by Love, K. J.
I can’t think. Everything is spinning. My chest hurts and I can’t breathe. I feel like everything is closing in. David is talking, but it sounds like a dull roar, I can’t even see him clearly. He kneels down in front of me.
“Kayla, baby, breathe. Oh God. Breathe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please Kayla, look at me. Take some deep breaths.”
“What the hell are you doing? Get away from her! Dad!!!”
I hear Tessa’s voice and then I hear the door behind me and I hear yelling I can’t make it all out. Everything sounds muffled
“Go!”
“No! You’ve done enough.”
Then I hear Troy. “David you need to leave. Tessa take Kayla inside.”
David leans around Troy to see me.
“I’m really sorry. I never should have brought that up.”
He’s crying and I can tell he is sorry. Tessa is holding me up. I’m not even sure when or how we made it to the door. I reach into my pocket and dig the engagement ring out, I’m now holding both rings. I place them into Tessa’s hand. “Please give these to him. Tell him I’m sorry. I’m going to go lay down.”
“I’m not telling him you’re sorry. I will, however, be happy to give these to him. I’ll be up in a minute. I’ll bring you some cold water. It’s going to be okay, sweetie.”
Turning, I walk into the house on shaky, weak legs. All I want right now is to be left alone to just curl up and die. Honestly, I thought I had buried that pain deep enough. As sad as it was to say, I tried not to think about it because it always takes me to a dark place that I can't escape. David knew what he was doing. Because I hurt him in the worst way, he lashed back at me with the one thing he knew would bring me to my knees. It worked. I'm once again broken.
I pass Lisa on my way up the stairs. She rushes over to help me make it to the room and into my bed.
“Sweetie, can I get you anything?”
“I need my medicine. It’s in my purse.” She takes my shoes and socks off. She pulls the covers up over me as I continue to cry. Lisa doesn’t know the whole story of what happened, or as far as I know she doesn’t. Tessa may have told her and Troy however, neither one of them has ever asked me about it. They are just always supportive. Lisa leaves the room and returns a few minutes later with some water and one of my Xanax.
“Here sweetie, take this. Can I get you some food or anything else?”
“No. I just want to sleep. Thank you.”
She turns out the light then turns to leaves the room. But she hasn't left the room completely, my bet is she's standing in the doorway watching me. Lisa's concerned, and I know that, I just can't bring myself to reassure her that I'm going to be okay. Because, well, honestly, I'm not sure right now that I am going to be okay. Praying that I don't sink back into the despair I survived before, because I just don't know if I have the strength this time to pull myself back out
I’ve been having panic attacks for a while now. My doctor prescribed Xanax for me to take as needed. I never take them unless I have a really bad attack. It doesn’t really help it just makes me feel emotionless. They always knock me out and I hate the way they make me feel, although, sometimes they are the only thing that helps during a bad one.
It’s hard to understand what a panic attack is, if you’ve never had one. It’s a feeling of doom, like everything is out of your control. You sense that the doom is coming and there isn’t anything you can do about it. It literally can feel like the figurative walls that are around you are closing in on you.
It’s like it’s your body’s way of telling you, you have taken on too much and it needs a release. My body aches and I’m just so tired after I have one, so that combined with the medication can knock me out for a long time. I feel as if all the life has been sucked out of me. I close my eyes and pray for peace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel someone sit on my bed. Opening my eyes, I see Tessa is sitting next to me.
“Kayla, Blake is on the phone and he really wants to talk to you.”
I’m not sure what time it is. I think I slept all of yesterday and it appears to be late afternoon. “What time is it?”
“It’s one o’clock in the afternoon. It’s Sunday, honey. You’ve been asleep for almost twenty hours. That medicine really knocked you out. We are all worried about you. Blake has already called three times. I haven’t told him anything, although I’m sure he knows something is wrong. He doesn’t understand why you’ve been asleep so long.”
I roll back over and then realize I need to use the bathroom. I get up and turn around to face Tessa. “Tell him I can’t talk right now.” I make my way toward the bathroom.
“Kayla, he’s not going to stop calling and it’s costing him money every time he calls you. You need…..”
I cut her off, looking at her as sternly as I can. “Tell. Him. I can’t talk to him.”
Making my way to the bathroom, I look at my reflection in the mirror. The girl looking back at me, looks nothing like the girl I saw last week. This girl’s eyes are hollow, there is no life in them. Her smile is gone. The joy she felt with Blake is gone.
More than ever, I long for his touch and his smile. Talking over the phone right now won't work because I wouldn't know what to say to him. It's not like he knows about my panic attacks. It’s not something I share easily and if I share that information I will also have to share the miscarriage with him. I’m not ready to let him see that broken part of me. The attacks make me feel so weak. I can’t stand to see the look on his face when he realizes I’m not worthy of him. He shouldn’t have to put up with my baggage and problems.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blake
I called Kayla yesterday to make sure they made it home safe, but Tessa told me she was already in the bed. Who goes to bed at four in the afternoon? I’ve been calling her all morning and I still haven’t gotten to speak to her. Tessa says she is still sleeping. I'm not buying it anymore. There is definitely something wrong. He’s gotten to her again. He’s manipulated her into staying with him and she’s avoiding me. This is exactly what I was afraid would happen. There’s simply not much that I can do about it if she won’t speak to me and me being two hours away from her isn’t helping the situation at all. I am sitting here yet again, waiting for her to come to the phone to talk to me.
“Blake, she said she can’t talk right now. She isn’t feeling well.”
That's basically it. She’s blowing me off. I just can't believe it. I'm a little pissed at her right now. She said that she was done with him. She said she wasn’t going to back out this time, no matter what he said to her.
“This is bull crap Tessa. I just need to talk to her. She gave into him again didn’t she? She let him manipulate her.” I’m clenching my jaw so hard that it’s causing my teeth to ache.
“It’s not my place to tell you anything. She will talk to you when she is ready.”
I bite my lip and I can feel my nostrils flare as I take air in and out of my lungs. I may need a cigarette after this! I’ve been trying to quit, but right now I need something to calm my nerves.
“You tell her to call me. She has my phone number. She can call collect so it won’t cost her anything. I need to talk to her. I just want to know that she is okay. She doesn’t even have to have a conversation with me. I so desperately want to hear her voice. If she wants me to leave her alone after that I will.”
“I’ll tell her.”
Hanging up the phone, my heart tightens. It feels like I've been waiting an eternity. Grabbing the controller, I decide to play some video games to try and take my mind off things. The fear of missing her call keeps me staying in instead of going out. If I'm out and miss her call, I worry she may not call back again.
It’s been another six hours. I’m going to try again and if she doesn’t talk to me this time, I’m just going to go out. Obviously, I can't keep doing this. I’m not going to give up; I simply can’t keep sitting here.
The phone ring
s and then I hear Tessa’s voice again.
“Hello.”
“It’s Blake. Can I speak to Kayla?” I hold my breath waiting for her response.
“I’ve been instructed to tell you that she doesn’t want to talk to you right now. She said she has your number and she will call you when she is ready to talk. I’m sorry Blake. She’s just not in a good place right now.”
Not in a good place? Why won't she open up to me? Has he done something to her? “What does that even mean? I told you I just need to hear her voice.”
“I understand, but she won’t come to the phone. You’re going to have to give her some time. She is dealing with a lot right now.”
“Is she all right? Simply tell me she is okay.”
“I don’t know how to answer that Blake. She’s not okay. Physically, she’s fine right now, but…”
She couldn't seem to finish her sentence. I run my hand into my hair and twist my neck from side to side. My anger finally getting the best of me once again.
“Tell her it was great spending time with her and I hope she is okay. I’m not going to wait around the house anymore for her to call; it’s just too hard to keep getting rejected. Tell her I hope she will change her mind and call me soon. I'm not going to call her again. If she wants to speak to me she will have to contact me.”
“Blake, just give her some time. I know she truly cares about you. She’s just working through some stuff.”
I rub the back of my neck and let out another frustrated breath. “If she’d let me, I’d help her with whatever she is going through. I told her we’d get through this together. Bye, Tessa.”
Hanging up the phone, I didn't even wait for her to respond. In an attempt to forget these past two days, I'm going to find Max and keep myself busy.
Chapter 18Kayla
We successfully made the move to the lake. I wasn’t much help, although I did force myself to carry my own stuff. Tessa and Lisa set my room up for me. I don’t know how much time has passed. I don’t even know for sure what day it is. All I know is that Tessa keeps coming and going. Our rooms are across the hall from each other, so she comes in and checks on me every time she leaves the house or comes home. I can barely pull myself out of bed to use the bathroom and shower. Lisa keeps bringing me food that I push around on the plate without eating any of it, before I go back to sleep.
Tessa is sitting on the end of my bed. She’s worried about me, although she’s kind of furious at me too.
“Kayla, I know you can hear me, so you need to listen. You’ve missed a week of school. You can’t miss anymore. We’ve done everything we can think of to help you and it’s time to try something else. We’ve begged you to go to the doctor and you refuse to go. If you don’t get up and make an effort to rejoin the living, my dad has said he is going to force you to go to the doctor. You have to quit taking the Xanax, I think it’s making you worse. Those are to calm you down. You are down enough; you need something to bring you up. You need something for depression.”
I blink my eyes and just stare at her. I’m not taking any medicine now. I only took that one pill the day I had my panic attack. “I’ve not been taking any medicine at all.”
She blows out a breath and shakes her head.
“That makes this even worse, Kayla. That means that this isn’t being brought on by the medicine. You need to get some help or you’re not going to graduate. Blake quit calling a few days ago. He’s worried about you. If you wanted to push him away, I think you succeeded. David is driving by the house all hours of the day and night. None of us know what to do. Call Blake, talk to him and tell him what’s going on before you lose him for good. I know you don’t want that. Let me tell him what’s wrong with you. You know he’d come here.”
I don’t want to lose him for good, at the same time; I simply can’t make myself care enough to do anything about it. I really don’t even care if I graduate.
“You can’t tell him. Promise me you won’t tell Blake.” I’m crying now. I’m guessing I’m not dehydrated because my tears are flowing easily. Lisa has been forcing me to at least drink water. “Promise me! I don’t want him to know about this. I don’t want him to see me like this.”
“Then get up! Kayla, please get up. You’re scaring me. Do you want me to call your dad, or maybe your mom?”
I shake my head no. “I’m tired. Please just let me sleep.”
Sleep is the only comfort I find right now. My brain isn’t working overtime while I sleep, I’m not having to relive the pain of losing my baby, or the hurt I’ve caused David and now Blake. It takes too much effort to move much less get up and do anything.
“That’s all you have been doing! You have got to get out of this bed. You’re losing weight and you are so pale. I’m telling you, my dad and Lisa are going to take you to the doctor Monday morning if you don’t get up.”
“What day is today?” I’m trying to remember, but everything is running together. She just looks at me with pity in her eyes.
“It’s Friday morning. I’m heading to school. You’ve got this weekend and then they are making you go to the doctor. In the meantime, if you don’t start eating more, Lisa said she will just take you to the emergency room this weekend. So I suggest you try to eat some. Lisa even bought you some of those shake drinks to try to get some more nutrients in you. If you don’t want to end up in the ER, drink them. Make an effort Kayla. I have to go. I love you; you need to love yourself enough to pull yourself out of this.”
She walks toward the door. “I love you too, Tessa.”
She turns around with tears in her eyes. Her eyes are pleading even stronger than her words are.
“Then get up Kayla. Try. If you can’t that’s fine. We will get you the help you need. You can’t keep refusing to go to the doctor. Get up and try, or you need to go and get some help. That’s your two choices. Do it on your own or get the help you need.”
Laying there, I watch her as she walks out the door. Once she's gone, I climb from the bed, shower, and then head back to my room. All I wear all day, every day for that matter, is my pajamas. There’s no need for me to get dressed
Just as I lay down, Troy walks into my room.
“Hey kiddo, how are you feeling?”
I can’t meet his eyes. “I’ve been better.”
“You sure have.”
He sits down on the bed.
“Listen. Lisa and I are really worried about you. So we are going to take you to the doctor Monday whether you want to go or not. You can’t keep going the way you are. You’re going to end up really sick. Do you understand what I’m telling you? You need to try to help yourself or we are going to take matters into our own hands. I’ve called your dad and talked to him. Tessa doesn’t even know I spoke to him. He is in agreement with us.”
I can’t believe he called my dad. Why can’t they just leave me alone? He pats my leg and leaves the room. Next Lisa comes in, this is ridiculous. I just want to be left alone.
“I want you to drink this drink. It’s a shake. It’s supposed to taste really good. It has a lot of protein and vitamins in it. You need more nourishment. I want you to drink at least two of these a day. Then we will see what the doctor recommends on Monday.”
I take the drink from her. She put a straw in it so it will be easier for me to drink. She sits there while I drink it. I guess she is afraid I will pour it out or something. When I drink all of it, she smiles at me
“Good girl.”
She gently rubs my head.
“I’ll bring you some water and I’ll be back to check on you to make sure you have drank it. Is there anything I can fix you to eat? I’ll make you anything you want.”
“No, thank you. I’m fine.”
She brings the water and sits it on the table beside my bed.
“Drink all of it.”
“Okay.” I take a couple of sips and fall back to sleep.
Tessa wakes me up. She must have just got home from school. She excitedly sits o
n my bed. I make myself sit up so she won’t give me a hard time. She is smiling from ear to ear. I furrow my brow at her.
“I’ve got something for you.”
She tries to hand me a white envelope. All I could do was look at it. Honestly, I'm afraid to touch it. Clenching my teeth, I don't want to read his words telling me goodbye. There's no way I can handle that right now. “Take it, Kayla. It’s from Blake. Maybe he isn’t going to give up so easily. He kept his promise. He didn’t call anymore, but he never said he wouldn’t write you.”
I swallow hard and take the envelope from her.
“You should read it. It may be exactly what you need.”
She walks out of my room, leaving me with the letter. I look at it and turn it over in my hand. He touched this. It’s his writing on the envelope. Should I read it? What if it’s something I don’t want to hear? I get up and go to the bathroom. I wash my face with a warm washcloth. Then I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge. It’s always full of healthy food. I grab some strawberries, put them in a bowl and wash them off. I grab another glass of water and walk back to my room. Lisa walks up behind me.
“Oh sweetie, I’m so glad to see you eating something. Do you want me to fix you something? I mean, strawberries are great, but I can fix you some kind of meat or maybe just a peanut butter sandwich. You really do need some protein.”
I turn around to face her. “Maybe later, this is good for now.”
She gives me a small hug and leaves to go start dinner. Staring at the letter sitting on my nightstand, I walk over, setting the water beside the letter before climbing up on my bed. Crisscrossing my legs, I place the bowl of strawberries in my lap. Slowly, I take a strawberry and put it to my lips. It feels weird to have actual food touch my mouth. It's been so long since I have eaten any real food. Taking small bites, I'm afraid that if I take in too much at once I will get sick.
It’s time I have a talk with the man upstairs. I’ve been ignoring him lately and that’s never good. I close my eyes and say a prayer into my room.
