Survivor's Guilt

by Cassy Roop

  Instantly, my cheeks heated and my hands flew to my mouth when I realized what I had just said. Evan was chuckling at me while I risked a glance toward his parents who were luckily, engaged in their own conversation.

  Evan reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, taking the opportunity to graze the side of my cheek as he did.

  Leaning in closer he said, “You are incredibly cute when you are embarrassed.”

  His smile was beaming and I couldn’t help but get lost in a sweet moment that passed between us as I returned his smile.

  “Well, I also bet your momma wouldn’t let you butcher such a great song like those three are doing. I think one of my ear drums ruptured,” he said covering his ear with one hand and wincing. It was my turn to laugh and I did so with liberation. It felt really nice to get out and hang out with people. For so long it had been just me and Evan, and even though I was extremely nervous about meeting his parents, they were really great and accepting of me.

  Our moment was broken as a well underserved round of applause thundered the bar when the girls on stage finally finished their song. Shelly delivered our meals to us with precision and I was practically salivating over my plate as the aromas filtered through my nose.

  We all made small talk and dove into our meals as several more people went on stage and tried to sing. Tried being the key word.

  Evan’s dad was hilariously funny when he interacted with Tommy, who came to join us at the table once again when we finished eating. Eleanor also watched her husband lovingly as he and Tommy laughed about times when they were younger. Apparently, Rusty’s parents also vacationed in the Keys every year when he was a child and that is how he knew Tommy who was what he referred to as a “lifer” in the Keys, meaning he had lived here his whole life.

  “I’ll be right back,” Evan said as he scooted his chair back and stood up. Without thinking, I unabashedly watched him walk away, marveling at the glorious view of his backside. When he was out of eyesight, I reached for my water in order to soothe my mouth that had suddenly gone dry. That is when I looked up and locked eyes with Eleanor.

  Shit.

  I just got caught blatantly admiring her son’s ass. If I thought my face turned red when I said vagina earlier, then now I was crimson. No, more like the deep red of garnet. The corners of her mouth tipped up with a small smile before she joined back in on Tommy and Rusty’s conversation.

  “Alright, alright, ladies and gents, gonna have a special treat for you. I’ve been promised one hell of a duet, so please give a warm welcome to Ellie and Evan!” The DJ announced through the speakers.

  “What?” I squeaked as I looked all around for Evan and found him staring sheepishly at me from the stage.

  I violently began shaking my head back and forth.

  “No! No way Taylor!” I yelled above the crowd that was now chanting my name over and over, Evan’s parents included.

  “Come on, Ellie. The crowd wants you up here! Get your cute little ass on this stage or I’ll bring you myself.”

  Forget Garnet. I was probably now a shade of red so deep, it didn’t even have a name.

  Reluctantly, forcefully, and completely against my will, I stood up, my legs shaking beneath me and walked through the people to the stage. I shot a death glare at Evan who only beamed a radiant, completely sexy, and completely unfair smile at me.

  “And here they are folks! Ellie and Evan,” The DJ announced again. Stepping behind his computer, he pressed play on a song all the while I was boring holes into Evan with the promise to kick his ass when this was all said and done.

  A cold so chilling, it settled instantly into my bones as the intro to the song began to play. I could feel all the heat and redness that only moments before crossed my features completely drain from my face. All the background noise around me faded into the distance and the only thing I could hear was the song. I felt dizzy, teetering on the edge between passing out and holding myself together. Tears stung the back of my eyes and my lips trembled to the point it probably looked like I was freezing. Evan, feeding off the energy of the crowd didn’t notice as he began to sing and only looked at me when I didn’t join him. Instantly, his voice quieted and he pulled the mic away from his mouth.

  “Ellie? Ellie, what’s wrong?” He said, his voice dripping with concern. I continued to stand there, barely, as memories flooded in as if the Hoover Dam had just burst, spilling water everywhere.

  The mic in my hand slipped to the floor from my hand sending a horrible squealing sound to pierce through the music playing through the speakers. People quickly covered their ears and Evan tossed the mic in his hand to the DJ and came up to place his hands on my shoulders.

  “Ellie, are you okay? Your face is really white. Baby, talk to me. Tell me what it is.”

  I could hear the fear in his voice, yet it still didn’t prompt a reaction from me for several more minutes.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered as tears now cascaded down my cheeks and I turned from him and ran out of the bar.

  WILL IT EVER GO AWAY?

  “ELLIE?” I HEARD FROM behind me as I sat in the sand mindlessly letting it sift through my fingers while staring blankly at the ocean.

  “I’m sorry, I just needed a minute. I’ll be back inside in a few moments.”

  The soft sound of crunching sand could be heard behind me as footsteps approached where I was perched in the sand. The salty breeze coming off the ocean mingled with my tears. Eleanor sat beside me, not saying anything for a few minutes. It was her silence that was comforting, yet at the same time I felt that if I didn’t talk about it, I would combust.

  “Your husband?”

  I nodded. Eleanor placed one arm around me and hugged me to her side, allowing my head to rest gently on her shoulder.

  “It was the song, wasn’t it?”

  I nodded again, this time my cheek rubbing on her shoulder. I recognized the song almost immediately. Not because it was a very popular one, but because I just so happened to be the same exact song that Jeremy had chosen the night he dragged me to the karaoke.

  I Got You Babe.

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” she said hugging me harder. “I’m pretty sure that Evan didn’t know, nor did he do it maliciously.”

  “Oh, I know that. I trust Evan completely. It’s just—“

  “It’s just what?”

  “It was a song that Jeremy and I had sung together one night when he dragged me on stage to sing with him.”

  “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” She repeated, hugging me closer. We sat like that for several minutes not saying anything. The only sounds were the waves as they beat upon the shore.

  “I can’t pretend to know what you and Evan are going through. I’ve never lost a spouse.”

  She paused, taking a deep breath as her chest rose and fell with the need for courage with her next words.

  “When Evan was three, Rusty and I found out we were expecting. We were so excited when we found out because Evan himself was a miracle. Genetically, I am predisposed with infertility. The doctors never knew why.”

  “I thought Evan was an only child?” I asked sniffling and brushing my hair back from my face to look at her.

  “He is. I miscarried her at twenty-three weeks. The ultrasound showed there was a hole in her heart and she wouldn’t have lived very long even if I were to carry her full term.”

  “Oh Eleanor, I’m so sorry.”

  “I never met her, but I loved her more than anything. It was hard to have to explain to Evan that his baby sister wasn’t coming home. I think it could be a big reason why he became a doctor. That and a little influence from his father.” She chuckled.

  Eleanor turned fully so that she was sitting facing me. Her expression was serious, yet completely kind and warming.

  “When Lilly died, Evan just wasn’t himself. He had issues at work that caused him to be placed on sabbatical. He took off down here and wouldn’t talk to us for several days. I was so worried. I wanted t
o come down here immediately, but Rusty insisted that we give him time.

  “I was worried about what his state of mind would be like when we got here. He and Lilly were best friends. Partners. They loved each other wholeheartedly.”

  I nodded.

  “I know how he feels. It was like that with me and Jeremy.”

  She returned my nod in understanding.

  “We had no idea that you were here with him until our phone call a few days ago. I know what happened was completely devastating, but you cannot understand how thankful I am for you being here for Evan.”

  “He has helped me more than you could ever know, Eleanor. I honestly probably would have lost my mind if it weren’t for him.”

  “Hmmm,” she hummed, agreeing with me.

  “Evan loved Lilly. He really did. They were great together. Even though there is still a small amount of sadness reflecting in his eyes, they absolutely shine whenever he looks at you. I loved Lilly like my own daughter, but the way Evan looks at you…it’s different. I’ve never seen his face light up the way it has tonight. He couldn’t contain his smile. And the way he just watched you even when you weren’t looking has me wondering…”

  “Wondering what?”

  “Is there anything going on between you two?”

  My breath stopped short in my throat and my chest seized briefly from her inquiry. Emotionally, yes I felt like there was something going on between us. Then there was the fact that we had made love only several days ago.

  “I, uh, we’re friends,” I said, stuttering over my own words. It wasn’t an outright lie, but it wasn’t the complete truth either.

  “Well,” she replied patting my hand. “My son would be a complete idiot if he remained just friends with you. I’ve only met you tonight, dear, but I’ve always had good intuition when it comes to people and I feel in my heart you are a wonderful person. I know it is really soon. I know that both of you are heartbroken, but I also feel something from you two that is unexplainable.”

  “You don’t hate me for getting him in trouble?”

  “Ha, no. Honestly, it’s probably the best thing to happen to both of you. My husband was worried about Evan’s career at first, but it won’t have an effect on it. Especially if you two finish the therapy.”

  She looked out at the ocean, the warm breeze catching her hair and pulling it back from her face.

  “I know your heart may not be at peace, Ellie. But it also isn’t hardened forever. You and Evan are still both young. You may feel like you lost your heart the day they died, but you both have so much room left in them, that you will find a way to fill it up again.”

  I laughed, a full on belly laugh as I leaned back and braced myself on my forearms. Eleanor looked at me with question.

  “Oh, I’m not laughing at you,” I admitted, instantly sobering my laugh. “It’s just that Jeremy said the same thing to me.”

  She arched her brows at me in curiosity and confusion.

  “In a dream. I had a dream that I was talking to him and he said those same words to me. That I had so much of my heart left to give, that I shouldn’t give up. At first I thought he was crazy. I thought I was crazy. I mean, I was having a conversation with my dead husband. He felt more real to me that night than anything.”

  “So maybe he really did come to you. If your Jeremy is anything like our Lilly, he wouldn’t want to see you suffer for the rest of your life. That also doesn’t mean that the pain will ever completely go away. You just find a way to move on and live despite the pain.”

  “That’s what our counselor has told us.”

  We sat there looking out at the ocean and I let the breeze dry the tear stains on my cheeks. I took in her words as well as Jeremy’s. Two completely different people, telling me the exact same thing. It wasn’t just coincidence.

  “Thank you, Eleanor. I’m sorry I ran out like that. I hope I didn’t embarrass Evan.”

  “You didn’t.”

  I nearly jumped up from the sand at the sound of Evan’s voice behind me. I was too lost in my own thoughts sitting there with Eleanor that I didn’t even hear him approach.

  “Well, I’ll let you two talk. I’m going to go see if I can pull your father away from Tommy so we can go to the house and rest. Take your time guys. Us old farts are just going to go to bed.”

  I watched her hug Evan and whisper something in his ear before she walked back up the beach toward the bar.

  “You okay?” Evan asked as he came to sit beside me.

  “Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just when that song came on, I couldn’t battle the sadness and it kind of took over.”

  “You sang that song with Jeremy, didn’t you?” He asked, but it sounded more like a statement than a question.

  I nodded.

  “It just feels like taking one step forward and two steps back. When I feel like I come close to accepting his death, something happens to remind me vividly that he isn’t here anymore.”

  Evan reached for my hand and threaded his fingers through mine. It wasn’t done in intimacy or to try and seduce me, but out of complete support. Total comfort, and I let him, welcoming the peace that it made me feel just from the small connection.

  “I never should have tried to get you on stage.”

  “Evan, you had no way of knowing. It’s not like you knew that one specific memory I had with Jeremy would come rising to the surface. You were only doing what you have been doing for the last few months. Trying to bring joy back into my life. I wouldn’t smile if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t laugh if you weren’t in my life.”

  “I don’t want to be the reason for the memories of the past coming back to haunt you.”

  I looked at him, awestruck by the fact that even though his wife died the same time as Jeremy, he was still very concerned with my happiness. Maybe it was his way of coping, by helping me cope. But I also wanted to do the same for him. I wanted to watch him smile more and to help the pain subside so that he would be able to move on and live.

  “You aren’t Evan. You have been every reason for my new, happy memories.”

  Leaning in, Evan instantly pressed his lips to mine. I could taste the bitterness of the hops on his tongue as he slipped it inside when my lips parted. His hands fisted in my hair pulling me close like I was the air he needed to breathe. In that moment I knew that the pain of losing Jeremy would never go away, but Evan was the one person who could help ease the hurt.

  “I can’t stop thinking about the other night, Ellie. Every time I close my eyes, I see the look on your face when you were beneath me. It’s you that has helped heal me from the inside out. I know that I will never be able to replace the void that Jeremy has left in your heart, but I want to be able to fill up what is remaining.”

  Fresh hot tears pricked my eyes from his words and my own became lodged in my throat. The feelings that I have developed for Evan in such a short amount of time were nearly overwhelming. To say that the connection between us was instant would be close to accurate.

  “I want that too, Evan. I want to do the same for you. I want to see you happy. I want to be the reason that you smile. Lilly was no doubt a very wonderful person. I know she would want the same for you.”

  We sat there on the beach as we traded slow, leisurely kisses as if we were not replacing the memories of our past, but creating new ones together. The ocean before us is what took away our life, but it also created this alternate one in which we were both able to find happiness from despair.

  We made promises to each other on the beach, but I also knew that our time was limited. Once we completed the counseling, Evan would go back to Miami and I would go back to North Carolina. There was no escaping the fact that we were from two different places. All I wanted to do was enjoy the here and now. Relish in the time we did have together instead of focusing on what was to come. If anything, Jeremy’s death has taught me to live in the present. To be able to enjoy each moment as they come. I was so tired of focusing on what could have been
and what was going to be, that all I wanted to worry about was now.

  ***

  EVAN’S PARENTS STAYED until Sunday. Rusty and Eleanor Taylor where two of the kindest, and most wholehearted people I think I have ever met. They welcomed me with open arms, accepting me as the new person in Evan’s life even though there was no definition tagged onto our relationship. I guess you could say we were non-denominational. Like a church would claim to be Baptist, or Catholic, even Protestant, we were simply Evan and Ellie. No titles attached, no clear statement of what we were exactly. It was easy. Simple. Uncomplicated.

  The minute Evan was sure that his parents were on the plane back to Miami, he pulled me straight into his arms and carried me down the hallway to his room. In the few months that I have been living under his roof, never once had I been to his room. As he stood me on my feet, I took in the huge four-poster bed that was covered with quite possibly the biggest and fluffiest duvet I had ever seen.

  I walked over, running my hands down the smooth wood of the posts, marveling in the beautiful design and texture of the carved wood.

  “My dad made it. It is a hobby of his, actually. He has a huge shop at home with all kinds of equipment and tools to do this kind of stuff,” Evan said coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me back into his chest.

  “It’s beautiful,” I sighed.

  “Not as beautiful as you.”

  “Now you’re just being cheesy,” I giggled. He pulled my hair to the side, pressing a kiss in the hollow space where my neck and shoulder met. I could feel the tiny bumps rise on my skin and my skin flushed with arousal.

  “I love my parents, but I am so glad they’re gone,” he admitted as he drew lazy circles on my hipbones.

  “If you don’t want this, Ellie. Tell me now. Because I don’t think I can stop once I start.”

  I spun around in his arms, folding my own over his shoulders and gripping his head in my hand to pull him in for a kiss.

  “Mmmm,” he moaned against my lips and the vibration sent a furor to my veins, the blood pumping through them to match the fluttering of my heartbeat. My breathing quickened to the point of lightheadedness and I had to break the kiss so that I could draw in a deep breath.