He slams the lid of the picnic basket closed and lifts his gaze to look at me. “I’m so sorry. I swear, it was them and not me.”
“I wanna know what’s got you so embarrassed?” I try to open the lid, but Tobias lays his hand over it, not allowing me to look. “Come on, show me.” I nearly beg.
“It’s a condom.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I told you, I’m so sorry.”
Slowly, he lifts his head to find my eyes. I’m somewhere between shocked and amused. I thought I’d be freaked out, and to a degree I am, but a laugh rips through me. “I bet it was Clara,” I say, still laughing.
“Please don’t think I did it,” Tobias pleads with me.
“I don’t. Not after you told me what Dad said to you back at the house.”
“When they were packing the basket, Clara told me to wrap it, and to make sure it was on properly. I knew what she meant, and then I left the kitchen. I didn’t for one moment think they were going to actually include a condom into the picnic basket.” His tone is so deadpan I know he’s sincerely honest.
The red on his cheeks has now calmed to a dark pink. I’ve never seen a guy stay embarrassed for so long. “Most guys would be all, ‘Unless you want me to use it, babe.’” I mimic a deeper voice. “I can tell by the color of your face you honestly didn’t know it was in there.”
He hides his face behind his hands, and chuckles. “I can’t apologize enough. I’m going to have to talk to them about this.”
“Don’t worry about it. I see it as they care. They don’t want you knocking anyone up, or worse, contracting a disease. If you really think about it, it’s quite responsible of them to include a condom.”
He scrunches his brows together as his eyes widen. “You’ve surprised me. I was expecting you to lose it with me.”
“Why would I lose it? Either way, if you had packed it—which you said you didn’t—it would have been responsible of you to pack a condom, just in case. But you didn’t, which means Clara and your mom have already thought ahead for you and want you to be safe. Just because it’s there, it doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with you.”
“Oh shit, Ivy.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Can we change the conversation please?” Tobias takes a deep breath, begging me with his dark, broody eyes.
“Tell me about your dad. Where is he?” I ask as I take a small sandwich and nibble on it. Tobias stills his hand. It’s obviously a sensitive subject for him. Maybe his dad has another family and wants nothing to do with him. Or maybe, he’s a drug addict living on the streets somewhere. Maybe he’s part of an outlaw motorcycle club and his family is trying to get away from him. But the lack of any response, and the way Tobias has frozen, are enough to tell me he doesn’t want to talk about it. “It’s okay, you don’t have to answer.” But it does intrigue me, and I want to know his story.
I suppose we all have a story to tell.
We all have secrets we don’t want to share.
And we’re all embarrassed about something.
Maybe Tobias’s dad used to be abusive toward them, and they left him. Who knows?
“Yeah, he left when I was young. I don’t know him.”
“Do you know where he is?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Have you ever tried to reach out to him?”
Tobias stands and starts pacing back and forth in front of me. His shoulders are high, and his face is etched with discomfort. “Um…” Suddenly, he stops and moves to kneel in front of me. “Look, my dad’s not someone I want to talk about. He’s not a good man. He never has been. The things he’s put us through isn’t a topic I want to rehash. It’s not you, Ivy, really it isn’t. But I don’t want to talk about him. Maybe one day I’ll tell you, but not now.”
I’m torn, because as much as I do want to connect with him on a deeper level, I also understand that this is a part of his life he’s not ready to talk about. What has made Tobias so closed off? It’s like he’s built walls high around him, and he only lets small parts of him through for the outside world to glimpse.
Bile rises to the back of my throat, and I get an overwhelming feeling that his father must have been abusive toward Tobias’s mom. Domestic violence is at epidemic levels, and so real it wouldn’t surprise me.
“I get it,” I say. “Sometimes ghosts aren’t friendly.”
“I just wish this ghost would die.”
Man, that’s seriously screwed up, to wish death on a man he has nothing to do with.
“Katie seems to have left you alone,” I say, trying to swing this conversation in a different direction and lighten it up.
“Yeah, right.” He sits on his butt in front of me, and grabs the container with the pasta salad, and bowls that were packed in the basket. “Want some?” he asks as he empties some of the contents in his bowl.
“I’ll stick to the sandwiches and the strawberries.”
“Katie,” he says as he shovels some food in his mouth, “is leaving me alone, but the giggling and the hair twirling around her finger is a dead giveaway she’s trying to flirt with me.”
“You got to know you’re nice to look at. I’m surprised more of the girls at school haven’t shown interest in you.”
“I’m surprised none of the guys have snapped you up,” he counters.
“Not interested.”
“…until now,” he adds.
Cheeky bastard. “Ugh, even then.” I shrug, feigning disinterest in him.
“Tease.” He laughs but keeps eating.
There’s just something about Tobias. It’s raw and tender, with an underlying hint of emotional turmoil. I wonder if this is why we’re drawn to each other? Are we both damaged and looking for someone who will accept each other’s ugliness?
“You could have Katie.”
“Huh?” He places his bowl on the picnic blanket. “Where are you going with this, Ivy? What’s Katie got to do with anything?”
“Katie is pretty, and smart, and has a great body. Why wouldn’t you go for someone like her, instead of me?”
His fingers skate over his tattoo. Stay strong. “Beauty is subjective. I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She’s okay, but she has nothing on you.”
Smirking, I tuck some hair behind my ear. “But she’s…”
“Not you. She never will be.”
God, in this moment I want to say something super corny, but I hold it in. There’s something between us; I can feel it. “It’s calming, us being here. I feel different when I’m with you.”
He says nothing.
Does he feel the same? Does he feel what I feel?
“I’ve waited for you for a long time, Ivy. I never really thought I’d ever have this kind of connection with someone. I refused to believe that I could find anyone like me.”
“Like you?”
“Someone who ignites something inside of me. A part I thought was never going to live again. You’re my angel, Ivy. From the first time I saw you, I knew you and I both have a story to tell. Your heart is as loud as a howling wind, but your demons drown it out.” The hairs on my neck stand to attention. He knows. “Just like my demons.”
“One day, maybe we can be more than two people with secrets.”
He moves forward, and embraces me. “We’re already on the way to that happening. We’re both ready to pull down the walls we’ve built around ourselves.” He pulls me on top of him, so I’m sitting on his lap. “This isn’t something quick or easy, Ivy.” Tobias knits his hands into my hair, the palms of his hands cradling my cheeks.
“I don’t know…”
“Slow. Very, very slowly. Neither of us is ready for anything more than this.” Moving closer to me, he leans his forehead on mine. Moving my right hand, I rest it on his chest, feeling the fast beating of his heart beneath my palm.
“I can’t rush into this.”
“I won’t rush us.” Leaning forward, his mouth skims over my lips. My heart beats crazily in my chest, as I
move closer to his mouth. “Can I kiss you?” he asks.
I don’t reply. I don’t want to ruin this moment with words. Gently I seal my mouth over his, and in an even softer movement, he accepts my kiss.
This is good.
This is right.
So right.
Our kiss isn’t frenzy-driven or desperate, but there is a fever rising inside of me. I don’t want to stop, but I don’t want to rush anything. He’s the first boy I’ve found interesting enough to want more from him.
Pulling away from our kiss, I rest my forehead on his. His trembling breath tells me he was as into the kiss as I was. “Do we have to go to this party?” I ask, silently praying he says no.
“We can do whatever you want,” he replies and kisses me chastely on the lips. “I’d do anything for you, Ivy.”
“Can we stay here?”
“If that’s what you want to do.”
“It is.”
He smiles at me; his words are lost when he leans in to kiss me again.
This time, I don’t pull away. Something more than a kiss is happening.
Our bodies are yet to unite, but our hearts entwine.
This is so right.
Standing in the lake, I look down at my submerged feet. My jeans and t-shirt have disappeared, and I’m wearing a flowing white dress. The water around my ankles quickly rises.
Suddenly, the water is lapping around my thighs. “Tobias?” I call, but he’s sitting on the shore, watching me.
Panic fills every pore of my body. I try to move to swim back toward him, but my feet have sunk into the muddy bottom and I’m stuck.
“Tobias,” I yell again.
He stands and moves toward me, but instead of coming into the water to help me, he only waves.
“Help! I’m drowning. Help me.” I frantically wave to him. The water is rising rapidly. Soon, I’ll be totally submerged and unable to call for help.
He says nothing. Instead, he watches as the water rises to my chin. My body is tired of fighting the rapid current. It whirls all around me, dwarfing my struggles and consuming me with its power.
“Tobias!” I yell for the last time. The water is nipping at my mouth. Tilting my head back, I try to take a last breath. My lungs begin to fill with water and a scorching fire begins to burn inside.
It was easy for the water to take me under.
It’s peaceful.
So quiet.
“Ivy.” Someone grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me. My eyes fly open, and Dad’s sitting on the edge of my bed, rousing me from my sleep.
“What happened?” I ask while coughing and trying to bring up the water I’m sure I’ve swallowed.
“You had another nightmare. Are you okay?” He studies my face, looking into my eyes.
I blink the sleep away, then look around my room. “There was so much water,” I say, still not entirely sure I survived the dream. “I was drowning. I was in the same white dress I was in from the first dream, but this time Tobias was standing at the shore, watching me as I was drowning.” I rub my hand over my neck, double checking I’m actually awake.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. It wasn’t real.”
“This is the second dream I’ve had about drowning. Maybe it means something. The only thing the same was the dress I was wearing. White and flowy. I have no idea why that would stay the same, but the rest is different. Actually, I have no idea why I’d be dreaming of drowning to begin with.”
There’s a familiar glint in Dad’s eyes. It’s the same look he had when I had my first dream. Something about my dream is bothering him, but I’m not sure what. “You okay?” I ask as he stares at me, with a crinkled forehead.
“I’m just seeing how much like your mother you really are.”
I smile, but he doesn’t. This troubles me. Something’s not quite right. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask.
He shakes his head and looks down at the blanket, then back to me. Something’s changed in him, he appears less uptight or maybe he’s pretending to be. “I should be asking you that. Are you okay?” I nod and barely manage a smile. “Good night, sweetheart. I’ll see you in the morning.” He kisses my forehead, before leaving my room.
Laying awake, I watch the moonlight shining through the branches to create shadows on my wall. A star twinkles in the distance, capturing my attention. Standing, I head over to the window, dragging a chair with me. I sit and stare at the vast sky outside my window.
The night is filled with stars, though none are as illuminating as the one absorbing me. “I feel like if I talk, you’ll listen,” I say as I smile at the star.
No one is listening, Ivy. Only I am here for you. The beast breathes in my ear.
Azael is close. He’s trying to tempt me with the hollow promise of comfort. “You’re selfish, and want me for yourself,” I say to him as I watch the star twinkle with delight and happiness.
Drowning is your destiny.
The hairs on my nape stand to attention and something akin to an electric shock flashes through my nervous system. Serenity is impossible when a demon whispers promises to you. But I have to remember that his promises are false. He doesn’t go away after I’ve cut, he only disappears briefly until he needs to feed on my emotions again.
“Not tonight,” I say to him while I continue to look up at the star.
There’s something surrounding me tonight, a confidence I don’t usually have.
Come on, Ivy. Come and play with me.
Staring up at the star, I gather my courage and pull my shoulders back. “Not tonight, Azael, not tonight.”
And as quickly as he appeared, he disappears. Did I fight him off? Is he gone forever?
I breathe out deeply. Man, it feels wonderful not to have him whispering in my ear.
I hold onto hope that he’s gone. But in reality, he’s probably frustrated because I won’t listen to him and he’s giving up for tonight.
Smiling, I look back at the star. It shines brightly, almost like a beacon of faith. Tilting my head to the side, a small smirk pulls one side of my lips up. “Can you hear me?”
It sparkles brighter, if that’s even possible.
“Do you think I’m weak?”
All the stars in the sky glimmer as if they’re all answering in unison. They’re far too beautiful to tell me anything ugly.
I beam up at them. They’ve heard me, and told me I’m not weak.
Standing with a new-found sense of confidence, I take myself to bed.
Sleep comes easily, and remains peaceful.
“Hey, what happened to you?” Jared asks the moment I answer his call.
“What do you mean?” I’m getting ready to go out with my camera.
“You didn’t come to Chloe’s party last night. What happened?”
“Tobias and I went for dinner, and time got away from us.”
“Yeah, right. You two did the nasty, didn’t you?” he teases.
“No, we didn’t. He took me on a picnic, and we were talking. I didn’t feel like going to the party, so we stayed at the lake ’til it was late. Then he brought me home.”
“And that boy didn’t try it on with you? What’s wrong with him? Are you sure he’s not gay?”
“I can guarantee, he’s not gay,” my voice cracks, giving away that I know for sure he’s not gay.
“Ohhh, sounds like someone got lucky,” he taunts me with humor in his voice.
“I told you; I didn’t. It’s not like that for us. Anyway, you’ve got Zane. Why are you going on about this?”
“I wanna be the first to know when you two tango the international dance of love.”
“God, Jared. You sound so corny. Anyway, did we miss anything at Chloe’s party?”
“Well, Katie was no more than a few steps behind me all night and kept asking me if I’d heard from you. I think she was waiting to check out Tobias.”
A small smirk stretches my lips. “And here I thought she was over him.”
“Girl�
�” he draws out. “I’m not over him. That boy is damn fine.”
“Well, take a number, because he’s only interested in me,” I say as I snap my fingers at him. Not that Jared can see me.
“Oh snap. Look who’s woken up on the right side of the bed, girlfriend,” he shrieks into the phone.
“Just saying, you look as much you want. He’s not interested… in anyone but me,” I quickly add the last part.
“You two hanging out today?”
“Nah, I’m catching the bus into the city. I’m taking the camera with me.”
“Oh, nice. Where are you going?”
“I want to sit outside the library, and see what I can catch while I’m there.”
“Call me if you need a ride home. I’m heading into work, and Zane has a family thing on, so I’m free after work.”
“Have a good day. I’ll call ya later.”
“Get some good photos,” he says before we hang up.
Just as I put my phone down, it rings again, and this time Tobias’s number flashes up on the screen. Swiping my finger across the glass, I smile when I answer, “Hello.”
“Hey, beautiful.” His words cause a stir inside me, making me giddy. My stomach flips, then flops.
“Hi,” I reply as I sit on the edge of my bed.
“I wanted to see if you’ve changed your mind and want a ride into town.”
“I like the bus. It gives me time to think.”
“I can pretend I’m a bus driver,” he eagerly adds. “I’ll even charge you a fare. One kiss for every stop we pass.”
He makes me smile. “Although a kiss sounds awesome, I really want some time to myself.”
“How about I stalk you? Drive behind the bus, then pretend to run into you when you get to the city?”
I laugh aloud. “How about you pick me up for school Monday?”
“Is that the best I’ll get? School Monday?”
“It is.”
“Okay, I’ll take it. If you happen to want a lunch date, or if you need a ride home, call me—okay?”
“Jared offered me a ride home too. But, I’ll see you Monday morning.”
He grumbles into the phone. “Okay, Monday. It’s a date.”
Drowning Page 10
