“Why would you want to take care of yourself when we can take care of each other? It doesn’t make sense.” He slipped his fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp as he spoke. “Sweetheart, we’ve been apart too long. I just wanna be together now.”
“I know. I want that too, but I don’t want to rush into anything before we’re ready.”
“Believe me, I’m more than ready.”
She knew Aiden was used to being in control, but she also knew there was little he wouldn’t do to make her happy. “I love you, but now I need to learn how to love myself so we can have a long and happy life together.”
He smirked. “It just so happens I’m an expert at lovin’ you. Who better to teach you how it’s done?”
Sela smacked his chest, laughing when he winced. “I’m serious. I need to do this.” She had never voiced her insecurities to anyone, not even him. “I’ve dealt with self-loathing for a long time now. It’s done a number on me.”
“I thought we agreed to put the past behind us?”
“I know, but it’s not going to happen overnight.”
“I think we made a pretty good start tonight.” He lowered his hand to the swell of her bottom. “Don’t you?” He squeezed the soft flesh, making her smile. “’Cause if you tell me I need to work at convincin’ you, I’m more than ready to take on that challenge.”
She loved that he could always make her smile; even in the face of fear or sadness, he’d always reminded her that his love would see her through. “This isn’t about sex.”
“I know,” he said, quietly.
She looked up at him and hated the uncertainty and fear she’d put in his eyes. “This has nothing to do with you, Aiden. This is about me figuring out who I am when I’m not half of a whole. I’ve been Neil’s wife for so many years. Before that, I was Muriel and Peter’s daughter or Danny’s sister or your girlfriend. I need to figure out who I am.”
“What if you decide you don’t need me after all?”
What had she ever done to deserve the love of a man like this? And would she ever be able to forgive herself if her indecision cost her a second chance with him?
“We’re not kids anymore. We need to come into this relationship as mature adults capable of committing to forever. I’m just not there yet. I love you, but I need to know that I can stand on my own two feet, rebuild my business, and create a home for myself before I can even think about starting a new life with you.”
She’d hoped he would tell her that he understood and he supported her decision, but perhaps she was expecting too much. “Please, don’t be angry.”
“I’m not angry. I’m just confused. When you told me you loved me, when we made love, I assumed that meant we were a couple.”
“You know I want to be with you, only you, but I can’t start planning for the future until I’m happy in the present. Being back with you is amazing, but other areas of my life need attention. I can’t let this relationship be the only thing in my life that matters. It’s too dangerous. What if…”
“Things don’t work out?”
He spit the words out through clenched teeth, and even if she hadn’t known him so well, she would have known he was angry with her. “We can’t pretend that it could never happen. It’s already happened to us once before. Losing you almost destroyed me; I can’t let that happen again.”
“You didn’t lose me, you dumped me. There’s a big difference.”
The panic rising from her stomach told her they were moving further apart instead of closer together. “I want to spend as much time with you as I can. At your place or mine. You can spend the night or I will. It doesn’t matter, as long as we’re together, right?”
“Yeah, sure.”
He acquiesced, but she knew that didn’t mean he was ready to let go of the bitterness. “Please, don’t be like that.”
“I don’t know what you want from me. I want you. I want to be with you every night. I want you to share my bed, my house, my life. Is that so terrible?”
“No, of course not. It sounds wonderful, but—”
He sat up, pushing her arm aside. “But you’re not ready. Yeah, I know, I heard you the first time.”
Chapter Eighteen
Sela hadn’t seen Aiden in the days since they’d made love, though she attempted to reach out to him several times. He was always polite when he answered the phone, but there was a breach between them that broke her heart.
Sitting in Aiden’s private box, surrounded by their family and friends, she got a glimpse of what their life could be like if she surrendered to his will. Her divorce would be final before long and there would be nothing holding her back, except for the gnawing fear that she was destined to be dependent on a man for the rest of her life.
Sharon sat down next to her, rubbing her back as they both watched the players skating around the ice to the applause of the full-capacity crowd. “You wanna talk about it?”
“About what?” She knew trying to hide the truth from her best friend was pointless. The only other person who could read her thoughts as easily as Sharon was the man who’d just won another face-off.
“I thought you’d be so happy, now that you and Aiden are finally finding your way back to each other. But you’re clearly not. You wanna tell me why?”
“I don’t know.” She watched Aiden make a pass, trying to set up their team’s fourth shot on goal. “I’ve imagined what it would be like for so long, you know, us being back together again, but…”
“It’s not like you thought it would be?” When Sela didn’t respond, she asked, “Do you think you’ve changed too much? Or too much has happened?”
“The strange thing is we’re still the same people. You’d think that this…” She gestured to the screaming fans filling the stands. “Would have changed him, but it hasn’t. He’s still the same sweet, down-to-earth guy I fell in love with in high school.”
Sharon smiled. “Yeah, I got the same impression when we talked. Not that I’m surprised. I knew Aiden wouldn’t let the money or fame go to his head. He’s just not like that.”
“You’re right. He’s not.” Sela was impressed that Aiden maintained his integrity in a world where famous, wealthy people seemed intent on barreling down the path of self-destruction.
“Did you tell him everything?” Sharon made sure that the dozen other people occupying their box were engaged in watching the game before she whispered, “Does he know the real reason you married Neil?”
“Yeah, he knows.”
“What did he say?”
“At first, he was hurt and angry. Hell, who am I kidding? He was devastated.” It pained Sela to recall the look in his eyes when he found out about their baby. She feared that look would haunt her forever. She could only hope it would fade with time or maybe be replaced by the good memories they created. Assuming he was willing and able to be patient with her until she got her life together.
“At first… Does that mean he’s forgiven you?”
“He says he has.” She had to admit, the night she’d spent in his arms, it hadn’t felt like any bitterness lingered between them. Until she told him she needed time and space to sort things out. “But I don’t know.”
“Where do you guys stand now?”
She saw Aiden sitting on the bench talking to one of his teammates and wished she could reach out to him. She needed to feel his arms around her, to reassure her that they were going to be okay. “I wish I knew. I told him I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship right now.”
Sharon winced. “Ouch. How did he take that?”
Sela was surprised by her friend’s reaction. If anyone understood how unhappy she’d been during her marriage, it was Sharon. “Not well.”
“I can’t say I blame him. He’s spent most of his life loving you. You guys finally have something you never thought you would, a chance to be together, and you’re blowing it.”
“What are you talking about? I never said I don’t want to be with him. I
just said I need a little time to find myself.”
Sharon rolled her eyes. “Who said that with age comes maturity?”
Sela was used to her friend’s bluntness, but that didn’t mean her barbs didn’t sting sometimes, especially when they hit their mark. “Are you implying that I’m immature?”
Sharon put an arm around her. “You know I love you, but come on, we’re not kids anymore. We know that life is hard sometimes. There are gonna be struggles, that’s just part of life. But wouldn’t you rather get through those hard times with the man who loves you by your side to hold you up when everything else is trying to take you down?”
Behind Sharon’s quick wit and sharp tongue was a heart of gold, and Sela was grateful for her understanding now, when she felt like she was on the verge of falling apart and making a spectacle of herself in front of the people who loved Aiden the most. “I don’t want him to feel responsible for my happiness. It’s not fair to him.”
“Honey, when you’re in a relationship, you gladly accept responsibility for your partner’s happiness.” She glanced at her husband, who was engrossed in watching his favorite team dominate their opponents. “Take James and me for example. I know I can’t fix every problem he has, but I can be there to listen and offer advice when he needs it. That’s good enough for me and for him.”
“I’m just so confused.” The buzzer sounded to indicate the end of the first period and people began to file out of the box to stretch their legs and use the restrooms.
“Of course you are. You haven’t been in a normal, happy relationship for a long time.”
“Not since Aiden,” she said, quietly.
“That’s my point. You’re getting something most people never get: a second chance with the man you love. Are you really going to waste it?”
“I don’t want to, but I’m scared.”
Sharon reached for her hand. “It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to let that fear dominate you. Tell me why you think you need time to sort things out?”
“I need to know that I can stand on my own, without a man to support me.”
Sharon chuckled. “If you can do that, you’re a stronger woman than I am.”
Sela couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her friend had always been one of the strongest, most independent women she’d ever known. She ran their home with a gentle, but firm hand and her husband and children knew that mom was the one who set the rules. “How can you say that? I want to be you when I grow up!”
Sharon laughed out loud. “Honey, you’ve got it all wrong. You think proving to yourself that you can live without Aiden will make you stronger, but having to live without him will only make you weaker.”
“What do you mean?”
“Remember last year when Christine got pneumonia?”
Seeing Sharon’s toddler lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines to assist her breathing, had terrified them all. “Of course, how could I forget that?”
“Everyone thought I handled it so well, that I was so strong for my little girl. Little did they know that I was a wreck inside. When James and I were alone, I’d fall apart. The poor guy, not only did he have to worry about his sick daughter, but his wife was coming apart at the seams.”
“I had no idea. Why didn’t you come to me?”
“Because James was the only person who knew what I felt in that moment. He was as scared as I was, but he managed to hold it together. He was strong enough for both of us, and that’s why I love him. Everyone thinks I’m so strong, but they’re wrong. He’s the strong one.”
“Wow, you think you know someone.” James had always seemed so laid-back and mild mannered to Sela. She never would have guessed that he was the reason her friend was able to assume the role of Superwoman.
“That’s my point. It’s okay to need someone like that in your life to balance things out. I’m not saying that it’s always that way. Sometimes he has a bad day and I need to be his rock. That’s what relationships are all about.”
Sela thought of her own parents’ marriage. “I guess you’re right.”
“I know I am.” She grinned. “Look, Aiden’s a strong, dominant man. That’s just who he is. He wants to take care of the people he loves, but since when is that a bad thing?”
“I don’t know that it is.” Now she was even more confused than before. Going into tonight, she’d been clear about what she wanted: time to prove to herself that she was strong enough to go it alone. Then, and only then, did she feel she’d be ready for the kind of all-consuming relationship Aiden seemed to want. “But I want to know that I can take care of myself.”
“Why is letting someone take care of you such a bad thing?”
Sela’s mouth fell open. Her modern, strong-willed girlfriend was actually a proponent of allowing a man to take care of her? She felt like someone had abducted Sharon and replaced her with June Cleaver’s clone. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”
Sharon rubbed her tiny baby bump and smiled. “You’ve got it all wrong, girl. I’m not suggesting you kick your feet up and suddenly become a kept woman because you have a rich man who wants to take care of you. I know that’s not who you are. Hell, I’d have to kick your ass if I thought you were even considering letting your considerable talents go to waste.”
“Okay, I’m not following you.”
“You are a strong, confident, capable woman, whether you realize it or not. I’ve seen the way you command the agents in your office. You negotiated the sale of our house, remember? You were a tyrant.”
Sela laughed at the memory. She’d barely let the other agent get a word in when he started in on the deficiencies with the house her friends were trying to sell. “I may have been a little over the top.”
“No, you were great. I was so impressed, so was James.”
“Really?” Despite the fact that she was personally responsible for selling thirty million dollars of residential real estate every year, Sela never took the time to revel in her personal accomplishments. She knew that’s what she had to do to keep the creditors from banging on her door. If she’d been working for any other agency in the city, her sales would have earned her recognition as their top-selling agent, but since she was running her own show, almost every cent she made went back into the business.
“Can I ask you something?” Sharon asked.
“Sure, you can ask me anything, you know that.”
“Do you like your job?”
“I guess.” She thought about it for a minute. “There are things I like about it and things I don’t.”
“What do you like about it?”
That was an easy question to answer. “I love interacting with people, helping them find their dream homes. Or sometimes, it’s helping them sell their home quickly so they can downsize and alleviate the financial burden of a house they can no longer afford to maintain.”
“Huh.” Sharon seemed to consider her response before she asked, “And what’s your least favorite part of the job?”
“Making sure that everyone’s making their sales quotas so I can make my lease payment that month. I know that everyone’s doing the best they can in this economic climate, and I see the disappointment and fear in people’s eyes when I have to start making demands on them. I hate that, it’s not who I am.”
“I know,” Sharon said quietly.
“What do you mean?”
“You used to be so passionate about your job, Sela. When you were working for someone else, you were able to spend your time doing what you wanted and you let someone else worry about the rest.”
“But being my own boss was always the end goal, you know that.”
“Yeah, but I never understood why.”
“Nobody wants to work for someone else for the rest of their lives.”
“Yeah, but even when you worked under someone else’s umbrella, you were always an independent contractor. You set your own hours, called your own shots. You basically wrote your own pay check based on how
hard you were willing to work.”
“True.”
Sharon nudged her. “And I seem to recall you bustin’ your ass to earn those six figures every year.”
“I did.” She thought back to the award ceremonies when she was named the company’s top salesperson or awarded a car or trip because of her impressive sales figures. She served as a mentor and role model to new agents just starting out, so she thought starting her own business would be the next logical step in her career. But ever since she opened her doors, she’d felt the weight of that responsibility bringing her down.
“You were planning on sinking all of the money from the divorce settlement into that business, right?”
She didn’t feel she had a choice. The marketing costs alone to maintain a foothold in the competitive market nearly wiped her out each month. “Yeah, why?”
“What would you do if the business wasn’t a consideration?”
“Sharon, I can’t even think about that. Those agents depend on me.”
“This city has dozens of agencies, and they’re always looking for experienced people to fill empty desks. You’ve told me that yourself dozens of times over the years. We both know they’d all be able to go out tomorrow and find a new agency.”
She couldn’t deny her friend was right, so she said nothing as she contemplated her options. Prior to this conversation, she didn’t think she had any. She’d never been a quitter, and the thought of dissolving her business left a bitter taste in her mouth, but it also filled her with a sense of excitement she hadn’t felt in a long time. She could be free at last.
“What’s your point, Sharon?”
“My point is, for the first time in a long time, you need to think about what’s best for you. Not Neil or your parents, or even Aiden. What do you want?”
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