by J. S. Cooper
I knew the feeling because I felt it now sometimes. Late at night. When he was sleeping and gone from the conscious world. Then I would just stare at his face. I’d marvel at how handsome he was. I’d think about how I just wanted to touch his face softly, and how I wanted to run my hands through his hair. It wasn’t even in a sexual way. It was just that touching him, being with him, provided me with something so innate, so filling that it was all I craved.
But I didn’t touch him, because I didn’t have that right. Yes, we were sleeping together. Yes, he and I were closer than we’d ever been before, but it was all superficial and sexual. It wasn’t deep. It wasn’t a loving, adoring relationship. It wasn’t what I craved and wanted with all my heart. I wasn’t able to just touch him when I wanted. I knew that. I knew that we weren’t there and that’s what kept me up at night. That’s what made me sometimes stop suddenly, my heart growing cold, my stomach feeling fearful, and my head feeling heavy. TJ wasn’t mine. He might never be mine and I didn’t know if I could live with that.
“So, what did you say?” Sally interrupted my slightly depressing thoughts and I turned to her with a smile.
“I told him there is no way in hell he’s getting any photos of me in any dresses. I’m not Julia Roberts and this isn’t Pretty Woman.”
“Mila.” Sally laughed and linked arms with me. “You’re too much, you know that?”
“Yes.” I giggled. “This store looks nice. Hopefully they have something that will fit me and make me look fabulous.”
“I guarantee you will look fabulous.” Sally grinned as we walked into the very expensive-looking boutique.
“And sexy.” I laughed.
“You always look sexy.” Sally winked at me and then purred like a cat. I burst out laughing and then tried to quiet my laughter as I noticed two of the sales ladies staring at us like we were something the cat had dragged in from the alleyway. Something not entirely welcome.
“Can we help you?” A slightly older lady with perfectly coiffed blond hair approached us with a thin smile.
“We’re just looking at dresses.” Sally smiled back confidently and flicked her hair back. “My friend is going to an important party tonight so she wants to make sure that she has a dress worthy of the occasion.”
“Oh, well, we can definitely help.” The lady’s eyes fell to me and I could see that she was sizing me up. “Our dresses are very expensive, ma’am.” She looked at me in the eyes and I knew she was thinking that my Target and Ross bargain clothes had not impressed her. “There’s a T.J. Maxx up the street.” She continued as she stared at me. “It might be a bit more affordable.”
“I think we’ll still have a look,” Sally said, her voice loud as she looked at the lady dismissively. “Thanks for your help.”
“We should leave,” I whispered at Sally. “She’s a bitch.”
“Forget her.” Sally shook her head. “All the sales ladies in these places are bitches. Our goal is to get you a hot dress. We have to ignore them.”
“I guess.” I sighed and made a face. “I just really don’t feel good about giving her money.”
“If we buy a dress here, we’ll ask for the owner’s name and then send a scathing letter, okay?” Sally grinned at me. “That way, while she might get some commission, she’ll still get in some trouble.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “Deal.” I looked around the store and my eyes grew wide at the ample assortment of evening dresses. “I don’t know how we’re going to choose a dress.” I made a face. “I don’t even think half of these will fit me. They all look like size zero.”
“Many are size zero because they are straight from the designer,” Sally said, nodding in agreement. “But there will be many that aren’t. And tonight, we’re going to have you in a long red dress, with a plunging neckline and a high slit up the legs.”
“Whoa, what?” My eyes nearly bulged out. “That sounds a bit much.”
“You need to be a bit much.” Sally raised an eyebrow at me. “This is TJ, remember? The love of your life. You want him to want you more than anything else in the world, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but not just for sex. I want him to want me for my mind and my body. I want him to think he can’t live without me.”
“This is step one,” Sally said. “Guys think with their small heads first. You need him to be obsessing over you and wanting you in his bed at all times. Then he’ll start to realize just how much you mean to him in every area of his life.”
“I guess,” I sighed. “I just don’t know if TJ will ever feel that way about me. He’s not the guy I thought he was, you know? He seems more damaged than I thought. A bit darker and deeper, not just the joker I always thought.”
“He’s dark because he’s into kinky sex, Mila.” She laughed, but I shook my head at her as our eyes caught.
“No, it’s more than that. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s more than that.” I sighed. “But who knows? Maybe I’m imagining it. Maybe it’s not anything other than what I want to think and believe.” I paused as I heard my phone beeping. I looked down and saw TJ’s name on the screen and ignored it. I didn’t need his playful teasing right now. Not when I was already so confused about everything.
“Stop overthinking everything, Mila.” Sally gave me a pointed look. “I know you over-analyze everything and sometimes that is good, but this is not one of those situations. Just let it go where it goes.”
“I guess so. That’s hard, though.”
“I know.” She nodded. “But life is hard. No one ever said it was going to be easy.”
“I want it to be easy.” I moaned. “I want him to just wake up and say, Mila, I love you, let’s make this real.”
“Maybe he will,” Sally said softly, her eyes on mine. “And maybe he won’t. But don’t live out your days waiting for that. Enjoy whatever you have now. It’s good now, or at least good enough, right?”
“Yeah,” I said softly. “It’s good enough. It’s more than I thought I would have with him.”
“Then enjoy.” Sally walked away from me then and up to a dress rack. “Now stop thinking and start looking. We need to get you a dress that’s going to blow TJ away.”
“Yeah, that would be nice,” I agreed and walked over to a display next to her and started thumbing through the dresses, though I wasn’t really seeing them. All I was thinking about was the look I hoped to see on TJ’s face when he saw me. I wanted his eyes to widen. I wanted him to look impressed, taken aback. I wanted his eyes to rove all over my body and not want to look away. I wanted him to want me more than he’d ever wanted anyone in the world. I wanted him to look at me as if I were the last person in the world. I wanted him to think I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Not that I was or would ever be. There were far more beautiful women out there, but I wanted TJ to look at me as if I were one of them.
I wanted time to stand still. I got shivers just thinking about it. And then I started to feel teary-eyed again because I knew it would never happen. TJ would never look at me as if I were that special someone. I couldn’t imagine it. As much as I wanted it, I just couldn’t see it happening.
“Ooh, what about this?” Sally held up a dress to show me. It was short, black and the top was made of some sort of transparent lace.
“Sally, people will see my bra or my breasts.” I shook my head. “I don’t want them seeing either.”
“Fine.” She grinned and put it back on the rack. “Though, it’s a fucking sexy dress.”
“That it is.” I laughed and continued looking through the dresses. My hand stopped on a long cream dress with pearls running along the neckline. “What about this?” I asked Sally and held the dress up.
“Are you a grandma going to prom?” Sally made a face. “No way, that’s not sexy at all.”
“Fine.” I laughed and kept thumbing through the dresses. My hand stopped on a delicate, sexy black dress with a lace back and a long slit. “What about this?” I said breathlessly as I hel
d it up for her to see.
“Wow.” Sally’s eyes widened as she glanced at the dress in my hand. “That’s hot.”
“You don’t think it’s too much?”
“Is there such a thing as too much?”
“Yes,” I laughed. “There is definitely such a thing as too much. I don’t want to be the skank at the party.”
“You, my dear, could never be a skank.”
“Yes, I could.” I laughed and then looked at the dress again. “But I’m still going to try it on.” I smiled at her. “Maybe it will go right up to the ho line but not pass it.”
“That’s a fine line.” Sally laughed and we grinned at each other, both of our worries forgotten in that moment as we shopped.
“Thanks for coming with me, Sally. It really means a lot to me.”
“Shh.” She rolled her eyes and pushed me. “Don’t get emotional. Just go and change and let me see how hot you look.”
“Fine.” I grinned and looked around for a dressing room. “I hope it looks good,” I said as I walked towards the back of the store.
“It will look great, and if it doesn’t, there are plenty more dresses to try on.”
“I know,” I said, though I knew I would feel disappointed if the dress in my hands didn’t look good. I’d only seen it for a few seconds, but I was already drawn to it. It was intricate and pretty and I loved the look of it. I just hoped that it would look good on me.
I walked into the dressing room and pulled the curtain, hanging the dress on a hanger carefully before setting my bag down. I started to take off my clothes slowly, staring at myself in the mirror as I did so. I paused for a few seconds and just stared at my face up close. I wasn’t sure what it was about dressing room mirrors, but they always seemed so much clearer than my mirrors at home. I suppose it had to do with the lighting in the dressing room.
I stared into my brown eyes and then at my lashes, still slightly tinged with black mascara that I hadn’t gotten off. I had some small lines around my eyes and slightly darker bags. I wrinkled my nose as I stared at the lines and tried not to sigh. I stared at my cheeks, seeing that my skin looked smooth, except for a few freckles, and I smiled at myself and then rolled my eyes at how idiotic I was to be smiling at myself in a dressing-room mirror.
I pulled my top off and my jeans down and studied my body. My bra looked old and funky, though I was happy at the fact that my boobs looked luscious. I then looked at my stomach and grimaced. There was definitely no six-pack there or even a faint glimmering of abs. I needed to work on that. TJ had such a perfect body and I wanted to be able to match that. Maybe that would make him want me more. My eyes fell farther, to my thighs and calves, and I turned to the side to check out my ass. It was still pretty flat, but was a bit more pert than usual, thanks to all my squats. Overall, I was pleased with what I saw, if not ecstatic. I shook my head at myself and then reached over to grab the dress off of the hanger, when I suddenly froze. I’d heard a deep, familiar-sounding voice, and my body started shaking. It couldn’t be, could it?
“Mila?” TJ’s deep voice echoed through the store and my face grew heated. How was TJ here?
“TJ, what are you doing here?” Sally asked, surprised. I’m sure she was wondering how he was here as well.
“Where’s Mila?” TJ sounded annoyed.
“She’s in the changing room,” Sally said, her voice stiff. “What are you doing here?”
“I told Mila I wanted to see the dresses.”
“I thought she told you no.”
“So?” he said in an amused tone, his voice coming closer. “Mila, you there?”
I opened my mouth, but no words would come out. I was in shock.
“Mila?” His voice came closer.
“TJ?” I squeaked out finally. “What are you doing here?”
“I texted you and you didn’t respond,” he said accusingly from right outside my room.
“I was busy,” I said defensively.
“I figured.”
“How did you know where I was?”
“What?” TJ said slowly.
“How did you know where I was? I didn’t tell you.”
“I shared your location.”
“What?” I frowned, not understanding him. “What does that mean?”
“I went into your phone and shared your location with my number,” he said matter-of-factly, as if there were nothing wrong with that. “I wanted to make sure I could—”
“SPY ON ME?” I shouted, interrupting him. “How dare you?”
“I just wanted to make sure you were safe and that I could find you if anything happened.” He sounded sheepish now.
“If what happened, TJ?” I was annoyed.
“I don’t know.”
“Did you share your location with me as well?” I asked softly, though I already knew the answer.
“I didn’t think about it,” he said after a few seconds. “Sorry, I should have done that as well.”
“Yeah, sure, that’s the reason why I'm upset. Not. TJ, you can’t just go into my phone and share my location without even asking me.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, his tone unreadable. I wasn’t sure if he was really sorry or if he was just saying that.
“Sure you are.” I shook my head from inside my dressing room. “Anyway, what can I do for you, TJ?”
“I came to see your dress choices.”
“I told you that I didn’t want to show them to you.”
“I thought that was just via text. I thought, in person, you’d be happy to show me.”
“TJ, don’t you have work to do?”
“I always have work to do, but I wanted to make time to see you,” he said softly. “I’ve been thinking about you all day. I thought it would be romantic of me to come down and see you during the day. Don’t you girls like romantic gestures?”
“I guess.” I bit down on my lower lip. What did that mean? Why was he trying to be romantic? Was he falling for me, after all?
“So can I see you in at least one dress?”
“Fine,” I sighed. “Hold on, I’m putting one on right now.”
“I’m waiting,” he said, his tone lighter now—happy, even. I was itching to see his face and his smile, but I wasn’t about to open the curtain while I was still in my underwear.
“Hold on,” I said as I slipped the dress over my head and sucked my breath in to pull it down. I paused as I pressed my breasts in with one hand and continued to pull the dress down. I was praying to God that the material wouldn’t rip. That would be all that I needed.
“Mila?” TJ sounded impatient.
“TJ,” I said, annoyed, as I sucked in my stomach so that the material could go down. When it got to my hips, I paused, as I wasn’t sure if I could get it all the way down. I shimmied back and forth and then stood still, pulling the material down my legs. Then I looked in the mirror and started grinning at my reflection. The dress looked amazing and, even though it was tight, it held me in in all the right places and made my body look a lot tighter and fitter than it was. I just stared at my reflection for a few seconds before a feeling of shyness overwhelmed me. What if TJ didn’t like it? What if he didn’t think I looked amazing? What if—?
“Mila, is it on yet?” TJ said, his voice lower. In response, I opened the curtain and gave him a small glare to show him that I was angry at his impatience. “Ooh,” he said as he stared at me, his eyes widening and a slow grin spreading over his face before he gave a loud whistle. “Worth the wait.” He grinned, his eyes travelling down my body and stopping at the long slit that went up the legs. “Definitely worth the wait.”
“Let me see you, Mila.” Sally hurried over and her eyes also widened as she glanced at me. “Wow, you’re hot.”
“Yes, she is,” TJ said in response as I just stood there, grinning like a fool, feeling more flattered than I’d ever felt in my life.
“Now, you just need to get some heels,” Sally said with a grin. “Some new heels to match the d
ress.”
“I have heels.” I shook my head at Sally. I wasn’t going to go crazy with TJ’s credit card.
“Not that match that dress,” Sally said and grabbed my hand. “Turn around,” She said as she spun me in a circle. “Wow, the back is gorgeous as well,” Sally said and she nodded at me as I faced her again. “Great pick.”
“The dress is amazing,” TJ said softly, his eyes searching mine for a few seconds as I looked at him. “Almost as amazing as you.”
“Thank you,” I said, my heart racing at his words. What did they mean? Was he really falling for me?
“I’m proud to call you my fake fiancée,” he said, his eyes moving away. “I couldn’t have picked anyone better for the role.”
“Thanks,” I said, my smile falling slightly. Was he answering my unasked question? Was he putting me in my place in case I got any other ideas?
“You look really gorgeous, Mila. Simply beautiful,” he said, looking back at me, his expression slightly bewildered. “I should go,” he said and took a step back.
“Go?” I asked, looking at him in confusion. “You just got here.” I laughed at him, feeling slightly uncomfortable.
“And I see you’re in good hands.” He looked at Sally and then back at me, before taking a quick step towards me. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and then just stared into my eyes for a few seconds before giving me the most beguiling smile. “I’m going to go back to work now.”
“Okay,” I said, feeling breathless as I smiled back at him. “I’ll see you tonight?”
“I’ll pick you up at seven,” he said, his eyes becoming closed off again. “Don’t eat.”
“Okay,” I said again and just nodded and watched him as he walked out of the store. Then I turned to Sally. “I’m not sure what just happened there.” I looked at her with wide, confused eyes.
“He likes you.” She smiled at me, but I could see that she looked dazed as well. “He’s a crazy, psycho stalker, but I think he might have real feelings for you.”
