by Love, K. J.
She didn’t let me finish. She leaned in and whispered into my ear.
“I’m sure Blake. I’m more than sure.”
She starts to kiss my neck. Honestly, I can't - and don't - even want to pretend to want to stop this. Closing my eyes, I stand up with her in my arms. Her words were still ringing in my head. Walking over to the stereo, I turn it up before I head down the hall. Opening the door to the spare bedroom, that I stay in when I come to visit Scott, I gently lay her on the bed and slide in beside her.
“Blake.”
She whispers my name just before I begin to kiss her lips and make my way to her neck.
“Kayla.” As I whisper her name back to her, even I hear the need in my voice. From the moment, I saw her, I wondered what it would be like. Then when I first kissed her, I wondered how much better it would be. Now, in this moment, as I slowly pull her shirt off, I know there would have been no way I would have been able to even picture it being this good.
Her hands move to the hem of my shirt. As she's pushing my shirt up, she's running her hands lightly on my skin and I'm done for.
Somehow things moved quickly and slowly at the same time, but one thing was for sure. It will never be like this again. I'll never feel this complete or whole again. Now more than ever, as we come apart together, I know she's it for me. But even though I know that, I know she's not ready to hear it.
As we express our intense connection in the most intimate of ways, I wonder, for a moment, what it'd be like to fall asleep with her now, skin to skin, heart to rapidly beating heart. Sadly, I know we can't do that, but what a thought it was.
We lay here together, holding each other trying to catch our breath. I don’t think any moment in my life will ever be better than this moment with her. The sound of the radio floats into the room and it’s calming and peaceful.
Kayla breaks the silence. “I love this song.”
I listen carefully. Anything she loves I need to know about. I know this song and I think it’s perfect for this moment. When I’m With You by Sheriff is playing. I start to softly sing along with the song in her ear.
“Maybe it's the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun. Maybe it's the way you smile, I come all undone. Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I'm with you.” She giggles at me and I smile against her neck. This girl completes my life. I can’t ever let her go.
Chapter 12Kayla
I’ve never felt so satisfied. I’m relaxed because being in Blake’s arms feels so right. He’s so sweet and tender. I could lay here forever. I’ve never even thought of doing something like this. As I lay here and think of the ramifications of what we have done, I wonder if I should have given in to my desire. Blake didn’t pressure me. In fact, he tried to stop it more than once.
I was raised to believe this is something that is only shared between a husband and wife. I do believe that with all of my heart. This isn’t something a nice girl raised in the south is supposed to do. I’m feeling a little panicked at the moment. I know this is what I wanted, however I can’t help, but feel it was wrong.
“Don’t overthink this Kayla. I can see that your brain is working in overdrive. Don’t ruin this. That was the most perfect moment of my life. I’m falling for you Kayla and I can’t even imagine ever letting you go. So stop, just stop. Please. It’s okay, baby.”
He kisses my neck again and pulls me to his side. I lay my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. His breathing is much calmer now and he lets out a content sigh. Closing my eyes, I feel myself slowly sinking back into him. It would be amazing to just sleep right here all night. However, I know that can't happen because I have to be back to Tessa's mom's soon.
“I’d like to take you to lunch tomorrow. Can I pick you up at one o’clock? I’d say earlier, although I’m sure you’ll want to get some sleep.”
“Hmm. I guess that’ll be alright. I mean I don’t think Tessa will mind.”
I’m not sure how Tessa is going to react to this news. This is so out of character for me. It’s not how I was brought up. Actually, I worry that I've lost my mind. Or maybe under some kind of crazy spell. When I'm around Blake, all rational thought seems to be lost, never to be found again… Until I'm alone, I think to myself.
“Good. I wish I could spend every minute of the day with you.”
This man is so sweet. I don’t even see the guy that everyone talks about. All I see is the man that is kind, considerate, caring, and protective. I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen for him in just the couple of days I’ve known him. No one has ever made me feel the way he just did. I didn’t know it could be like that. It was the way I’ve always read about in my romance novels. It was, for lack of better words, magical. How could that ever be topped?
“Me too, Blake. I hate to say it, but I should probably get back.” I kiss him on his cheek and move to sit up. He pulls me back down on top of him and hugs me.
“You amaze me. I never knew I could feel this way about another person. You’ve awakened something in me that I didn’t even know was there and now that I know it exists. I don’t ever want to lose it.”
I take in a shaky breath. What am I supposed to say to that? I decide it is best not to say anything right now. Instead, I climb off of the bed, quickly getting dressed. Blake does the same, but stops, pulling me into a hug.
Wrapping my arms around his back, I lay my head on his chest with my ear over his heart listening to the strong steady beat. My breathing now matching his makes it feel as if we are one. It scares me that I can have such intense, crazy feelings for someone I barely know, however at this moment I feel a peace I’ve never felt before. He releases me grabbing his shoes, sitting on the edge of the bed and slipping them on. I watch in awe of this man and what he can make me feel. Getting up, he looks down at me and smiles sweetly.
“You ready?”
No, it’s too soon. I don’t want to leave you. Is what I want to say, however, I answer simply with a, “Yes.”
Leaving the apartment, we make it to his truck where he helps me in, then goes around to get in. Starting the truck he looks at me, his eyes full of kindness and longing. Smiling at me he reaches for my hand, he takes it in his, then continues to hold it for the whole ride back.
He pulls to the side of the street down from Tessa’s moms and turns the truck off. “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to walk you back to the house.”
I can’t let him do that. What if someone sees him? “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Blake.”
“Kayla. It is three in the morning. I’m not letting you walk back in the dark by yourself. I’m going to make sure you get back in safely.”
Well, I can’t say no to that. “Okay then.”
As we walk back to the house he pulls me to his side and I lay my head on his shoulder. When we get to the window, Blake looks at me. I know what he’s thinking.
“Yes, that’s the window I crawled out of and now I’m going to crawl back in.”
He laughs. “I’ll help you then.”
He gets down on his knees and raises the window. He leans in and looks into the bathroom.
“Looks like Tessa gave you a nice soft place to fall.”
I kneel on the ground beside him and lean in the window. I start giggling, but quickly stop so I don’t wake anyone up.
“Thank goodness. Maybe I won’t get hurt after all.” I think he knows I’m talking about more than just falling into the window. Looking into his eyes, I give him a sad smile.
“I’d never hurt you, Kayla.”
I believe that he would never hurt me on purpose. I knew going into this that someone was going to get hurt no matter how it all turned out. Will I hurt him in the end? He leans over and kisses me.
“Tonight was very special to me. Please don’t think any different.”
“I know. It was for me too.”
He smiles at me and I just melt. He’s wearing jeans and a tight white t-shirt. I’ve always believed that a white
t-shirt is one of the sexiest things a guy can wear, seeing Blake and the way he looks in it, completely confirms that belief for me.
“Let’s get you inside so you can get some rest. I’ll be here around one o’clock to take you to lunch.”
Nodding, I crawl over to the window. Taking off my flip flops, I turn and lay on my stomach, putting my feet through the window. Blake takes my shoes and throws them on the bathroom floor. He holds onto my hands and I gently slide down. He lies on his stomach facing me and kisses me and I kiss him back.
The butterflies are still there. My heart races just as strongly as it did the first time he spoke to me. He has come to mean so much to me in the last couple of days. I sigh, because I wish it could last longer. I wish everything could be different for us.
I make the final drop into the bathroom and blow him a kiss as he lowers the window. He blows one back to me and gives me that cocky grin and raises his eyebrows up and down. All I can do is shake my head. He really is cocky, but for every ounce of cocky he is, he is just as much a gentleman or at least to me he is. I watch him leave until I can’t see his feet anymore.
My chest aches to have him back with me. Picking up the pillows and blankets, I make my way back upstairs to Tessa’s room. I can’t wait to talk to her about my night. We will need to have one of our talks, to help me figure out what I should do next.
Jolting awake, it’s still dark in the room and Tessa is still asleep. Breathing hard as if I've had this terrible dream, but can't remember. Resting my head back on my pillow, wondering what woke me up. Then I think about being with Blake only a few hours ago. What have I done? I start to panic. What does he think of me now? What do I think of myself?
The guilt is overwhelming. I just went against everything I have ever been taught. I just gave myself to someone that I don’t even know. How could I have done that? What makes it even worse is I’m technically still engaged. How could I have let myself get so carried away? I’ve only been with one other person in my life and I promised to marry him. What I did was wrong, no matter how I look it.
This is my fault, all of it. Blake tried to stop it. He didn’t pressure me. It was completely my decision and at the time I made it, it was exactly what I wanted, but now that my head is clear and I can think, the guilt is so bad I can’t breathe.
I promised Blake a week, but I can’t give him that. I can’t see him again. At least not until I have broken off things in person with David. Oh no, he’s supposed to be here to pick me up for lunch at one. With the fear of falling back under his spell looming, I know I can't see him again. My only option is to send Tessa out to tell him that I can't see him anymore. He'll give up. Blake won't want to deal with all this. Considering what happened last night, I'm sure he'll just go and find someone else. Someone less complicated than me. It’s not like we have some kind of relationship. Besides, how can I face him after sleeping with him so quickly? He probably thinks I do this all the time, that I’m that type of girl. I rub my hands down my face.
What we shared was so wonderful and now all I can see is my shame. This is just too much for me to deal with. I lay awake and pray for the sun to come up and for God’s forgiveness for making such a bad decision. No matter how I look at it, I made a bad choice. In a single decision, I made my life so much more complicated than it was. Not because of Blake, but because of me and the fact that I obviously have no control over myself and my thoughts when I'm near him.
The sun finally breaks through the blinds and Tessa wakes up. I’ve gotten basically no sleep. I hate that I’m feeling this way. I hate that my mind has turned something that was special last night into something that I’m feeling terrible about now. I need my best friend to help me figure this out.
“Good morning. What time did you get home?” She asks.
I can’t help it the tears that I have been shedding in silence all night flood my eyes and sobs take over. Tessa is on my bed in an instant.
“What’s wrong Kayla? Did he hurt you?”
“No.” I look up at her and shake my head no over and over. “He didn’t do anything wrong. I did things I shouldn’t have done. I made decisions that I shouldn’t have. I’ve messed everything up. Tessa, what am I going to do? I can’t see him anymore. It’s just wrong, no matter how much I want to be with him I can’t see him. He’s going to be here at one o’clock to pick me up to take me to lunch. You have to go out there and tell him I can’t see him.”
“Kayla, tell me exactly what happened.”
She is sitting right next to me and I am resting my head on her shoulder. She is running her hand up and down my arm in a comforting way. I tell her everything. Even, how it was more me than him that wanted more last night. I told her about me waking up and the guilt that is killing me. My grandmother would be so disappointed in me. This is not the way she raised me to be. I don’t even want to think about it. Tessa listens to everything and is just watching me with love and concern in her eyes.
“Quit beating yourself up Kayla. We all do things that we shouldn’t at one time or another, but sweetie it sounds like this was something you really wanted and it was special for both of you. Do you really think that Blake is just going to walk away without you talking to him and giving him an explanation?”
“I can’t see him. I’m just too embarrassed. If he is like every other guy, he will walk away without any problem.”
She presses her lips together and sits quietly before she speaks. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do, but I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as you think it is. As far as you, being engaged, I’m pretty sure that’s shot to hell now. Besides, you’re ending that. Like I said before, Blake strikes me as a guy who always gets what he wants and doesn’t give up until he does. And now more than ever I’m sure you are who he wants.”
“Thank you. This is what I need you to do. I just can’t see him. Please tell him I’m so sorry. Tell him I hope I see him again one day. Tell him that last night was special to me, but I just can’t see him again.”
The thought of the look on his face when Tessa tells him this, is breaking my heart even more. I’m sure he already thinks badly of me and will probably even hate me after this.
“Kayla, I think you are making a huge mistake. I think you need to talk to him. You might even feel better if you do.”
Climbing off the bed to go shower, all I want to do is crawl back in bed and go to sleep. My tears start to fall again as I turn to her. I look down because I can’t look her in the eye. She is my best friend, the one who has always been there for me. I can’t bear to see the disappointment in her eyes.
“I’ve already made huge mistakes. I’ve hurt myself. I’m going to hurt David without a doubt and as soon as you tell Blake I won’t see him, I will have hurt him too. My life is a disaster at the moment. But I can’t keep making the wrong decisions thinking that I’ll come up with the right outcome. I hate putting you in this position, but if I go out and see him I won’t be able to go through with it.” I turn and go get in the shower. I hear Tessa right before I close the door.
“I’ll always be here for you.” She says.
After my shower, I dress in some comfortable shorts and t-shirt. Deciding to dry my hair, even though I'm not going anywhere, I just don't want the bed to get wet when I lay down. Tessa must be downstairs. Once I’m finished, I go lie down and pray that sleep will find me. I’m exhausted.
Chapter 13Blake
I’ve been waiting impatiently all day for it to be one o’clock. The anticipation of seeing Kayla is sweet torture. Last night keeps playing over in my head like a movie on repeat. Every word we said, everything we did, me singing to her. I hope we can spend the whole day together. My plan is to take her to lunch and maybe ride out to the lake. It’s going to be an amazing day and I can’t wait to get it started.
It feels different driving up into the driveway this time. It is a good feeling not to have to hide. This time I'm picking her up for a real date. No more hiding, for either
of us. Kayla belongs with me and I’m going to make sure she always is no matter what.
It’ll be hard with the distance between us when she goes back home. But I made some decisions last night, I just have to share them with Kayla. I’m hoping that as soon as she graduates, she will agree to move here. There was no other option for me, I have to be close to her. Unfortunately, I don't have a place of my own yet. Honestly, I've never felt the need for it. But I do now, it will be the first thing on my agenda. My primary goal is to give us a place to live.
Before I’m able to get out of the truck I see Tessa standing in the yard like she is waiting on me. I wonder what’s wrong. Is Kayla sick? Did something happen to her? My body is on high alert. Something isn’t right. I can feel it. Tessa walks up to the truck and doesn’t let me get out.
“Hi, I’m here to pick up Kayla. I’m taking her to lunch and hoping she’ll agree to go to the lake with me.” Tessa looks at me with pity in her eyes. What the hell is going on?
“She said to tell you…” She wouldn't meet my eyes at first, fidgeting with the door of my truck before sighing and meeting my eyes. “She’s sorry but she can’t see you anymore. She said to tell you she hopes to see you again one day and that last night was special to her, but that she just can’t see you again right now.”
All the air leaves my lungs. My chest tightens causing me to bring my hand up to my heart. If the air hadn’t already left my lungs, this intense pain wouldn’t allow me to breathe anyway. My head is spinning and I’m feeling a little nauseous. The pain in my chest is unbearable. I’ve never felt this kind of pain. Confusion clouds my thoughts, I don't know what to think. My mouth keeps opening to respond to Tessa, but nothing will come out
She’s sorry? She can’t see me anymore? Last night was special to her? It couldn’t have been that special if she won’t see me today. Anger takes over me, completely consuming me. Something told me that this was going to happen, that we went too far. She wasn’t ready, but neither of us was able to stop something that felt so right. Fighting to keep myself under control, my anger gets the best of me. Grabbing my rear view mirror, I rip it from my front window, then hit my dash with my fist.
