“This summer has changed me, it’s made me look at things in a different way, you have made me look at things in a different way. You showed me how to live again. You showed me how to care again.” I see the rain starting to run down her face.
“What are you saying?” I asked her wanting her to say it and not to say it all at the same time. Alright sure I was digging for it.
“I love you Chase, I’ve loved you since the moment that you brought me back to your house. I don’t want to be that far away from you.” I just stand in silence staring at her, staring through her; wishing that I knew what to say. “Chase, I fucking love you.” and I kissed her, I kissed her because I couldn’t say those words, no matter how much I felt them I knew that she would go off to South Carolina and she would forget all about me. I just knew that I didn’t deserve this spectacular woman standing in front of me who had managed to heal me and my wounds. I kissed her so passionately that she stopped talking and gave into my kiss. She gave into me and like the night in El Paso, we hastily made it up the stairs and to the hotel room. I opened the door and slammed it shut behind me. I laid her down on the bed. Quickly peeling out soaking clothes from our bodies.
I didn’t sleep that night, but sat up staring at her. I didn’t deserve her, she didn’t belong to me, and she didn’t deserve to be dragged into my bullshit. We had just met and I knew that we would be pulled apart soon enough as it was.
I was in my car driving east before I even realized it. I hated myself for doing it to her, because I did love her, but l couldn’t hurt her the way that I knew I eventually would. I loved her enough to let her go, even if she was on the other side of the country or not.
Ariana
I lay watching Chase sleep, knowing what happened the last time that this happened, and I pray that history will not repeat itself I get up from the bed and quickly dressed not wanting Av to see us this way and become confused. When I walked into the living room I am met by a woman with a scowl on her face that was until she turned and looked at Avery.
“I can only guess that you are Ariana.” She says at me.
“Yes, ma’am.” I try to smile but I’m preoccupied. My thoughts are running rampant in my mind.
“Well, I should have figured.” Her statement confuses me.
“Figured what?”
“Well, that with all the woman in the world my son would find the one who looked so much,” she looked over me quickly, “well like him.”
“I’m sorry I don’t know what you mean.” I’m confused, Chase and I look nothing alike.
“Sweetheart, you had a child at nineteen and just by looking at you I can see that you are broken.” I hate her already, I look back hoping to see Chase walking out to me but when I don’t I decide that I need to get away from her evil ass.
“I have to run out for a little while, would you mind watching Avery, and could you tell Chase to meet me on the hour when he wakes up.”
“What if he doesn’t wake up for hours?” She asks, shortly.
“I will still be there.” she nods her head and I can tell that she wants to get to know Avery, and well she is her grandmother and she managed to do something right with Chase.
Chapter Nineteen
Chase
When I wake I seem to remember instantly what happened last night, and I am beyond joyed. That is until I roll over and see the Ariana is gone, I try to calm myself as I get out of bed and walk to the door, certainly she just didn’t want Avery to see us in here together.
When I walk out of my bedroom, picking up my shirt and carrying it out in the living room with me I cringe as I hear my mother’s voice.
“Jesus, Chase, at least put on a shirt. There is a small child out here.” She shocks me slightly, but I should have figured that she would just show up.
“Mom, really? It’s my kid.” I stop and turn to her, “Wait, I thought that I was supposed to pick you up at 4.”
“Well I got my flight changed.” She shrugs.
“Of course you did.” I mumble as I pull the shirt over my torso and then walk over to where Avery is sitting down and kiss her on the forehead.
“Mom, have you seen Ariana?” I ask.
“Oh yes, we met this morning.” She says following me into the kitchen, “She isn’t very social.”
“What are you talking about?” I’m confused, she’s one of the most social women I have ever met.
“Well, she came out here; let me add out of your bedroom—,” I am not up for her scolding me right now.
“Shh,” I say with panicked eyes, looking to Avery sitting in the other room.
“Oh, so I can assume that it wasn’t planned.” She rolls her eyes.
“Mom, stop.” I demand.
“I’m just saying that the two of you already have a child out of this ridiculous relationship that you had years ago, you don’t need another one.”
“Mom, stop, seriously where is she?”
“She left about half an hour ago; she said to ask you to meet her on the hour.”
“Did she say where?” I ask, confused. How about I going to find her if I don’t know where to look.
“Nope,” she said without a care and walked back into the living room. I glance over at the clock at see that it is quarter till and I panic. I rush upstairs and pull my jeans on, and then stomp down the stairs back to the front door.
“Mom, do you mind watching Av?” I ask her as I round the corner and watch as she shakes her head telling me that she doesn’t mind; well at least she is good for that. I nod, thank her, and then I rush to my car. Meet her on the hour. . . where?
Ariana
I remember waking up in California without Chase lying next to me. I thought that maybe he just went to surprise me with breakfast so I got up and took a shower, dressed; blow dried my hair, and put my make-up in all the right places. I was thrilled I had actually told Chase how I felt the night before, but I don’t think I ever realized until right then that he didn’t say it back. I should have seen the abandonment coming the second he didn’t say those words, but instead I read them in his eyes. I knew that I saw them and I knew that he felt the same way. Only now do I let myself believe that he was truly afraid of me and what loving someone would do.
I’m sitting on a bench staring across the road, I have seen people come and go, and the cab driver looked at me like I was crazy when I told him where I wanted to go, hell it was winter, even if I was sitting in a tank-top and flip flops.
I wake up and when I feel the empty side of the bed it doesn’t strike me as odd, Chase usually wakes up before I do. I lay in bed for twenty minutes before I finally get up and take my time in the shower. I get out and dry off. I constantly turn the hair dryer off to make sure that Chase isn’t sneaking up behind me. I sit in the room for three hours by myself before I finally get up; I am worried that something happened to him while he was going out this morning.
I walk down to the receptionist and I turn the corner to look at her.
“Excuse me miss.” I say as the young girl turns around and smiles to me. She is probably only a year older than I am.
“Yes, Ma’am?” she asks almost with a smug look on her face.
“Have you seen the man that I was staying here with?” I watch as she rolls her eyes. “Tall, dark hair, dark eyes, muscles.” She still looks lost. “Drives an old red GTO?”
“Oh, I saw him leaving this morning” she tells me and I see a look of sadness in her eyes as she looks at me realizing what happened but not wanting to say it out loud to me. I don’t want to believe her eyes so I ask the dumb question.
“Did he happen to mention when he would be back?” she doesn’t say anything to me but simply touches my arm and shakes her head, I know that she is trying to tell me that he left for good. “Oh,” I look at the ground, “Well could you tell me how much time is left on our reservation?” she nods at me and looks at the computer, punches in a few more buttons and then looks back up to me.
“You have the room booked unt
il the fifteenth.” Then she leans over the counter and looks at me, “I can book you in another room, or give you an extra day or so,” I shake my head and thank her, leaving the area as quick as I can go. I can’t stand her look of pity.
I sit in the hotel for hours, not moving just looking out the large picturesque window that sits in front of me. Sometime later I hear a knock on the door and I jump up off of the bed and rush towards the door. I jump up convincing myself that it will be Chase. That he’s here to apologize. To tell me that he loves me and that he’s sorry. I’m ready to tell him off when I open the door to find a busboy, who smiles at me and leaves the cart of food. I’m confused as he leaves and try to stop him explaining that I did not order any room service, but he just stops, puts his hand up, and then walks out of the room. When I look at the cart I see a hand written note that is from the receptionist telling me that she is sorry and I need to eat something, my heart sings out for a complete stranger who is actually worried about me.
I wait for a week hoping that Chase will come back and when he doesn’t I freak out and find the closest club. When I walk through the door I can feel the energy; that club energy, sex. I walk towards the bar and down my first shot with one gulp. I order and drink and begin to wander around the room and make my way towards the middle of the dance floor.
Todd was his name, or was it Rob? Honestly, I’m not sure what his name was, but he was shorter than Chase was, but still taller than I am and had blonde hair, he was wearing an Abercrombie T shirt and I’m pretty sure Abercrombie jeans as well… exactly the opposite of Chase. We started dancing and continued to drink. By the time that it was time to leave I had already made up my mind. I was going to take Todd/ Rob back to the hotel room and I was going to sleep with him. I was going to erase Chase from my life just like that. He would be gone. When I smiled at Todd/ Rob and asked him if he wanted to get out of here he grinned only that grin that men get when they know that they are about to get laid. And I let him follow me back to the hotel. We kissed in the elevator as it ascended up the hotel and when it abruptly stopped we got out and I led him down to the room and opened the door.
“This is a nice place.” He said to me looking out the window. I nodded trying not to think about Chase. I stopped and stared out of the window as I thought about the last night that he was here and we walked along the beach, holding hands. I felt Todd/ Rob come up behind me and I felt him move my hair off my neck and kiss it. I couldn’t help but let a slight moan escape my lips and I turned around and kissed him, but all I could think about was Chase. So I kissed him more passionately hoping to rid the demon from my mind. His hands roamed my body, but for whatever reason I couldn’t use sex to escape my mind and the images that were replaying themselves in it. I watched as I looked over for the first time and saw Chase standing next to me, in the swimming shorts, I saw driving his car for the first time as I mowed down the mailbox. I felt Todd/Rob trail kisses down my neck and I saw Chase and the first time we had sex in El Paso, I saw the anger in his eyes the first time he saw my scars. I felt Todd / Rob take my shirt off of my body and I can only assume he undressed himself as I stay stilled on the bed and let the images surf though my mind. I saw Chase and I in the hotel in Vegas and his pride in me as I landed from jumping out of the building, I watched him pace around the car, pissed because of the gasket, and then saw us laying underneath the stars before the coyotes came, and finally I saw the night before he left I saw the love that he felt for me but couldn’t bring himself to say.
The tears were pouring from my eyes as Todd / Rob pulled away from me and looked curious.
“Are you alright, R.” and I instantly missed being called Ariana. I missed Chase and I hardly even knew him.
“Just leave.” I said to him as I pushed him off of me and walked into the bathroom I stared at my reflection as I heard Todd / Rob swear at me from the other side of the door, kick something in the other room, and then I heard the door in the room slam shut. I knew that I was safe in here, but I didn’t want to sleep in that bed one more night.
I slept on the chair in the room staring out to the ocean. Staring emptily into the abyss, it’s how I felt my life was now. The one person who was able to give me happiness left me all alone. He showed me how to live, but how would I live without him now?
The next morning I booked a ticket back home, calling my father from the airport to come and get me, he wasn’t at all pleased, but nothing he could say to me could compare to how Chase had shattered me when he left.
Three weeks later when I couldn’t stop throwing up in the morning I sat staring at the test in my hands as the plus sign came into view.
“Fuck,” and I waited for my dad to get home. I sat in the living room trembling.
“R, what are you doing.” He snapped at me.
“Dad, you should probably sit.” He glared at me, emotions- well besides the one of being angry- he didn’t do well plus he hated being told what to do.
“What are you doing, R?” he repeated himself.
“Well dad, there’s something that we should talk about.”
“What is it, there’s something more important to talk about than you running off for an entire fucking summer.” His voice rises louder.
“Yes, dad there is.” We hadn't talked since he had screamed at me about leaving, I was already packed and I should have been leaving in the next week for Columbia, but that was all going to change now.
“Well, what the fuck is it R.” He couldn’t stand to call me Ariana; it reminded him of my mother.
“Well, dad, I just found out that I’m pregnant.” I admit to him holding in my tears, looking him dead in the eyes, refusing to show him fear- as you would a dog, or a bear.
“You’re what.” He almost stuttered. I could tell he was shocked.
“Dad, you heard me. Please don’t make me repeat it.” I was on the verge of tears already.
“So you run off for a summer and then come to find out that you get fucking knocked up by some punk kid.” He’s definitely yelling now.
“He’s not a punk, dad.” I’m not even sure now why I defended him to my father.
“Well where is he now?” he demands to know.
“I don’t know; I will find him though.”
“R, no daughter of mine is going to have a child out of wedlock.” What is he even saying?
“What are you saying dad?” My internally question is asked out loud before I even realize it.
“That you will have an abortion,” He actually shocks me.
“What? Isn’t that my decision to make?” I’m flabbergasted.
“No, as long as you live in my house and I pay for you tuition you will do as I tell you.”
“Well what if I don’t.” I stand up, looking directly in his eyes.
“Then get the fuck out of my house.” he said and my mouth dropped open. I wasn’t sure what to think or what to do. “You heard me go; you can come back when you are rid of that thing. Get out.” I wanted to cry, I did eventually cry.
I took my car and I made a beeline to the apartment that I knew Hannah would be at, I stayed with her and eventually made an appointment to have the abortion.
I walked through the door to the appointment, but first they had to do an ultrasound, and when I saw the picture on the screen and saw the baby inside of me I started to cry. I knew then that I couldn’t kill my child, I couldn’t kill Chase’s child even if he wasn’t around. He would now be a part of me forever.
“Do you want to schedule a date for the procedure?” The nurse asked me.
“No,” I shouted and I ran out of the room, and kept running until I got to my car where I broke down. Hannah came out seconds later and held me while I cried.
The next day I left Hannah’s and drove to Savannah, I bought the house, started using my mother’s name so that my father couldn’t find me, and had been there since. That was until Chase came back into my life.
Chapter Twenty
Chase
&n
bsp; I drove around for twenty minutes unsuccessfully finding where she would be at until it dawns on me.
“I’m an idiot.” I mutter to myself as I turn the car around and made a beeline. I pull into the parking lot and I see her sitting on the bench. I see her staring across the street. I can’t help but smile with the memories that fill that waterpark; every time I drive past it I can’t help but think of her, the girl with the pink hair emerging from the cab that day.
I approach the bench and sit down next to her, allowing myself to stare off at the park as well. She doesn’t say anything to me for twenty minutes and I’m not sure if she knows if I am there, but I’m not going to make any sudden movements in fear that she will run away again. Finally I hear her begin to speak.
“It was my turn to run this time.” She huffs.
“What?” I ask her, matching her volume.
“It was my turn to leave you. While you were sleeping, I know that it’s childish, but I couldn’t wake up and you be gone again.” Her words shatter my heart.
“Ariana, I’m sorry.” I turn, looking to her.
“No, Chase, why did you leave? Answer me now, or let me walk away forever.” I stare at my hands for some time before I let myself speak. I don’t let the words come out until she shakes her head and stands to walk away. I’m an idiot but I’m still afraid of what she will do to me.
“I was an idiot,” I stand up, “I should have never left, you scared the hell out of me, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.” she stops and looks at me
“How did I scare you?” I walk up in front of her.
“I was in love with you. I had been for weeks. You made me feel things that I didn’t want to feel that I didn’t know how to handle, I was so broken. I’m slightly broken, but I’ve realized over the years that what l feel for you, it’s never going away, and no one can replace you.” I pause and she looks up at me and I can see that she is stunned. I slowly walk up to her; placing my hand on her shoulder and letting my voice lower. “I hated myself for leaving. I still do, and I don’t hate myself because of Avery, I hate myself because I was an idiot, and because I should have never left you. You are the only person in this world that understands and completes me.” I see the water forming in her eyes, “I couldn’t think of a single person that I would rather be the mother of my child, because god—damnit Ariana no matter how much I have tried not to, you’re the only one that I want. You have been the only one that I have ever loved.” I pause and look to her, “I never stopped loving you. All I want is you in my life.” and I close the remaining space between us and press my lips to hers. I feel the water on my face and when I pull back I see that she is crying.
Up for the Chase Page 10
