by Cassy Roop
“We’ll take them,” Evan said reaching into his back pocket for his wallet. I was still completely awestruck, until the woman reached a hand out to lift my chin so that our gazes met. A lone tear crested from my eyes and fell down my cheek.
“I think they found who they belong to. The moment I saw you walk in here, I knew it was you. Call it an old woman’s intuition. Take them. Enjoy them. I don’t know your story my dear, but those beads do. Find comfort in them.”
Evan tried to give the woman money but she refused. It was the strangest, weirdest and kindest gesture that anyone has ever done for me. I didn’t know the woman from any of the other strangers on the beach that day, yet I felt as if she knew more about me than I even knew.
Walking over to a bench, I clutched the beads in my hands, feeling the warmth and heartfelt words she spoke about them.
“Here,” Evan said as he knelt down in front of me as I sat on the bench. Taking the beads from my hands, he then slipped the flip flops from my feet and went to work placing the barefoot sandals on my feet.
His fingertips brushed my ankle, creating a shiver that ran up both of my limbs and hitting me in all the right places. He looked up at me, his blue eyes matching the brilliant cerulean hue of the sky as he completed his task and then placed my flip flops on my feet.
Helping me up from the bench, Evan helped me to my feet and gently kissed me on my mouth before taking me by the hand and continuing our adventure through the craft fair.
It was one of the greatest days I’ve had in a long time.
***
JOURNAL WEEK TWO
FRIDAY
How do you feel about yourself today?
Today was one of my better days. I surprised Ellie with something she didn’t see coming and the smile on her face was all I needed.
Have you internally punished yourself today?
At first I did. I thought I was stupid for not discussing my plans with Ellie first and acting on impulse.
What did you do today to make you feel good?
Getting to see the excitement on Ellie’s face was the only thing I needed to feel good today.
“WHAT IS THIS?” Ellie asked as I extended an envelope to her, trying to hide the shake of my hands with how nervous I was.
“Open it and find out.”
We sat opposite each other at the dinner table, having just finished a phenomenal meal that Ellie had cooked for both of us. We had decided we would go to the farmer’s market every day to get fresh ingredients and then cook a new recipe every night.
I watched as her finger slid beneath the flap of the envelope before her eyes grew wide in disbelief when she pulled out the contents.
“Evan, these are plane tickets.”
“They are,” I replied, reaching for the coconut cream pie in the center of the table that Ellie and I had baked together. She still had some remnants of the flour on her cheek from when we made the crust.
“There are two.”
“Yep,” was all I said as I sliced through the creamy meringue and put a piece on two saucers and extended one to her. Her focus was on the tickets in her hand instead of the desert in mine. When her gaze finally lifted to look at me, I offered her a warm smile.
“You bought me a ticket home? For how long?”
“Well,” I said setting the pie down in front of her, “It’s only for the weekend, but I wanted you to go home and see your family. We have to be back on Monday for therapy, but I figured that two days was better than none at all.”
“Why are there two?” She asked, eyes batting at me quizzically.
“Yep.”
“You’re going with me? Home?”
“If you don’t mind.”
She shot out of her chair so fast, it nearly tipped over backwards. Running towards me with the tickets still fisted in her hands, she threw herself into my lap and pressed her lips to mine, barely giving me time to swallow the pie in my mouth. Looping her arms around my neck, she deepened the kiss, slipping her tongue into my mouth. Her taste was sweeter than any pie could ever taste. Her body more comfort than any food could provide.
“Thank you,” she said between kisses and my resolve was lost and the food in front of us forgotten as I carried her off to my bedroom. I took the tickets from her hand and sat them on the dresser before I took her to bed and made slow, sweet love to her.
***
THE TURBULENCE ON THE plane made my stomach nauseous. Even though Jeremy was taken from me in a boating accident, somehow any kind of commercial transportation made me increasingly nervous. I could feel the blood drain from my face every time the plane dropped or rolled slightly. My only comfort was the fingers that Evan had threaded through my own as he tried to soothe my anxiety.
I called my parents to let them know that I would be coming home for a few days and that I was bringing a friend with me. I explained to mom on the phone about Evan and how we knew each other. She was apprehensive at first, not sure how to react to the fact that I had been with, what she considered, a complete stranger for the last three months. But when she got a look at Evan, all of her anxiety seemed to melt away. My father even seemed to be enamored with Evan as well.
“Oh my God, baby, I’m so glad you are home,” my mother said as she gathered me into a bear hug for about the tenth time since we arrived.
“It’s good to see you too mom.” I replied pulling away slightly to look at her.
“Baby, are you okay? You look kind of pale,” she asked cupping my cheek with her hand and gazing at me with concern.
“I’m fine, momma. I’ve felt a little tired these last few days. I have trouble sleeping at night sometimes,” I answered, risking a quick glance to Evan who was chatting with my father about fishing in the Keys.
“Besides, the turbulence on the plane made me really nervous. I’m glad I had Evan to hold my hand, although he said I almost broke it,” I added, chuckling.
“I just worry about you baby. How much longer do you have until you finish counseling?”
“Sandi, my counselor, said it could be as little as three more weeks. It all depends on if she thinks we are the road to acceptance.”
“And are you?” She asked looking at me for the truth. I looked over at Evan who was smiling and laughing with my dad. It felt so incredibly normal for him to be here, even if he complained about the giant summer bugs and the fact that the humidity of Coastal Carolina threatened to choke him. The heat in Florida was a little different than in North Carolina and some people had trouble adjusting at first.
“I think so,” I replied with honesty, never taking my eyes off Evan as a small smile formed on my mouth. My mom followed my eyes to where Evan and dad were now going into intricate detail about different types of fishing lures.
“You like him,” my mom said breaking me from the daydream I was having of Evan lying on top of me. His warmth being absorbed by my body and the fire that he ignites within me.
“Huh?” I asked turning to her as if I didn’t hear her. I heard every single word she said, I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to admit it to my family yet.
“You heard me, Ellie. You like him. It’s easy to see why. He seems very nice and doting of you. But I also don’t want you to rush into something so soon. I don’t want you to feel like you have to replace Jeremy with someone new just so that you don’t feel the pain anymore.”
Her words stung me slightly, making me stumble backwards as if she had slapped me across the face.
“Jeremy could never be replaced. I would never do that. Evan just understands me. He lost the love of his life too. We are kindred souls. We get along well with each other because we both know exactly what the other person feels. He makes me feel,” I paused as if trying to find the right words I wanted to say, “He makes me feel happy when otherwise I would still be in darkness. He is the only reason I didn’t join Jeremy at the bottom of the ocean. Not only did he save my life once, but twice.”
“Sweetheart, I didn’t mean it tha
t way. I promise. Of course Jeremy can never be replaced. I think Evan is great and if you feel something for him, then we are completely okay with that. I just want you to move forward with no regrets.”
She hugged me, and I wrapped my arms around her seeking the comfort that only a mother can provide.
“They’ve been asking about you, you know.”
“What? Who?” I asked pulling away from her.
“Bob and Linda. They call often actually. They loved their son, but they also love you very much as well. I told them you were still taking a break. I didn’t tell them about the whole counseling thing.”
“Thank you. I should go see them while I am here.”
“I think they’d love that.”
***
I STOOD ON THE PORCH of the house that I had gone to many, many times over the past four years. This was the first time that I had come here and Jeremy wasn’t either here or with me. With a shaky hand, I lifted my hand to ring the doorbell.
“Are you okay?” Evan asked nudging my shoulder. I was so stiff, he could have knocked me completely over with a gentle push. I swallowed over and over trying to keep my emotions at bay. I thought that having Evan here with me would give me the strength to see Jeremy’s parents for the first time since the funeral, but then I also started to think it was a bad idea.
“I’m just nervous. I’m glad you are here, but I am also scared of what they will think of me.”
“Ell, I can go sit in the car if you want. I just want to be here to support you. I won’t be offended by any means if you told me to wait for you.”
And therein was the reason I felt myself falling for him. His concern for my feelings over his own melted my heart in more ways than one. I could see the uncomfortable and invading feeling that he was trying desperately to hide from me. The fact that he was even pushing those feelings aside for me was more appreciated that I could ever verbalize.
A tall, thin woman answered the door. Her hair was shorter than I’d last remembered it, but the same blue eyes that I had admired for four years stared back at me. Jeremy’s eyes.
“Ellie,” was all she managed to say before a small sob came from her mouth and her hands lifted to try and control the emotion.
“Hey, Linda.”
I stepped forward into the threshold and wrapped my arms around her, hugging her to my chest as my own eyes began to water.
“It’s good to see you, baby girl,” Linda said pulling back from me and wiping the tears from her cheeks.
“Look at you. All golden and tanned,” she said with a smile, trying to lighten up the mood.
“Yeah, the Keys feel like living on the surface of the sun some days,” I joked. “This is my friend Evan. He…he was on the boat the night…”
I couldn’t finish my sentence.
“Evan Taylor,” he chimed in, extending his hand to Linda.
“Pleasure, Evan.”
Linda’s eyes looked between us questioningly, as if trying to assess our relationship.
“I lost my wife in the accident. Ellie and I have become good friends and have leaned on each other for support. It is great to meet you. I have heard nothing but great things about your son. I’m incredibly sorry for your loss,” Evan said, once again jumping in to save me.
“Likewise. Well, don’t just stand out here on the porch. Come inside. I just made sweet tea,” Linda replied as she stood back and allowed us to enter the house.
I knew that it would be hard coming here. I knew that about a million memories of Jeremy would hit me all at once as soon as I stepped over the threshold. What I wasn’t prepared for were all of the pictures. Pictures of him and his parents. Pictures of him by himself. Pictures of the two of us. But it was the hardest to see the huge blown up one that sat on the mantle above the fireplace.
Our wedding day.
Jeremy and I stood facing each other with huge smiles on our faces, but the part that stung the most was seeing the love in both of our eyes as we looked at each other like we would never grow tired of doing it.
“Linda, whose rental car is that in the driveway?”
Just as the question passed his lips, Jeremy’s dad, Bob, walked into the living room.
“Ellie girl,” Bob said, breathing out the nickname he had always called me, as the realization that I was in the room hit him. In three strides he was instantly pulling me into a tight bear hug.
“Bobbie bear,” I replied calling him the name I had always called him.
“You sure know how to make an old man choke up baby girl. When did you get home?”
“Uh, just yesterday. I’m only here for a few days. I have to go back.”
“What?” He asked as he pulled away from me holding me at the shoulders. I felt comfort with his strong hands on me, so gentle and warm. I always called him Bobbie Bear because the man was huge, yet he was one of the kindest; most gentle human beings I have ever known. Much like Jeremy.
“Maybe we should sit down.”
With Evan by my side, I told them all about losing it after the funeral and taking off to Florida. I admitted my guilt to stealing the Jet Ski and that if it weren’t for Evan, I could have killed myself out in the ocean that day. I filled them in on how Evan and I have helped each other try to cope with everything by confiding in each other and about the counseling.
What I didn’t tell them was that every time Evan touched me, I felt butterflies in my stomach, or that fire ignited within me just from one look. I definitely didn’t tell them that I harbored both passion and guilt at the same time for wanting him so much, but still missing Jeremy at the same time.
“Wow,” Linda said after I had finished.
“Yeah.”
“I think I need a drink after all of that. Anyone want some tea?”
Bob and Evan both smiled as they nodded their affirmation and Linda rose to go into the kitchen.
“I’ll help you,” I offered, rising up to follow her.
Going to the fridge, she pulled out a large pitcher while I reached for the glasses, familiar with where everything already was in her kitchen.
Linda sat the pitcher down on the counter and sighed before turning to me.
“Is there anything more going on between you two?”
I wasn’t completely stunned by her question, a little taken aback yes. Even though there wasn’t anything accusing in her tone, I still felt scrutinized. I mean, she was the mother of my dead husband, and here I brought another man into their home.
“I, uh—” I stuttered, not quite able to find the words to describe the more she was wanting to hear about. How was I supposed to tell her that in a matter of several months, I have mourned my husband, her son, yet found comfort and other things in the arms of another man?
“Ellie, it’s okay. I know you loved Jeremy.”
“I still do,” I admitted, tears springing to my eyes. My heart ached having to admit my feelings to her. The last thing I wanted was for her to think I was insensitive to the fact that I had lost the love of my life only a short time ago, yet now developed feelings for someone new.
“I know that too, sweetheart. When you look at Evan, I see a fire in your eyes. The same you used to have when you looked at Jeremy. But I also see hesitation.”
I nodded, my throat feeling tight to the point I didn’t think I could speak or the tears would start flowing. Completely ignoring our task of pouring tea, she reached for my hands, rubbing her thumbs on the tops of my knuckles.
“Bob and I love you like a daughter. Hell, you are our daughter. But baby, we want you to be happy. Jeremy would want you to be happy. I know you feel guilty. I know it hurts to think about moving on, but sweetheart, you have to.”
She nodded towards the living room.
“He looks at you the same way you know. When you aren’t watching, he watches you. Studies you. His eyes sparkle, but I also see the hesitation within him too. It is like you both want more, but are too afraid to define it. Afraid to want it. Jeremy was my son and
I loved him more than anything. I know you did too, but you cannot let his death hold you back from life. You can’t let his passing keep you from finding something that is maybe bigger than you ever thought could be possible. I know Jer was your first love, and that you will never get over him. It’s impossible. Everyone remembers the very first person they fall in love with. Whether the relationship made it in the end or not, the heart never forgets.”
She paused, looking towards the living room and then her eyes met mine once more.
“What if that man in there, what if he was there for a reason? What if it wasn’t just coincidence that you two were brought back together? What if he could be your true love?”
A wave of dizziness overcame me and I had to grip onto Linda’s hands a little tighter to keep from falling to the floor. The breath lodged in my lungs and for several minutes I think I forgot how to breathe.
“Are you alright?” Linda said, concern in her voice as she wrapped an arm around my back to support me.
“Yeah, I think I’m still overwhelmed by it all. Losing Jeremy, the way I feel about Evan. It can all be just—overwhelming.”
When she was sure I was steady on my feet, she reached a thumb up to wipe the tears that had trickled down my cheeks.
“No one should have to go through what you have, but that doesn’t mean you have to live the rest of your life in turmoil. You deserve happiness just like everyone else, Ellie. If what you feel for the man in there is real, then don’t fight it. No regrets. No worries. Jeremy wouldn’t want that.”
She smiled at me and I nodded my head.
“Now, let’s get this tea in there to those men before they think we ran off and left them,” she laughed.
JOURNAL WEEK TWO
SUNDAY
How do you feel about yourself today?
If I had to pick a word to describe today, it would be relief. Relief that my guilt and hesitation about the relationship between Evan and I is brought on completely by myself. I am the only thing that has been holding myself back from happiness. I am the one that is putting the wall between my past and my future and blocking me from seeing past anything but the present.
