Survivor's Guilt

by Cassy Roop

  “Maybe some juice or ginger ale to get this horrible taste out of my mouth.”

  “You got it.”

  The nurse left, leaving Evan and I alone in the room. He took hold of my hand as he sat in the chair next to my bed, clinging to me as if I would float away.

  “Did you get sick again?” He asked, his eyes not looking at me.

  “Yeah,” I said, tucking my chin and fidgeting with the blanket in my lap with my other hand.

  “Evan, I’m—I’m scared,” I finally admitted as the tears that had been pooling in my eyes fell down my cheeks.

  “Baby, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Whatever this is, we’ll get through this together.”

  I melted at his endearment, momentarily forgetting that I was sick. How I ever thought that I could walk away from this man and forget everything we have been through together, everything we discovered about one another, forget how much I loved him, I was sadly mistaken. Even though my stomach turned unpleasantly from being ill, it also fluttered with the thought of getting to see him everyday. Have his arms wrapped around me and seek his comfort, his strength, his love for as long as God will allow.

  Since Jeremy’s death, I’ve had the realization that life is too short. We are only given a certain amount of time on earth, so we should live every day as if it would be our last. The torture of not seeing or being with Evan for the past two weeks was nearly my undoing. I want him in my life, and if it meant that I had to move to Miami to be with him, I’d do it. When Jeremy died, I never thought that my heart would feel so full again. Evan didn’t just fill up the void that Jeremy left, he healed it. Healed me in ways I never thought I would be able to again. He brought new life to me when it was so tragically ripped away from me.

  Evan rubbed his thumb over my knuckles as we sat silently in my room waiting to hear from the doctor. When the door finally opened, both of our heads snapped up simultaneously. I was both disappointed and yet relieved that it wasn’t Dr. Clark. I wasn’t sure if I was quite ready to hear what was wrong with me. It had to be more than just my appendix from the look on the ultrasound technician’s face as she read the monitor.

  “Dr. Clark wants me to get this IV of fluids going for you. He said your lab results showed that you are severely dehydrated, which is probably why you passed out and have been feeling dizzy lately. He will be in in just a few moments to speak to you.”

  She smiled as she said this, and I knew she was trying to be friendly, but I couldn’t help but feel like she was trying to hide something from me.

  After hooking me up to the IV, Dr. Clark walked in and I could feel the blood drain from my face. I couldn’t tell from his expression if the news was good or bad, but at least I had Evan here for support. Shortly after the doctor greeted us, my mom walked back into the room.

  “Evan,” Dr. Clark said addressing him, “The chief of staff said he could meet with you this afternoon if you’d like.”

  Evan smiled warmly and thanked him as he shook his hand.

  “What’s going on?” I asked looking between the two men.

  “Good, they got you hooked up to the fluids. We’ll probably want to keep you here for a while to make sure that you get plenty of fluids. We have to make sure that body of yours remains good and healthy.”

  He was smiling at me and it angered me. How could he have such a happy look and attitude when clearly there was something wrong with me? The fact that he seemed to ignore my question pissed me off a little too.

  “So, Mrs. Morris. The reason you passed out and was feeling dizzy was because you are severely dehydrated, probably due to getting sick so much. Hyperemesis does that to some women. We’ll get you feeling better and I can prescribe some medication to help combat the nausea. It will help you keep food and fluid is so that those babies can continue to grow nice and strong.”

  Dr. Clark wrote some things down on his clipboard as he looked at all the monitors and I nodded my head in agreement until suddenly all the blood drained from my face and my eyes grew wide.

  “Did—did you say baby?” Evan asked looking at Dr. Clark as if he were going to sprout a second head. I couldn’t find my voice. Couldn’t breathe. My throat tightened and all I could do was stare down at my stomach.

  “Indeed. Mrs. Morris is about eight week along. That is why she has been getting sick so much. Hyperemesis usually begins anywhere between weeks four and six, which is why you have been feeling ill for several weeks now,” he said turning to look at me. I finally glanced up to find Evan’s wide eyes locked onto me, his posture still and motionless as if he were to move, would shatter something.

  “I’m pregnant?” I asked, not taking my eyes off Evan.

  “You are. Congratulations. “

  “But you said babies. Not baby,” Evan said turning to Dr. Clark.

  He smiled.

  “Indeed. Mrs. Morris is having twins.”

  ***

  I COULDN’T MOVE AS if my feet were super glued to the floor. My lungs protested against any air I tried to breathe and my stomach bottomed out. Of all the scenarios that ran through my mind as to why Ellie was so sick, being pregnant never crossed my mind. It all made complete sense now. The random times she would run to the restroom. Her lack of any appetite. Being tired so much.

  “I’m sorry, but I thought you just said I was having twins,” Ellie all but barked into the room, her voice a few octaves higher than normal.

  “I did. Twin pregnancies can tend to make the morning sickness more severe due to higher levels of HCG in the system. Congrats, mommy. I’m going to go get you some medicine for the nausea since the nurse told me you got sick earlier. It should help you to keep from throwing up.”

  Dr. Clark left the room and I stared at Ellie who had both of her hands placed protectively over her belly as if she were holding her babies.

  Holding my babies.

  “Please say something,” she begged, not looking up at me.

  “Tell me this is all a crazy dream,” she added.

  Prying my lead-heavy feet from the floor, I took the few steps to be at her side and sank down into the chair.

  “We’re having twins,” I said not taking my eyes from her. She took a shaky breath and then lifted her head to look at me, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

  “We’re having twins,” she whispered.

  Love surged through me and I smiled, making my face hurt from the intensity of it. I jumped up from the chair and crashed my lips to hers, never having been more excited in my life. I kissed her with all the love and happiness I felt in my heart. My chest was so full, I felt as if my heart would burst from my chest. My thumbs stroked her cheeks when I pulled back, both of us panting and breathless.

  “Well, I guess if this doesn’t give me even more reason to move here, then I don’t know what does.” I smiled, taking in the gorgeous features of her face.

  “You’re moving here?”

  “Without a doubt. I’m meeting with the chief of staff of the hospital later. There is an open position in pediatrics.”

  “I—I don’t know what to say.”

  “I love you would be pretty perfect right now,” I teased.

  “I love you,” she replied. No hesitation. No fidgeting. Just pure love staring back at me in her eyes.

  “We’re going to be parents.”

  “Yes we are,” I replied kissing her again.

  “DR. TAYLOR CALL extension four-three-seven. Dr. Taylor, call extension four-three-seven.”

  My name sounding through the speakers of the hospital room were muffled as I removed the stethoscope from my ears.

  “You’ve got one strong heart there little buddy. I bet you have some super powers, huh?”

  The little boy laughed shaking his head as my pager in my pocket went off.

  437 read out on the screen.

  “Excuse me for a moment. I need to take this,” I said to the child and parents who all nodded at me. Stepping out into the hallway, I removed my cell phone from my
pocket and dialed the extension.

  “Reception, Callie speaking.”

  “Hi Callie, it’s Dr. Taylor.”

  “Oh, yes. You are needed in maternity as soon as possible.”

  My heart rate sped up and I nearly dropped the phone from my hands. Running at a sprinter’s pace, I made my way down the hallway, trying to dodge people along the way, to the nearest elevator. I shot out a quick text with shaky fingers to the night shift supervisor letting her know that I was heading to maternity.

  I’d only spoken to Ellie a few hours before and she had told me she was experiencing discomfort earlier that evening, but who wouldn’t at thirty-six weeks pregnant with not one, but two babies.

  This was the day I have waited my whole life for. Working with children, I had always wanted to be a father. On the night that Lilly died and she had told me she was pregnant. I was over the moon, but having to mourn the loss of my child I never got to know, was something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. With Ellie, I felt like God was giving me a second chance. Another, or should I say two other, opportunities to be a dad and to love someone more than my own life.

  Scanning my badge, I made my way to the maternity ward housed on the sixth floor.

  “Ellie Morris? Where is she?” I asked as I stopped at the nurse’s station, looking around at all the rooms and trying to find her.

  “Room twelve-fourteen, doctor,” she smiled and once again, I took off in a mad sprint. When I found her room, I saw Ellie lying on the bed, sweat already beginning to soak her hair, causing it to cling to the contours of her face.

  “Evan,” she exclaimed just before she squeezed her eyes shut and crinkled her nose in pain.

  “I’m here. I’m here, baby,” I said taking her hand to help her through the pain of the contraction.

  “Why didn’t you call me?” I asked when I noticed the pain subsiding and her grip on my hand eased.

  “I—There wasn’t much time. One minute I was getting up to get a glass of water, the next minute my water broke and the contractions started not long after. I called mom to help me and she drove me straight here.”

  I stroked her hair out of her face and reached over to the bedside table and brought the cup of ice water to her lips.

  “Besides, I knew you were busy with patients so I had mom call the hospital to page you on our way here.”

  I looked over at Ellie’s mother and smiled at her. She looked just as scared as I was but also giddy with anticipation.

  “Oh, God!” Ellie exclaimed as another contraction came.

  “Hello Dr. Taylor, Mrs. Morris. Are we ready to become parents today?” One of the obstetricians said as he walked into the room, extending his hand for me to shake.

  “Can—can I get an epidural?” Ellis asked as she panted out breaths and I stroked the back of her hand with mine to try and offer as much comfort as I could.

  “Let’s see what your progress is and find out shall we?”

  I watched as the doctor examined Ellie, anticipation building within me every second. Ellie and I had decided not to find out the sex of the babies, wanting to be old fashioned and wait to be surprised, and I was more than eager to see what we were having and to meet and hold my children for the first time.

  “Ellie, you are at seven and a half, almost eight centimeters. There isn’t enough time to administer an epidural. I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Ellie yelled and I couldn’t help but chuckle. Ellie was normally controlled, poised and polite to anyone.

  “Oh it’s funny? This hurts you know!”

  “I know baby, I’m sorry,” I replied, trying to hide my smile from her. I wasn’t happy that she was in pain. Far from it. In fact, it killed me to see her like that.

  Over the next hour, things progressed quickly and before I knew it, Ellie was pushing and the cries of my first born child filled the room.

  “It’s a girl,” the doctor said smiling and Ellie paused to take a few breaths in between her contractions.

  “Hear that, baby? We have a girl,” I said leaning in to kiss the woman who owned me completely. Now there would be two women in my life who would have me wrapped around their fingers.

  Seven minutes later, our son was born. Both babies beautiful just like their mother. Both of them with blue eyes just like both of us. Both of them loved beyond comprehension.

  When all the commotion was over, the lights were dimmed, and it was only Ellie and our beautiful newborns in the room, I couldn’t help but look at the three most important people in my life with all the love I felt inside.

  “Think we should name them now?” Ellie asked, her eyes half closed with exhaustion, yet not wanting to go to sleep in case she missed a single moment of their first few hours of life.

  “What were you thinking?”

  “Well,” she said looking down at our daughter who was nursing on her breast. It was one of the most gorgeous images to see, making me wish I had a camera to capture the moment. It didn’t matter that I didn’t, I would have it committed to memory for the rest of my life. “How about you name him, and I’ll name her? Grab a piece of paper and write down the first name that comes to your mind. That is what we should name them. Don’t think about it. Just the first name.”

  I handed her a pen and a piece of paper and picked up my son out of the clear bassinet and took him over to the corner to sit in the chair. Looking into his face, I smiled because the name came so effortless to me and I only hoped that Ellie would like it as much as I did. After writing it down on the piece of paper, I reached in to my pocket, careful to make sure that Ellie wasn’t watching and placed something inside before folding it up and waiting for her to finish.

  “You ready?” She asked and I smiled at her and walked over to her bedside with our son snuggled in my arms. I was nervous as I handed her the paper and reached for the one she had written on in return. Moving slowly so that she didn’t wake our daughter who was now asleep in her arms.

  With eager anticipation, I watched as she unfolded the piece of paper and the object I placed inside fell upon her blanket. She looked at it with wide eyes before she looked at what I had written on the paper.

  Jeremy Wade Taylor

  P.S. He would like to know if you would marry his daddy?

  Tears streamed down her face as she looked up at me with more love than I had ever seen come from anyone. It’s weird how fate works. God has so many different plans for us that we couldn’t even begin to comprehend what is in store for our lives. Even though our love was formed from tragedy, it is how we had gotten here today. More in love than we could imagine possible and with two beautiful, healthy babies to celebrate that love.

  “Well, tell Jeremy that his mommy says yes.” She smiled as she slipped the ring in her lap onto her ring finger. I leaned in as easily as I could with a sleeping newborn in my arms and brushed my lips across hers.

  “Thank you,” was all she said and then gestured toward the piece of paper in my hands. Carefully, I opened it to reveal the name she had chosen for our daughter.

  Lillian “Lilly” Joseli Taylor.

  The End.

  When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways-- either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.

  ~Dalai Lama

  Acknowledgements

  I hate writing these things because I am always afraid that I will leave someone out. I have been blessed with a fabulous group of people who have been with me from the very beginning you know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  To my 2 best friends in the whole world, Judi and Emma. I can’t go a day without talking to either of you because my life isn’t complete without a little of you everyday. You inspire me, keep me in line, and love me despite my faults and you praise my accomplishments. More than anything you are just there for me and I love you both dearly.

  To my family who never thought I was crazy for
perusing this “author thing”. Instead, you have always supported me without ever thinking twice. I love you all with all that I am.

  To two other really great friends who I have had the pleasure to get to know even better. I enjoy our daily “bestie” chats and the fact that I know you have my back no matter what. Love you Summer and Tyf.

  About Cassy Roop:

  Cassy is a fitness goddess by day and romance author by night. When she isn't writing furiously on her next novel, she's making books look beautiful inside and out as a graphic designer. She has an unhealthy obsession with peanut butter, pedicures, and all things Les Mills group fitness. She has has on occasion been seen purchasing clothes that aren't athletic apparel (although rare).

  She released her debut, The Price of Love, in March of 2014. The Celtic Knot Novels are her first erotic romance series and Books 1 and 2, Ashley's Bend and Figure Eight both reached #1 in Erotic Thrillers on Amazon. Book 3, Triquetra, released September 22, 2014 and book 4 the companion novel, Axel Hitch in December 2014, and VOID in February 2015.

  Connect With Cassy Roop Here:

  Website: www.CassyRoop.com

  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cassyroop

  Twitter: https://twitter.com/cassyroop

  Goodreads Page: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7847487.Cassy_Roop?from_search=true

  Amazon Page: http://www.amazon.com/Cassy-Roop/e/B00J1UX9JE/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1415130653&sr=1-2-ent