by Pat Dowd
Cheating you might say? What the heck, under the Joe disguise he really was Jesus so he was bound to fudge on the work ethic thing. After all he needed to get rid of the sandals quickly so he could go out on the preaching circuit before the weather got too bad in the winter. Summer was around the corner and he needed to step up the sales of his footwear so he could get on down the road and do other things. He decided to try a little bigger town on the next stop so he went to a town with about fifteen thousand people in it. They had bigger stores and Joe figured he could sell more sandals there. He scoped out the town in the morning and then decided on a rather large independent type department store that was right at the end of town. He did his usual spiel to the owner then flipped his brown eyes out when the man was distracted for a moment and worked the “Jubie Shuffle” on the poor unsuspecting guy. He crumbled just like the rest of them but this time the guy bought all the remaining stock that Joe had on hand. The man paid Joe cash right on the spot. With this Joe knew he was going to be on his way to his preaching ways which would not only bring him some good money but increase interest in his ministry all around so it would be easier and easier to make money and advance his cause.
He gassed up the car and headed out to the bowling alley at the edge of town so he could grab a hot dog and a couple of beers to prime him for the long trip ahead. When he arrived he put his personal things in the trunk of the car and went inside. It was not a big bowling alley as far as allies go. It only had twelve lanes, a pool table, and a shuffleboard table over on the side by the wall and a bar that maybe sat fifteen people across the front. Jesus was still going to use his Joe disguise while he was in here, promising to himself that he was only going to use his blue eyes in here and not try to cheat or anything else that would bring unwanted attention to himself. He went over to the juke box and put a dollar into it. You could get five songs for a dollar. He picked out, Jesus Is Our Buddy, God Is Still The One, Jesus Was A Cross Dresser, The Devil Has No Fire Extinguisher, and everyone’s favorite, The Nun Found Her Some Batteries.
Joe went up to the bar and ordered a hot dog with chili, onions, jalapenos and some cheddar cheese melted on top. To go with it he ordered a bottle of cold beer. Afterwards he wandered over to where a few people were shooting pool and asked if he could join in. “Sure” they said, “There were only three of us so now that you joined in we can play partners” one man said to him. Joe agreed to the game and began to chalk up his stick and get ready to play. He had played this game a long time ago but figured it was just like ridding a bike, after a few minutes you just get the hang of it or you end up crashing a lot. He did alright holding his own using only his blue eyes so as to not bring any unwanted attention to himself. He brought another pitcher of beer for the guys and then settled in and played a half dozen or so games. He was catching a pretty good buzz from all the beer and decided he best put his stick up and get on down the road before he got too drunk to drive. He thanked the guys for letting him play with them and then went out to the car. Joe was not used to drinking so much during the day like that. It made him tired and he had a long way to go to reach the next town where he could get a room and spend the night. He opened the car and climbed into the back seat and took a nap for about an hour and a half. When he was refreshed and rested up he went back into the bowling alley and got a cup of coffee to go and then went back to the car.
The keys weren’t there! He started grabbing at all his pockets and then desperately looking in the back seat of the car where he was sleeping just a while ago but they were not there. He was panicking and broke out into a sweat, “Think” he said to himself, “Where could I have put them?” He paced back and forth next to the car trying to think and then thought why not look in the trunk of the car? Sure enough when he got to the back of the car, there they were hanging out of the lock on the trunk. He turned the key and opened the trunk but there was nothing in there to see. He almost fainted, someone had come along and stole all his stuff, his suitcase with all the checks and money that he has collected from the sale of the sandals was gone. What was he going to do, what was he going to tell his father, his friends and the people that were counting on him? He felt his heart sinking in his chest as he fell to his knees and cried like a jilted teenage girl after a breakup. He finally got his act together somewhat and closed the trunk of the car, took the keys and went and sat in the driver’s seat. He figured he would go to the next town like he planned and get a room and think it all out.
He had a gas credit card and eighteen dollars in his pocket. The gas credit card was not good at all stations so he had to be careful how he used it. He made it to the motel in the next town just as dark settled in for the night. He decided to just chill and watch a little TV for a while before he went to bed. The next morning he decided to go back to the factory in New Jersey where he took one last look around before turning and walking away. He had never been so depressed even when he was back there in that cave that time trying to push the rock away from the entrance with his feet and hands being so sore from being nailed to the cross just a few days before that. Even still that day he knew that if he could just grin and bear it until he moved the rock out of the way that he would be able to come out and float up in the air back up to heaven where he could get some medical help for his wounds. Looking back he thought, “Why did they have to nail me to the cross anyway? After all there were some other bad guys being hung up on crosses that day and all they had to do to put them up there was to tie them up with a few lengths of rope? That did not seem fair to me because after all I was the only one that had to end up pushing a giant rock to get out of a cave. Oh well, life is not fair they say.”
Jesus had originally auctioned off the things he had left over from the last supper to finance his sandal factory. He had nothing left from that venture and now was worried how he was going to get along without any money to finance his preaching tour at the end of the summer. All he had left was a used car with eighty five thousand miles on it, besides, he was not allowed to take the car up to heaven anyway because cars were so heavy they tended to fall through the clouds and could crash down and hurt or kill someone below. The only thing he knew to do now was to go back to heaven and chill out for a while until he could come up with a new plan to get back to his preaching tour that he felt the most comfortable with.
He figured if he waited until dark it would be his best bet to get back to heaven without someone seeing him. Tonight he was fortunate that there were no moon glowing and it was a little cloudy out there. He went and got his white robe on, his sandals, skipped the crown of thorns because it was dark enough so as nobody would notice, and got ready to float up. He had to be careful not to let his dad see him because he did not want to be grilled for the next two hours on how he blew it and made such a mess of things. At the last minute he decided to discard the white robe and headed off to the local thrift store to look around for some dark clothes to wear so he would not be seen floating his way up to heaven. Usually he would be expected to float up in his white robe, but tonight he did not want to be seen at all. He just wanted to get to heaven, go to his apartment and hide out until he could find something positive to say to his dad. At least the dark clothes would give him a fighting chance to make it undetected. He decided to go for it. He was careful to check for airplanes because one of the apostles got hit by a plane just a few days ago. He was talking to someone just before he floated up and was not paying attention. The propeller broke his leg and made him drop his cross down into the forest somewhere. It was not found as far as I know. Jesus was a lot luckier and made it without too much trouble. He almost hit an owl on the way up but heard it flying around and was able to duck around it and make it all the way up. If he could avoid his dad for a few days so he could think about it, he was sure he could find a way to raise some money to get back on his preaching tour perhaps before it was too late in the year, after all, he was Jesus, “The Miracle Guy.”
The End
Lucky Girl
She was just an ordinary girl before a series of accidents changed her life and nobody much noticed her. She was not unattractive but she downplayed her appearance because of an inner shyness that she had from her youth. She was kind of shy in school and some of the students picked on her and called her names. She came from a family that was very low income and her clothes came from thrift stores on bargain days. She wore used shoes and her school supplies consisted of what she could find that was either thrown away or could get from a teacher that felt sorry for her and would slip her some paper and pencils now and then. It was hard for her to make friends. He parents would not let her bring anyone over to the apartment because they were too busy fighting and had serious substance abuse problems. She was only allowed to meet her friends in the park down the block and then it was only good during the decent weather when kids would come down to the park and play. It wasn’t much of a park for kids, it just had benches along the sidewalks that meandered through the park and a gazebo in the middle. No playground equipment for the kids to play on, that kind of thing was only in the more affluent parts of the city where money was more available for that kind of thing.
Well, her name was Candice and while having a happy kind of name, she was not in reality very happy in her everyday life. She wondered what it would be like to be one of those girls that had nice clothes, went on vacations in the summer and during Christmas and spring breaks so she could come back and tell everyone how much fun she had. When it was her turn to tell the class what she did during the summer, she would say, “I played in the park” and then the hush along with the “Let’s move on to the next person cloud” would pop up and hang over her like a giant umbrella for all the world to see. It was hard and it hurt but there was nothing she could do about it except to get quiet and try to blend into the room and disappear. Soon that would all change and her life would never be the same again.
It all started when she met a man in the park on a gloomy afternoon. It was late in the day and soon the sun that was hiding behind the grey skies would be going away and darkness would be taking over. She knew that her mom would not want her in the park after dark but at the same time she did not want to go home and listen to the arguing and fighting that her parents did on a daily basis. What they got out of it she did not understand but it was sure to go on regardless. The man was not intimidating to her although she was a bit standoff when he first approached her. She was sitting on a bench along the sidewalk about a fourth of the way or so into the interior of the park. Because of the gloominess of the day there was no one else out in the park. The man approached her with slow quiet steps and stopped about ten feet away. He had a scarf around his neck that blocked the sides of his face and made him seem more mysterious than he would have been otherwise. It was about forty-five degrees out with a slight mist in the darkening light. He wore dark pants, a coat with an old black sweat shirt underneath and an old somewhat worn black felt fedora on his head.
“You look troubled young lady,” he said, “What can I do to help you?” She did not know this guy or had ever seen him in the park before. Since she was there nearly every day except during really bad weather, that in itself was a bit disturbing to her although she did not feel that this man was here to hurt her. “I don’t know, just stuff, you know, everyday stuff,” she said. There was a slight but noticeable pause and then the man said, “Tell me, I have been through it all so maybe I can help.” She then proceeded to tell the man about the violence and craziness at home and the insecure feelings she had at school. Sometimes at school some of the students picked on her and left her out of group activities that made her feel small and un-important. She told him that sometimes when no one was around she would sit out here in the park daydreaming that she was someone else with a different kind of life. She imagined that she had real friends and not just kids that walked by in the park and said hello only when they had to because she was right there. Sometimes when they were short a person for jump rope or hopscotch they would ask her to join in but mostly they treated her like she had something contagious and kept their distance. The man listened intently and observed every word as if they all mattered and was tumbling it all in his head where it was all being analyzed and made ready for some final solution. She went on and told him also that sometimes when no one was around she felt depressed to the point that she would sit on the bench and cry for no reason. Not out loud crying where people would hear her and notice, just silent crying where the tears would one by one slowly wander down her face along the side of her neck until dampness settled in along the collar of her blouse. Soon she would get tired of feeling sorry for herself and would wipe the tears away and then try to think of something else. If someone was heading her way along the sidewalk she was quick to wipe the tears away because she did not want the embarrassment of getting caught being a big baby. Either way she would then somehow get up the courage to go home again and face the music.
The mysterious man took a minute or so and then said, “Okay, I can help you but you have to do something for me first so you will be ready when the time comes for you to break out and become the new you.” He then told her to go home and find something small that your dad either likes or had possession of and then do the same for your mom. Make it something that they would not miss but they handled and put away themselves. Then when that is done meet me here in a few days just before sunset and I will tell you how I can help.” He told her it did not have to be anything of value, just something that they have handled a few times and that they considered it theirs and not something that was there for everyone to use.
Candice went home that evening and thought about what the man said. Should she trust this man she had never met or seen before to help her or should she just blow it off and try to avoid this guy in the future? After she ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich she went off to her room and laid on the bed in silence spending the time throwing things back and forth in her head trying to make some sense of what the man had proposed. Without warning the atmosphere in the apartment changed. There was no longer any silent contemplation, it was all out war. Her dad had come home drunk as usual and her mom was well primed with some spirits of her own which was a recipe for disaster and the ensuing long night ahead. She heard her mom jump on him for coming home late, being drunk, and generally being no good for anything. He on the other hand yelled back at her calling her nothing but a drunk street whore and then the “shit hit the fan” so to speak. He picked the lid off the coffee pot that was sitting on the counter and slung it at her mom hitting her on the left side of her forehead then bouncing off the wall before landing in the middle of the floor. It left a small cut and lump on her head but that was not going to stop her in the least. She got a big spoon and scooped up some cold mash potatoes out of a pot that had been sitting there a while and slung it at her dad hitting him in the chest spattering all over him and the floor in front of him. Then he came after her and slapped her around a bit before pushing her to the floor and then stomping off to the bedroom slamming the door behind him. Sometimes there would be round two after that kind of thing but this night they seemed to be content with just one round of fighting. That doesn’t mean that tomorrow they might fight for a couple of hours to make up for lost time. You never knew what was going to happen, you just knew it was not going to be good no matter what.
The next day after her dad went off to work and her mom was passed out in the chair in the living room she looked around to see what she could bring to the man in the park so she could find out how this man could help her. She sneaked into their bedroom and opened their top drawer to see what was in there. There was an old watch with a broken band and a cracked crystal that her mom used to wear and an old tie clasp that her dad wore way back when he use to go to church on Sundays. She took the items and put them in her pocket before she peaked out the door to make sure her mom was still slumped down in the chair before coming out of the room. Since the coast
was clear, she quietly went to her room and hid her find until she was able to meet the man in the park a few days away. Millions of things were going through her head right now and the two days went by in a flash.
Finally the day had come for her to find out what this man could do for her to possibly get out of the hell she was living. It was about twenty minutes before dark so she went to the bench where she had met the man a few days before. Only a few minutes went by and then she saw him coming down the sidewalk towards her bench with the same small steps that he approached with before. When he did arrive he asked her if she had found something of her parents that he could see and feel to get a sense of who these people really were. She reached out with the broken watch and the tie clip and handed them to the man. She briefly told the story behind the items and then stood there and waited for the man to say something in return. In each hand he held one of the items and closed his hands around them in a gentle way turning them slowly over in his hands until he opened his eyes and said to her, “Yes, I can help you have a new life, it will take a day or two before you notice anything but it is going to happen, you can be sure of that.”
The next day things seemed to be the same for the most part but there were a few things that were different. Her dad came home from work and for once he was not drunk and was not in the mood to fight with her mom. He seemed a bit subdued and just went over to the stove and lifted up a lid on the pot that was there. Her mom came into the room ready to engage in some sort of combat but came short of saying anything that would get her dad started. “Is that soup that you got there?” he said cautiously, “Can I have some?” Her mom went over to the cabinet and got a bowl out and was filling it with the soup that was on the stove. Her dad in the mean time went over and sat at the table. He said a quick thanks to his wife as she put the soup down and slowly picked up the spoon blowing on the soup before putting it in his mouth. “Good” he said as he labored through the rest of the soup in front of him. Now and then he would put the spoon down leaning on the edge of the bowl and rub his chest with his right hand and then would pick up the spoon again and continue eating. It was different, not his usual was of acting. She thought he was maybe wore out and taking a night off from fighting in order to build up enough strength for the next day’s combat. When he finished up he said goodnight and then went to bed.
