by Samie Sands
“Be careful when out in public, it can be dangerous.”
The instructions are plastered everywhere—on television constantly, on billboards, online—it would be impossible not to know what’s happening now. Despite this, I still can’t see how they’re going to pull it all off. There are sick people out everywhere that haven’t gone to the hospital. People aren’t reporting every sniff and moment of tiredness like they’re supposed to. I guess like everything bad, people never think it’ll happen to them. I’ve heard the hotlines set up to report the virus are a constant stream of prank calls—so that backfired badly. I don’t think everyone in this office realises that people see this as a joke, an annoyance. Maybe if the others spent as much time on social media as I do, they would know this. There has to be a reason they’re all turning a blind eye.
I want to stand up and yell at everyone. I want to scream ‘where’s the proof?’ but I don’t. I wish I could pluck up the courage to ask why they’re so convinced by the few silly video clips that have been circulated. I want to tell them that even if they are so quick to believe, then why haven’t they noticed none of them are based in the UK? I want to say ‘what if the virus is real, but it hasn’t reached here yet?’ What if we go through the quarantine just to suffer through the infection afterwards? I want to ask them all why none of the ‘experts’ that have been featured on the news have mentioned an answer—a cure, an antidote, anything. Surely that would be the real key to our freedom.
Instead I stay silent, wondering if I’m being a coward. I wanted to avoid that so much, yet I fear that’s what I’ve become.
Was I always a coward? I don’t really know. I’ve never encountered a situation that’s required me to be brave before. I’ve always led a quiet, straightforward life. I was popular enough never to encounter any meanness in school, I sailed through my education without much hassle, I’ve never been required to do anything difficult at work, I’ve never had to deal with loss or heartbreak. All in all, I’ve had a very lucky—but also, now I’m looking back, pretty boring—life. Maybe if I’d suffered more hardships, I’d be more equipped to deal with all of this right now. Maybe if I’d been through disappointment, resentment, pain, then I’d know the best course of action to take.
***
And then, the day before the Lockdown comes around. If I’d expected something to happen, if I thought I’d find some inner strength to do what needs to be done, then I was wrong. I’m still exactly the same old me. Since the beginning of this, I’ve allowed this to snowball because I haven’t done anything to stop it. That quality—if I can call it that—hasn’t changed.
I sit in the morning meeting, shame washing all over me. There’s no time now, it’s too late. Or is that just another excuse? Either way I know for a fact that I’m not going to challenge anything.
“Okay everyone…” Jamie smiles far too brightly as he talks. “Tomorrow is the day. You’ll need to get your bags packed tonight and be here bright and early in the morning. You’ve already seen the beds we’ve set up in the canteen—I know it isn’t ideal, but it’s all for a good cause.” He pauses for a second, almost as if he’s expecting laughter. “We’ll be here for a fortnight at most, so we have the facilities for that length of time. I don’t think I need to discuss respect and boundaries with you all while we’re here—we’re all adults, after all.” He indicates round the room to us all. I see a lot of glances exchanged between the others. “So, any questions?”
Everyone’s hand seems to rise at the same time and questions fire out from every direction. I slowly tune everyone out and my thoughts return to my family. I make a snap decision that as soon as all of this is over, I’m going to take some holiday and go see them—whether I’m wanted or not. It suddenly feels like the last six months since I’ve visited have been forever. I would give anything right now to see their friendly faces…
***
I let out a high sigh as I walk through the door of my flat that evening. I glance around at all of my belongings, wondering when I’ll see them again. Then it hits me these things aren’t vital. I’ve never been particularly materialistic, but now is the very time to push these thoughts out of my brain forever. Now is the time to focus on exactly what’s important.
I pick up the phone and quickly dial my mum’s number. I want to talk to her without the tension we had before. I want to go into this quarantine on good terms with everyone. As I listen to her chatter away, I can’t help but smile. Normally I’d be hurrying her along; too busy to listen. Usually I’d spend most of the conversation moaning about my silly problems. I guess I can add selfish to the list of faults I’m now realising. Once all of this is over, that’s something I’ll definitely address.
After we hang up over an hour later, I ring my cousin Ethan, without even considering it. He doesn’t live too far from my parents, so maybe after I’ve visited them, I’ll go to see him too. We were always close as kids—he’s a similar age to me, so I was closer to him than my brother—but as we grew up, we sort of drifted apart.
Okay, in the spirit of being honest, I stopped hanging out with him. He was always a little weird—he’d get really obsessed with things, like germs and cleaning. This was always there, but it became increasingly noticeable as he hit puberty. When we reached high school, my new friends thought he was geeky and mocked him constantly. I should have stood up for him, but I didn’t. I should have supported him in what I can clearly see now was a difficult time for him, but again I thought only of myself. Even as adults, it’s been difficult to get our relationship back after that.
I’m over the moon to hear how well his life is going. He has a great job and a fiancée. I can’t believe the person I used to spend every moment of my days with has been engaged for months and I haven’t even met her. Emotion rolls over me and tears stream down my cheeks.
“I’ll come and see you soon!” I promise.
“Sure, okay,” he says sullenly. I don’t know why, but it feels like he’s saying goodbye to me forever. I want to reassure him, to tell him it’s all going to be all right, but I wouldn’t know where to begin. Plus, he’s already hung up anyway.
Although, deep, deep down, in the place where I hide all my secrets and problems I don’t want to face, I know that’s not what I believe at all. The hollow feeling in my chest tells me I kind of think that tomorrow really is the end of everything. Maybe not the end for everyone—more just for me. Maybe this feeling is all to do with the fact that after tomorrow, my life is going to be in tatters and no one will want to know me anymore.
Just before I head to bed I realise I haven’t yet packed my suitcase for the Lockdown. I grab a few things haphazardly and toss them into a bag. “It’s only going to be for a few days,” I murmur. If I convince myself that as soon as everyone is inside, they’ll realise what a mistake they’ve made and let everyone out again, I might just survive this without going insane.
So, with that in mind, it really doesn’t matter what I take with me. I don’t even care what I’ll look like when I’m there. I just grab the first clothes I find and a couple of books. It isn’t exactly like I’m going to worry about impressing my co-workers. Not even Jake.
I’m quite pleased with my casual attitude as I lay in bed. I feel like by taking such a slack attitude towards it all, I’m doing something positive. But then, just as I’m about to drift off, I jump up with my heart pounding. My hair straighteners! I need to pack those; I won’t be able to last without them…
No, it doesn’t matter. I can cope for a few bloody days without worrying about my hair. But as I try to resettle, I’m suddenly not as comfortable or tired. I know what’s bothering me, but I refuse to give in. I’m just going to squeeze my eyes shut and rest…
But after fifteen minutes of tossing and turning, I surrender. Maybe this whole casual attitude towards packing is stupid. I get out of bed and empty my suitcase and start again, beginning with those damn hair straighteners.
CHAPTER
TWELV
E
I huff as I toss my case onto my tiny temporary bed. Despite the fact that I’m certain this won’t be for very long, I still feel disheartened. If I’m not impressed, I can just imagine how pissed off everyone else is about having to live in such cramped conditions with absolutely no real privacy for a fortnight. I know we all go out for drinks occasionally after work, but we aren’t really close. Not close enough to get through this without tensions running high, at any rate.
This is going to suck.
I wander into the corridor and spot Jake almost immediately. He’s staring down at his phone, giving me a bit of time to really drink in his appearance. He looks different…ill almost. I chuckle to myself, wondering how long he’s avoided going to the doctor, just in case. I’m a little surprised Jamie hasn’t sent him—seeing as how involved in this virus he is.
I almost walk over to talk to him, but think better of it at the last minute. I’ve avoided him for such a long time now, there’s no way I can speak to him without it being a little awkward. So much has changed since we kissed; it’s almost as if it never happened. I guess it’ll just turn into one of those things that neither of us mentions ever again.
I expect the work day to have a different feel about it, but actually everyone seems to carry on as normal—taking it all in their stride. Even I start to feel a little more relaxed. Until lunch time, that is.
The chairs that are normally spread over the canteen are cramped over by the windows. While everyone else spreads around the room, I choose to sit there and look at the outside world. I can only see a little bit of one of the main streets, but even from here I can see a number of people wandering around as if the Lockdown wasn’t happening.
“Typical,” I mutter, supposedly to myself, but I obviously say it louder than I intended, because everyone turns to look at me. Instead of shutting up, for once I actually speak out. “I just knew the Lockdown wasn’t going to work. We’re obviously the only ones following it, just look outside. Oh, there’s even a woman with a pram and a toddler—she’s so unconcerned she has her children out with her!”
Everyone rushes over to see what I’m talking about, and a massive debate breaks out. It seems that one of the most vital pieces of information—the time the Lockdown begins—has not been clarified. Some people are saying it’s six p.m., some are saying midnight. I was under the impression it had already happened, but then again, I haven’t exactly been giving it my full attention.
As far as I’m concerned, this highlights the biggest issue. Sure, the virus stuff is all rubbish, but what’s worse is the way it’s been handled. It’s all been steamrolled far too quickly with too many changes and not enough information. It’s almost been done in a panic, and it seems as if they’ve gone to the final extreme measures without taking the small steps first. There have been too many mistakes in the past with health scares and the way this is going, it’ll end up the biggest one yet.
A rage builds up inside of me, growing increasingly as people talk around me. Everything I’ve been thinking bubbles to the surface to the point where it feels like my chest is going to explode. If I don’t speak now, I think I’ll self-combust.
I push past everyone and storm into Jamie’s office, allowing the red mist to consume me. “This is just—” I start, not really knowing where I’m going with this. “I just—I don’t know what to say, Jamie. There’s so much wrong with all of this. You must be able to see that…” I’m panting, practically breathless, and I haven’t even really said anything yet!
Just as I feel myself about to go into a full rant, Jamie interrupts me. “You need to remember, Leah, that we’re only in charge of relaying the information. The plans aren’t mine. I know it’s difficult when things aren’t clear, but you have to remember, this is going to save lives. No matter what happens, if you keep that in mind then the rest won’t bother you as much.”
I roll my eyes at his ridiculous words. I just can’t even start to tolerate Jamie’s weird belief in zombies today, so I just turn and walk out without saying another word.
***
As the day turns into evening, I can’t help but notice there are still people outside. I seethe under the surface, but remain stoic for the purposes of everyone else. The others all slowly finish their work and wander off to the canteen for the first night of the Lockdown, laughing and chattering as they go. They seem to be in high spirits for now, but I know that won’t last forever.
I stay at my desk, my head resting in my hands, not ready to face the night just yet. I just want a moment to myself. I don’t actually move until a voice forces me to.
“Hey.” Michelle sits down next to me, a lit cigarette in her hand. Before I can say anything about this, she laughs loudly. “If we aren’t allowed outside they can hardly keep up the smoking ban, can they?”
I smile weakly as a reply. I know she’s trying to cheer me up, but I feel like I’m too far gone for that.
“Don’t leave without me.” She leans in closer, her expression now deadly serious. “I know you want to go. I can see it in your face. If you do, I’ll go with you.”
I screw my face up in confusion. Sure, I was thinking about leaving afterwards, but I hadn’t really considered going now. I mean, is that even possible? It’ll have to be a proper fugitive-style breakout if we do. Plus, with the Lockdown, it’ll be impossible to be discreet. I stare at her, waiting for her to laugh and tell me she’s joking, but she doesn’t.
“I haven’t…” I start, but somehow can’t quite finish the sentence. There might be a time when I do want to leave. Who knows what’s going to happen whilst we’re here—something might crop up that makes getting the hell out of this place more important than keeping my job. Instead of vocalising all of the arguments spinning around in my brain, I gulp, nod, and shrug all at the same time.
“Come on.” She stands up, tugging on my arm. “Let’s find somewhere to drink this.” She pulls a small bottle of vodka out of her pocket. “Let’s get away from the others—they’re all driving me mental!” I’m sure this last part is more for me than her, for which I’m extremely grateful.
We sneak out to the small smoking area outside—a place Michelle could have easily had her cigarette; clearly that was a mini-protest of sorts. Jamie can’t be angry at us coming here. It’s still behind the walls, so technically we’re still at work, but it feels a little like we have some freedom too. Luckily none of the others have had the same idea as us, allowing us the privacy I desire so badly.
We spend the rest of the evening growing increasingly tipsy on screwdrivers—which seem to get stronger as the night wears on. As I start to feel a little drunk, Michelle brings up the prospect of leaving once more. This time the conversation is more lighthearted. She talks about the epic escape and what she wants to do when she’s finally free, as if she’s been locked up for years. I don’t know if it’s the effects of the alcohol, or if something has been unlocked from deep inside of me, but even as I laugh at Michelle, I can’t help but think that leaving is a good idea.
Even as I drink, I know I’m going to regret the alcohol tomorrow, but right here in this moment, it feels so good to laugh and joke with the one person I know will be there for me no matter what. Even if everyone else blames me and hates me, I know she doesn’t. She might be the only friend I have left at the end of this, but at least she’s a good one! I do love Michelle.
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
The next morning is simply awful. If I wasn’t already here, I’d definitely be phoning in sick. This hangover is intense—my head is throbbing, I feel nauseated, and my throat is unbearably dry. It doesn’t help that I couldn’t sleep very well, surrounded by so many other people, so I’m exhausted too. It just felt a little…weird.
To make it worse, Jamie is being unnecessarily over the top today, insisting that we need to work harder than ever to ensure the Lockdown all goes according to plan. I think he’s a little gutted that things were so confusing and rocky yesterday—altho
ugh how he could be expecting anything else, I’m not sure.
Before heading over to my desk, I quickly scan my eyes through the window. I don’t instantly see people outside, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. We’re in an awkward position here, not knowing anything that’s going on.
The enthusiasm from everyone else is not evident today. Everyone seems to be working on autopilot, whilst desperately sipping hot drinks as if their lives depend on the caffeine. Gone are the smart, pristine suits that you normally see in this office. Instead, there are a lot of sweatpants and hoodies. Some of the girls haven’t even bothered with makeup—myself included. It’s like an extreme version of Casual Friday.
I half wonder if Michelle and I aren’t the only ones with hangovers. It makes sense that she wouldn’t have been the only one to bring booze with her. In fact, the only person who doesn’t look like his bad mood and ill feeling has come from a late night of drinking and fun is Jake. He looks truly terrible.
I start with all of the usual social media checks, expecting to find all of the usual nonsense—maybe with a few complaints about the Lockdown thrown in for good measure. Instead I’m faced with links to what the national newspapers are saying. It only takes a couple of clicks to realise this is bad news for us.
‘Biggest Disaster in UK History’
‘What Was This Supposed To Achieve?’
‘Has No One Heard Of AM13?’
The headlines all scream out at me, each one sending a stab of guilt into my heart. I know this isn’t really, totally my fault—I may have set this thing in motion, but I never made any of the decisions. Still, I can’t stop the weight of responsibility from resting heavily on my shoulders.
This is just the beginning. Soon, the complaints about wasted taxes will be raised. Then, the questions will come about where this came from and how it came to be this giant nightmare. It’ll all close in on me, I can feel it. I’m on the brink of becoming Britain’s most hated woman. I’m going to have to move to another country.
