Did I do that to her?
I step to the left of a gang of young people, hanging my head trying to remember. I did not mean to do that to her, but when two people are close to fitting it’s hard to see where they do not. If I am fair to myself, where has she let me down? Where has she not been enough for me? What do I need that she is not giving me? The answer comes at once.
She is not giving me a wife to take care of, to have by my side, to grow old with and love.
A sense of urgency slams into me. Sophia. What have I been thinking all this time? Francis was right–I have not seen what was right in front of me, has always been! Ever since I was a child, Sophia has been waiting for me to see it, too. How could I have been so blind?
Le Barré is across the street. I stare at it, thinking of the girl inside who does not want me anymore, and of Sophia; how hurt she must be after what I did to her. Her eyes flashing to me at the market fly into my mind. If I were to apply what I have just said about the boy, to her, then I can be sure of one thing. She still loves me.
There are people smoking in front of Annie’s bar. Stacks of wood are beside where the patio will be. Right now it is just tables half in and half out, pretending to be ready. The name she gave it–Le Barré–for the first time warms my soul, that she would pay homage to my land and our time together there. Before, all I could see was what it took from me, this place, but now pride rushes into my chest. Releasing my hold on her has released my ability to take in what she’s accomplished. Emotions rush in, so proud of her. I cross the street searching to see her through the strangers’ faces. Quickly her strawberry-blonde hair comes into view as she grabs two liquor bottles to turn upside down into a martini shaker, a smile on her young face. Standing outside the patio, ignored by people in the seats, I watch her, visited by an image with hair all chopped and black, thumbing through a ragged translation book, searching for food to eat with Adolfo blowing smoke into her lost face.
I head for her. When she sees me her eyes change to discomfort momentarily. The look in mine washes away the look in hers, and she smiles, wondering what I’m thinking, why I look so different, where my need has gone. She points to an empty chair and I know she will be right with me. I’ve done this a hundred times with her in Benito’s bar. She finishes helping two women who might be more than friends, and walks to me, wiping her hands on a bar towel, her eyes searching mine for answers.
“Hi,” she smiles, cautiously. “You look good.”
“There is no more desperation.”
Her eyebrows rise up and she lays the towel down, her hands lying on the edge of the counter. I smile at the familiar sight.
“Oh? I never saw you as---”
I raise my hand and she stops. “I love this place, Bella.”
She beams at me, her eyes filled with relief and still some confusion. “Really?”
I nod, a knot forming in my throat. “Truly. It is an accomplishment and you should stay and enjoy it, feed it, help it grow to everything you wish for it.”
Her hand flies to her chest. “Oh!”
“I am going back to Italy. This is not my home.”
She frowns and looks down for a second. “Just a few hours ago, you insisted you could change my mind.”
Sitting back on the barstool, I laugh. “Sono stato uno sciocco.”
She gently shakes her head, a sad smile tugging at her lips. “You could never be a fool.” Glancing to her left, she holds up a finger to tell me she’ll be back.
I watch her leave to pour red wine into the glass of an artistic-looking older woman with wild hair and bangle bracelets. Her eyebrows are drawn on with pencil and she cocks one thin line my way like she would enjoy eating me alive. There is a playfulness to her flirtation and so I wave with a small flick of my hand. She jogs her eyebrows up a few times over a saucy grin, and Bella comes back to me, shaking her head, saying on a laugh, “That’s Barb. She just whispered to me that I’m the luckiest woman in the world.”
My smile fades; hers, too. “Bella, I want to tell you how much you added to my life.”
She tries to blink away emotion but it clearly will not be shut down. “Oh, please stop. You’re acting like I’ll never see you again.” When I say nothing, she exclaims, “You don’t know that! You can’t just disappear on me. You’re family to me now! What would I do if I thought I could never talk to you?”
I will need to make up to Sophia what I have done, and how I’ve treated her, and she will not want me talking to Bella. “It might be best to not speak for a time,” I answer, solemnly.
“Why?” A thin crease forms on her brow, but she looks away, shaking her head again and this conversation away, with it. “I have to work. You’re staying at least tonight, right. Don’t tell me you were going to run off to some hotel room?”
I was thinking of doing exactly that. “Do you want me to stay?”
“Yes. Please stay with me tonight,” she says, imploringly.
“Okay. I need your keys. I locked up when I left…” I was about to mention Brendan, but she interrupts me, glancing over to see new people in need of a drink.
“If you promise not to vanish while I’m working. If you don’t promise, I’ll make you wait until we close so you can’t get your suitcase!” Her face is so severe as to be very funny.
With amusement, I stand. “I promise. I will be there when you get home.”
With a few strides to the register, she reaches behind it for her keys, pulling off the ones to her home and tossing them to me, one after the other. I catch them both and nod to the woman called Barb. She winks at me so I walk over to her and hold out my hand. “Signora, sei una donna di bellezza.”
Having no idea what I just said, she swoons anyway. “Honey, you can keep talking to me like that all the way to my bedroom. Yowza!”
On a hearty laugh, I bow and kiss her hand. Glancing back to my Annie, I nod goodbye
Chapter Fifty
Annie
Staring: at my door. Wishing: I’d had something to drink before I came home. Shoulders: carrying too much weight for any woman’s good.
It’s strange to be knocking on your own door. If I didn’t know Christiano well, I’d be afraid he wouldn’t be here. But I do know him. I know him better than I know any man.
When he opens it, he looks taller than he did when he arrived. I think it’s because his confidence is back, or his resignation. Either way, something has changed him and it must have been big. I want to ask him what it was, but fear of falling into an endless pit of arguments again, stops me. The air is clean between us, lighter. It’s like it was years ago when we didn’t need something more than the other person could give.
I smile, looking up at him with my heart open and sad that I might not see him again after tonight. “Hi. Can I come in?”
“Welcome to your new home,” he smiles. I go into his opened arms for a hug, squeezing him tightly, pressing my head into his chest. I feel a kiss on the top of my head and he whispers my name.
“I’m going to miss you so much!” I choke. “What am I going to do without you?”
He rocks me like a father would, and whispers, his voice filled with pride and pain, “You’re going to fly, little bird.”
Whimpering, I shake my head and tighten my arms as hard as I can around him. He picks me up and carries me into the bedroom where he takes off my clothes. I let him peel them off me, expecting him to remove everything, but my panties he leaves on. I watch him, slow tears gently falling down my cheeks as he disrobes and folds his clothes into a pile.
If he tried to make love to me, I would let him.
There’s a part of me that wants that kind of goodbye, even though the other part says I belong to Brendan now. In his white boxer-briefs, he climbs into bed. He pulls me in for an embrace and reaches to pull up the covers over our bodies. I tilt my head up and kiss his lips once, but he doesn’t touch his tongue to mine. The kiss is chaste and sweet, our lips pressed together for the last time. Searching my
eyes, he says, “When you wake in the morning, I will be gone.”
A tear aches out of my heart. “Oh my God.”
“I found a flight in the early morning. I have set the alarm, but I do not think I will sleep tonight.”
I nod, eyes blurred. “I won’t either!”
“Do not cry, Bella. I love you.”
“I love you, too! I won’t go to sleep either. I’ll just lie here with you like this.” I burrow my face into the nook of his strong neck and close my eyes. “If I fall asleep, wake me before you leave.”
“No. I will not. It will be too hard,” he whispers into my hair.
I shake my head and burrow deeper into him. “Thank you for loving me.”
“I will always love you. Always.”
We stay like this for a long time, his fingers gently caressing my skin. I try my best to stay awake, but I’m very tired from so much loss in so little time, and I fail.
When I wake up, it’s after nine o’clock in the morning.
I sit up quickly and look around. His folded clothes are gone. As is his suitcase.
“Christiano!” But he doesn’t answer. There is only silence. He kept his word.
Chapter Fifty-One
Annie
Krav Maga Class: one week later.
Teri’s face is splotchy red as she holds the tombstone pad for me. I walked in today and we recognized each other immediately. I don’t know if we did it to get rid of the awkwardness or what, but we partnered up, and she’s pretty good. We were evenly paired for the warm-up exercises and now that we’re in offensive strikes, she’s got as much power as I have, so I can give her everything I’ve got, knowing she can take it. I have to admit, it’s therapeutic punching at one of the women I know Brendan has slept with. Therapeutic and strange, because like a good partner, she’s championing for me to punch harder.
“C’mon! You can do it!”
I barrel through non-stop punches, the last of the straight-punches drill. We’re being timed and the trick is to make every punch count, but my arms are weakening more and more by the second. “Keep going! Remember, you’re fighting for your life!” Teri yells, egging me on. A fire within me blazes at the words you’re fighting for your life, and I slam my fists harder, strength revived by adrenaline alone.
“Switch!” A.J. yells.
Catching my breath, I take half a step back and Teri hands the tombstone pad to me with a gleam in her eyes. “That was really good.”
“You’re just being nice.”
She shakes her head, with a look of get real as she squares off, starting off with ten lefts, then ten rights, then ten left/right combos, and right/left ones, too. You can’t let yourself get used to one side. Both have to be as strong as the other. In between punches, she asks, “How long have you been coming?”
I exhale and pop the pad back in a swift jerk to absorb the power of her fist. “Since I moved back to the city.” She nods. “You?”
“I used to come a long time ago, but then I stopped. I don’t know why. I’ve been back since I heard about that break in at your bar.” She hits the pad. I feel it a little harder this time because her knowledge of what happened surprises me, and I loosened my grip. “Don’t lose focus,” she cautions.
“Right,” I grip it tighter, popping it against her punches as she starts the combo series. “How long were you dating Brendan?” I can’t help it. I had to ask.
She glances up at my face and falters. “Who said I was dating him?”
“Ah.” I purse my lips.
“Non-stop punches!” A.J. yells and Teri and I glance over before she launches in.
Absorbing them with the pad, I struggle for a moment to remember what’s important. We’re here to train. For our health. For our safety. But what she just said is they just fucked and that’s it. Now I can’t get the image out of my head. But there are more important things in life, so I yell at her, “You can do it, Teri! Keep going. You’ve got it! Remember, you’re fighting for your life!”
The determination locks into her eyes as her fists pound into the pad. She’s panting hard, looking both vulnerable and invincible, the weakness taking over her arms, too, as the seconds tick by. You want to make a minute last forever? Do non-stop punches with a girl who’s slept with the love of your life.
“C’mon! Just a little bit longer!”
“And time!” A.J. yells. Teri drops her hands to her sides, panting hard. I lower the pad and take a knee, with her collapsing beside me as we wait for our trainer to explain the next drill. Everyone else has kneeled as well in a lopsided circle around him. “Okay, now when you’re out there, they’re not going to stop until you make them stop. So if you can’t get away, you need to be able to do whatever it takes to bring them down. Your safety is the most important thing. And when you’re being attacked, it can come from any angle. You’re at your weakest when you’re on your back, so I’m going to show you how to fight from there. You’re going to love this,” he smiles like he knows we won’t. Some of us, including me, laugh because we know he’s about to exhaust the fuck out of us. “You’re going to do more non-stop punches. Doesn’t that sound fun?” More laughter. But his face gets serious to the task at hand. “When I say ‘knees’ you will both kneel, the pad holder and the puncher. When I say ‘down,’ the puncher will lie down and the pad holder will stand above you like you’re being attacked. You will punch as hard as you can, non-stop, still using your hips to drive those punches. You got it?”
We all yell, “Yes!”
“Okay. First person up last time is the puncher.”
Teri and I stand. I hand her the pad. We both hit our fighting stance and as soon as he yells “Go! Non-stop punches!” I lay into the pad hard. “Knees!” We fall to our knees, neither of us missing a beat. “Down!” I fall to my back and she stands above me with her feet planted on either side of my waist, the pad held above me. I punch it and punch it and switch to palm-strikes when my knuckles hurt too badly. She’s yelling at me to keep going. She’s on my side, helping me, and the feeling is bizarre… because it feels as though this is how it’s supposed to be.
Women helping women, regardless of circumstance.
“Knees!” I climb up and she falls to her knees, with me palm-striking the pad fast and furious. “Up!” We rise, and my arms are so weak but Teri eggs me on with an urgent gleam in her eyes.
“You can do it, Annie! Just a little longer!”
“And Time!” A.J. yells. “Okay, switch.”
With every drill, she and I come closer together. It doesn’t matter anymore how we met or who we know, we’re friends now. That’s clear. Will we hang out? Maybe.
And when everyone forms the line in front of the mirror to do the end-of-class ritual, Teri holds out her hand. I give it a firm shake and we smile at each other, our chest rising and falling quickly as we catch our breaths, our faces flushed and alive. We walk out together, too, with me drying my face off with my towel as I nod to Alexa, the pretty brunette at the front desk.
Teri holds the door open with her backside. “I think you kicked some serious ass, sister!”
“Me? Look at you! I’d have you on my team any day.”
“I love this stuff,” she admits, walking beside me into the parking lot. “This is me.” She points to a black Audi A5.
“Nice ride. Okay, have a good one,” I smile, heading to my car.
“Annie!”
I turn to see her head tilted, keys suspended in her hand. She walks over to me and I meet her in the middle as fellow classmates pass us on the way to their cars.
“Yeah?”
She looks concerned and a little guarded. “What happened with you know who?”
I blink at her, absently folding up my dampened towel. “What do you mean?” Teri cocks her head to the side like she wants me to give her more credit. I sigh, deciding I need someone to talk to. “I fucked up. The details don’t matter, but I’m waiting to see if he’ll forgive me.”
Teri
nods, reading my face with the intensity of a therapist. “He’s not doing well.”
My insides twist. My face, too. “How so?”
She looks to the side for a second, paused by the oddness of discussing this with me. I guess I must have earned her respect in class, too, because she says, “Look, I’ve known Brendan for awhile…”
“And I’ve already gathered how well,” I interject, so we’re both clear.
She cuts her eyes to me. “Okay. So it’s out in the open then? Well, I’ve known him awhile and you should know that I’ve never met anyone he’s dated. Ever. As in I don’t think he’s ever dated anyone.”
I don’t tell her about Rebecca, because I’m beginning to understand they didn’t really date. “He doesn’t do girlfriends,” I offer.
Teri laughs. “Oh man. That guy is funny. But when I met you at Knockout, he made it very clear that you were his girlfriend. His body language, his eyes, his everything. He’s never done that.”
We stare at each other. “What are you saying?”
She chuckles at my need to be hit over the head with it. “I’m saying he gives a fuck about you. That’s what I’m saying. And I saw him the other night. He was a shell. A walking shell. I knew something had happened because he’s always Mr. Easy Going, cooler than cool. Well, he’s not anymore.” She looks at me with meaning.
“I’m glad to hear it, but I texted him and he didn’t return my text. The thing is, Teri, when a man wants you, he lets you know. I’ve spent long enough waiting for Brendan Clark, I can’t force him to do what he doesn’t want to do, especially if that includes calling me.” I turn and start walking to my car, my emotions propelling me.
She calls after me, “I just want someone to have a happy ending! There’re too many unhappy people in the world for two more!”
With my hand on the door-handle of my car, I turn my head. “From your mouth to God’s ears. Goodbye.”
I climb in, closing the door to sit in silence and stare through the windshield at the dinged-up cement wall in front of me. It’s been so hard not to call him, or text him again. But I know that it takes two people wanting love for love to work. My parents went through a time just after I was born where he was unfaithful, and they decided to work through it together. And they were successful only because they both really wanted it, and wanted it badly.
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