Gift-Wrapped & Toe-Tagged: A Melee of Misc. Holiday Anthology

by Dr. Freud Funkenstein, ed.

  “Go ahead,” Dundee insisted. “What did you see?”

  “Mr. Dundee...it was Corwin! Big as life...in a sleigh with reindeer...sittin’ alongside an elf and headin’ up toward the sky!” He closed his eyes and heaved a tremendous sigh. “That’s about the size of it, ain’t it, Mr. Dundee?”

  Dundee nodded. “That’s about the size of it, Officer Flaherty.” His voice sounded small and strained. He turned to the big cop. “I’ll tell you something. You’d better come home with me. We’ll brew up some hot coffee and we’ll pour some whiskey into it, and we’ll...” His voice drifted off as he stared toward the snow-filled sky, and when he looked back at Flaherty he wore a smile that somehow shone. “And we’ll thank God for miracles, Officer Flaherty. That’s what we’ll do. We’ll thank God for miracles.”

  Arm and arm, the two men walked off into the night—and over the disappearing sound of tiny bells came the deep resonant ringing of the church bells as they ushered in the next day. The wondrous day. The joyous day above all joyous days—the day of Christmas.

  Manly Wade Wellman

  ON THE HILLS AND EVERYWHERE

  "John, the children have opened their presents, and I want them to have some hot rations inside them before they start in on that store-bought candy you fetched them. So why don't you tell us a Christmas story while Mother's putting dinner on the table?"

  "Be proud to do so. And this won't be any far-away tale—it happened to neighbor-folks you know."

  YOU ALL AND I and everybody worried our minds about Mr. Absalom Cowand and his fall-out with Mr. Troy Holcomb who neighbors with him in the hills above Rebel Creek. Too bad when old friends aren't friends my more. Especially the kind of friend Mr. Absalom can be.

  You've been up to his place, I reckon. Only a man with thought in his head and bone in his back would build and work where Mr. Absalom Cowand does in those high hills up the winding road beyond those lazy

  creek-bottom patches. He's terraced his fields up and up behind his house on the slope, growing some of the best-looking corn in this day and time. And nice cow-brutes in his barns, and good hogs and chickens in his pens, and money in the bank down yonder at the county seat. Mr. Absalom will feed ary hungry neighbor, or tend ary sick one, saving he's had a quarrel with them, like the quarrel with Mr. Troy Holcomb.

  "What for did they quarrel, John?"

  "Over something Mr. Troy said wasn't so, and Mr. Absalom said was. I'll come to that."

  That farm is Mr. Absalom's pride and delight. Mr. Troy's place next door isn't so good, though good enough. Mr. Absalom looked over to Mr. Troy's, the day I mention, and grinned in his big thicketty beard, like a king's beard in a history-book picture. If it sorrowed him to be out with Mr. Troy, he didn't show it. All that sorrowed him, maybe, was his boy, Little Anse—crippled ever since he'd fallen off the jolt-wagon and it ran over his legs so he couldn't walk, couldn't crawl hardly without the crutches his daddy had made for him.

  It was around noon when Mr. Absalom grinned his tiger grin from his front yard over toward Mr. Troy's, then looked up to study if maybe a few clouds didn't mean weather coming. He needed rain from heaven. It wondered him if a certain somebody wasn't witchin it off from his place. Witch-men are the meanest folks God ever forgot. looking up thataway, Mr. Absalom wasn't aware of a man coming till he saw him close in sight above the road's curve, a stranger-fellow with a tool chest on his shoulder. The stranger stopped at Mr. Abasalom's mail box and gave him a good day.

  "And good day to you," Mr. Absalom said, stroking his beard where it bannered onto his chest. "What can I do for you?"

  "It's what can I do for you," the stranger replied him back. "I had in mind that maybe there's some work here for me."

  "Well," said Mr. Absalom, relishing the way the stranger looked.

  He was near about as tall as Mr. Absalom's own self, but no way as thick built, nor as old. Maybe in his thirties, and neat dressed in work clothes, with brown hair combed back. He had a knowledge look in his face but nothing secret. The shoulder that carried the tool chest was a square, strong shoulder.

  "You ain't some jack-leg carpenter?" said Mr. Absalom.

  "No. I learned my trade young, and I learned it right."

  "That's bold spoken, friend."

  "I just say that I'm skilled."

  Those words sounded right and true.

  "I like to get out in the country to work," the carpenter-man said on. "No job too big or too small for me to try."

  "Well," said Mr. Absalom again, "so happens I've got a strange-like job needs doing."

  "And no job too strange," the carpenter added.

  Mr. Absalom led him around back, past the chicken run and the hog lot. A path ran there, worn years deep by folks' feet. But, some way past the house, the path was chopped off short.

  Between Mr. Absalom's side yard and the next place was a ditch, not wide but deep and strong, with water tumbling down from the heights behind. Nobody could Call for any plainer mark betwixt two men's places.

  "See that house yonder?" Mr. Absalom pointed with his bearded chin.

  "The square-log place with the shake roof? Yes, I see it."

  "That's Troy Holcomb's place."

  "Yes."

  "My land," and Mr. Absalom waved a thick arm to show, "terraces back off thataway, and his land terraces off the other direction. We helped each other do the terracing. We were friends."

  "The path shows you were friends," said the carpenter. "The ditch shows you aren't friends any more."

  "You just bet your neck we ain't friends any more," said Mr. Absalom, and his beard crawled on his jaw as he set his mouth.

  "What's wrong with Troy Holcomb?" asked the carpenter.

  "Oh, nothing. Nothing that a silver bullet might not fix." Mr. Absalom pointed downhill. "Look at the field below the road."

  The carpenter looked. "Seems like a good piece of land. Ought to be a crop growing there."

  Now Mr. Absalom's teeth twinkled through his beard, like stars through storm clouds. "A court of law gave me that field. Troy Holcomb and I both laid claim to it, but the court said I was in the right. The corn I planted was blighted to death."

  "Been quite a much of blight this season," said the carpenter.

  "Yes, down valley, but not up here." Mr. Absalom glittered his eyes toward the house across the ditch. "A curse was put on my field. And who'd have reason to put a curse on, from some hateful old witch-book or other, but Troy Holcomb? I told him to his face. He denied the truth of that."

  "Of course he'd deny it," said the carpenter.

  "Shoo, John, is Mr. Troy Holcomb a witch-man? I never heard that."

  "I'm just telling what Mr. Absolum said. Well."

  "If he was a foot higher, I'd have hit him on top of his head," grumbled Mr. Absalom. "We haven't spoken since. And you know what he's done?"

  "He dug this ditch." The carpenter looked into the running water. "To show he doesn't want the path to join your place to his any more."

  "You hit it right," snorted Mr. Absalom, like a mean horse. "Did he reckon I'd go there to beg his pardon or something? Do I look like that kind of a puppy-man?"

  "Are you glad not to be friends with him?" the carpenter inquired his own question, looking at the squared-log house.

  "Ain't studying about that," said Mr. Absalom. "I'm studying to match this dig-ditch job he did against me. Look yonder at that lumber."

  The carpenter looked at a stack of posts, a pile of boards.

  "He cut me off with a ditch. If you want work, build me a fence along this side of his ditch, from the road down there up to where my back-yard line runs." Mr. Absalom pointed up slope. "How long will that take you?"

  The carpenter set down his tool chest and figured in his head. Then: "I could do you something to pleasure you by supper time."

  "Quick as that?" Mr. Absalom looked at him sharp, for he'd reckoned the fence job might take two-three days. "You got it thought out to be a little old small piece of work, huh?"


  "Nothing too big or too small for me to try," said the carpenter again. "You can say whether it suits you."

  "Do what I want, and I'll pay you worth your while," Mr. Absalom granted him. "I'm heading up to my far corn patch. Before sundown I'll come look." He started away. "But it's got to suit me."

  "It will," the carpenter made promise, and opened his chest.

  Like any lone working man, he started out to whistle.

  His whistling carried all the way to Mr. Absalom's house. And inside, on the front room couch, lay Little Anse.

  You all know how Little Anse couldn't hardly stand on his poor swunk up legs, even with crutches. It was pitiful to see him scuff a crutch out, then the other, then lean on them and swing his little feet between. He'd scuff and swing again, inching along. But Little Anse didn't pity himself. He was cheerful-minded, laughing at what trifles he could find. Mr. Absalom had had him to one doctor after another, and none could bid him hope. Said Little Anse was crippled for life.

  When Little Anse heard the whistling, he upped his ears to hear more. He worked his legs off the couch, and sat up and hoisted himself on his crutches. He clutched and scuffed to the door, and out in the yard, and along the path, following that tune.

  It took him a time to get to where the carpenter was working. But when he got there he smiled, and the carpenter smiled back.

  "Can I watch?" Little Anse asked.

  "You're welcome to watch. I'm doing something here to help your daddy."

  "How tall are you?" Little Anse inquired him next.

  "Just exactly six feet," the carpenter replied.

  "Now wait, John, that's just foolish for the lack of sense. Ain't no mortal man on this earth exactly six feet tall."

  "I'm saying what the stranger said."

  "But the only one who was exactly six feet—"

  "Hold your tater while I tell about it."

  "I relish that song you were whistling, Mr. Carpenter," said Little Anse. "I know the words, some of them." And he sang a verse of it:

  I was a powerful sinner,

  I sinned both night and day,

  Until I heard the preacher,

  And he taught me how to pray:

  Little Anse went on with part of the chorus:

  Go tell it on the mountain,

  Tell it on the hills and everywhere—

  "Can I help you?"

  "You could hand me my tools."

  "I'll be proud to."

  By then they felt as good friends as if they'd been knowing each other long years. Little Anse sat by the tool chest and searched out the tools as the carpenter wanted them. There was a tale to go with each one.

  Like this: "Let me have the saw."

  As he used it, the carpenter would explain how, before ary man knew a saw's use there was a saw-shape in the shark's mouth down in the ocean sea, with teeth lined up like a saw's teeth; which may help show why some folks claim animals were wise before folks were.

  "Now give me the hammer, Little Anse."

  While he pounded, the carpenter told of a nation of folks in Europe, that used to believe in somebody named Thor, who could throw his hammer across mountains and knock out thunder and lightning.

  And he talked about what folks believe about wood. How some of them knock on wood, to keep off bad luck. How the ancient folks, lifetimes back, thought spirits lived in trees, good spirits in one tree and bad spirits in another. And a staff of white thorn is supposed to scare out evil.

  "Are those things true, Mr. Carpenter?"

  "Well, folks took them for truth once. There must be some truth in every belief, to get it started."

  "An outlander stopped here once, with a prayer book. He read to me from it, about how Satan overcame because of the wood. What did he mean, Mr. Carpenter?"

  "He must have meant the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden," said the carpenter. "You know how Adam and Eve ate of the tree when Satan tempted them?"

  "Reckon I do," Little Anse replied him, for, with not much else to do, he'd read the Book a many times.

  "There's more to that outlander's prayer," the carpenter added on. "If Satan overcame by the wood, he can also be overcome by the wood."

  "That must mean another kind of tree, Mr. Carpenter."

  "Yes, of course. Another kind."

  Little Anse was as happy as a dog at a fish fry. It was like school, only in school you get wishing the bell would ring and turn you loose. Little Anse didn't want to be anywhere but just there, handing the tools and hearing the talk.

  "How come you know so much?" he asked the carpenter.

  "I travel lots in my work, Little Anse. That's a nice thing about it."

  Little Anse looked over to Mr. Troy Holcomb's. "You know," he said, "I don't agree in my mind that Mr. Troy's a witch." He looked again. "If he had power, he'd have long ago cured my legs. He's a nice old man, for all he and my daddy fussed between themselves."

  "You ever tell your daddy that?"

  "He won't listen. You near-about through?"

  "All through, Little Anse."

  It was getting on for supper time. The carpenter packed up his tools and started with Little Anse toward the house. Moving slow, the way you do with a cripple along, they hadn't gone more than a few yards when they met Mr. Absalom.

  "Finished up, are you?" asked Mr. Absalom, and looked. "Well, bless us and keep us all" he yelled.

  "Don't you call that a good bridge, daddy?" Little Anse asked.

  For the carpenter had driven some posts straight up in the ditch, and spiked on others like cross timbers. On those he'd laid a bridge floor from side to side. It wasn't fancy, but it looked solid to last till the Day of Judgment, mending the cutoff of the path.

  "I told you I wanted—" Mr. Absalom began to say.

  He stopped. For Mr. Troy Holcomb came across the bridge.

  Mr. Troy's a low-built little man, with a white hangdown moustache and a face as brown as old harness leather. He came over and stopped and put out his skinny hand, and it shook like in a wind.

  "Absalom," he said, choking in his throat, "you don't know how I been wanting this chance to ask your humble pardon."

  Then Mr. Absalom all of a sudden reached and took that skinny hand in his big one.

  "You made me so savage mad, saying I was a witch-man," Mr. Troy said. "If you'd let me talk, I'd have told you the blight was in my downhill corn, too. It only just spared the uphill patches. You can come and look—"

  "Troy, I don't need to look," Mr. Absalom made out to reply him. "Your word's as good to me as the yellow gold. I never rightly thought you did any witch-stuff, not even when I said it to you."

  "I'm so dog-sorry I dug this ditch," Mr. Troy went on. "I hated it, right when I had the spade in my hand. Ain't my nature to be spiteful, Absalom."

  "No, Troy, Ain't no drop of spite blood in you."

  "But you built this bridge, Absalom, to show you never favored my cutting you off from me—"

  Mr. Troy stopped talking, and wiped his brown face with the hand Mr. Absalom didn't have hold of.

  "Troy," said Mr. Absalom, "I'm just as glad as you are about all this. But don't credit me with that bridge-idea. This carpenter here, he thought it up."

  "And now I'll be going," spoke up the carpenter in his gentle way.

  They both looked on him. He'd hoisted his tool chest up on his shoulder again, and he smiled at them, and down at Little Anse. He put his hand on Little Anse's head, just half a second long.

  "Fling away those crutches," he said. "You don't need them now."

  All at once, Little Anse flung the crutches away, left and right. He stood up straight and strong. Fast as any boy ever ran on this earth, he ran to his daddy.

  The carpenter was gone. The place he'd been at was empty.

  But, looking where he'd been, they weren't frightened, the way they'd be at a haunt or devil-thing. Because they all of a sudden all three knew Who the carpenter was and how He's always with us, the way He promised in t
he far-back times; and how He'll do ary sort of job, if it can bring peace on earth and good will to men, among nations or just among neighbors.

  It was Little Anse who remembered the whole chorus of the song—

  "Shoo, John, I know that song! We sung it last night at church for Christmas Eve!"

  "I know it too, John!"

  "Me! Me too!"

  "All right then, why don't you children join in and help me sing it?"

  Go tell it on the mountain,

  Tell it on the hills and everywhere,

  Go tell it on the mountain

  That Jesus Christ was born!

  Ramsey Campbell

  CALLING CARD

  DOROTHY HARRIS STEPPED off the pavement and into her hall. As she stooped groaning to pick up the envelopes the front door opened, a yawn that wouldn’t be suppressed. She wrestled it shut — she must ask Simon to see to it, though certainly not over Christmas — then she began to open the cards.

  Here was Father Christmas, and here he was again, apparently after dieting. Here was a robin like a rosy apple with a beak, and here was an envelope whose handwriting staggered: Simon’s and Margery’s children, perhaps?

  The card showed a church on a snowy hill. The hill was bare except for a smudge of ink. Though the card was unsigned, there was writing within. A Very Happy Christmas And A Prosperous New Year, the message should have said — but now it said A Very Harried Christmas And No New Year. She turned back to the picture, her hands shaking. It wasn’t just a smudge of ink; someone had drawn a smeary cross on the hill: a grave.

  Though the name on the envelope was a watery blur, the address was certainly hers. Suddenly the house — the kitchen and living room, the two bedrooms with her memories stacked neatly against the walls — seemed far too large and dim. Without moving from the front door she phoned Margery.

  “Is it Grandma?” Margery had to hush the children while she said, “You come as soon as you like, mummy.”