My brow furrowed in confusion, or possibly disbelief. Her matter-of-fact attitude reared its head at the oddest times and always threw me for a loop. When things seemed most cumbersome, that was when Annie rose from the ashes and blew everyone away. That was her coping mechanism. Just before I answered her, the knock on the door saved me from myself.
Dr. Matthews peaked his head around the door. “Knock, knock.” He didn’t wait for us to respond further before inviting himself in.
He took a seat and handled business. The poor man answered the countless questions Annie threw at him but never flinched. Honest and direct, he gave her the information she asked for, but he was kind. When he left at the end of a lengthy discussion, I expected an emotional breakdown, and tears at the very minimum, but instead, Annie wanted to talk about options.
“What are your thoughts? Do you want to keep trying? Or do you want to consider adoption?”
She was firing questions in rapid succession.
“I’ve never really thought about adoption, but there are lots of kids who need good homes. We’d be good parents, don’t you think? We have a nice house. Make good money. Surely we wouldn’t have a hard time getting a child.”
Her rambling thoughts were coming out so quickly, I wondered when she’d stop to take a breath.
“What do you think about international adoption? Lots of people adopt from Romania. They still have orphanages there, did you know that?” She spoke as though she was auctioning off her thoughts to the highest bidder at the fastest pace.
“Annie.”
“I can’t imagine children in an orphanage with no one to love them or give them attention. That would be horrible. Do you know what a lack of touch does to an infant?”
“Annie.”
“Don’t nuns run those types of places, or is that just in movies?”
“Annie!”
She stopped babbling, stunned by my raised voice. “What?”
“Slow down, sweetheart. We don’t have to make any decisions today. Take some time to process what Dr. Matthews said.”
“What’s to process, Brett?”
Surely, she wouldn’t force me to say the words aloud. My eyes were wide in disbelief.
“Well? Do you need me to spell it out for you?”
I’d never heard her talk like that, not even to Gray, and she’d been short with him several times but never condescending.
“I can’t give you children, Brett. Either you face that and come up with an alternative, or accept it will just be us.” She paused before going one slap in the face further. “Or file for divorce so you can meet someone able to give you what you want.” Her right eye twitched just slightly at the corner, but other than that, not a single muscle in her face moved. Nothing gave away the pain she was hiding. Her eyes were stoic and her face hard as stone.
She was attempting to lure me in to losing my composure. Goading me to let loose the emotion she was certain I was hiding. Taunt me into abandoning her the way everyone else had. Not going to fucking happen. At least not the last part.
My feelings had gotten the best of me—I’d held in the storm that brewed, but the lightning was about to crash down. Once and for all, my wife would see just what she meant to me. I hadn’t intended to kick the chair across the room, but it flew just the same as I stood violently fast.
“Fine. I accept it. I accept it will always be just you and me. If you want to have a hysterectomy while we’re here, have at it. Hell, I’ll get a vasectomy, and we can share a room. I didn’t marry you because of the offspring you promised me. I married you because I fucking love you. My life doesn’t make sense without you in it. If God’s plan for us was never to have children—so be it! I will not destroy my marriage over children who don’t exist. But so help me God, Annie, if you tell me one more damn time that I can go file for divorce to find someone who can give me what I want—”
Before I could finish my idle threat, a nurse burst through the door.
“Mr. Ryann, I can hear you all the way down the hall. Do I need to have security escort you out?”
My chest heaved in pent up frustration. “No, I’m sorry. I’ll keep my voice down.” I waited for the door to close before I continued. “Annie, stop trying to push me away. Please. I’m not Will, and I’m damn sure not Gray. Just because we hit a bump in the road doesn’t mean I’ll bail on you. If this is the worst thing that happens to us, then we’ll be okay.”
Her walls visibly started falling before my eyes as the tears ran down her face. She needed to know she was safe and that I would be there for her. For the rest of my life, I vowed to be that for her. Her shoulders quaked as the emotion billowed from her tiny frame. She wasn’t ready to quit; she just needed to know I was ready to fight. If my wife wanted a child, somehow, someway, I’d get her one.
Chapter Six
Annie
I hadn’t been able to persuade Brett that buying a baby wasn’t an option. He had convinced himself we could simply put out feelers on the black market and have an infant next week. In his mind, with enough money, we could have whatever we wanted. While I loved his exuberance, he wouldn’t even know how to go underground if it were an option. One thing he had proven, repeatedly, was his love and devotion. It was unwavering, and regardless of how much I struggled against it, his commitment remained intact.
In the weeks following the miscarriage, I spent more time with Dr. Carthage wondering why everything was such a struggle for me. Normal people moved on, tried again, kept hoping, and considered other options. For me, there were no other options—everything was absolute and final. I wasn’t interested in adoption the more I’d thought about it, and infertility treatments just weren’t for me. We looked at in vitro, spent tons of time researching it, and even went to a specialist in Atlanta. But in the end, my heart longed for a child that was Brett and me, our DNA—the two of us in the perfect little form. Maybe somewhere along the way, I’d change my mind, but I didn’t see that happening.
I had been working part-time since the miscarriage, unable to engage back into my job. Jack and I had lengthy discussions about marriage, sacrifice, children—he had five kids he adored, and his heart broke for me. His wife likely would have disowned him had he been anything other than accommodating, but the truth was, Jack loved me like I was number six. I continued to bring in contracts that made him money, so our arrangement worked for both of us. It also enabled Brett to hover more.
He convinced me almost daily to have late lunches with him, and then I would end up sitting around talking to him, Dan, or Lynn until five o’clock rolled around. I hadn’t been up to the DC in so long it was hard to remember a time I was here daily. It was nice to see the long-term employees and spend a little time back in the throes of automotive supply. It felt good to see my work still in place years later and even more rewarding to know it had been effective. People viewed me as successful here.
What I hadn’t planned on when I took Brett lunch on Friday was running into Gray. It was like déjà vu as I stepped through the door from the parking lot and ran smack dab into a wall of solid muscle.
“Oh, crap, I’m sorry.” I hurried the words out trying to hold onto the takeout in my hand. Once I was sure the food was secure, I turned my eyes up to those haunting blues I had gotten lost in so many times before. “Gray…” Stunned by the sight before me, I tripped over my words just like the day we first met. “I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t mean—”
“Hey, Annie,” he interrupted. “What are you doing here in the middle of the day? Are you not working?”
My jeans and T-shirt should have answered that question, but he was making idle chit chat, and I wouldn’t be rude. “I’m doing the part-time thing these days. How have you been?”
Before he could answer, Lynn saved me from myself. “Hey Annie,” she shouted from across the dock. “Brett just asked me if I’d seen you. He’s back in his office.”
I offered her a sheepish look of thanks before turning back to Gra
y. “It was good to see you, but I better get going before this gets cold.” I held the bags up to confirm what I was referencing. He didn’t have to know there was nothing warm in the bag.
“You too, Bird Dog. See you around.” He winked at me thinking the nickname he had for me and his charm would have an effect, but somehow, they fell flat.
I tossed my hand up in a pitiful excuse for a wave and stepped around my ex-boyfriend in search of my husband. Gray caught my arm before I passed. My eyes met his, then looked down to where he had a hold on me, and returned to his in question. If Brett were to see Gray touching any part of me, he would lose his mind, and this would not end well.
“You look fantastic, Annie. It was great seeing you again.” His words carried more emotion than what he actually said, and so did his eyes. There was no need for him to verbalize anything. If he could make physical contact with me, his eyes told the story. And Gray was speaking volumes.
Several years back that touch would have stopped me dead in my tracks and sent my mind reeling. Today, it brought a pang of sadness. I simply gave him a meek smile, patted his hand with my own, and drifted away. Confusion plagued my thoughts as I made my way back to my husband’s office. I hated still being able to read everything Gray wanted to say. It felt like a violation of some sort…like somehow, I’d just betrayed Brett through that intimate communication. But I hadn’t initiated it; I hadn’t engaged in it; it merely happened. I couldn’t have prevented running into him; I didn’t orchestrate it or even realize it was a possibility. Yet guilt clung to me like a wet shirt.
When I reached Brett’s office door, I tried to shake off my discomfort and square my shoulders.
“Hey, sweetheart. I wondered when you’d get here. I’m starving.” Brett welcomed me with an embrace that melted away the worries of the world.
The take-out bag was still in my hand, my other arm around his waist, and I pulled back to welcome his inviting smile. “I got held up by a client this morning.”
Pushing up on my tiptoes, I gave him a quick peck hoping the connection would shake loose the crappy feeling Gray left with me. Brett let me go, evidently ready to eat, and I opened the bag taking out the salads I’d brought for both of us.
He groaned at the site of the spinach and grilled chicken. “You do realize I’m a man, not a rabbit?” His tone was playful, but I knew he was serious. He ate enough for three grown men.
I had no idea where he put it all but giggled at his slight whine. “Brett, it’s three o’clock on Friday afternoon. We’re supposed to go out with Dan and his date tonight. I didn’t think eating six cheeseburgers this late in the afternoon would be good for either of us.”
“I could easily eat again.”
I rolled my eyes and sat down opposite him at his desk. Quietly, I prepared my salad as I listened to Brett tell me about his day, but I couldn’t hold it in. Brett and I kept nothing from each other, and my not telling him about Gray seemed like a violation—a dirty secret I didn’t want to hide.
“I ran into Gray.” I was seriously lacking in eloquence. My tendency to blurt things out to rid myself of the words did nothing other than bring attention to them.
It never failed, Brett looked at me like I’d spoken a foreign language until the words settled in. This time was no different. The quizzical marking of his brow indicated his need for more information.
“Coming in the door a few minutes ago, I literally ran into him. I just wanted you to know.”
“Um, okay. He does work here.”
“I know. I just…” I didn’t have an answer for why I felt he needed to know other than it just seemed right.
“Are you worried about it?”
I shrugged. “No. Not really. I don’t know. I haven’t seen Gray since he got married. It was awkward.”
“Did he say something that upset you?” Insert protective Brett here.
“No, silly. He was nice. I just wanted you to know.”
“I’m surprised he didn’t stop you to talk.” Brett’s tone was matter-of-fact like he expected Gray to reach out.
“That would be the kiss of death. Even Gray knows better.” I stabbed at my salad and shoved a huge bite into my mouth.
“I guess Lynn hasn’t told you.” He spoke casually as though Gray was a regular topic of conversation. My friends knew not to bring him up. We’d all moved on.
“Told me what? Why am I always the last to know everything?” It hurt my feelings, and I didn’t even know what he was referencing. “Are you guys ever going to stop handling me with kid gloves?”
With a mouthful of food, he laughed and talked through the chortles. “No one’s handling you with kid gloves—it’s just insignificant. The only reason I know is because I work here, and this place is like a damn hen house—not because Gray and I had some heart-to-heart. But if it makes you feel better, you think you’re always the last to know, and I’m always burdened with telling you bad news.”
I continued shoveling salad into my mouth as fast as I could to avoid responding until he told me whatever secret or bit of news he was holding on to. Information my friends had left to Brett to impart had proven in the past not to be information I wanted to hear.
“He’s getting divorced. He was probably on his way to court when you saw him. He’s leaving early for the hearing, but I don’t know when.”
And again, Brett provided me with more knowledge I didn’t need about my ex. I stopped chewing and swallowed. “That’s horrible. What happened?” It was awful. I didn’t wish divorce on anyone much less Gray. I wanted him, no needed him to be happy. It made it easier for me knowing someone else took care of him. Not because I longed for him, but because at one point in my life I had loved him, and that’s what I want for everyone I love—happiness.
The smile on his face was almost maniacal and so unlike my husband. “From what I understand, she cheated on him and left him for one of their friends.”
“Brett, why would you smile about that? You look like you’re happy about his pain.” My brow furrowed at his cruelty. It was so uncharacteristic of the man I knew and loved.
“Because, Annie. Karma’s a bitch. He did the same thing to you. He treated you like shit. Turn-about is fair play, and he got a smidgen back of what he’s dished out. It’s vindication. I can’t believe you don’t find the slightest bit of satisfaction knowing he got what he deserved.”
I set my fork down and crossed my arms over my chest in irritation. “I’m surprised by you. Why would you ever relish in the demise of someone else’s marriage? Their life?”
His face went cold, stoic. “You’re kidding me, right? After what he did to you, you don’t feel the slightest bit of glee knowing he got what was coming to him?”
My teeth worried the inside of my mouth as I thought through what Brett had just said. A few years ago, I had wished I would get to be the one to show him what it felt like to be left behind, tossed aside, but I had never wanted anyone else to hurt him. I wanted my own quiet revenge. And even then, I hadn’t wanted to cause him pain so much as show him I had been strong enough to move on.
“No, Brett, I don’t. I wanted to show him I had found happiness. I never wanted him not to have it. The dissolution of any marriage is a time for grief, not joy. And for Gray, it’s twice as bad because it’s the second one he’s lost. Regardless of fault.” I picked up my water and took a long drink waiting for him to respond.
“You’re a better person than I am.” He stared me straight in the eye as he made his pronouncement. “Gray Dearsley doesn’t deserve happiness in a relationship. You don’t get to treat people the way he did and not have repercussions.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised by Brett’s animosity toward my ex, but part of me was. He’d always been the most loving person I’d known. He was protective of me, and he had been since the day we first connected at Wild Wings, but this demonstrated just how deep his devotion went. His entire personality changed when Gray and I were mentioned in the same sentence. He m
orphed into this dark, alpha male I didn’t recognize, and it wasn’t a man I wanted to get to know.
My brain told me to let the subject go. My heart wanting to defend Gray would do nothing for my own marriage, and in the end, my head won out. Brett wouldn’t understand my desire for Gray’s happiness, and I didn’t need it misconstrued into something it wasn’t. “So what are we doing with Dan tonight? Who’s he bringing for us to meet?”
My husband’s demeanor shifted, and a smile spread across his face. “Dinner and drinks. Nothing fancy. Dan wants to keep it low key so we can get to know her.”
I raised my eyebrows. Dan never got to know his dates, so the fact that he wanted us to was highly unusual. “Wow. Must be serious. What’s her name?”
“Melissa, I think. Lissa. He calls her Lissa.”
“How long have they been dating?” I was still in shock my husband’s best friend had a repeat date. He was a bit of a manwhore. I loved him, but he wasn’t the commitment type.
“A couple of months from what he’s been willing to admit, but he’s been tight-lipped about the whole affair.” His face had disbelief written all over it.
“Maybe he’s found someone special. It happens to even the toughest nuts, you know? Eventually they all crack.” I winked at him.
I didn’t know Brett before dating him, not really. And with me, he was very different from how he was with anyone else, but I think he was always the commitment type. He just didn’t commit often.
“It’s possible he’s just been waiting for the right person to come along, and she found the side of him that he reserves for one person.”
He looked at me like I was insane. Men didn’t think about this type of thing in these terms. All they recognized was someone finally got them to put a ring on it. To most men, marriage was surrender to a woman they loved, not a gift they shared.
“Dan has not cracked,” he corrected. Brett was trying to convince himself so I just shrugged.
Freed (Bound Duet Book 2) Page 10
