by Love, K. J.
“Thank you, Mama.”
She looks past me at Blake, who is standing behind me.
“Oh, Mama, this is Blake. Blake, Mama.”
Blake extends his hand to her and she takes it and smiles at him.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. West.”
“Likewise, Blake. I hate that it has taken us so long to meet and that it is under such terrible circumstances.”
Mama releases his hand and looks back to me.
“I called the house and Lisa told me you were on your way here. I knew your dad would be here so I thought you could use some back up.” She then looks at Blake again. “No offense, Blake.”
Blake shakes his head no.
“None taken. Mrs. West.”
“Please call me Paige.”
“Mama, are you sure this is a good idea? I know you haven’t seen Dad in twelve years.”
“Kayla, I have to be honest. I’m not thrilled about the idea of seeing him again, but I know with Leo dealing with Elle’s death, he will not be much help to you, so I will be here for you regardless of my feelings toward your dad.”
What are her feelings toward my dad? I know that in the six years we were together as a family she loved him. They were always hugging and kissing, at least that’s what I remember. Well, until she found out that he cheated on her. That completely broke her.
“Mama, you don’t have to.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Ladies, it’s getting late and I’m sure Leo will be tired and ready to go to bed soon. Should we go in?” Blake asks us.
“Blake’s right, honey. We can’t wait any longer.”
Blake takes my hand as we walk toward the house. Mama walks on the other side of me with her hand on my back letting me know that she is there. With each step we take my chest gets tighter and the ache becomes more pronounced. God, please help me, help us all get through this.
Blake knocks on the door. It opens slowly and there he stands, the last person I want to see tonight. He looks tired, his eyes are red and puffy from crying.
Looking at me first, he doesn’t say anything. Then shock takes over his face as he locks eyes with Mama. It’s obvious that he didn’t expect to see her. Feeling Mama tense, I take her hand.
“We’re here to see Grandpa.” I say looking at my Dad.
Dad shakes his head as if shaking himself from a trance
“Of course. Come in.”
He steps back to allow us through the door. Mama is glued to my side. She clearly doesn’t want to be left alone with my dad. This gives me a very suspicious feeling and makes me wonder why Frank didn’t make this trip with her.
Grandpa is sitting in Grandma’s rocker. He looks tired, but he smiles when he sees me. Going to him, I sit on the floor at his feet, lay my head on his knees, and cry yet again.
“Now. Now. Elle wouldn’t want us to cry and go on. She’s happy, Kayla, and in a far better place than we are.”
Grandpa strokes my hair and then pats my back.
“There, there now. No more tears. It’s good to see you, Paige. I’m glad you came.”
Mama leans down to hug him.
“I’m so sorry for, your loss, Leo. She was a good woman.”
“That she was.” Grandpa says.
We sit for a while reminiscing about all the wonderful memories we have of Grandma. We laugh at some of the things she used to do and say. It actually makes me feel a little better
Avoiding my Dad, I stay close to Blake, Mama, and Grandpa. Mama sits on my left side closest to Grandpa and Blake is on my right. Dad is seated across from us. Occasionally, I will look in his direction and catch him staring at Mama. It’s so strange to see them in the same room together after so many years.
“Look folks I’m exhausted and I need some rest. There’s a lot to get done tomorrow. Elle already made most of the arrangements, but there will still be some things that we’ll need to handle.”
“Grandpa, Blake and I will be over in the morning to help with anything you need us to.”
“No, you won’t. Your Grandma was very specific about this. She said if she left us and it was near your graduation or wedding that you were to go on with the celebration no matter what. And we will honor her wishes.”
“But…”
Grandpa interrupts me.
“No buts now. What has to be done your Dad and I can take care of it alone. Paige, can you come by in the morning? I have some things for you from Elle.”
Mama looks scared and white as a sheet.
“Uh. Sure. What time?” She asks hesitantly.
“Mama, I can come with you.”
“No, Kayla. Leo’s right. You enjoy your graduation day.”
“Paige, is ten o’clock in the morning, good for you?”
“That’s fine Leo. I’ll see you then.”
We all hug him goodbye, then make our way to the door. Dad is following us, why I’m not sure. We step out onto the porch and down the steps.
“Kayla, I probably won’t make it to your graduation. We have a lot to do tomorrow.”
He puts his hands in his jean pockets, looking down at his feet, then he slowly lifts his head.
“I want you to know I’m proud of you and I wish I could be there.”
Now is not the time to be mean or say anything that my Grandma would not approve of. I told her I would try so that’s a promise I will always do my best to keep.
“It’s okay. Grandpa needs you here. I’ll come by after graduation tomorrow.”
“Okay.” Dad says.
Blake, Mama, and I turn to walk to the cars.
“Paige.” My dad calls out.
Mama stops and turns back to face him. I see her swallow hard as she looks at him. They are just staring at each other for a minute. Dad gives her a weak smile.
“Thank you for coming. I know that meant a lot to Dad.”
“I never had an issue with your parents, Andrew. I’ve always loved them.”
“I know. Still, thank you.”
“Sure.”
She nods her head. We turn and leave together. Once at Blake’s truck, I hug Mama.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m good. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. You, young lady, don’t worry about anything tomorrow except graduating. I’ll be there to see you walk across that stage. I’ll see y’all tomorrow. Love you, baby.”
“Love you too, Mama.”
“Bye, Paige.” Blake says with a wave.
We get in the truck and I look back at the house. Dad is still standing there and Grandpa has joined him. Grandpa is patting him on the back and Dad looks as if his world is falling apart. I find it strange that Grandpa is consoling Dad. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
Chapter 43Paige
Not sleeping much last night, I’ve finally dragged myself out of bed. My trip was originally planned because of Kayla’s graduation. However after I arrived yesterday, I attempted to call Kayla to let her know I had made it to the hotel. Lisa answered and broke the news of Elle’s death to me. Knowing how hard Kayla was going to take this, I had to put my feelings aside and be there for her. I’ve already failed her at being her mother in the past.
After grabbing breakfast, I look at the clock on the wall. It’s almost time for me to leave for Leo’s. Feeling guilty about not telling Frank last night that I saw Andrew is killing me. Being honest with him has always been important to me. Frank knows everything about my past, how in love I was with Andrew and how I’m still not completely over him. Yes, I know that’s a little insane for him to be okay with this. He, of course, thinks it’s because I never got the closure I needed. Never seeing Andrew again was hard, but I couldn’t if I had any hope of holding on to my sanity, at the time. Although, I did completely lose it after the divorce was final, not even being able to care for the child I had come to love as my own. Every time I looked at Kayla, it ripped my heart apart more. Knowing then that the eyes, that I thought was just a coinci
dence that they looked so much like Andrew’s, became a glaring reminder that she was his biological daughter and she was the result of his infidelity. The biological daughter that I so desperately wanted to give him but couldn’t.
I’ve been praying all night that he won’t be at Leo’s when I get there. Seeing him yesterday was just too much. I’d never let Kayla know that, she has had too much to deal with in her life and I’m to blame for some of it. The least I can do is try to help her get through this with as little drama as possible, so that she can enjoy her graduation. As it is, it will always remind her of her Grandma’s death every time she remembers it. I don’t want there to be any more bad memories of this time.
Gathering my things I will need for later in case I can’t make it back to the hotel before time to leave for Kayla’s graduation. I leave my room and head for the car. Memories flood my mind as I make the drive to Leo and Elle’s house. Most all of them wonderful memories. My marriage to Andrew was wonderful for the most part. Being lost in my own grief and feelings of inadequacies, I couldn’t see that I was losing him as well as myself.
Pulling into the driveway, I’m relieved when I see that Andrew isn’t here. Knocking on the door, I hear Leo yell, “Come in!”
Upon entering the house the smells are so familiar to me. Coming here always felt safe and welcoming to me when Andrew and I were married.
“Paige, is that you?”
I laugh a little.
“You’ve gotten a little trusting in your old age, Leo. You never would have left your door unlocked years ago. And today things are so much worse.”
Closing the door behind me, I set out to find him.
“Where are you?”
“I’m in Elle’s room, hun.”
Taking in a deep breath, I let it out and head in the familiar direction. Stopping at Kayla’s room and peeking in, I smile at the things that are lying around. It looks as though they didn’t touch it, except to clean, after she moved out. Walking on down the hall, I stand in the open door way. Leo is going through a box that is sitting on Elle’s bed. He’s looking for something. He never looks up at me.
“Come and sit honey. I just have to find what she told me to give to you. That woman is still telling me what to do even from Heaven.”
He then looks up and smiles at me.
“I’m not going crazy, sweetheart. I promise. Elle and I had come to terms with the fact that she would be leaving first. She’s saving me a spot.”
“You really need to start locking that door, Leo.”
“Nah, I’m okay. It’s a good neighborhood and I knew you were on your way. You’d never say you were coming and then not show up. Ah, here it is.”
He hands me an envelope with my name on it.
“Take your time. She wanted to say these things in person, but she had to leave before she could. She made me promise that you’d read it. I really am glad you are here.”
Reaching out, I touch his hand.
“Me too, Leo. Thank you.”
He exits the room. Closing my eyes, I take in a few breaths and let them out, trying to brace myself for what I’m about to read. Knowing I can’t sit here all day, I carefully turn the envelope over and break the seal on the back. Unfolding the letter, I straighten it out and begin to read the words written to me by one of the best women I’ve ever known.
Dearest Paige,
If you’re reading this, I wasn’t able to make it long enough to tell you all of this in person. I hate that you are having to read it instead of hearing it straight from me. I’m no great writer, but I can at least tell you what I think you should have heard all those years ago, had I had the opportunity to tell you.
First, I’m sorry my son hurt you. I won’t make excuses for him or his behavior. He knows the huge mistakes that he made. He knows what he lost. When he lost you, he lost himself and Kayla. Andrew shut himself off from everyone after you disappeared. He’s still not the same even after all these years.
I want you to know that what we did we did for Andrew and for you. Yes, you. You wanted a child so badly and not being able to conceive a child of your own had consumed you. When Andrew came to us saying he had gotten a young girl pregnant, I knew it would kill you. I knew that him having a child with another woman would be the final straw for you. We couldn’t let that happen. We loved you. You were our daughter and we would have done anything to protect you. Believe me, Andrew, Leo, and I went over every possible solution that we could think of. After Kayla Rose was born and then her mother passed, I had an idea that I thought would help everyone. If we could get you to agree to adopt Kayla then you and Andrew could raise her as your own. We would still have Kayla in our lives and you would finally have a child to love.
It was me, Paige. God forgive me. It was me. It was all my idea and I’ve had to live with that everyday of my life. I wonder what would have happened if we had just told you the truth from the beginning. But we didn’t and I don’t regret trying to make sure that you and Andrew had the life you always wanted. He loved you beyond belief and I’m pretty sure he still does to this day.
Please forgive an old woman for making a decision that changed everyone’s life. I truly thought we were doing the right thing. I love you, Paige and I’m sorry you ended up getting hurt anyway. That was never our intention.
When you found out and made Andrew leave he came to us begging us to help him in some way. Like we could fix it for him. I have to tell you as a mother there was nothing harder than seeing him live through that heart break. But even worse was telling him that, that was something we couldn’t fix for him.
When we took custody of Kayla and you didn’t fight us I knew you did that because you knew it was best for her. That’s what a real mother does. They make sacrifices for their child. I have never been more proud of anyone than I was of you in that moment. You proved that you were Kayla’s mother because you wanted the best for her and you knew that you couldn’t be that then. Never think badly of yourself for what you did because we don’t and we never did. We love you, sweet girl. I only hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive us and that you will finally let go of all of the hurt and pain. Until we meet again, my daughter, I’ll be waiting by those pearly gates.
Love,
Elle
Tears are rolling down my face and I feel like I can’t breathe. Why didn’t I ever talk to her? Being so young and foolish, I let my pride get in the way, even after I was better emotionally. “Elle I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault alone. We all made terrible mistakes. God, I wish I could go back.”
“Me too.”
Wiping my eyes, I see Andrew standing in the door way. All the years of hurt and pain are pouring out of me. Shaking my head, I try to catch my breath. He walks closer to me and my breathing quickens. Trying to make myself tell him not to come any closer, but the words get stuck in my throat. He’s sitting down beside me before I even realize it. Wrapping his arms around me, that familiar scent that is uniquely him, fills my senses. Clutching his shirt in my fist, I cling to him and cry for all the years of hurt, years I ached for him to hold me just like this, years I beat myself up for being a horrible mother. For all the dreams we had that vanished in an instant. Why did I ever have to find those papers? I’ve wished over and over that I could have unseen them, but it happened and it couldn’t be undone then and it can’t be undone now.
“I’m so sorry, Paige.” Andrew whispers in my hair.
“I need to leave.”
“Stay and talk to me, Paige. Please.”
Shaking my head no.
“I can’t. I have to go.”
“Let me at least try to explain. Just give me a few minutes please.”
His breathing has increased and I can tell by the tremble in his voice that he is crying. This is not a good situation to be in for either of us. Being in the arms of my ex-husband is not where I need to be. Pushing back from him, I release his shirt and stand up. Seeing tears streaming down his face breaks my
heart even more. Not loving him no matter how hard I tried wasn’t possible. He will always be the love of my life, but we both were hurt and have moved on. Some times love isn’t enough to erase all of the hurt.
“You need to work on your relationship with your daughter. There’s nothing for us to talk about. Take care of Leo and go home to your wife. I’m going to Kayla’s graduation.”
“I still love you, Paige.”
That about brings me to my knees. Putting my hand over my mouth, I feel like I’m going to get sick. Turning away from him is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Running straight past Leo, I run out to my car. When I look up Andrew is standing on the porch looking at me. Don’t do this to me, Andrew. Please don’t do this to me. Starting the car, I look into his green eyes filled with tears. Wiping my own eyes, I grit my teeth and put the car into reverse. Seeing him again after this will be even harder, but I’ll do what I have to do for Kayla.
Chapter 44Kayla
We’ve been running around like crazy all morning. Missing practice yesterday, I had to go to school this morning to see what I need to do. Now, I’m standing in this line with my fellow classmates waiting to march into the auditorium. Looking around the stands, I try to find Blake and Mama so that I know where they are. Finally spotting them, I breathe a little easier.
The whole group is together. It warms my heart to see all of them. My family none of them by blood, though, and that does make me a little sad. Looking at the crowd, I see another person I wasn’t expecting, Anne, my step-mom and Nick, my step-brother. Anne has been out of town, I had no idea she was back. Dad isn’t here so I assumed none of them would be here. This could be uncomfortable having her meet Mama. At least everyone will be around, so maybe that will help the awkwardness.
Grandma’s funeral will be Monday and then Mama will go back to Florida after the service. Just another day of having everyone together. I’m sure we can get through this. Music starts to play and we begin our march. Taking my seat, my mind isn’t here I’m going through the motions, but I have so much going on in my head I haven’t heard a word anyone has said. The girl beside me shoves me because our row is moving toward the stage. Standing there waiting, my mind begins to wander again.
