by J. S. Cooper
“Come, Mila. Let’s go in the living room.”
“His blood’s still on the bathtub.” I just stared at him wailing. “I didn’t even know he was sick.”
“He didn’t tell any of us, Mila.” Cody held me close. “We didn’t know. He had cancer. He’s had it for a while.”
“He’d tell me.” I screamed. “He’d tell me because he loves me. I mean the world to him. He would never keep a secret from me. “He loved me.” I whispered, my body shaking as Cody held me. “How could he die and not tell me?” I muttered into his chest as I sobbed. We sat there for what seemed like hours and then I stood up and walked into the living room. I tried to smile. I tried to feel happy for the life that he’d had, but I couldn’t. I sat down on the couch and waited for Cody to walk into the living room behind me.
“I want to see Nonno.” I said quietly. “I want to see him.”
“Not today.” He shook his head. “He split his head open when he fell. Mom and dad want him taken care of properly before you see him.”
“I want to see him.” I said louder. “I need to see him, Cody.”
“I know you want to see him.” He walked over to me. “But you don’t want to see him like this, Mila. You want to see him as the man that you know and remember. He wants you to see him as the man he was.”
“How could he leave me?” I chewed on my lower lip. “He wasn’t supposed to die. Not now, not with me not even knowing. Not with me not even being there. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn’t even get to tell him about me and TJ.” I chewed on my lower lip as I thought about TJ. It almost felt wrong to be so happy about TJ when I was so distraught over Nonno.
“What about you and TJ?” Cody asked, his eyes narrowing.
“It doesn’t matter.” I shook my head. “But we’re in love, really in love.”
“Finally.” Cody said with a smile. “It took him a while to figure it out.”
“Yeah.” I sighed and then looked at Nonno’s photo album on the table and picked it up. “I guess he’s with Nonna now.”
“They’re dancing around in heaven looking down at us.” Cody said as I opened the photo album and we started looking at the photos of Nonno and Nonna and other family members.
“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.” I said, tears pouring from my eyes. “I’m going to miss him so much.”
“He loved you with everything, Mila. He’ll always be here you know.” Cody said and rubbed my back. “He’ll always be here, protecting us, like a guardian angel.”
“I don’t want him to be my guardian angel.” I sobbed. “I just want him to be my nonno.”
***
“TJ.” I answered the phone, crying.
“Oh Mila.” He sounded anguished. “I just heard the news. I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t believe he’s gone, TJ. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t believe it. I don’t know how I can survive.”
“He fought the cancer as hard as he could, Mila. He’s tried his hardest. He didn’t want to hurt you.” TJ’s voice was sympathetic. “Where are you? Let me come and be with you. Let me hold your hand. Cry on my shoulder. I want to be there for you.”
“How did you know he had cancer?” I asked softly. “And how do you know he fought his hardest.” My heart felt cold as I waited for his answer.
“Mila.” He said, his voice breaking.
“TJ, answer me.
“Mila, let me come and see you please.”
“Did you know he was dying?” I asked, my voice in my throat. “Did you know Nonno was dying and you didn’t tell me.”
“He promised me not to say anything. He didn’t want you living with that fear and dread. He didn’t want you to know. He thought the wait would kill you. He thought it would be agony.”
“You promised, no more secrets. We promised each other to only tell the truth. You promised me, TJ.”
“I couldn’t tell you, Mila. I just couldn’t.”
“I loved him more than anything in the world. You knew that. He died while we were away. I wasn’t even here to be with him. I’ve barely seen him the last month because of you and you knew he was dying.”
“Mila, I tried to get you to see him. I wanted to tell you, but Nonno, he didn’t want you to know.”
“How could you keep that from me, TJ?”
“I love you, Mila. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You don’t know what love is, TJ. You lied to me again. You have ripped my heart out. I have lost the only man that has loved me more than life itself. How could you do this to me?” And then I threw my phone across the room and watched as it hit the wall and fell to the ground and exploded into a million pieces, just like my heart.
Chapter Fifteen
Mila
The beat of my heart was in perfect symmetry to the sound of the beat of the drum on the radio. I stood there, standing in my room, in the darkness and pressed my hands together. A small cry fell from my lips as TJ’s face passed through my mind. I closed my eyes to try and banish his face from my thoughts, but that didn’t help. I could only see it bigger, brighter, clearer. I opened my eyes again and walked to my bed slowly. I collapsed down onto the sheets, praying that sleep would take me right away, but of course I wasn’t to be so lucky. Emptiness filled me. My heart felt hollow like the inside of the huge conch shell Nonno and I had found on the beach when I was younger. I looked over to the shelf to the right of the bed to stare at the shell that I still treasure so that I could concentrate on something other than TJ. That didn’t help. I cried out again as TJ’s bright green eyes flashed in my mind and all I could see was the warmth of his smile from a few dayss ago. My TJ. Oh how I loved this man. Every single inch of him. I just wanted to reach out and touch him, I needed to feel him, wanted that contact. Just one last time. My body shivered on the bed as I lay there alone, tired, weary, cried out. My heart started to pound as I realized that I could quite possibly die like this. All alone. Heartbroken. More tired than I’d ever felt in my life. My life seemed pointless and hopeless. Life was so incredibly unfair. Why hadn’t he loved me enough to tell me about Nonno? Why didn’t he care? Couldn’t he see that we were made for each other? Couldn’t he see that my heart beat for him? Couldn’t he see how strong I was? I found my eyes gently closing as my sobs started up again. I grabbed my pillow and held it close to me, imagining it was him. The pain shot through my body as I lay there and a feeling of nausea rose through me. I wasn’t going to be okay. Nothing was ever going to be okay again. My heart had shattered into a million pieces and TJ Walker, my soulmate, didn’t even seem to care that he was partially responsible, by not telling me that my Nonno was dying.
***
"I don't think I have a heart anymore. I can't feel it beating. I can't hear it ticking. I think it's left my body." I sobbed to Sally as she sat on my bed and held me. "I don't think I'm going to be okay ever again. I can barely breathe. I can't think. I just want to die."
"Oh Mila. It's okay. It's going to be okay."
"It's not going to be okay." I cried, my stomach feeling more empty than it ever had. I looked up at her bleakly. "I feel like I mean nothing. I'm nothing. I'm invisible."
"You're not invisible."
"And yet I am. I don't matter."
"You do matter, Mila, you're scaring me."
"I'm sorry, I don't even know what to say. I lost Nonno and the one person I ever really and truly loved has ripped my heart to pieces."
"TJ didn't mean..."
"I can't even hear his name." I sobbed. "I can't even think about him without the pain burning me up inside. I hate him so much. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. "
"Oh Mila."
"I'm not waiting for him. I'm not crying for him. I'm not thinking of him. I don't love him. I don't love him." Then the tears started streaming even more. "Oh God, I love him so much it hurts."
“Call him, Mila.” Sally looked down at me with a worried expression. “Call him and
let him know how you feel.”
“I don’t know how I feel.”
“Just speak to him.”
“Okay.” I nodded finally and grabbed my phone and waited for him to answer.
“Mila?” He asked hopefully and for a second my heart beat just a little bit faster as I heard his voice. Then I quickly banished my momentary happiness.
"We could have had it all." I said not saying anything else.
"Or we could have had nothing." TJ's voice was sad.
"I loved you."
"Loved? I thought love never died."
"It died."
"So then, maybe it wasn't love."
"You're an ass."
"I'm just saying how it is. If you loved me, past tense, then maybe it wasn't really love."
"Yeah, maybe it wasn't."
"Just lust."
"You wish."
"Infatuation then."
"Yeah, that's it."
"Obsession."
"I'm not obsessed."
"Maybe I was."
"You were?"
"Maybe."
"I see."
"Maybe it hurt too much."
"Being obsessed hurt?"
"No."
"Then what?"
"Being in love." His words were soft now.
"With yourself?"
"No. With someone where the thought of ever having to say goodbye was too hard to handle."
"I see."
"Do you?"
"No."
"Maybe some part of me just knew."
"Knew what?" I was annoyed now.
"It doesn't matter." He shook his head.
"Okay." I said and turned away, then looked towards Sally and smiled brightly. "I think I'm going to go now. I've things to do." My heart thudded painfully, but I didn't want him to know just how badly he'd hurt me.
"It doesn't die." He said softly, his voice tinged with a light of desperation and sadness.
"What doesn't die?"
"Love. If you had really loved me, it wouldn't have died." He paused and I stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity before turning back to the phone. “I wanted to tell you about Nonno, Mila. I really did. I regret it more than anything. But I can’t take it back. Please don’t give up on me. This is what I was afraid of. This is why I didn’t want to love you. This is why I didn’t want to let you in. I was scared something like this would happen and you would just walk away. I was scared you’d just give up on us. If you really loved me, you would understand Mila. You’d know that this was something I couldn’t give you. Not without betraying, Nonno. You have to grow up, Mila. You have to understand that you’ll be okay. I know you might not love me anymore, but we can still try.” He was silent then and so was I. It was in that moment that I gave up on him, on us, on everything I'd seen in my mind’s eye. It was in that moment that I knew that he could never be my one. He, who had turned my world around, didn't get me, didn't understand me, didn't realize that after all these years, he was everything to me. He didn’t understand that my love was forever. He couldn’t comprehend that I would never not love him anymore. But I knew that I had to try. The end had come before the beginning and I was finally ready to let go.
Chapter Sixteen
TJ
Dear TJ,
Do you remember the day that you asked me to never forget you? A simple request. I didn't think much of it. We were young then. "Never forget me you said", your eyes bright and hopeful. "Of course, I'd never forget you," I said, as I giggled. I've never imagined a time when you wouldn't be in my mind. How could I forget the boy that meant so much to me? This was even before I knew what that feeling was. How could I ever forget the man whose smiles and frowns turned my heart upside down? I thought I'd go to my grave waiting for you, if that was how long it took, such was my love.
I gave up today. The pain is too much. My heart is too sore. I can't wait anymore. I don't want to keep falling falling falling into your abyss of a soul. I don't want to remember you. I don't want to see your smiles for anyone, but me. It drives me crazy, wanting you so badly, but not being able to tell you, not being able to love you. I never imagined a longing so cutting, an aching so unfamiliar. I never knew what it was to feel brokeninpieces. When you look into my eyes and smile, it still lights up my heart. It still makes me feel like I'm special. How I wish that were true.
So I'm sorry, I can't honor my promise. I can't never forget you. I can't do this anymore.
Mila
Dear Mila,
You were wearing a white shirt with a green cardigan. Your hair was pulled back, slightly messy. You had on a soft pink lipstick, light mascara. You were excited because you were going to a concert the next day with Sally and you had good seats. You were dancing around the living room with a water bottle singing along to some horrible Top 40 song. You stopped abruptly when you saw me standing there watching you. And then you started laughing. And then I started laughing and you threw a couch cushion at me for laughing at you. Even though, I told you I was laughing with you. Your eyes narrowed and you glared at me and I laughed some more, my eyes on your lips, wondering for the briefest of seconds what it would be like to kiss you. Then you walked closer to me and hit me in the shoulder and I moved back abruptly, slightly uncomfortable at the touch. Not because I didn't like you, but because it made me feel something electrifying. A wave of worry and disappointment crossed your features for the briefest of seconds when I stepped back. And I knew I'd hurt you. And I hated that. I then reached over, brushed a wisp of hair from in front of your eyes and you grinned at me. And in that moment, in that moment, I knew you were someone special. And I said to you, "Promise me that you'll never forget me and that we'll always be friends." I said that "if anything ever happens to us and we are ever split by a continent or some unknown situation, I want you to always remember me and to wait, to wait for me to find you, because I would always find you and I would always remember you." And you smiled at me happily and said, "of course, you'd never forget me." And my heart beat then, for what felt like the first time. And I knew that in that moment, I would do anything to keep you in my memory. in my heart. In my soul.
So yes, dear Mila, I remember that moment. I remember every moment. I know it seems like I've for an abyss of a soul, but I don't. The hardest part of being me is holding back from you when all I want to do is hold you close for an eternity.
You don't have to honor your promise, but I'll always be here. I'll always remember you and I'll always be here waiting. Waiting for the day when it doesn't have to be this hard.
TJ
Chapter Seventeen
TJ
Two Weeks Later
My heart was racing as I made my way over to Cody’s house. He’d told me to come over. He told me that Mila knew I was coming. And yet, I was still unsure and uncertain as to her reaction towards me. What would she say? How would she feel? She’d never responded to my letter. And I hadn’t wanted to harass her and bombard her with calls and texts. I was dying to see her. Dying to hear from her, but I knew I’d fucked up. I knew I hadn’t been the man she’d needed and now I had to be patient.
I rushed up the stairs to Cody’s house and pounded on the door, anxiety killing me.
“Hey,” Mila answered the door, her brown eyes friendly but hesitant.
“Hey.” I said, my throat dry. I didn’t know what to say. She was here, in front of me, as beautiful as ever. “Cody invited me over.”
“I know.” She nodded. “He’s not here.” She ushered me in. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh?” I said, my body turning cold. “Why?”
“Because there’s something—”
“Wait.” I held my hand up. “Before you say anything, I need to talk to you.”
“Okay.” She frowned. “Go ahead.”
“I wrote this for you.” I cleared my throat and started to recite the poem I’d written. “I loved you for a million years.
And then I met you.
And my love for you was more than my heart.
My heart was more than my soul.
My soul was more than the universe.
The universe was less than my love.
I loved you then.
I love you now.
I love you forever.
Til death do us part.
And then I’ll love you for a million years more.”
She just stared at me in silence and I cleared my throat.
“I wrote it because a long time ago, you said your perfect men, your soulmate, he would write you love poems. And I wanted to prove to you that I’m your soulmate. Your fated destiny. The one you’ve been waiting for. The one that was made for you. I know I’m an idiot and an asshole. And I know I have a lot to learn. And I’m not perfect and maybe sometimes I don’t act like that guy, but I’m him. I want you to know that I’m him. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you that I’m him. Can I spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you and want to be with you?” I paused and stared at Mila’s face, my breath coming fast. “Say something, please?”
“I love you, TJ Walker.” Her eyes were brimming with tears. “These are happy tears by the way. I love you so much, you don’t even know. You are already my perfect man. You will always be my perfect man.”
“Are you just saying that?” I said, knowing I would break something, if she said yes.
“No.” She grinned and stepped towards me and gave me a kiss. “Nonno left me a letter. He told me off.” She laughed. “He wrote that he knew I would be pissed at you and most probably would stop talking to you. He said he knew I would think you didn’t love or trust me enough. He told me that I should be proud to be with a man that loved and respected him enough to uphold his promise. He said that I shouldn’t be an idiot and I should be grateful to him for getting us to together and to not mess it up.” She laughed and touched my face. “I laughed and I cried reading his letter. Oh TJ, I still hurt so much, but I need you to know. I want you to know. I love you more than anything. I always have. I always will. You are my everything. Nothing can ever part us. You know that right?”
