The Foul Mouth and the Pit of No Return
The King Henry Tapes #6
By Richard Raley
Copyright © 2016 by Richard Raley
http://richardraley.blogspot.com
www.twitter.com/richardraley
[email protected]
Edition: 2016
This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and events are fictitious and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, places or organizations is entirely coincidental.
All rights are reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author.
NOVELS BY RICHARD RALEY
THE KING HENRY TAPES
The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady
The Foul Mouth and the Cat Killing Coyotes
The Foul Mouth and the Troubled Boomworm
The Foul Mouth and the Headless Hunny
The Foul Mouth and the Mancy Martial Artist
King Henry and the Three Little Trips (FM5.5)
The Foul Mouth and the Pit of No Return
The Foul Mouth and the Most Obvious Trap (forthcoming)
STANDALONE NOVELS
Gush (forthcoming)
Sky-Island 1827-E
The Betrothal: Or How I Saved Alan Edwards from 40 Years of Hell
NOVELLAS AND SHORTS
Prime Pickings: An Eater Short*
Little King Henry: A KH Short*
Conquering Hero: A KH Short*
Friendship is Madness: A KH Short*
Second Take: A KH Short*
Griefing: A KH Short*
Meet the Bonnies: A KH Short*
King Henry Short Pack One (*included in)
As always, a toast to Jeff, Josh, Matt, and Brandon
Who taught me so many wonderful new words in high school.
Author’s Note
List of Mancy Types
King Henry’s Class
Staff of the Institution of Elements
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Session 163
Session 65
Session 164
Session 165
Session 66
Session 166
Session 167
Session 67
Session 168
Session 169
Session 68
Session 170
Session 171
Session 69
Session 172
Session 173
Session 70
Session 174
Session 175
Session 71
Session 176
Session 177
Session 72
Session 178
Session 179
Session 180
Session 181
Sneak Peek: Gush
About the Author
Author’s Note
For those of you who have finished The Foul Mouth and the Mancy Martial Artist and immediately skipped forward to The Foul Mouth and the Pit of No Return I wanted to make you all aware that there is a shorter intermediate novel that sits between the two works. King Henry and the Three Little Trips tells three interconnected stories from the same day, two weeks after The Mancy Martial Artist, featuring T-Bone, Eva Reti, and King Henry himself. Please be aware that events in FM5.5 will immediately be spoiled in Pit of No Return, including a character’s death.
Just saying . . .
Might want to read it.
—R.R.
List of Mancy Types
Mancy Type – Element (Ultra Title)
Necromancy – Death (Bonegrinder)
Pyromancy – Fire (Firestarter)
Geomancy – Earth (Artificer)
Aeromancy – Air (Winddancer)
Hydromancy – Water (Riftwalker)
Electromancy – Lightning (Stormcaller)
Cryomancy – Ice (Winterwarden)
Sciomancy – Shadow (Shadeshifter)
Spectromancy – Light (Beaconkeeper)
Floromancy – Plant (Forestplanter)
Faunamancy – Animal (Beasttalker)
Mentimancy – Mind (Mindmaster)
Corpusmancy – Body (Facechanger)
King Henry’s Class
Student’s Name (Mancy Type)
King Henry Price (Geomancer)
Heinrich Welf (Necromancer)
Valentine “Boomworm” Ward (Pyromancer)
Asa Kayode (Hydromancer)
Miranda Daniels (Aeromancer)
Estefan Ramirez (Electromancer)
Debra Diaz (Electromancer)
Curt Chambers (Spectromancer)
Malaya Mabanaagan (Spectromancer)
Quinn Walden (Spectromancer)
Ronaldo Silva (Cryomancer)
Raj Malik (Cryomancer)
Hope Hunting (Cryomancer)
Miles Hun Pak (Sciomancer)
Eva Reti (Sciomancer)
Naomi Gullick (Floromancer)
Preston “Pocket” Landry (Floromancer)
Tamiko Lewis (Floromancer)
Nicholas Hanson (Floromancer)
Sandra Kemp (Floromancer)
Patrick “Rick” Brown (Faunamancer)
Jesus Valencia (Faunamancer)
Jessica Edwards (Faunamancer)
Robin White (Faunamancer)
Athir Al-Qasimi (Mentimancer)
Isabel Soto (Corpusmancer)
Samuel Bird (Corpusmancer)
Yvette Reynolds (Corpusmancer)
Jason Jackson (Corpusmancer)
Nizhoni Sherman (Corpusmancer)
Staff of the Institution of Elements
Name – Institution Position (Mancy Type, Level)
THE LEARNING COUNCIL
Maudette “The Lady of the Lake” Lynch – Dean (Hydromancer, Ultra)
Delores Dingle – Head of Mathematics, King Henry’s Math Teacher (Faunamancer, Intra)
Christopher Erikson – Head of Languages (Cryomancer, Ultra)
Phineas Farraday – Head of Sciences (Mentimancer, Ultra)
Benedict Massey – Head of History (Geomancer, Intra)
Morgana Lancaster – Head of Physical Education, Facechanger Teacher (Corpusmancer, Ultra)
Keith Gullick – Head of Elementalism, King Henry’s Elementalism Teacher (Floromancer, Ultra)
Mordecai Root – Head of Physical Theories, Bonegrinder Teacher (Necromancer, Ultra)
Antigone Hyde – Head of Mental Theories, Winddancer Teacher (Aeromancer, Ultra)
Rudolph Meyer – Head of Electives (Faunamancer, Ultra)
Ceinwyn Dale – Head of Recruiting (Aeromancer, Ultra)
Russell Quilt – Head of Testing/Non-Voting (Mentimancer, Intra)
Nigel Rowland – Firestarter Teacher (Pyromancer, Ultra)
Paul “Plutarch” Nixon – Artificer Teacher (Geomancer, Ultra)
Leander Marlow – Riftwalker Teacher (Hydromancer, Ultra)
Noelle Clarke – Stormcaller Teacher (Electromancer, Ultra)
Alberto Cervantes – Beaconkeeper Teacher (Spectromancer, Ultra)
Rin Yukimura – Winterwarden Teacher (Cryomancer, Ultra)
Tristan McBee – Shadeshifter Teacher (Sciomancer, Ultra)
Earlene Van Houten – Forestplanter Teacher (Flormancer, Ultra)
Wolfgang Von Welf – Beasttalker Teacher (Faunamancer, Ultra)
Yuri Jakovic – Mindmaster Teacher (Mentimancer, Ultra)
OTHER STAFF
Evelyn Strange – Head of the Infirmary (Hydromancer, Ultra)
Kumiko Ambrose – King Henry’s History and History of Elementalism Teacher (Geomancer,
Intra)
Jethro “Jet” Smith – King Henry’s Languages Teacher (Necromancer, Intra)
Nevada Slaton – King Henry’s Science Teacher (Cryomancer, Intra)
Harvey Pride – King Henry’s P.E. Teacher (Corpusmancer, Ultra)
Fines Samson – King Henry’s Survival and Defense Teacher, King Henry’s Elementalism as a Weapon Teacher, Partially Retired (Sciomancer, Ultra)
Audrey Foster – King Henry’s Theory of Anima Teacher (Aeromancer, Intra)
Rainbow Greenbrier – King Henry’s Elementalism as Art Teacher (Spectromancer, Intra)
Wilbur Fisk – King Henry’s Theory of Elemental Prophecy Teacher (Faunamancer, Ultra)
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
(When we last left our heroes)
KING HENRY AND HIS ALLIES
King Henry Price – Geomancer, Maximus? – The Foul Mouth, Artificer for Hire, Wielder of a World-Breaker, Chosen of Meteyos, the Dirt King
Valentine “Boomworm” Ward – Pyromancer, Ultra? – A Recruiter, Ceinwyn Dale’s Heir Apparent, King Henry’s Ex-Girlfriend, The Fire Queen, Miserable In London
Tyson “T-Bone” Bonnie – Electromancer, Ultra – Electronic and Cyber Security Consultant, Video Game Geek, King Henry’s partner in the Artificer Shop, Vicky Welf’s Boyfriend, On Team Don’t Lick the Vamp Clit
Ceinwyn Dale – Aeromancer, Maximus? – Head of Recruiting for the Asylum, The Last True Dale, King Henry’s Former Financial Backer, Friend of Annie B and Ward of Nii-Vah, Likely Candidate to Replace the Lady as Dean
Preston “Pocket” Landry – Floromancer, Ultra – FIND Agent, King Henry’s Friend, Jesus Valencia’s Boyfriend, The Fernthrower, On Team Don’t Lick the Vamp Clit
Jesus Valencia – Faunamancer, Ultra – FIND Agent, King Henry’s Friend, Pocket Landry’s Boyfriend, The Dog Orphan, On Team Don’t Lick the Vamp Clit
Mini-Meta – Corporeal Anima Concentration – Born from Meteyos and Set to Watch Over and Protect King Henry, an Elemental Gnome, Recently Given A Golem by King Henry
Heinrich von Welf – Necromancer, Ultra – Apprentice to Moira Welf, The Dead Prince, Uses the Construct of his Dead Friend Jason Jackson
Vicky von Welf – Spectromancer, Ultra – Up and Coming Spectro Artist, Heinrich’s Younger Sister, Tyson Bonnie’s Girlfriend, Banished from Welf Manor
Jason Jackson – Corpusmancer, Ultra – A Recruiter, Best Friend of Heinrich Welf, Slain by Conan Sapa at the Ouroboros, DECEASED
Miranda Daniels – Aeromancer, Ultra – A Teacher at the Asylum, The Ginger Nemesis, Red Wind, Valentine Ward’s Best Friend
Estefan Ramirez – Electromancer, Ultra – A Senior ESLED Agent Assigned to the West Coast, Married to Debra Diaz, Pretty Boy, Avoiding Children Like the Plague
Eva Reti – Sciomancer, Maximus – ESLED Agent, Loyalty to the Asylum in Doubt, King Henry’s Ex, Recently Experimented on by the Curator, “Enhanced” with Wolf Anima, Lighteater, Probationary Member of Team Don’t Lick the Vamp Clit
Naomi Gullick – Floromancer, Ultra – A Teacher at the Asylum, King Henry’s Ex, She Doesn’t Like Talking About It
Debra Ramirez nee Diaz – Electromancer, Ultra – A Teacher at the Asylum, Married to Estefan, Ready to Start a Family, Like Now, Why Will He Never Go On Vacation?
Old Man Price – King Henry’s Dad, Works in a Warehouse, Living with a Woman named Marge
Susanna Belle Price – King Henry’s Eldest Sister, Whereabouts Unknown, Last Heard About in Seattle
Christmas Ward – Geomancer, Ultra – Fifteen, Valentine’s Younger Sister, Kidnapped by the Curator and Rescued by King Henry and Valentine, Preparing to Start Her Second Year at the Asylum, The Curious Crystal
THE VAMPIRE EMBASSIES
Nii-Vah – Vampire Divine, Mistress of Justice, Guardian of Ceinwyn Dale, Friend of Humanity?
Inanina – Vampire Divine, Mistress of War, the Headless Hunny, Sister and Slayer of the Divine Eresha
Pwent – Vampire Divine, Mistress of Coin and of the Great Bank, Plays All Sides
Moshi – Vampire Divine, Master of Flesh, Breeds Humans for Taste, Placidity, and Pleasure
The False One – Vampire Divine, Recently Risen, The Monster in the Attic, Intentions Unknown, Currently called “Falschein”
Annie B – Vampire Baroness, Wears the Shell of Anne Boleyn, Had a One Night Stand with King Henry, Killed Joannie D, Knows the Truth about King Henry Price, Recently Punished in Glass for Six Months
Moore – A Gentlewoman Vampire, Assigned to the San Francisco Embassy, Has Trice Crossed Paths with King Henry, Offered Information on “The Fall of Atlas”
Linebacker – A Gentleman Vampire, Security for the San Francisco Embassy
Eresha – DECEASED, Vampire Divine, Slain by Inanina with the Help of Mordecai Root
Joannie D – DECEASED, Wore the Shell of Joan of Arc, Vampire Countess, Slain by Annie B with King Henry’s Help
THE WERE NATIONS
Horatio Vega – Werecoyote – King of the Coyote Nation, a Poly-Shifter, Managing Director of the Ouroboros Hotel and Casino, King Henry’s Brother-in-Law
Jordan Josephine “JoJo” Vega – Werecoyote – King Henry’s Sister, Horatio Vega’s Wife, a Poly-Shifter, Pregnant with the Coyote Prince
Hector Vega – Werecoyote – DECEASED, Vega’s Nephew, Attempted to Kill King Henry, House Burnt Down by King Henry, Accidentally Slain by King Henry at the Auction of Illicit Wonders
Esme Castro – Werecoyote – Vega’s Niece, Vega’s Court Secretary
Antonio – Werecoyote – Vega’s Nephew, Head of Security for the First Lie Ranch, Overprotective
Zoey Vega – Werecoyote – Hector’s Maybe Wife At Least Baby Mama
Overcoat – Werecoyote – DECEASED, One of Hector’s Boys
Tatterdemalion – Werecoyote – Assigned by King Vega to Guard Hector, Current Status Unknown
Sharp/Jack – Werepython – Vega’s Bodyguard and Enforcer, Member of the Eternal Order
The Tsar – Wereraven – An Information Broker and Major Underworld Figure
Jarvis Washington – Faunamancer, Intra – Head of the Pitbull Nation, Lying About Being a Were, Officially Recognized by the Asylum
George Joseph “Go-Joe” McKenna IV – Wereotter – Vice President of the Otter Nation, Owns a Club, Total Mega Douchebag
Javier Castillo – Werejaguar – Tlacochcalcatl of the Jaguar Nation, Kidnaps Mancer Recruits for Ransom, Performs Ancient Blood Rites and Sacrifices
Master Zhou – Head of the Eternal Order, Worshiper of the Serpent God, Paid for Construction of the Ouroboros, Initiated King Henry Price Onto the First Rung of the Eternal Ladder
Grant Little – Werewolf – DECEASED, Former Wolf Nation Alpha, Slain in an Experiment Performed by the Three Queens
THE CURATOR AND HIS ALLIES
Obadiah Paine – Geomancer, Ultra – The Curator, The Broken One, Thought Dead by the Asylum, Once in Love with Ceinwyn Dale, Once Coveted King Henry as his Apprentice, Sought to Save the World, Now Seeks to Free the World
Isabel Soto – Corpusmancer, Maximus? – Imprisoned in the Pit, Broke Out with Paine’s Aid, In Love with King Henry Price and Obadiah Paine, Insane with Anima Madness, the Everchanging
Catherine Hayes – Aeromancer, Ultra – Leader of the Three Queens, Bastard Daughter of Frederick von Welf, The Bloodseeker, Ceinwyn Dale’s Second Greatest Mistake
Mary O’Connell – Hydromancer, Ultra – Member of the Three Queens, The Bubbling Undertow
Teresa Garcia – Pyromancer, Ultra – Member of the Three Queens, the Charred Finger
Conan Sapa – Corpusmancer, Intra – DECEASED, Gunman for Hire, Kidnaps and Procures Missed or Passed Over Mancer Children for Paine’s Purposes, Slain by King Henry at the Ouroboros
OTHER POWERS
Meteyos – Dragon – Lord of the Geo Realm, The Killer of Fools, One of the Thirteen, Imprisoned
Aqamadellat – Dragon – Lady of the Scio Realm, One of the Thirteen, Imprisoned, Anticipating the “Awakening”
Pougpaellieth – Sawaephim (Black Elf) – Templar of Meteyos, Friend of King Henry, Imprisoned in the Geo Realm
Session 163
Can’t say I’m a fan of getting arrested.
Ain’t nearly as bad as a woman claiming you da baby daddy, but it’s up there.
. . . What?
It only happened twice!
The tests proved it wasn’t me.
Shit, one was black and the other was a ginger, couldn’t have possibly been mine.
Wasn’t worried at all.
Not one bit.
No, I did not call a doctor’s office afterwards to ask if there are temporary five-year vasectomies.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah.
Getting arrested.
Not a fan.
Even when it’s two of my former classmates carrying out said arrest.
Estefan Ramirez and Miles Hun Pak both started sucking on the Asylum’s massive, studded, authoritative cock right after graduation. Estefan sucked it so hard, long, and with such oral dedication that he was even promoted to Senior ESLED agent a few months back. Still every inch the pretty boy, still expects the whole world to give way with just a smile, me included. Seriously, you just strut into King Henry’s Nerd Nirvana and expect the man himself to slip on some handcuffs like he’s the good ‘ittle boy he ain’t never been?
Okay . . . gonna do it eventually, cuz when you’re fighting the Curator, the Divine Court, half the Were Nations on the planet, and the Mancy only knows who else, you don’t want to pick a fight with ESLED too, but who does Estefan think he is? Maybe the suicidal thoughts were finally showing up. Got married at twenty-one. Got no life ahead of me. Debra already wants kids. What did I do? What was I thinking? If King Henry kills me I won’t have to live with my poor decision making skills.
And Miles . . . Miles Fucking Hun Fucking Pak! Dweeby ass Miles with his dweeby ass glasses and his dweeby ass bowtie. Wardrobe makes T-Bone’s sweater-vest look like badass motherfucker apparel. BAMF on the belt buckle just like McCree. Who does Miles think he is coming into my shop with Estefan, backing up his partner and best friend like that? You stop the guy jumping off the roof, Miles, you don’t help him up the stairs!
The Pit of No Return (The King Henry Tapes Book 6) Page 1
