Merlin had exited her dream, but he was still near. What bothered Tally was that while she was skipping along the primrose path, literally, she could still hear Merlin talking to her sleeping body. That didn’t sit right with her at all. It shouldn’t be so easy for him to put someone to sleep, immersed in some shiny, happy Hell of his design—and it had to be his, because there was no way that this tripe lived in her head.
There were flowers. Lots of flowers. She hated flowers. They made her sneeze. Tally wasn’t one of those cute little witches who sneezed with a delicate little nose twitch like some cuddly forest animal’s. When she sneezed, it was a call out to sea to warn captains of the fog. Or a short burst from a tornado siren. And no matter how hard she tried, she spit like a camel every time she sneezed.
Tally kept waiting for her eyes to water, for her nose to itch, and the back of her throat to feel like someone was gagging her with a feather duster.
Nothing.
She had to admit the flowers were kind of pretty when they weren’t out to get her. They were all pink. Tally had developed a recent affinity for pink.
That was until she saw the obscenely pink thing waiting for her in the clearing.
Merlin was one sick fuck. That’s all there was to say.
Tally didn’t know which bothered her more—the fact that it was shaved with a little heart design vajazzled with tiny cubic zirconia, or that she knew it was going to talk. She was horrified by both. She’d never get vajazzled, so this couldn’t be her snatch.
She wanted to hold her breath. She didn’t want to be this close to her snatch, seeing as she’d had sex not too long ago. In small doses, it didn’t bother her, but this was a five-foot-three-inch pussy with feet. Would it have bad breath?
Tally supposed she shouldn’t worry about its breath, but what it had to say to her. Obviously, it was important, or Merlin wouldn’t have done this. Unless he was really bored—Tally wasn’t going to discount the possibility.
“Hi, sweetie,” it cooed.
Oh, this was so not happening. Nope. Nuh-uh. Especially when the lips moved as it talked. She was going to have nightmares about her nightmares until . . . well, forever. After she was dead, Tally was sure this very moment would still be emblazoned in her brain like a bad tattoo.
“You’re not going to freak out, are you? We haven’t got much time and this is important.”
Why did everyone she met ask her if she was going to freak out? Was she a freaking-out sort? Tally didn’t think she was, even though these situations certainly warranted a minor case of freaking right the hell out.
“Nope, I think I’m good. I’ll freak out later.”
“Excellent.”
Why did it have a Southern accent? The vajazzled heart changed shape until it spelled out Falcon’s name. Tally’s stomach flopped over on itself and she raised an eyebrow.
“It’s that simple. You love him.”
“No, I don’t,” she squeaked.
“I thought you said you weren’t going to freak out?”
“I’m not freaking out. You’re mistaken about that, too,” Tally reaffirmed.
“No, sweets. I’m not. We love him.”
“You love him. He’s a great fuck,” Tally agreed.
“No, no.” It sighed and Tally held her breath, just in case. “We. Love. Him. Figure it out, before we lose him.”
“He doesn’t want to be loved.”
“He does. He doesn’t know it yet. It’s up to us to show him. After we save him, of course, but I can’t talk about that.”
“Again with the cryptic crap. I’ve had enough of this. . . .” Tally trailed off when she saw the thing opening its mouth and stretching a little too wide for Tally’s comfort. No wonder males had so many issues with the vagina. They thought they were going to be eaten whole.
“Look, Ma! No great and terrible evil!”
“I don’t need to look, really,” Tally reassured it.
“No, you do. You’re still worried we’re going to chomp Falcon up into bitty, digestible pieces. Come on. Have a look. We haven’t been friends since this thing happened. I miss you.”
“What?” Tally choked.
“Touching me is healthy. We like it. Falcon, as talented as he is, won’t be around to massage me all the time. We’re in our prime. What happened with Vargill isn’t my fault. You have to stop blaming me and yourself. You’ve learned the lessons, right? So, come say hello.”
“I don’t wanna.”
“You’re not getting out of here until you do and my time is almost up. There’s only one other body part who’s interested in talking and I don’t think you want to hear what he has to say.”
“He?”
“He’s mad at you and Tristan for a certain experimental phase. . . .”
“Fine.” Tally took a step closer to the walking vagina and peered inside. It was right. No teeth. “Okay.”
“Now, touch me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” It sounded bereft.
“Look, you’re nice and everything, but I’m not into snatch.”
“I appreciate your honesty, but you have to hit your button if you want to go home.”
“My button?”
“You know the button? The man in the boat? The bud? Hard pleasure nubbin? Merlin’s Bribe for Childbirth? Nature’s Rubik’s Cube? I got that last one from Robot Chicken. Wait, no, I think it was Family Guy.”
“Okay, that’s enough. I don’t need to hear you’re having your own thoughts while we watch reruns on Hulu.”
“Look, I’m not really me. I’m you. A part of you that you don’t want to face and understandably so. Push the bean just to show what you’ve learned and you can get the hell out of here.”
Tally reached out a tentative hand and poked at the warm flesh. It didn’t feel so very foreign. In fact, it was kind of nice. When she poked it, she felt it right where she would if she was touching it on herself.
“There you go, honey. I’ll see you at home,” it said.
And Tally woke up in her bed, with her fingers shoved inside her wet, clenching slit to the second knuckle.
She didn’t really need another orgasm, but it felt so good. Not only because of the physical pleasure it brought her, but because she was starting to feel at home in her own skin again.
Maybe, just maybe, Merlin knew what he was doing after all.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Birds of a Feather
Something about Tally was different. Falcon couldn’t put his finger on it, but it bothered him. She’d hummed in the shower and hadn’t even cursed his closet gnome when it wouldn’t give her a pair of socks. She seemed happy.
He did realize that on the surface that sounded like ten kinds of shitty. Falcon wanted her to be happy, but the way things were headed, the world was going to end swallowed by a wolf. Maybe it was the kind of manic joy that came with just saying “fuck it”?
Falcon wandered downstairs to warn his mother and brothers that Tally had spent the night—and would be spending the night for the foreseeable future.
He saw his mother, Stardust, fussing over some potion or another on the stove. The house smelled like homemade chocolate chip cookies, still gooey from the oven. His mother was cruel that way. Not intentionally, of course. She knew how her boys loved homemade cookies. It was just the ones that came out of her oven never tasted like cookies. Sometimes sawdust or ferret bedding, but never cookies. Potions she could do, but cooking—he was sure there was actually a law against the way she did it.
“Just where the bloody hell have you been, boy-o?” Raven demanded as Falcon walked in and dropped a kiss on his mother’s forehead.
“You’re not British,” Hawk corrected him.
“No, but I like to say ‘bollocks’ and ‘quim.’ ” Falcon imagined Raven could feel the ghost of his mother’s hand connecting with the back of his head from the look she fired his way. “And that I love me mum,” he added.
Stardust Cherrywoo
d smiled back at her son and went on about the business of whatever witchery she was brewing on the stove.
Raven took the opportunity to add, “And Dred’s black book says it will get me laid. The thing talks. Can you believe that?”
“I’d believe just about anything when it comes to Dred.” Hawk shrugged.
“You didn’t answer the question.” Raven smirked. “And tell us about the Amazons.”
“Better than that, Raven. I got you a date with one.”
“You’re serious?”
“No,” Falcon snorted. “You couldn’t handle the Valkyries.”
“You said they canceled?”
Falcon smirked and it bloomed into a sly grin. Raven punched him and Falcon blocked, until Hawk got behind him.
“Total dick move, Hawk. Dick. Move.”
“Take your lumps,” Hawk fired back.
“Okay. I’ll take them, but I’ll keep the Amazons’ WitchBerry numbers.”
“Maybe I was a bit hasty,” Hawk conceded and released him.
Falcon slapped down two business cards and animated warrior women danced across them.
“Do we get the lust potion you dip your arrows in, too?” Raven asked excitedly.
“Hell no. That would be like slipping them roofies. What’s wrong with you? You’re lucky Mom didn’t hear you or she’d kick your ass. Or worse, make you eat whatever that is trying to crawl out of the Crock-Pot.” Falcon shook his head and then ducked, just as a wooden spoon sailed past his head.
“Sorry, Mom. I have to be honest. It’s an angel thing.” Falcon supposed it was beyond ironic that he was lying. About the angel thing, not about her cooking.
Stardust’s scowl warmed to a smile. She motioned for Falcon to come back over to her and he did, even though he knew what was to follow. He presented his face and she pinched his cheeks and cooed to him about how proud she was of his Crown Prince of Heaven status.
Then he braced himself for the slap. He always got the slap for dying. It always hurt like hell, too. The Trifecta had decided at a very young age that their mother had needles in her hands. She was like a porcupine and could summon them at will to slap the ever-loving hell out of them when they’d been particularly bad.
He smiled at his mother before she slapped him. Falcon could understand her dismay. If he hadn’t taken the Cupid job, he’d have stayed dead. It would break her heart in a million pieces to lose any of her children.
Instead of slapping him, she just patted his cheek. “You’re a good boy, Falcon. Not like those other two. How’s Drusilla?”
How to answer that one? Hot and tasty?
“She’s good. You can ask her yourself. We had a bit of a problem with the house and we stayed over.”
“You’ll take good care of our Tally,” Stardust said with a warm smile. Her warm, dark eyes sparkled with mischief.
And how did he know it was mischief? Because he’d seen it mirrored on his brothers’ faces before they’d all stomped directly in exceedingly deep piles of shit.
“Mama—” he began. He always called her “Mama” when he was trying to get his way. It usually worked.
“Well, I’d just hoped that one of you would marry her. I love that girl like my own child and I want her to be a part of the family.”
“That doesn’t explain the sparkle in your eyes, woman,” Falcon teased.
“Now that my son is Cupid, I’d think he could indulge his aging mother with an arrow to one of your brothers.”
“Like hell,” Raven growled.
“Mom, the witch has a great and terrible evil in—” Hawk started.
“She does not!” Falcon’s wings exploded out of his back and he looked every inch an avenging angel ready to smite his hapless brothers.
“Whoa! You’re a little touchy there, Falcon,” Hawk said.
“Oh, my Goddess! You fucked her?” Raven’s mouth fell open.
Stardust took the opportunity to hex a bar of soap into his mouth. “You watch your mouth. Especially about our Tally.” She turned to Falcon. “If you’re engaging in relations with that witch, you’d better treat her well, Falcon. I don’t care how big your wings are, I’ll still take a wooden spoon to your butt.”
“Mom, it’s a Shall Not.” Liar.
“Oh,” she said as if she understood. “Well, what about shooting one of your brothers for her?”
“I’m not shooting my brothers.” Hell no, he wouldn’t shoot either one of them. They were on their own. Not to mention, the idea of Tally with either one of them pissed him off like a bear with his head stuck in a beehive with no honey.
“Well, thank Merlin for that,” Hawk said and Raven nodded along, the soap still in his mouth.
“You should know, Hawk—” Falcon squinted at him. “I can see your aura. It’s a little pink.”
“Your wings!” he shot back.
“Yes, dumbass. I’m aware of my wings. I’m telling you though—your aura is pink already. That means you’re in love. You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble if you just admit it.”
“Look, just because my girlfriend’s pregnant doesn’t mean I’m in love.” Hawk froze and his head turned toward his mother with all the recalcitrance of a rusty hinge.
Stardust Cherrywood turned a shade of red best reserved for candy apples, nail polish, and fast cars. “She’s what?” Her eyebrows shot up into her still-dark hair like rummaging rodents.
Raven snickered around his soap.
“If you can still talk, that bar isn’t big enough.” Stardust shot him a look that would’ve been more at home on a vengeful goddess.
“I wanted to tell you, but I knew you’d be a little upset,” Hawk ventured, his hands out in front of him in supplication.
“Who is this girl and how far along is she?”
“She’s due in a month. It’s a boy. We named him Orion.”
“When’s the wedding.” It wasn’t a question, not really.
“Neither of us wants to get married.”
“After I talk to her family, she will.” Stardust nodded as if that would make it so.
“She’s not a witch. She’s mortal.”
“Uno che va in culo a sua madre!” Stardust gripped the counter for support.
Falcon had to stymie a snicker. She’d basically said “motherfucker.” Since Hawk’s woman was pregnant, he found it to be an ironic word choice. Hawk looked for a moment like he was considering how fast he could get out of there and whether it would worth the curses she was sure to fling at his head when he got back.
Tally’s laughter echoed from the stairs and she wandered into the kitchen. “Mama Stardust, what did they do now?”
Stardust continued on in a rush of heated Italian, but Tally just put an arm around her shoulders and stirred the bubbling brew on the stove. She’d always been good at soothing his mother.
Stardust sighed and explained what had happened.
Tally just smiled that secret smile she’d been wearing since they woke up. “I think Merlin may actually know what he’s doing. It will all work out. I’m sure of it.”
“Which of my boys do you want? I will give you one. You will marry him and give me fat grandbabies.”
Tally didn’t look at all like the deer in headlights he felt like. She simply kept smiling. “You know, I’ve always been particularly attached to Falcon. He taught me to ride my first broom, you know. I think I’ll take him.” She winked at him.
Stardust clapped her hands together. “Good! We’ll plan the wedding today.”
If Falcon had been a lesser warlock, he might have pissed himself.
But Tally managed his mother in a way no one else could. She kissed Stardust’s cheek dutifully. “Thank you, Mama Stardust. But we have to wait for Falcon to shoot himself with one of his love bullets before we can do that.”
His mother’s eyes narrowed with a predatory gleam. “Is that all? I will shoot him.”
Tally laughed again, the sound light and musical to his ears. He liked her laughter. �
�No, no. I was teasing. You always told me things will happen in their own time. And they will. Both for me and for Falcon, even for Hawk and Raven.” Stardust was still making a face. “Just like they did for Middy.”
“Okay.” She seemed resigned. “But, it wouldn’t hurt to have it all planned, would it?”
“Tally is going to work with me today. No time,” Falcon interjected.
“We’ve got to go to work, too, Mom.” Hawk grabbed Raven by the collar of his shirt and yanked him out the back door. They forgot their brooms, but Falcon knew they wouldn’t be back for them any time soon.
Stardust kissed both him and Tally on the cheek. “You be careful. Spread some love. All the worlds can always use more.”
He grabbed Tally and flashed them to a cloud, where he charmed a picnic to spread itself out before them. “It can’t hurt to have lunch before we put our noses to the grindstone, right?”
Tally giggled, genuine joy on her face. “A picnic on a cloud? I thought they were all mist? This feels like one of those bouncy houses Middy and I loved as kids.” She bounced up and down to demonstrate.
“One of the perks of being Cupid. I’m supposed to hang out in cloud cover and shoot the unsuspecting.”
He wondered if he should bring up her discussion with his mother or if she would. She’d said she didn’t want any kind of a relationship. They’d had the discussion, but the way she was talking with his mother it was like she expected something to suddenly change.
But she didn’t say anything. She kept popping grapes in her mouth and leaned back on the cloud, seemingly content to watch the world below drift by.
“Oh!” she squealed and popped up onto her knees. “Give me your love gun.”
“I, uh, just gave it to you again this morning.”
“Warlocks.” She shook her head. “Give me the gun or the bow and arrow. Hurry up!”
For one horrifying moment, Falcon thought she meant to shoot him. Until she jerked the gun out of his hand and aimed it at a young girl who was sitting on a bench in a park down below. She was crying, sobbing like her heart was broken.
Tally aimed and fired.
Falcon could suddenly see everything about this girl, the path of her life, and whom she would love. Whom she was meant to be with. As soon as Tally’s bullet hit her, it splintered in half. Those branches that had grown from the tree of her heart withered and died; new branches erupted and bloomed. The new leaves were brighter, more vibrant than the old ones representing the man she was supposed to be with, the one who’d made her cry. His branches withered, died, and the soil of his heart went fallow.
How to Seduce an Angel in 10 Days Page 13
