by K. A. Trent
I looked at her questioningly. I wanted to ask-- I really did-- but what could I say? Was I supposed to ask where she was going? That wasn’t really my business; males didn’t ask questions of women and I had already broken that rule enough in the days that I had been above ground. On one hand I was kind of happy that she would be gone and life might be less strict, on the other, I didn’t know how safe I would feel without her. In that moment I realized how insecure I felt here, and how important Kerra actually was to me. Then again, I seriously doubted that she felt the same way. At most, I was a burden to her-- a job she had to do.
“Go in,” she told me, pressing her hand to the green triangle. I watched her wristband flash green for a moment before the door slid aside, revealing the waiting room that we had been in what felt like both just a few days earlier and a lifetime ago. I gave Kerra one last look before I stepped through the threshold, alone. I had to admit it was strange, very strange doing it all on my own. Kerra wasn’t by my side, Callie wasn’t guiding me along-- it was all strange, it all felt… wrong. I was a body unguided, a confused soul just hoping I was walking in the right direction. As the door closed behind me, I was cut off from Kerra and the support system I didn’t even know I had. Alone. Afraid. Cold.
“Hello Astra,” the receptionist waved me over to the desk. “Doctor Fitz wants to see you, just take a seat and she’ll be right with you.”
“On one of the chairs?” I asked, my voice must have been a little shaky, betraying my uncertainty. The few other women who were occupying the waiting room looked up at me.
“Yes, Astra,” the receptionist said. “On one of the chairs.”
I crossed the room nervously and stared at one of the chairs. It was empty, away from the other women, but I pursed my lips a little, afraid to sit. I suddenly wished that Kerra were with me; she would tell me if it was all right or not.
“Astra, sit,” the receptionist said firmly. I closed my eyes briefly and inhaled sharply through my nose as I turned and sat. I sat apprehensively at the edge, my hands wrapped around the armrests, ready to leap from the chair at any moment. I don’t know how long I sat there, my knuckles turning white, my eyes wide and searching the room. Looking down at the short table in front of me, I could see a few pieces of clear plastic rectangles about the size of a tablet but without the thickness; each one flashing different images, different words. I didn’t dare touch them; they weren’t mine to touch, but from my position I could make out a few of the sentences:
-Forjella Introduces New ‘Natural Look’ Makeup Line
-Offworld Travel Restricted - What Does it Mean For You?
-Tensions Rise as Black Swan Demands End to Transgender Inclusion
-Terra Colony Offers First Transgender Girl Full Citizenship
-Four Ways to Spice Up Your Summer Wardrobe!
I closed my eyes and leaned back in the chair; I still hadn’t gotten used to how comfortable furniture was up here. I hadn’t even gotten used to how much furniture was up here. In the Factorum, chairs were few and far between; we sat on the floor, leaning against walls if we could find a space. For me it was a little different; I could climb, I had access to places that most of the other males didn’t even know existed. I could take naps on the machinery high above, I could hide from the overseers, I could be invisible. Here, I wasn’t invisible. Everyone could see me, everyone was watching me. I shuddered.
Finally, it happened.
“Astra?” Doctor Fitz called out. I practically flew out of the chair, garnering a few looks from the others in the room. This was embarrassing. Doctor Fitz was standing in the doorway, just beyond the reception desk. “Come on back, please.”
I collected myself and walked quickly through the waiting room, joining Doctor Fitz on the other side of the door. She led me quickly to one of the white rooms, with the bed, and gestured for me to climb up. I carefully placed myself onto the bed, just as apprehensively as I had the chair, but her warm smile served to put me at ease. “Astra, how are you doing?”
“I’m doing well, Ma’am,” I nodded. “Thank you for asking.”
“So formal,” she laughed. “I can see Kerra’s been working her... magic on you.”
“Yes Ma’am,” I replied.
“Well Astra,” she cleared her throat and began to scroll through her tablet. “Your test results came back, and they’re pretty interesting.” She turned her tablet around to show me a diagram. “This is your DNA, and I don’t know how much of this you will understand, but when we test for transgenderism, there are five things we check for-- or at least five things they used to check for, when this was done with more regularity. Remember, this hasn’t been done in centuries. The first is the actual transgender gene-- it’s a real thing-- and you don’t have it. You tested negative for that.”
My face fell; what did that mean? Were they about to send me back?
“Please don’t send me back there,” I said suddenly. There was pain, a throbbing pain in my forehead, I could feel the tears coming. They couldn’t do this to me. “No, please, don’t do this, don’t tell them.”
“Calm down,” she said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “I said there were five things, that was just one of them. The transgender gene is just a blanket kind of thing. There are four DNA markers we look for, and you tested negative… for three of them. The fourth, yes, it’s very evident in your DNA. See, here’s the thing-- it’s not much, but Callie raised enough of a fuss that your supporters will rally behind it. In my opinion-- which does bear weight-- it’s more than enough. You have the corresponding DNA, you look like a young girl, you carry yourself like a woman. At this point, with your single DNA marker, and the fact that you’re more than willing to incorporate yourself into society, you’ll be perfectly safe. Sending you back to the Factorum would cause an uproar.”
“I-I can stay?” I squeaked. My voice was barely a whisper, my mind was numb; I was having trouble processing what was happening. Was she saying that I would get to stay here, that I wouldn’t have to go back to the Factorum? All of my time above ground had been spent with the dreadful expectation that eventually I would have to go back – back underground, back to that place of no light, but now she was telling me I was here to stay? What was happening?
“Yes Astra,” she smiled, true happiness in her eyes. “You can stay, and no one is going to hurt you or send you back, but I would caution you to be on your best behavior. Unfortunately you’re walking a fine line. Don’t show aggression, don’t be anything less than agreeable. Unfortunately as a transgender woman, you’re going to have far fewer leniencies available to you than the rest of us, especially when it comes to your personality. You have to be likeable-- which you are, but not everyone can like any of us, so it’s going to be hard, but that’s the world we live in. Now that that’s out of the way...”
I stared at her as she reached up toward my neck and I heard the click as the collar was released. She moved it away from me and set it on the bench behind her. I should have been happy but instead I stared at it with a sense of loss. It was like I’d been unleashed, free now to do as I would, but instead I felt as if I were going to float away, like I’d been set loose on the sea without an anchor. Who was I without the collar? Astra? Who was Astra?
“So-- so what do I do?” I asked, blinking back tears.
“Go to school. Once you finish, go into public service. Serve society any way you can. Show that you want to help Ereen more than anything. If you have ambitions of your own, push them aside. Be the person they want you to be. Obviously you have the freedom to do whatever you want, but if you want to stay above ground that’s the way to go. Now, finally, Kerra wanted you to have this.”
I looked down at her hand, it was a metal band, a bracelet like the one Kerra wore. The one that allowed her to talk to other people without having to be close to them. Doctor Fitz fastened it around my wrist, I nearly jumped out of my skin as it emitted an electronic whine. She smiled and assured me that it was just reading my g
enetic signature.
“You’ll figure out how to use it eventually,” she assured me. “For right now, if Kerra calls, make sure you answer. She’s away on business right now, but you should be seeing her soon. That reminds me-- there’s a surprise planned for you today. I want you to leave the office and head down the elevator; take it to floor two.”
“By- by myself?” I stammered. “I don’t know if I’m-”
“Don’t be silly,” she laughed. “You can go by yourself. Once you get down to the lobby someone will meet you there. Now go along, I have work to do!”
She rushed me out of the office and I found myself standing outside in the hallway. The elevator was just a few feet away, but I hesitated. Out here by myself, it seemed so much bigger than when Kera had dragged me through countless times, when I could focus on her instead of my surroundings. I squeezed my eyes shut and made my way toward the elevator. I pressed the green triangle, and noticed that my wristband glowed briefly, just like Kerra’s. The doors opened and I stepped in, pressing the small ‘2’ button. The elevator hummed to life and began its descent. I watched the numbers roll by on the display and dreaded the moment that they finished counting down. As I waited, I turned and noticed a screened panel set into the wall of the elevator. I stared at it for a moment watching the words scroll by:
Prime Minister announces mandatory 24 hour lockdown for Region 18
Genetic results positive for first transgender girl in 200 years – protests and celebrations erupt
Four women arrested in connection with third street bombing
Price of vegetables rise as fourth summer drought in a row takes hold
I read the scrolling words until the elevator tone sounded and the doors slid aside, revealing a huge room filled with women, more women than I had ever seen-- far more than had been at the train station. I stepped out numbly and looked around, trying to take in the scene. It was a massive space, enclosed with glass. I stepped out onto a dark green marble floor, taking the room in further-- a section with tables and chairs, desks like the receptionist’s in Doctor Fitz’s office. I could barely comprehend what I was seeing. I couldn’t understand where I was. I stepped forward, my eyes wide, the noise of the room beginning to overwhelm me. I could hear the sound of a screen overhead: two people arguing over something. I turned my head toward the screen, and the fragments of conversation became clear with my focus.
“Alice,” the woman on the screen said. “The genetic difference between apes and humans is a mere seven percent, but look how different they are. I’m not the only one who believes that… thing doesn’t belong among us. No matter what, this will be overturned and we’ll all be better for it.”
I continued walking, wondering exactly where I was supposed to be going, and then I remembered the train station. Was the same thing going to happen here? Had anyone noticed me yet? I was surprised they hadn’t, I was still wearing my exercise outfit, my hair was a matted mess. I did the only thing I could think of: I began to walk toward the nearest door. I could see it, straight ahead-- a simple glass barrier between me and the outside world. I walked faster and faster, trying to outrun the noise of the crowd, trying to break free before anyone noticed me. I had to get out, I had to get out. I had to get-
“Astra!”
A familiar voice. I stopped dead in my tracks, my eyes darting around, and finally they came to rest on Donna, the woman from the salon. She was standing there in front of me, dressed in a pair of casual black leggings, a tight black jacket, and a red undershirt. I could never forget her aesthetic; she was so casual yet so gorgeous. She walked toward me and smiled widely. “Hey, I’m sorry I’m late!”
“I…” I started to say. I didn’t know what to say. Why was she here? Why was I here?
“Oh, did they not tell you I was coming?” She laughed. “Once your test came back positive they called me to come pick you up. Kerra is out of town for a few days, so they want you to stay with me, out at my house. You know, get you out of this icky place. What do you say?”
I nodded.
“Yes Ma’am,” I gave the only answer I could think of. She laughed and stepped toward me.
“Astra, is it okay if I give you a hug?” She asked me. I nodded again, and she gathered me up in her arms and squeezed tightly. “Come on, let’s go to my house, I want you to meet my daughters. You’re going to have so much fun.”
I hoped so.
Chapter 12
“Astra, sweetie, are you okay?” Donna must have been worried about me; my head was resting against the window of the car, staring blankly at the passing buildings. At the sound of her voice, I immediately straightened my back and placed my hands in my lap. I smiled at her as best I could.
“I’m fine, Ma’am,” I replied. “Just tired.”
“You don’t have to do that with me; I’m not expecting that sort of formality.” She turned to me. “Look at me.”
Slowly, reluctantly, I turned and met her eyes. She stared at me intently. I bowed my head and tried to look at anything else.
“Astra,” she reached across and laid her hand on my leg, and I shivered, unused to the intimacy. “Things are going to get better for you now, I promise.”
The car turned, taking a street to the right and moving on past more buildings that I didn’t recognize. It all looked the same out here-- all of it. In the Factorum there was some diversity; you could tell the differences between sections. Here, it wasn’t built with that same mindfulness, it all looked too much the same to me. The car slowed and came to a stop near a metal tower, glazed white, a blue entry door lowering into the ground below us so we could drive inside. Our vehicle moved forward and came to rest inside, and I looked at Donna questioningly.
“Don’t get out yet,” she warned me. “It has to move up.”
“Move up?” I repeated, curious, but my question was answered as I felt a brief lurch beneath us, and the floor began to raise. It was an elevator-- an elevator for cars. I wasn’t exactly surprised as I’d seen it before in the Factorum, but my shock more came from the fact that the elevator actually worked.
“We’re on the fifteenth floor,” she explained. “It’s not exactly luxury, but I have a guest room you can stay in for tonight. Tomorrow we have to take you over to Aerista; I got your outfit from Kerra before she left.”
“Where… Where is Kerra?” I didn’t know why, but I suddenly missed her.
“She’s off taking care of business, honey-- She is a naval officer you know.”
“Yes Ma’am,” I nodded.
The platform halted, and in front of us, another door slid upward, revealing a space large enough to fit two cars. She drove through and I listened to the sound of the door closing behind us. It was soft-- a thud rather than a slam-- and just behind it, I could hear the platform returning to the first level. As Donna stood from the car, a tone sounded and my own door slid open, retreating backward along the body of the vehicle, allowing me to step out.
“Over here, honey,” Donna gestured to the door she was standing in front of. “Just step through, okay?”
Nervously, and with uncertainty, I passed through the doorway, out of the car room and into something completely different. It was a space that reminded me of the room Callie had taken me to, but the room was a little smaller. One of the wide padded chairs sat in the middle, and the floor was covered in fabric-- carpet, I think they called it. I could see a screen, like the one in the doctor’s office but a little smaller. The space was simple, but there was something about it, something more friendly. It felt like… like a place that you could live.
“You have one of those wide chairs,” I said with wonder.
“Honey, that’s a couch,” Donna laughed. “Okay, take your shoes off, then go shower. My kiddos will be home soon and we’re going to cook dinner toni-“
“Can I help?” I interrupted her, my eyes suddenly wide. I had no idea why I’d asked that.
“I think that would be a great idea-- take your shoes off, t
hough, please.” She pointed to a tray beside the door that held one other pair of pink shoes; she removed the ones she was wearing and placed them beside the pink pair. I followed suit and followed her into a room I didn’t recognize; it was mostly made of tile, it had a huge metal box, a sort of desk in the center, knives, and a large wash basin. “Sorry, my kitchen’s a mess.”
“Kitch…en?” I asked her, a little confused.
“Yes sweetie, it’s where we make food.”
“Oh…”
“Okay hon, the shower is back that way, let me show you. I have some clothes for you, just head on in and I’ll drop them off on the sink, okay?”
“Sink?”
“The…place where you wash your hands,” she smiled. “Sorry. I forget the kind of life you’ve lived.”
“Oh, the basin,” I nodded. “Okay.”
She gestured to a door, I stepped inside and it was immediately illuminated. Motion sensor lights; I’d at least learned about those while I’d been here. The bathroom, as she had called it, was much more ornate than the one I’d used at the government facility. It wasn’t bare; the walls were a cream color, soft lights burned from above. Instead of an industrial steel wash basin, it was crafted from ceramic with swirling patterns embedded into the material. I looked around nervously and then made my way to the shower, peeling my clothes off as I went.
The shower operated just like the one in my room, back with Kerra. I stepped in, adjusted the hot water, and let it rush over me. Using a dispenser on the wall, I gave myself some shampoo and scrubbed it into my hair and quickly noticed that my arms were beginning to ache; I’d never be able to get used to washing such long hair.
As the water rushed over me, I felt something was wrong-- very wrong. It started in my chest and worked its way up to my head. My eyes fixated on a spot on the shower wall, the water streaming down the blue surface. I watched each individual drip as one split off, another was formed; my eyes began to sting, the sounds emanating from the back of my skull. What was happening? My hand rested against the wall, and it began to shake. I could hear it. I could hear the sounds of the Factorum. I could hear the voices, the screams, the shouts. The scraping and clunking of machinery. I could feel the immense heat against my body, the cracking and burning of the correction rod. I was back there, I could feel it, I could see it.
