“I told her if she wanted to try it out, we could, but I left it up to her to arrange. I was surprised when she came to me an hour later to tell me we were meeting another couple that weekend.”
He fidgeted with the napkin on the table, tearing it into little shreds, and the sadness I felt for him overwhelmed me. Not only had he now gone through his second divorce, but I didn’t believe there was a time he was ever happily married.
“Surprisingly, it wasn’t wild orgies at all. We became great friends with several other couples; there was sex involved, and there was sharing, but it was always consensual, and at the end of the night, we each went home with our respective partners. It was fun, no strings attached. Like I said, we became close to other couples and hung out all the time. I trusted them with her and her with them, because hell, we had already shared. There was nothing for her to give they hadn’t already had, and I didn’t think there was a need for her to do it behind my back when we were already openly doing it together.”
His eyes clouded over, and his body stiffened with the memories. He was uncomfortable sharing this with me. Gone was the typical confident swagger I identified with Gray, and in its place was a melancholy and lonely man. I hated witnessing him this way and wondered if karma truly existed. If all of this took place because of what he’d done to me, I’d beg her to leave him alone.
“She had become a raging bitch. She complained constantly. It didn’t matter if I hung the moon, she’d complain it was crooked. Every single damn thing became a fight. She got to where she had other people pick Alexis up to keep me from spending time with her just to hurt me. I couldn’t figure out what the fuck I had done until I came home one day to find her in bed with one of our best friends.”
The way he stared me down, boring holes through me, he communicated the truth of his situation. “Swinging only works if your relationships are open and honest. The only thing that had been open were Amber’s legs, and this was definitely not honest. His wife didn’t know where he was, and I had no clue he was in my fucking bed. I lost my shit. I grabbed his ass and threw him out the front door, minus his clothing. Amber threw shit at me, screaming for me to let him back in.”
He took a long sip of his tea before finishing his story. “When I refused and demanded an answer, she admitted they had been fucking exclusively for months, and she wanted a divorce. I didn’t care about the divorce; it was what she told me next that ripped me to the core. Under no circumstances was I allowed to see Alexis anymore. She didn’t think it would be good for her. Thought it would confuse her. In the blink of an eye, she ripped the best part of us from me.” His hands balled into fists and released, only to repeat the action over again. The pain he was experiencing was in losing that little girl, not his wife. Maybe he understood more than I gave him credit for. “I miss her, Annie. God, do I miss her.”
He stopped talking for a minute, but I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting any of this—not one detail of his story was on my radar when we sat down. I assumed Gray had cheated first and got what was coming to him. Or maybe he’d pissed her off, and she’d gotten sick of his nonsense and left. Never in my wildest dreams had I expected him to fall in love with a child and miss the role of daddy. Staring at him in saddened disbelief, I was at a loss. He didn’t need me to respond; he just needed me to understand—he saw the sorrow reflecting back at him from my eyes.
He spoke again, but this time, I heard the pain in his voice versus the agitation it held when discussing Amber. “The only pain I’ve ever felt that was worse than her telling me she was taking Alexis from me was losing Cole. I’d fallen in love with her, but he was my blood. I tried to fight with Amber on it, begged her to work things out—even asked her to consider visitation. Hell, I would have given her a free pass to fuck whoever she wanted if she’d just let me keep my daughter. But she knew the only reason I wanted to stay was for Alexis, and she saw her opportunity to hit me low and hit me hard. To this day, I don’t know what I did to made her so vindictive, but she moved out the next day, and I haven’t seen Alexis since.”
I reached across the table, putting my hand on top of his. I didn’t have the words to soothe him. I knew the pain of losing Cole and one other baby I’d never met. I couldn’t conceive of the anguish of losing a child I’d held in the flesh. Whether he’d been her biological father or not, he adored Alexis like she was his own. She was his one pure love—self-sacrificing. Gray met my eyes and silently understood my ache for him, for what he went through. The last three years hadn’t been candy and roses for him. We’ve both experienced heartache, but at the end of the day, Gray didn’t have what I did. His spouse hadn’t loved him beyond reason or treated him like royalty. Regardless of what Gray had done to the Slut Muffin, I didn’t believe anyone deserved what she’d dished out, but what saddened me even more, was she didn’t care about ripping a father figure out of her daughter’s life. There was a special place in hell for women who used children as pawns to get what they wanted from men.
We sat in comfortable silence for what seemed an eternity. There was no need for idle chit chat. There was nothing left to say about what either of us had experienced. Apologies didn’t change anything or erase the pain left behind; they were just useless words.
The waitress came by to clear the table and effectively the silence that hung around us. She dropped off the check, and Gray grabbed it before I could get to it.
“How much was mine?” I asked.
“I got it.” He slid his card into the plastic sleeve.
“Gray, this wasn’t a date. I can buy my own burger.” I held my cash out waiting for him to take it.
“I can buy my friend lunch. You can get it next time. Or hell, tell Brett he owes me.” He winked at me, and the waitress took the credit card.
“Hardy har har.” I rolled my eyes. “I’ll be sure to let Brett know he owes you lunch. Jackass.” I didn’t even try to hold back, the laughter was effortless, I felt it deep inside.
Being around him was easy, the conversation was natural—he just got me. I wondered if it would be possible for us to have a friendship. I wanted it, and hoped we could, but maybe it was an unrealistic expectation for everyone involved. He continued talking until the waitress returned, about nothing in particular—the DC, Topher.
Suddenly, I remembered I’d never thanked him. I interrupted him mid-sentence. “Oh my God, I never got to thank you for what you did.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Scarlett. She came to my engagement party. I don’t know what you said to get her there or how you got her to forgive me, but thank you. It means the world to me that she’s back in my life.” I choked on the last few words, and tears formed in my eyes. All of this pregnancy nonsense had made me overly emotional. I blubbered if I was happy, I sobbed if I was sad. I wept if the lady at McDonald’s was nice in the drive-thru.
His laughter was unexpectedly loud and boisterous. “I’m glad because that bitch was brutal, and I don’t mean just the yelling. She beat the shit out of me physically for what I put you through. She didn’t hold you responsible for what happened. She blamed me, still does. When she found out you were free from me for good, that was all it took. I knew she’d be there for you. I take it she’s back by your side?”
“Yeah, she is. She’s one of my best friends. Thank you.”
His lips pursed, and he nodded his understanding.
“Look, Gray, I hate to cut it short, but I need to get going.”
“Baby, you gave me almost three hours for lunch. It was great to see you. You’re just as beautiful as you’ve always been. Brett’s a lucky fucking guy.”
“Let’s not be strangers anymore, okay? I miss you, Gray.”
Walking outside, he followed me to my car. I unlocked the doors, but he reached for the handle and stopped me from getting in. His arms circled my shoulders, towering over me, and naturally, mine went to his waist. It was a hug between friends. I didn’t listen to the beat of his heart to se
e if it were still in tune with my own, I didn’t hope for his arousal to press against my leg, and I didn’t think I would die inside without knowing when I’d see him again. He kissed the top of my head and separated without force. It was over as quickly as it had started.
“Talk to Brett, Bird Dog. Give him the chance to set your mind at ease.”
I was speechless—dumbfounded by Gray’s insistence on helping me fix my marriage.
He nudged me playfully upside the arm. “And, Annie…”
“Yeah?”
“Whatever he tells you, believe it’s the truth—he deserves that. I never thought I’d encourage your relationship with another man, but Brett won’t do wrong by you.”
Stunned. I just stood there unable to move. Gray Dearsley just rallied behind Brett Ryann. My husband. When he got on his motorcycle and pulled out, I watched him leave wondering when we’d become such different people. When I couldn’t see him anymore, I got in the 4Runner and went straight to the DC.
My head was a fucking mess. Somehow Gray had gone from Brett’s mortal enemy to my wise advisor. Over the course of the drive from Applebee’s to 3 Tier, my mind ran all sorts of scenarios, and it dawned on me, my greatest fear in being honest with Brett was his leaving. I had no idea why the panic set in, or why I couldn’t wait to talk to him at home. Maybe it was wanting him to know how much I needed him, or explaining why the gap had gotten so large, or maybe it was not wanting him to believe something happened with Gray that hadn’t. I wanted to get to my husband; I needed to feel him around me. More than that, I needed him to tell me he loved me—all of me—including my imperfections. I needed him to ground me, bring me back to reality. In order for him to do any of that, he had to be physically present with me.
I pulled into the parking lot in a panic. I’d been here so many times recently this shouldn’t bother me, but seeing Gray’s motorcycle in the parking lot, and knowing I was going in to have a conversation with Brett that should be had at home sent me into overdrive. Brett would assume something was wrong, but at this point, it didn’t matter. I needed my husband to tell me how he felt, and this time I needed to actually listen.
I pushed through the receiving door and found Lynn at her desk. She immediately spotted me nearing her in haste.
“Girl, what the hell is wrong with you?” She was freaked out, although, I didn’t know if it was my unexpected presence late in the afternoon, or the internal turmoil I was sure was visible on my face.
She shooed away some guy I didn’t recognize, who was sitting at her desk, before I opened my mouth to speak. “Ugh, Lynn, I’m an idiot.”
“What happened, Annie?”
“I had lunch with Gray. I just need to see Brett. Is he available?”
“He’s in a meeting, but I’m sure I can get him out if that’s what you need me to do. But, honey, I think you need to calm down before you see him. Did you do something you shouldn’t have?” She hesitated with her question. Apparently, she thought the truth was uglier than it actually was, and it pissed me off just a tad that she thought I’d do something so reckless.
“God, no! I just need to talk to Brett. Lunch was fine. We talked about his divorce, my lack of children, and everyday things like friends and family. You know, nothing out of the ordinary for people who were once very close to each other.” The grimace I offered didn’t vibe with what I’d said.
And I was sure I’d just hurt her feelings admitting I’d talked to my ex about my fertility issues but not her. I continued, hoping to distract her from that notion. “It was when I left that things—Lynn, I don’t know. It was just weird. Or maybe not, maybe I’m just struggling with Gray being right for once.”
“Annie, you have to tell me what happened, or I can’t begin to help you.”
“I know I need to catch up with you, Lynn. I haven’t talked to anyone about losing the baby until today, not really even Brett. That’s why I’m here. I promise, after I get things straight with Brett, I’ll fill you in. Right now, I just need to see my husband.” There was no need for my anxiety, five minutes or five hours wouldn’t change the way Brett loved me, but it might change the way I loved myself.
I pleaded with her; my eyes searched her face hoping she understood. She leaned over to hug me, and I let out a loud sigh.
“I’ll be right back.”
A few minutes later, Brett barreled toward Lynn’s desk. He was running full-force in my direction with an air of alarm maiming his face. Lynn walked in a hurried pace behind him, shaking her head. She called out before he reached me. “I tried to tell him you were fine.”
I stood when he got close.
The instant I was within reach, he seized me in a hasty hug before cupping my jaw in his hands. “Baby, what’s wrong?” His eyes searched mine for an answer.
I leaned up on my tiptoes, which still wasn’t even close to his face, and used my hands to pull him to me and kiss his mouth. Not a deep kiss, but a possessive one; one that every employee in the DC just witnessed. With one hand on my lower back and the other still holding my cheek, his thumb brushed against my cheekbone. The cat calls broke the kiss between us, and he put his forehead on mine to stare into my eyes.
“Nothing’s wrong. I just needed to see you.”
“Annie…” He knew I’d had lunch with Gray. I could only imagine what horrible things were running through his head. “In the years we have been together, you have never come to the DC unexpectedly. What’s wrong?”
I squeezed his middle, pressing myself against his chest, breaking the eye contact. My ear hovered over his heart, and the beat lulled my panic. “Nothing’s wrong, Brett. I just wanted to see you and tell you how much I love you.”
He smoothed my hair with his hand, and I realized every employee in the facility had stopped to watch us. Brett noticed it at the same time I did. He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward his office. Glancing down at me, he smiled. “Is that what you wore to your proposal?”
I swatted at his arm playfully. “No, goofball. I had changed before I went to lunch. You know I can’t stand that binding shit or the heels. God, the heels.” I rolled my eyes to exaggerate my feelings and hopefully lighten the mood.
He laughed and pulled me into his office, closing and locking the door behind me. I stood still and watched him move through the space before he took a seat on the edge of his desk.
“Come here, Annie.” His hand was outstretched in offering, which I freely gave. Our fingers laced together, and then he brought me between his knees. Locking eyes with me, he said, “Tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart.”
“I promise nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to see you.”
“You had lunch with Gray today. He came back in looking like a cat that just ate a mouse, and you waltz in the door looking like you escaped the cat. What happened?”
“Ugh. Nothing happened. Lunch was fine. We talked, caught up, he told me about his divorce, and I told him about our struggles. But that was it.”
“I’m not even going to ask why you told him about our situation, but if that was it, then why are you distraught?”
“Because I left realizing I needed to talk to you—how desperately we needed to talk. I haven’t been upfront with you, and Gray made me realize I was hurting us by not doing so.”
“Us as in me and you?”
I nodded.
“And Gray, pointed that out to you? Gray Dearsley?”
Again, I confirmed the answer to his question, and Brett roared with laughter. But when my expression hadn’t changed, silence washed over him and the concern returned.
“You’re serious?”
My teeth chewed on the corner of my bottom lip before I finally released it and told my husband what I’d come here to say. “I’m opposed to doing in vitro or adoption. If we were to invest thousands of dollars and neither option worked, I don’t think I’d survive the devastation.”
“Annie—”
“Wait, I need to say this. Losing the baby was hard, but my stru
ggle was not the miscarriage itself. It’s not providing you with the one thing you’ve asked of me. You give endlessly, anything and everything I’ve ever needed, wanted, or asked for, you’ve ensured I had. You’ve never asked me for anything, but the day we got married, the one thing you told me you wanted was to be the father of my children, and I’ve failed you in the request. Every month only one line appears on that plastic stick is another month I let you down. Every box of tampons purchased is another twenty-eight days lost. Your saying we can adopt, or not have children at all, is just another sacrifice you’re making for us.”
A tiny smile played at the corner of his mouth, and the edges of his eyes turned up just slightly the way they did when he was happy. The mossy green irises almost shined back at me. “Aww, sweetheart.” He stroked my cheek and continued, “Do you remember the last thing I said to you when we talked that day? I mean before we said, ‘I do’?”
I tried to remember the conversation verbatim, but there was only one thing that came to mind. “You said whether it was one or it was four, you wanted as many children as I’d give you.”
“I did say that, but what were my words immediately following?”
My shoulders almost touched my ears my shrug was so dramatic.
“I said, ‘Next to being your husband, there is nothing in life I want more than to be the father of your children.’ Meaning, first and foremost, my relationship with you was my priority. Children would be a blessing, but Annie, it could just have easily been me that couldn’t have them. Would you have felt like I’d failed you?”
“It’s not the same.”
“It absolutely is, and you have to stop treating yourself like you’re less than worthy because you’re having a hard time getting pregnant. If I knew on our wedding day that we would face this today, I still would have run down the aisle to meet you before you changed your mind.”
“I just want my husband back.”
“I never left, Annie.”
Freed (Bound Duet Book 2) Page 15
