by Kat Mizera
I was seeing Dr. Diaz again next week and we’d discuss my blood work and such, since I couldn’t remember when I’d last had a period or any time we might have had a condom malfunction. So though she wasn’t sure how pregnant I was, she’d estimated six weeks. I’d get details next week and go from there. I needed to know everything before I dropped a bombshell like this on him.
Gracie wouldn’t go to bed until Shelley read her two stories, but Shelley seemed happy to do it. She came out of Gracie’s room with a big grin.
“It’s been a long time since I read a bedtime story to anyone,” she said, “and I didn’t think I’d be doing it so soon. But this might be just the nudge I need to move to Vegas.”
“It would be great to have you close,” Tore said to her. “I’ve missed you, Mom.” He reached out a hand and she took it.
“And I’ve missed you.” She paused. “Have you spoken to your father?”
“I saw him for a couple of days back in June, when I was in Sweden, but I won’t hear from him until he’s ready to come for the dads’ trip.”
“Why isn’t there a moms’ trip?” she demanded.
“There will be this year,” he told her, grinning. “And now I’m totally looking forward to it!”
“Awesome.”
They chatted about this and that and I kind of zoned out. I’d noticed I was a little more tired than usual, but pregnancy hadn’t even crossed my mind. I’d been sick as a dog with Gracie the first trimester, so it worried me a little that I didn’t feel anything at all this time. Dr. Diaz said we’d talk more about it once she had my blood work back, but reminded me that every pregnancy was different.
“Honey, you okay?” Tore asked, sliding an arm around me.
Shit. I’d dozed off.
“Sorry.” I managed a small smile. “I didn’t sleep well last night, and I guess I’m exhausted.”
“I’m going to get out of your hair,” Shelley said, getting to her feet. “I’ll be in town a few more days and then I’ll come back for Christmas. I probably won’t be able to officially move until January, but I’m really excited to be living close to you. Both of you.”
“It’s going to be great,” Tore said.
“I’m looking forward to getting to know you better,” I told her.
We said our goodbyes, and I realized I really did need to get some sleep. I felt okay during the day but by eight o’clock I was ready for bed, which wasn’t like me at all, and it was after ten now.
“You sure you’re okay, babe?” Tore asked, following me into the bathroom.
“Yeah, I’m good. I’ll catch up on some sleep this weekend. I’ve been busy and I guess my body is warning me to slow down.” I really hated lying but I wasn’t ready to get into the conversation we needed to have.
Part of me was embarrassed. I didn’t know how this had happened because we’d discussed birth control and Tore was always good about using condoms. That was part of the reason why we’d discussed me getting an IUD. Whatever had happened had truly been an accident, but there was a part of me that didn’t understand how this had happened to me twice. I wasn’t careless. We were in a strong, committed relationship and had made it clear that neither of us wanted more children right now. So why had fate decided to fuck with me like this?
I desperately wanted to trust him, to trust in his promises and sweet words, but at the end of the day, he still hadn’t told me he loved me. I could have said it first, and maybe I should have, but I was just old-fashioned enough to want it to come from him first. He’d admitted he loved Gracie, so I’d been content with that, letting myself believe those feelings extended to me. But now there was a baby involved. Another innocent, unplanned child I would be bringing into the world.
I had choices, of course, but abortion made me sad and adoption was even more unthinkable. To carry the baby for nine months and then give it away was just too much for me. Which meant I was having another baby, and the only question now was whether or not we were going to be together. Had I been ill or on the verge of being homeless or something, I would have had to rethink my options, but I could always go back to Ian and Everly.
Tore moved up behind me in bed, but I pretended to be asleep. As much as I loved being intimate with him, I couldn’t do it tonight. I truly was exhausted, and my heart hurt too. The fact that I was afraid to tell him we’d had an accident spoke volumes about my trust issues, and that was something I had to deal with before I could talk to him about this.
I saw Dr. Diaz the week before Christmas, and I was nine weeks along now, due on the twenty-third of July. She prescribed prenatal vitamins and let me listen to the heartbeat, but I was too numb to really enjoy it.
“So…Tore couldn’t come with you today?” Dr. Diaz asked me as I got ready to go.
I shook my head. “I haven’t told him yet. I guess I was kind of hoping you’d made a mistake and it wasn’t true.” I met her gaze wearily.
“You think he’s going to be upset?” she asked carefully.
“Not upset as in he’ll hurt me,” I said quickly, “but he’s not going to be happy because we’d discussed it and neither of us wanted another baby right now.”
“And that’s why you came in looking for an IUD.”
“Yeah.” I blew out a breath, sinking into a chair. “I already did this on my own once before and I’m scared. The last time I told the man I loved I was pregnant, he couldn’t run away fast enough, and I have to admit I’m terrified.”
Dr. Diaz sat across from me. “I don’t know Tore, but in my experience, the people in this hockey organization are pretty great. I’ve delivered almost every Sidewinder baby that’s been born since the inception of the team, and every single dad was there. In fact, the one time one of them couldn’t be there because he was out of town and there was a blizzard, one of the other guys came in his stead. My gut tells me you have to trust in him, in the relationship you’ve built, and most of all, in yourself. With or without him, you’ve got this.”
I swiped at an errant tear, trying to nod. “I know. Thank you.”
“I want to see you in four weeks, okay? And if you have any questions, any issues at all, just call me. I can always squeeze you in, unless I’m delivering a baby.”
“Thank you so much.” I took a deep breath and got to my feet. “I appreciate you listening to me.”
32
Tore
Christmas was barreling down on me, and I wasn’t ready. I still hadn’t found a gift for Margot and I was waffling between buying her things that would make her happy and staying within the budget she’d given me. How the fuck was I supposed to buy her gifts with two hundred and fifty dollars? Those were our limits, and it seemed ridiculous in light of how much money I made, but I’d promised her I wouldn’t overspend again, that I was okay sacrificing so that Gracie could have the dollhouse.
“What’re you doing so diligently over there?” Ian asked me, peering over my shoulder.
I was on my laptop, trying to shop online during a flight home from Colorado.
“Trying to find Margot a Christmas present,” I muttered.
“It’s in a week,” he pointed out, as if I didn’t know that.
“I know, but we agreed we’d splurge on Gracie and keep our gifts to each other small. And I don’t know how to shop that way. I’m used to just seeing something I want, whether it’s for myself or someone else, and buying it. This budget crap is for the birds.”
Ian chuckled. “Aye, it is, but honestly, I don’t understand why you’re shopping for random shit instead of the one thing she really wants.”
“You know what she wants?” I demanded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“What is this, your first girlfriend?” Zaan quipped, looking across the aisle at me.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, staring from him to Ian and back again.
“Dude.” Royce shook his head, looking back at me. He was sitting on the aisle one row ahead of us.
“Help him out
, boys,” Ian said with a grin, waving a hand.
“A ring, asshole,” someone called out from behind me.
I whipped my head around but wasn’t sure if the comment had come from Anton or Nate. They were both grinning, though.
“You live together,” Ian said.
“You love her,” Nate piped up before Ian could continue.
“You love her kid,” Royce added.
“You’re happier than I’ve ever seen you,” Zaan said, nodding.
“It’s time.” Ian’s tone told me he thought I was an idiot.
I looked at all of them, frowning. Were they right? Had we reached the engagement portion of the program?
Maybe we had. I couldn’t think of a single reason not to get engaged. I did love her and Gracie. I was happy. What more was I waiting for? She’d been a little weird the last week or so, but swore to me nothing was wrong, so I’d taken her word for it.
“I know a great jeweler,” Ian said.
“I used him too,” Zaan cut in. “He’s fantastic.”
“I’ll text you his number.”
“Okay, okay,” I said, raising my hands in mock surrender. “But even if I get the ring, I’m not proposing on Christmas. That’s too much of a cliché. I’ll wait…hey! What if I proposed in Limaj?”
The guys all thought this was a great idea and we started batting around ideas about exactly how and when to do it. The more we talked, the more it felt like this was the next move, the right move, for Margot and me. The game was on New Year’s Day and there was supposed to be some kind of reception afterwards, at the palace there in the capital city of Hiskale. I could propose to her at an actual European castle and I’d have someone from the team reach out to get permission to do it somewhere romantic. There had to be gardens or something special, even if they were covered in snow in January. It would be amazing and romantic, for my amazingly special girl.
I met with Mr. Weinberg at his exclusive jewelry shop the next day after practice. I got a little nervous when I walked in because this place was totally high-end, and while I didn’t plan to buy Margot something cheap, I had to watch my budget regardless. I mean, obviously, I couldn’t tell her I was buying her an engagement ring, but hopefully she’d be too excited about the proposal to get upset about the money. The rings I was looking at were anywhere from ten to thirty thousand dollars and I promised myself I wouldn’t get the most expensive.
“I need something middle-of-the-road,” I told him. “Good quality but not necessarily huge. She wouldn’t want something ostentatious anyway.”
“What about this?” He brought out a beautiful princess-cut diamond set in yellow gold, which Everly had said she liked. “It’s traditional, good quality and just under two carats. I’ve had it for a while, so I’m willing to take ten percent off the price to move it out of my inventory, especially since Mr. Campbell has sent me several new customers.”
When he showed me the price, I knew that was the one, and I gave him my credit card. I wasn’t supposed to use them but how else could I surprise her? If I used my debit card, she’d see the charge, and I needed to keep it a secret just under two weeks. By the time we sat down to do bills again after the first of the year, we’d be engaged and I’d explain what I’d done. We were supposed to go away during the All-Star break, but I’d skip it if she was too upset about the cost of the ring.
I finished up at the jeweler and then stopped at Ian’s house to show him the ring and ask him to hold on to it for me since there weren’t any good hiding places at the apartment. I was glad she was at Renee’s because I was bursting with nervous energy and decided to spend the afternoon at Ian’s, putting the dollhouse together. It came with a few essential pieces of furniture, but not a houseful, so Margot had bought a few small pieces, since they were a lot more expensive than I’d thought they would be, and my mother was buying the matching bedroom set. I couldn’t wait to see Gracie’s face, and looked up at Ian as I worked.
“This is insane, right? Did you ever expect to see me putting a dollhouse together for a kid?”
“Not this soon, but yeah, I totally did. You’re going to be a great dad, no matter how much you try to pretend you’re not.”
“I’m not pretending anything, I just never thought about it. I thought I’d be one of those guys who didn’t get married until I was like, thirty-five or something.”
He chuckled. “Look at you, a decade ahead of schedule.”
I sighed. “Yeah, too bad my bank account isn’t ahead of schedule.”
He cocked his head. “You’ve mentioned money a few times now. Is it really that bad?”
I nodded. “Yeah. The last couple of years, I blew through money like water. The Ferrari, my country club membership—that I haven’t used once this fall—lavish vacations, nights on the town… I could drop fifty grand at the blackjack table without batting an eyelash.”
Ian looked horrified. “Bloody hell, mate, what are you thinking?”
“I’ve stopped!” I said quickly. “I guess I was unhappy. Lonely? Maybe I spent the money to buy happiness? I don’t know exactly, but aside from this dollhouse and the engagement ring, I haven’t spent anything beyond necessities and a handful of date nights for three months. Margot and Gracie make me really fucking happy, but now I have to pay down all that debt. One of my credit cards is almost a hundred grand.”
Ian blinked. “Did you say…”
“Maybe it’s like eighty now. Margot’s been really good about paying it down. We hoped to pay it off by the end of the season, but with the engagement ring, we’ll miss making a large payment next month if I pay that off. But the good news is, we paid off the two small credit cards I had, so things are looking up.”
“You don’t have anything saved?”
“I have a small local savings account, not like my retirement or whatever, and that has maybe twenty-five grand in it, but I’ve kept that for a real rainy day, in case I truly do something stupid again.”
“And Margot doesn’t have health insurance.” He met my eyes.
“Yeah, I know.” I shifted uncomfortably, suddenly feeling like a teenager having to explain to his dad that he’d wrecked the car. “Look, I know I’ve fucked up. A lot. But I’ve turned things around, and Margot has me on a budget. The only deviation has been the dollhouse and the engagement ring… Should I not have bought her a ring?”
“Nah, mate, you did good with the ring, but everything else, well, it needs to stop.”
“Believe me, I know. Now we have to think about a wedding and a house…” My voice trailed off. “Fuck. Her parents aren’t going to pay for it, so that means we have to, and dammit, I don’t want to just elope. She deserves a wedding, the beautiful dress, all of it. I want her to have everything she’s never had.”
“What if…” Ian blew out a breath. “I have to talk with Everly, but what if you guys moved in here? Until next season. So about nine months. You’ll be able to put away enough money to have a wedding and pay off your credit card. It wouldn’t be that different for us, and frankly, with you and me on the road and then Everly and me in Scotland part of next summer, we won’t be in each other’s way much.” He paused. “What do you think?”
“Are you serious?” If I’d been the type of guy who got emotional, I might have gotten choked up. It was one of the most amazing things anyone had ever offered to do for me and it meant a lot.
“Well, yeah, of course. The girls will love it, Gracie will be happy, and short-term, I think it’s the best solution for you. But I need your word that you won’t muck it up again, that you’re serious about getting your finances in order.”
“Dude, believe me, Margot is on my ass so much that she actually was worried about her nagging impacting our relationship.”
“Will it?”
“No. I’m in. I’m all the way in, with becoming Gracie’s dad, getting engaged, planning for our future—even being on a freakin’ budget.”
“Well, then, that’s all well and good but w
e have to present this to the ladies as something we discussed, not a done deal. Everly and I usually talk about these things first, so I jumped the gun a bit, but she doesn’t need to know that, and if she balks, I may have to amend the offer.”
“Understood. No problem at all. Let’s keep this under wraps until after Christmas, okay? We can address it after I’ve proposed.”
“Excellent.”
“You’re a good friend, Ian.”
He grinned. “I know.”
“How mad do you think Margot is going to be about spending fifteen grand on an engagement ring?”
“I think she’ll get over it.”
I really hoped he was right.
33
Margot
Our first Christmas as a little family should have been amazing, but I was in something of a fog through most of it. I felt guilty that I hadn’t told Tore about the baby, I was worried about the new financial burden this would be, and my lack of health insurance scared me. I was ten weeks pregnant on Christmas Day and the man I loved, my baby’s father, still didn’t know. Every time I tried to tell him, I chickened out, and as Gracie opened her gifts, I couldn’t fully engage with everyone.
Of course, the dollhouse was the best gift ever. I’d never heard Gracie squeal like that. And then she burst into tears, attempting to hug the dollhouse, saying “thank you” over and over. Shelley was choked up as well, and Tore just smiled, not even taking credit for it being his idea. Gracie assumed it was from me, and we’d put both our names on the tag, but he never said a word and my heart nearly exploded with love for him.
“This was…Daddy’s idea,” I whispered to her when she finally calmed down enough to hug me. “You should give him extra special love and hugs.”
She whirled around and threw herself at him, bursting into tears all over again and telling him how it was the “bestest Christmas present ever.” She almost definitely didn’t remember what she’d gotten the last three years but that was okay. Seeing her this happy reminded me that Tore was a big part of the reason why.
