by K. A. Trent
I remained silent. She hadn’t asked a question. Was I supposed to answer?
“Come on,” she insisted. “You have to know what you want, and we have to have a name for tonight. Callie is already messaging me about it. Tell me a name. If you don’t give me something I’m going to pick for you, we can call you Regina or Barbara.”
I stared out the window, silent. Through my monochrome shades I watched the world go by: a woman walking down the street, another woman holding a baby, a woman playing an instrument. Dozens, maybe hundreds of people living their lives, free to walk, free to talk, free to be who they wanted. I imagined myself as one of them, simple and unnoticed, living in an apartment, working at a refueling station, working at a store. Laughing with her friends. The lives they took for granted. Maybe even the lives they hated. All better than what was happening to me now.
“Astra,” I said quietly.
“What was that?” I could feel her leaning in as my gaze remained fixed on the scene beyond the window.
“It means ‘starlight,’” I said, still staring at the scenes beyond the tinted glass.
“I know what it means,” she said. “But why Astra? Why Starlight?”
I rested my forehead against the window, the outside world passing by in a blur. I responded without even thinking.
“Because if I could leave this place and go to the stars I would. Leave all this behind. Forget everyone. Forget that I’m hated, forget that I have to be a ‘good girl’ and make people like me. Take off into the black, float there until I die, because at least then I could die in peace.”
“Um…okay. Astra then,” Kerra pressed her wristband, I could hear her poking at the holo keys. “We named an entire colony ‘Astra’. It was burned to the ground. Anyway, I let Callie know. Be on your best behavior tonight, alright? No talk about… Dying.”
“Yeah,” I muttered as the car came to halt in front of a massive white building.
“Yeah?” She repeated.
“Yes Ma’am,” I corrected myself.
“Don’t get out yet,” Kerra opened the door on her side and rushed around to my side, taking a glance around the immediate area before pulling my door open and offering me her hand. I took it nervously and stepped out of the car. It still hurt a little, the heels, and it was hard to pull my skirt away from the frame of the car. Kerra brushed the skirt and freed it, allowing me to walk forward across a sidewalk, and up a huge set of stairs. Kerra explained to me as we walked. “This is the Elv. It’s used for huge events, like election parties, banquets, diplomatic balls, and apparently, introducing potential transgender women we dug up from the Factorum.”
“What do I say to them? I mean the people... In there?” I asked, gulping a bit as I’d spoken out of turn.
“Tell them you want to be a normal girl. Tell them you want to go to school, tell them you want to grow up and contribute to society. They don’t want you to be dead weight-- Oh, before I forget.”
Kerra stopped me at the top of the steps, just before a large set of glass doors. She reached into her bag and removed a small circular, paper-thin object. A sticker of some kind? She peeled back a layer of thin paper and placed the rest of the object against my neck. It felt cold for a moment. I winced, bracing myself, and then... Nothing.
“Try to talk,” she instructed. “Call me a bitch.”
“What? I can’t do th-“ I stopped short of finishing my sentence, my voice squeaked for a moment, but then it changed entirely. “What just happened?”
“It gives you a more feminine voice,” she explained. “We should have done it yesterday but we forgot-- just try to talk normally and don’t just stand there listening to yourself; it’ll look weird. I mean-- you are weird, but try not to make yourself look any weirder.”
Before I could respond, she grabbed me by the arm and turned me toward the door. I followed her lead through the entryway and into a small room that just led to another doorway. I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw no one, not a single other person in the room. Maybe this would be easy. My hopes were crushed as she opened the next door and we emerged into a massive ballroom completely packed with women.
We stood atop another set of stairs that led down to a gleaming marble floor upon which everyone congregated wearing formal attire: some in formal gowns like mine, some wearing less extravagant dresses or skirts with blouses, or pantsuits if they felt so inclined. I felt like an imposter among them. I was a male, from the Factorum. What was I doing here, in this wonderful place? I looked like them, I sounded like them, but could I ever really be them?
All conversation in the room stopped when I entered; it was dead silent. I wanted to run, to scream, to disappear. What was I supposed to say? I could run back to the car, I could-- I could do anything but this. I tried to think of something, anything to say, but it was Callie who spoke.
"Ladies, my most distinguished guests-- I'd like to introduce you to our guest, Astra. I know all of you have a lot of questions; we'll try to get to them later in the evening. For now, we're going to send Astra around to mingle and meet some of you, and most importantly, show you that she belongs in our society as a woman."
Her words were met with applause, but once the applause had cleared the air, murmurs and whispers replaced it as I descended the stairs with Callie. My heels were muffled against the carpet lining the middle of the marble staircase. Callie squeezed my hand.
"You're going to do great," she whispered to me. I drank up her smile, let it ease my tension. She believed in me even if I didn't believe in myself. Maybe that was enough, I thought to myself. Maybe you can move forward if just one person believes in you-- even if you don't believe in yourself.
We reached the bottom of the stairs as the activity in the room resumed, and were immediately intercepted by a small group of women, one of whom greeted me.
"Hello Astra," She said evenly. "My name is Eden. I am the economic advisor to the Prime Minister. It's wonderful to finally meet you."
"Thank you Ma'am, I appreciate the opportunity." I nervously clutched a handful of skirt on both sides, lifted, and performed a curtsy the way Kerra had shown me, gaining a look of approval from the entire group.
"It's so polite!" One of the other women exclaimed.
"Almost like the real thing," another squealed, clutching her hands together.
"Indeed," the first nodded to the others, then turned toward me. "Astra, if you manage to gain the approval of the high court, what are your plans? What do you aspire to?"
"I-- I wish to fulfil whatever role Ereen deems necessary," I replied. I hoped that was the right answer.
"But surely you have goals of your own," Eden insisted. The women behind her nodded. "Serving Ereen is admirable, but making sure you work in a field you excel at is crucial to your success."
"Yes Ma'am," I agreed.
"I think," Callie interjected. "That Astra should concentrate on completing her primary education before she jumps into any major career choice-- which reminds me, we need to go talk to Joelynn."
"Well, I certainly won't keep you from her," Eden smiles. "Astra, it's been an absolute pleasure; you look as though you're doing fantastic. Keep it up."
"Yes Ma'am," I curtsied again just as Callie took my arm and led me away.
"Okay over there," she said, pointing to a woman in red and then taking my hand in her own. "That's Joelynn; she's the headmistress of Aeristas. It's a boarding school in the south, and if you pass the high court, you'll be sent there to finish your education. You should go over and talk to her."
"Aren't you coming with me?" My hand tightened around hers. She smiled warmly.
"I have some business to take care of," she explained. "Besides, you need to be an independent young lady; it looks better. Not too independent though."
"Yeah, don't shoot your mouth off," Kerra said from behind us. I'd forgotten she was there. I winced, probably a little too visibly and walked as gracefully as possible in the direction Callie had pointed me. I still want
ed to run away, probably screaming. I wasn't ready for any of this, but I had to be. If not this, then what? Back to the Factorum? Back to being that... Thing? No, that wasn't acceptable. I cringed at the idea. A few days ago I wanted to go back. I had longed for the darkness, the smell of rust, the heat of metal. Now all I wanted was to be here, among these women. I belonged here, even if I would never belong here.
"You must be Astra," the woman in red said to me. She was older, perhaps older than Doctor Fitz. Her silver hair was pulled back into a bun. Of course she was right, who else would I be?
"Yes Ma'am," I said, offering a curtsy. She nodded approvingly.
"Trained properly I see." She looked me over as I stood with my hands clasped in front of me. "You'll need that, if you’re able to attend Aeristas. Don't expect to be treated differently because of your... circumstances. You'll be like any other student."
"Yes Ma'am," I nodded. "Thank you Ma'am."
The night went by at a crawl, I must have spoken to twenty, thirty, perhaps even forty different women. They all had questions about my career ambitions, the school I was planning to attend, and dozens of other things I couldn't remember. I breathed a sigh of relief as Callie crossed the floor to take me by the shoulder and lead me away from the crowd, ushering me off into a side room where she ran her hands over the front of my dress, straightening wrinkles and making sure the part on my chest was straight. I stood passively still and allowed her to manipulate my clothing until finally she stopped and tilted my head up with two fingers, allowing my eyes to meet hers.
“Are you okay?” She asked me. I nodded slowly. Her brows knitted into a frown. “You look exhausted.”
“Yes Ma’am,” I nodded. She giggled and laid her hands on my shoulders.
“Well it’s almost over, we just have this one more thing to do, okay? We’re going to take you on stage. We’re going to do a kind of panel, okay? That means people are going to ask questions. I’ll answer some, you’ll answer some, it’ll be loads of fun, alright?”
“I-- I guess.” I wasn’t sure what she meant or what was actually happening; it was all so confusing. Wasn’t panel something that opened a door?
“Okay,” she quickly discerned my confusion. “There are a lot of people who want answers and we’re going to try to give them some. This has to be done right-- their questions have to be answered to their liking-- but I think you can do it. No one knows you better than you, and the truth is always the best answer.”
“Yes Ma’am,” I agreed. I didn’t really agree; I wasn’t sure how well I knew myself after the last couple of days, but she was so hopeful and believed in me so much that I didn’t have the heart to dash her hopes in any way.
“So adorable,” she laughed, scooping me up in a hug and undoing any progress she’d made in straightening my gown. She took my hand in hers, gently, and led me to the door opposite the one we’d entered through. I felt the helm of my dress brush briefly against the doorframe, and using my free hand, I gathered some of the material and lifted it from the floor.
“Over here, through this door,” Callie pointed and used her other hand to direct me down the hall. It occurred to me just then that I never really walked anywhere on my own anymore; someone always had a hold o f my arm, or they were pressing their hand into my back. I think maybe I should have been upset at the lack of freedom, but I kind of liked it; it felt safe.
She reached around me with her free hand and pressed her hand against a flat black panel; it wasn’t like the green triangles in the Proctorum building where Kerra had been keeping me; this one was a flat panel that briefly glowed white, and the bracelet on Callie’s wrist glowed white, seemingly in response. The door slid aside and seconds later, Callie was leading me across a stage to join Doctor Fitz in the center. On the stage, the lights shone brightly; I had trouble looking out to see the audience but I recognized several of the women I’d spoken to over the course of the night. I had to wonder: What did they want from me? Why was I still here? Doctor Fitz nodded to me as Callie directed me to a chair next to her. We all three took seats and Callie addressed the audience.
“Good evening, ladies,” she said cheerily. “I want to thank you all for coming. I know that the concept we’re introducing is foreign but it is not unprecedented. Over the past few months I have spent a great deal of time performing research and re-educating the public of Ereen as to what transgenderism is and how it has affected us in the past. The research I found, much of which was provided to me by Doctor Fitz here, showed that during our revolution more than two hundred years ago, transgender women took up arms against the male oppressors at our side-- and helped us to win our freedom. For that, they were rewarded with a place in our society rather than being sent off-world, or sent to live out their days in the Factorum. A few months ago, we found our first transgender girl in two hundred years within the Factorum-- and she, along with Doctor Fitz and I, are here to answer any questions that you might have, so shall we get started?”
“Yes, I have a question.” A woman in the audience stood. I squinted, trying to see her through the blinding light. “What exactly is transgenderism? We’ve read and heard it in your own words, but now that we have an expert on stage, as well as the subject, I think we might be in a position to better understand.”
“I think that’s an excellent question,” Doctor Fitz responded. Callie looked over to her, I just stared off into space. “The biggest point I want to bring to your attention is that gender and sexuality are two very different things. Sex is the formation of your chromosomes, for example, XX and XY, though those foundations are shaky at best. They typically determine if you have male genitalia or female genitalia, and all of the implications that come with them.
“Gender, on the other hand, is more of a social construct. It’s the conditioning that we place on people to behave in a more feminine way for society.”
“Wait!” A younger woman interrupted from the audience. “Doesn’t that mean that anyone can be a woman in society? I mean if you can train people-”
“It’s a question of inherent nature,” Doctor Fitz quickly explained. “Yes, anyone can be a good actor, but when the brains of transgender women have been studied in the past, it has been found that they more closely resemble the gender that they identify with. The male and female brain is structured differently, so what you have is a biological ‘mistake,’ a quirk of nature, if you will. You have someone born with the body of a male but the brain and hormone structure of a female. We made attempts to remove this from our own genetic code, and by manipulating our genes so that we could mostly only bear women, we certainly took a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, within the confines of the Factorum, mistakes happen. The men in the Factorum are generally bore by our women and sent there immediately afterward, making it more possible that they have ‘beaten’ the odds. Life found a way.”
“So how often does this happen?” Another woman demanded. “If Astra is a transgender woman, how many more are there?”
“Not many,” Callie explained; I could tell she was trying her best not to be defensive. “Even before we started our eugenics program, the incidence was low. Transgender girls were and always have been rare. Astra here is just the exception to the rule.”
“Do you have a system in place for checking if other ‘men’ in the Factorum may be transgender?”
“We do not,” Callie answered the question quickly. “The fact is, we don’t want this to happen often. We pulled Astra out because she’s young enough that she wouldn’t have been heavily socialized by the males in the Factorum. In other words, it’s still easy enough to condition her to become a true woman of Ereen.”
“Excuse me, hi, my question is for Astra?” I raised my head slightly, unable to discern from where in the crowd the voice was coming from. Callie nudged me, nodded toward the woman, and I quickly gave my full attention to her. “The Factorum is a bit uncivilized, and the customs of Ereen could be... overwhelming for someone like you. Have you ev
er considered going offworld instead? There are probably better places for someone like you?”
I gulped and looked to Callie, remembering what she had told me that first day we’d met outside of the Factorum, about the truth of its existence and the story that people believed.
“I think... I think, um-- I feel like my place is here,” I said. Callie nodded with approval. “Ereen has given me... a lot, and I think I need to give back.”
“What’s the hardest part about being a woman, Astra?” A new voice asked from the back.
“The uh...the shoes?” I wasn’t joking, but the room erupted with laughter. I saw Callie begin to smirk beside me before managing to regain her composure.
“I think we’ve all had trouble with shoes,” Callie laughed and squeezed my hand. I could feel Kerra’s eyes behind me, penetrating my soul through the back of my neck.
“Truthfully, if I may interject here,” Doctor Fitz said. “I think Astra is young enough that she will take to most Ereen customs and behaviors without a single problem. She’ll have the same difficulties and challenges that any other young girl on Ereen would have, but that doesn’t mean she can’t grow up to be an amazing young woman.”
“I have a question.” A younger girl in the back stood up. She was dressed differently from the others, pants and a form fitting t-shirt, black eyes that glared through the crowd and rested entirely on me. “Astra, there are rumors about the Factorum, and a lot of them aren’t great. There’s a theory that the Factorum we’ve been shown isn’t the real Factorum, that the real one is a slave factory on the South Pole. They say the conditions are horrible-- what do you say to that? What insights can you give us about the Factorum?”
Uncomfortable silence fell over the room, I could instantly tell that this question was a taboo, but the way the women in the room stared at me, I could also tell that it was a question that had to be answered. I looked to Callie who smiled warmly and placed her hand on mine, then to Doctor Fitz who shifted uncomfortably.
