saw the name on the piece of paper.

  Evan.

  Fate had a wicked sense of humor.

  I didn’t even have to think about what I was going to say, but instead quickly wrote something down on the paper and then made my way over to him.

  ***

  WHEN ELLIE APPROACHED me as soon as she had written her message on the piece of paper in her hands, I thought she was going to tell me she was ready to go. Instead, she handed me the piece of paper in her hand. Curious, I opened it up to reveal that she had drawn my name.

  I’ll be damned.

  But what was more shocking than the fact that she drew my name, was what she had written beneath it.

  I don’t regret it either.

  ***

  “SHE’S GOOD FOR YOU, YOU KNOW?”

  I nodded my head while I sat with my wife on the back porch swing, glancing out towards the horizon, watching the sunlight dance across the water.

  “I still feel guilty for kissing her. Guilty because it felt like a betrayal to you. Guilty because she felt so guilty. And guilty because I enjoyed it. But also mad as hell because it has seemed to put up a wall between us.”

  “Evan, the guilt you feel is brought on by yourself. We discussed this several years ago if you recall.”

  I squinted my eyes as if the conversation she was referring to would easily come to mind, then shook my head when I couldn’t think of anything.

  “It was while you were doing your residency. One of your patients had…passed on. You came home upset because you had to be the one to tell the family. We talked about how if one of us were to die before the other, what we wanted for the person who still remained.”

  I chuckled, but it wasn’t out of amusement, but instead with sarcasm and resentment.

  “What a great conversation that was. Look at us now,” I bit out, not sure where my anger was focused on.

  “Sweetheart, we had no way of knowing what was going to happen. But if you remember, we both said that we wanted each other to move on and be happy. Do you remember?”

  “Yeah. But I didn’t plan on having to move on, Lil. My plan was to spend everyday for the rest of my life with you next to me.”

  “You are a kind, loving, sexy man, Evan. You have so much to offer others around you. I know you feel closed off and secluded in your own anguish, but for some reason you aren’t like that with Ellie. I knew that I liked her the very first time we talked on the boat that night. I could tell right away that she was warm and caring. If I can’t be the one to get to experience life with you, my wish is for you to have someone like her to spend your days with.”

  “You’ve only been gone for two months, Lilly. Isn’t there some time frame I’m supposed to follow, or procedure that I need to exercise when it comes to moving on? People will think that I have no heart, running after someone so soon after the death of my wife.”

  I faltered trying to get those last few words out. Even though I got the luxury of seeing Lilly on occasion in my unconscious state, it was nothing compared to having her with me physically.

  “There are no timeframes when it comes to the heart, Evan. The heart wants what it wants. You feel a connection with her. I’ve seen her. I’ve watched the way she looks at you when you aren’t paying attention. I’ve seen the sorrow in her eyes from the loss of Jeremy, but when she looks at you, it softens, sometimes even vanishes momentarily. Even though the bond you and her have developed was initially from grief, it has grown into so much more.”

  Hearing my wife take notice and be aware of feelings I haven’t quite acknowledged in myself was an uneasy feeling. I knew that I cared for Ellie, but did those feeling go beyond kinship? Was my need to kiss her the proof that my feelings went beyond friendship?

  “You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to, Evan. But if you do, it won’t hurt my feelings. I want you to be happy. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

  “I know that, but it doesn’t make it easier to admit that to you or myself.”

  “Give her some time. She is still grieving as much as you are. Just help each other. Be there. If it is meant to happen it will. And baby, you have my full blessing. Be happy so that I can rest happy knowing that you are.”

  Her beautiful smile lit up her face, the one she always showed me when she was passionate about something. Slowly, she got up from the swing and began walking through the back yard and towards the water. When she had only gotten a few steps away from me, she turned and smiled at me over her shoulder.

  “Make her your famous pancakes. No girl can resist those. You reeled me in with them,” she winked and just like morning dew when the sun rises, she vanished, fading off into the view before me.

  BUILDING A FOUNDATION

  TWO AND A HALF MONTHS goes by slowly when you miss someone. Time slows. Taunting you with a snails pace as you are constantly reminded through your surroundings of what you lost. I have had to tell myself a ton of times over the last seventy-five days that if I could just have one more day, one more moment to share with Lilly, that I would be satisfied. The bad things about that is that it would leave me wanting just one more day with her everyday.

  The only thing keeping me going was Ellie. We had fallen into a comfortable place with each other since that counseling session where she said she didn’t regret kissing me. I don’t know what I should have felt from her admission, but elation was probably not what it was supposed to be.

  I’ve found myself thinking about her constantly, lately. Thinking about Lilly’s words in my dreams and how she wanted me to be happy. I had no doubt in my mind that Lilly was completely truthful about that, but it still didn’t help diminish the guilt I felt for my growing feelings for Ellie. She had become the reason to help me begin to release my chains of pain, worry, and depression. Some would see her as a filler, someone who I had in my life in order to replace the loss I had endured, but she was anything but. She was a companion. Someone who had grown to compliment my forward path in life. She gave me a sense of renewal, replacing the toxic thoughts and feelings I had harbored since Lilly’s death.

  The ringing of my cell phone broke me from my revere. I had grown to enjoy my morning sitting at the island in the kitchen as I watched the world outside the window pass by. It was the only place of comfort that I felt like I had, where I could just sit and think about anything and everything.

  Especially Ellie.

  “Hello?” I said as I held the phone up to my ear, trying to answer before it went to voicemail.

  “Hello sweetheart,” my mother’s voice rang through the other end. I was too busy trying to answer the phone that I didn’t glance at the screen before answering. />
  “Hey, mom,” I replied with polite fondness for the person who birthed me.

  “What are you doing at the house on such a pretty day. The weatherman says the weather is perfect down there.”

  “Well, currently I’m sitting at the island nursing a cup of coffee. Don’t tell dad that I broke into his secret Colombian stash,” I teased. She chuckled and it warmed my heart to hear the comforts of home. I heard her sigh audibly on the other end of the phone and knew that something was on her mind.

  “The reason I’m calling, love, is to tell you that your father and I have decided that we want to come down for the weekend. Maybe go to dinner with you and just spend some time with you. You’ve been holed up down there for two months now. You need interaction with people. People who love you, Evan.”

  Shit.

  For the last few months, my parents have thought that I have just been down in the Keys trying to get my thoughts clear while I have been on sabbatical from work. They know nothing of the Jet Ski incident, nor about the fact that I have been going to grief counseling. Not that my parents would reject that idea, in fact, my mom will probably be very pleased with that aspect. But they also knew nothing about Ellie. Not her name, the fact that she had been living with me for these last couple of months, nor the fact in which we were so deeply connected. I needed to try and deflect their efforts until I found a way to break the news to them.

  “Mom, really. I’m fine. I’ve been doing much better. I just want to stay a little while longer. There is no need for you to come down here. I could always come home for a few days.”

  “Nonsense, honey. Besides, I think your father needs a break from the hospital. He’s been working long shifts and could use a rest. He isn’t getting any younger, you know.”

  My mother. Always the wise cracker.

  I stumbled around trying to think of anything I could tell them. Anything that would prepare them for what they would find when they arrived.

  “Mom, so I haven’t uh—exactly been here alone.”

  “Oh?” My mother’s hopeful voice rang back at me. I could feel her curiosity and interest practically radiating through the receiver.

  “Well, I’ve been letting someone stay in the basement apartment since I’ve been here.”

  “What? Evan. Do you know this person? Did you do a background check? Are they legal?”

  She spat out questions as quickly as she could.

  “Mom, trust me, everything is okay. She just needed a place to stay because she would be in town for a while. I couldn’t very well make her pay the money to stay in a hotel long term. Especially with it being peak season.”

  “She?”

  Somehow, I knew that one tiny detail wouldn’t slip past my mother. My friends called her bionic when I was younger. They claimed she had the superpower to hear and see all because she somehow knew if we were up to no good long before we ever executed one of our hair-brained schemes.

  “Yes, she, mom. She is a nice and sweet woman. She is clean and isn’t into anything illegal or immoral. You can trust my judgment.”

  “How in the world did you meet her, Evan? You told me you haven’t gone out much.”

  “I just happened to run into her on the beach one day and we got to talking.” Rather ran after her, I thought to myself.

  “Huh,” she huffed. “Have you been spending time with this girl?” She asked inquisitively.

  “A little, but not in the way you are thinkin—”

  “Oh well, I can’t wait to meet her. Listen, baby, the girls are starting to arrive for book club. We’ll see you in a few days. I love you.”

  Then she hung up.

  I just got brushed off by my own mother. And I knew she did it on purpose.

  Shit.

  How was I going to explain to Ellie that my parents would be here in a few days? How was I going to explain to my parents Ellie’s reason for being here?

  Double shit.

  The coffee in front of me no longer had its appeal and the sanctuary of my morning routine was disturbed, so I got up and rinsed out my coffee mug in the sink. I guess it would be better to warn Ellie ahead of time instead springing the news on her last minute, so I walked out the back and down the stairs to her apartment.

  I hadn’t been down here since the night I took her to the carnival, wanting to give her the space she needed, so needless to say, my nerves were heightened. I knocked softly on the door, praying that she either wasn’t home, or that she was still asleep so that I wouldn’t have to break the news of my parent’s impending arrival upon her.

  No such luck.

  She answered almost immediately and goddammit if it weren’t a sucker punch in the ribs when she stood there in the same dress I had bought her. Paired with her bare feet and the one single braid that laid gently over her shoulder, she looked damn near breathtaking.

  “Hi,” she replied sweetly and curiously.

  “Hi,” I replied still awestruck by the beauty of her. I’ve noticed it before. Any man in his right mind would see how completely gorgeous she was, but for some reason, this time, it was different.

  “You aren’t busy are you?”

  “No, I was just reading,” she said and that is when I noticed the large hardback novel in her hands.

  “I don’t want to disturb you.”

  “You aren’t. Would you like to come in?”

  I nodded, following her into the apartment and praying to God to stop me from looking at her ass. Or the way that the dress flowed over it. Nor the way that it sashayed slightly with each step she took. And I definitely didn’t want to look at the tanned and toned skin of her shoulders.

  Dammit. Dammit all to hell.

  She looked up at me and instantly I peeled my eyes away from her and then sat down next to her on the couch. Setting the book down on the coffee table she then tugged her legs underneath her adjusting the dress so that it covered her smooth thighs that had begun to peek out from under the softness of the fabric.

  “Is something wrong, Evan?” She asked as she tilted her head to the side and took in my expression.

  “Um—well, yes—and no. I just got a phone call from my mom.”

  “That’s not very surprising, Evan. My mother calls me at least twice a day I think. Sometimes more,” she teased.

  I took in a deep breath and thought it better that I just laid it all out instead of dancing around the subject.

  “My mom and dad are coming down to visit.”

  “Really?” Her eyebrows perked up and she had a small smile on her lips.

  “Yeah, well, I haven’t exactly been truthful with them. They know nothing about the counseling or the Jet Ski situation or the fact that you are even staying with me.”

  “Oh,” she replied, her tone hinting that she could possibly feel a little hurt about me not telling my parents she was here.

  “Ell, it isn’t you, it’s just that my mother tends to…how do I put this gently? She still thinks I’m sixteen and wants to help control my life. She means well, but she tends to try and stick her nose in my personal business and doesn’t quite know when to back off. If I’d told her a month ago you were here, she would have been down here in a heartbeat asking all kinds of questions about our relationship and why you are here. I didn’t want to have to deal with that. I didn’t want you to have to deal with that either.”

  “I understand. My mom is the same way. My dad however? He’s just a big teddy bear who only wants his daughter to be happy.”

  “Wow,” I chuckled. I think that our parents were cloned from the same cloth.” We both laughed, and it felt really great to just be casual with her, even with the underlying feelings bubbling on the surface.

  “I can always go and stay in a hotel or something while they are here. I don’t want to give you any unnecessary stress or anything. I mean, you’re a doctor and all, but I doubt if you’re allowed to write your own blood pressure medicine.” She was teasing and it was cute.

  Really fucking cute.


  “One, no, I’m not allowed to do that, though I can probably safely say my blood pressure will be a few points higher than normal with my mom here. And two, you aren’t going to stay in a hotel. We’ll just tell them the truth. We have nothing to hide.”

  “They’re going to blame me for getting their son in trouble!” She gasped her hands flying up to meet her mouth.

  “I can’t meet them? What if they think I’m some hardened criminal?”

  I laughed deeply, the effects of her words tickling all the way into my ribcage until my abs hurt from the force.

  “Sweetheart, I would bet my medical license on no one ever thinking you are a hardened criminal. There isn’t a mean bone is this sweet little body of yours,” I said reaching out to tickle her ribs. I watched as her face flushed about twenty shades of crimson as she giggled and it was then that I realized what I said.

  “I meant that you are sweet. No one would think you are capable of organized crime, not that your body is sweet. I mean it is sweet, I just—oh hell. I’m going to quit talking now.”

  This time it was my turn to blush as heat crept up my neck and my ears burned.

  “It’s okay. I knew what you meant,” she said and reached out her hand, planting it on top of mine. The awareness, the feelings came rearing out full force the moment her skin touched mine. Instinctively, I turned my palm over allowing her fingers to thread through mine. It was amazing how just one simple touch from this woman made every dark cloud that hovered over me, melt away, leaving me to bask in her light that shone over me.

  “Evan,” she breathed, but I noticed that she didn’t pull away from me, instead giving my hand a tight squeeze.

  “Ellie, I don’t know what this is,” I said gesturing between us, “I don’t know how to keep the thoughts and feelings I have towards you under control without scaring you or myself into running in the other direction. I can’t deny that there isn’t something there. I can’t say that my mind doesn’t race and that I don’t feel the tiny flutters in my stomach every time I am near you. You make things better for me. Easier. And it scares me.”