by KL Donn
“I can’t say. No. I don’t want to say. I’m not ready to tell you, ok? Now I have to leave or I’ll really be late. Please?” The pleading in her voice had them both stepping back, realizing how important it must be. “Thank you,” she whispered, unlocking her car before turning to face them. “I promise I’m coming back.”
Shit.
They watched her drive away.
Both standing there like idiots, not realizing they’d been so blatant about their biggest fear…
Her disappearing.
·٠•● ●•٠·
Fucking, aggravating woman. He couldn’t believe she had the balls to tell him off like that. Creed smiled wide at just how well she’d stood her ground, not even hesitating to tell him to mind his own business. He was incredibly damn proud of her. She was starting to find herself again. He highly anticipated the day she would let loose without her fear holding her back.
Watching her car until it was around the bend a few hundred meters, a cool breeze brought home the fact that he was only wearing his boxers. Giggling from his right also let him know he was in public… Sorta.
“Well, hello, handsome.” Whipping around to the feminine voice, he sagged in relief that it was Kenny’s friend… Uh, what was her name again?
“Uh, yeah, hi…” Smooth Creed.
“You don’t remember me do you?” she asked as he started putting the sweats on that Linc had brought him.
“Sure, I do. You’re Kenny’s friend.”
“My name, big guy.” She smirked at his blank face.
“No offense, sweetheart, but we came for Kenny. Anything else is obsolete,” Linc supplied not so helpfully while laughing at him being caught nearly naked. He didn’t care, so long as she kept her hands to herself.
“Yeah, thanks, jackass. Way to insult a girl,” she told Linc sarcastically.
What the fuck is her name? He knew it was a double letter kind of deal. Like some high-class escort.
CC? No, too sweet for a girl like her. She had a look that said she was anything but sweet.
JJ? Hmm, no, too hard.
DD? Ha! Yes!
“DD?” he asked.
“Close, big guy. But it’s Deedee,” she spelled it for him like the double ‘e’s somehow made a difference to him.
“Ya, ok, sure. Can we help you with something?” he asked shortly. Ready to leave this conversation behind and figure out why Kenny was going to Florence.
“I haven’t seen Kenny in a few days and thought I’d check up on her is all. She’s closed off, quiet, and keeps things close to the chest. But we’ve sorta become friends. Or at least, I thought we had,” she finished quietly.
“We’ve kept her busy,” Linc said with a smirk gracing his lips.
“You have a problem with shutting your mouth today, bro?” Creed snapped, ready to throttle his twin… with a paring knife.
“It’s cool, just treat her right. She deserves it more than anyone I know. I don’t know what she went through, but I know enough to figure out it was bad.”
“How did you two meet?” He found himself curious.
“She didn’t tell you?” Shaking his head, she smiled. “The market. A few weeks after she came. Something happened and she had a flashback I think. Anyway, I helped her out,” she explained. Not realizing that he was burning to know what happened to make her have a flashback, he could feel his blood boiling. If someone had touched her, he’d kill them.
Seeing Creed’s rage fighting to the surface, Linc saved him by responding, “Huh, interesting. You know where she goes so early in the morning?”
“Florence?”
“Yeah we got that, but why?”
“She didn’t tell you?” At their head shakes she simply said, “Then you need to wait and find out,” before taking off to finish her run.
“Fucking women.” Linc shook his head, not quite laughing but wanting to.
“Fucking women,” he agreed. Because really that pretty much summed up the frustrating gender.
·٠•● ●•٠·
Nearly late for her appointment with Dr. Schroder, she ran a stop sign three blocks away. With horns blaring she yelled her apologies. Which if she thought about it was really pointless since she was half a block away, and unless they were Spiderman, they wouldn’t hear her anyway. Parking her little Mini Cooper, she climbed out and rushed to the front of the building. With a quick nod to the security at the front desk, she slipped into the elevator.
Four floors later and she was just barely on time.
“Good morning, Miss Maxwell,” Dr. Schroder greeted her with his usual smile while handing his receptionist a file.
Smiling, she followed him into his office. While she sat down in her usual spot by his window, she could feel his eyes on her. “What?” she finally snapped.
The huge smile spread across his face was puzzling until he said, “And there she is.” Sitting down at his own desk like usual.
“There who is?” Genuinely confused, she didn’t understand what he was getting at.
“You don’t see what just happened?” Tilting her head quizzically, she waited for him to continue. “Well, first of all, you smiled today. You’ve never done that before.” He pointed out. “And just now, you snapped at me. Kennedy, you’ve never shown me anything but a lost and scared woman. Today, I’m seeing not only someone who is, at least, starting to become happy but someone who is ready to open up.”
He watched her as she thought about that. Was she happy? Was she ready to open up?
Pulling out her sketch pad and pencils, she opened it up to a clean page. Looking out the window, she wasn’t sure what to do. She knew she needed to talk about her emotions, about what happened, but reliving it wasn’t something she ever wanted to do. However, because no one knows what happened to her, she felt like she was lost in a sea of darkness. Every time she found herself smiling, she always wondered when the darkness would swallow her whole again.
Blindly reaching into her bag, she pulled out her journal that she’d been writing all her inner thoughts in since she started coming to see the doctor. Looking at it, flipping through the hundreds of word-filled pages, she wondered if it would help to share some of it with him.
Placing it on the table beside her, she started to draw. At first it was shapes and lines, nothing solid. But the more her hand flew across the page in sweeping lines and arches, she realized she’d drawn two pairs of eyes.
Creed. His eyes ran so deep she sometimes felt like she was looking into his soul. He was hurting too. From what, she didn’t know. But the shadows were there, easy to find once you got to know him.
Linc. Laughing and joking. Always trying to bring her out of her shell. He had demons lurking deep inside though. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and any time he could make her smile or laugh his entire face would light up with pride.
She admired them both for their strengths. For stepping into the roles they’d been given in life. She knew they’d had a less than ideal upbringing— a shitty mother followed by crappier foster homes, one after the other. It’s sad that it was a typical story in America for many kids.
Heartbreaking really.
Without thinking she spoke, “They brought me back from the edge you know? Even when they weren’t there, they were. When they left a piece of me died. I never thought I’d find it again.” Looking to the doctor she waited for him to tell her some bullshit crap about a person not having that kind of power over another, but he didn’t so she continued. “Then they came back. They’re here. I keep waiting to wake up and find them gone but they haven’t, and I find myself thinking they’ll stay.”
“What’s you biggest fear where they’re concerned, Kennedy?”
Looking up at his question, she gave it some thought. What was her biggest fear?
“They’ll find me lacking,” she whispered looking at her drawing and searching for acceptance in their eyes.
“Kennedy?” he called softly. Looking up at him she waited. “T
ell me what happened.”
She watched his eyes, waiting for judgment, for some hidden intent, finding nothing there but genuine concern and acceptance. Acceptance that she found what she desperately needed more than air.
She told him.
Everything.
Start to finish, leaving nothing out, holding nothing back, and found she was exhausted. From crying. From seeing it in her mind again. From reliving every strike, every stab felt like it was happening again. She could feel the knife slicing through her skin, embedding it’s way back into her mind.
Dr. Schroder was wrong.
She didn’t feel better.
She felt trapped in a world where the pain was her only friend.
Where the darkness was her fate.
Eight
She didn’t remember the drive home; it was like she was in a trance. Parked out front of her little cottage, hands on the wheel, she counted her breaths. Made sure they were coming because even though they were, she felt out of breath. Like her world was about to explode or maybe implode. Life was being sucked away just as she was starting to want to live again.
She didn’t know how long she sat there thinking about everything and nothing at all when movement from her periphery caught her attention. Turning her head, she watched as Linc and Creed raced each other along the beach, playfully slapping and tripping each other.
A spurt of jealousy slammed her so hard she lost her breath again. She had that once. The competition, the closeness, the easy-going relationship they had with her brothers… before. The desire to get it back was strong but the fear was stronger. Kennedy craved normalcy again, even though it was a pipe dream. She knew that; it was just hard to accept it.
When they started to wrestle in the sand, she wondered if they could accept her for who she was now and not who she used to be. Her family seemed stuck in the past. Fortunately, these men, they had no idea of what she was like before she was broken. They seemed to accept her at face value for who she had turned into, but that could be an illusion. And that terrified her more than anything else.
Quietly getting out of her car, she made her way to the front door. Entering, she went to her room in search of lighter clothes to change into given that when she’d woken up it was chilly, windy, and looked like it would rain. Now the sun was in full swing and there was no cooling relief in sight. Changing into shorts and a light crochet top with her bikini underneath, she went back downstairs.
Sneaking a look out the back door, she quickly checked to make sure the guys were still doing their thing before slipping away to where the rockaway was just a few hundred meters from her cottage. It was basically a cluster of rocks that led out into the sea a few hundred feet with a smooth top like a regular path would have.
She liked to sit there listening to the ocean and the mammals that sometimes made themselves known. Watch the sun set or rise. See how long it took before the pelicans and seagulls gave up their search of more fish.
Sometimes she thought of jumping in. The water crashed into the rocks too hard for anyone to actually survive. The thought of ending her suffering sometimes left her with a feeling of relief— not having to wake up to nightmares, to look in the mirror and see the broken girl she’d become. The shame she felt got to be so overwhelming sometimes she would drown in it.
But then just as she would decide to do it, she would get flashes of all the good in her life— her parents, her brothers, having Keeley around. Most predominant, though, was Linc and Creed.
Making it to the edge of the walkway nearly one hundred feet from shore, she stared at the swirling water, fascinated at the way it crashed into the rocks like an angry storm was brewing. The water reminded her so much of how her mind churned— never stopping, harsh, angry at the world. So much so that it wasn’t just an emotion for her anymore, it was more like a living, breathing entity. Always beside her, sitting on the edge as she drowns, and thriving right next to it was hate. She had so much hate running through her veins that it often felt like that’s all she was made up of— anger and hate.
When she wasn’t being sucked in by them, she was a pitiful mess of tears and shame. She hated who she’d become. She hated this weak girl that had replaced the feisty one. The one who used to grab life by the balls, who had goals and never ran from anything in life. The one who knew her place in the world.
“I hate you!” she screamed at the brief reflection she’d caught in the sea before a new wave shattered it.
“Kennedy!” Whipping around, she saw Linc and Creed running towards her at full speed. Like white knights, only darker, more menacing. They looked angry, scared, and sad all at once.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Creed yelled angrily at her, grabbing her shoulders and slamming her body into his.
“You weren’t going to, were you?” Linc asked softer, reaching for her chin and turning her head to face him.
Looking into his eyes she saw the fear. Raw. Sad. Cold. Everything she’d felt since she became this unknown girl.
“No, I wasn’t. I swear,” she whispered looking between the two of them.
“Then what were you doing, Sunshine? You were leaning so far forward we didn’t think we’d get here in time to catch you.” She could hear the anguish in Creed’s voice, the hurt. “You have to know we’d have followed you.”
“Why?” She didn’t understand why they would risk their lives for her, a nobody.
“Seriously, Sunshine? You don’t get it?” Linc asked her sounding shocked. Shaking her head no, the incredulity playing whiplash with his features shocked her.
“Fuck me,” he growled before stepping closer and grabbing her by the hips, pulling her into his body and slamming his lips onto hers making her gasp in surprise.
In that moment he owned her. Body and soul. The way his lips moved soft yet demanding, she gave in; she submitted to him. His grip on her hips said he owned everything she was and ever would be. One simple kiss and he took her on a journey of unexplored lust. She’d never reacted this way to anyone but them. Her body was on fire, her pulse was out of control, and her synapses were misfiring like crazy.
When Linc nipped her bottom lip, she tried to pull away but he pulled her closer, slipping his tongue along her lips until she granted him the access he so desired. He searched every crevice he could find in her mouth, leaving no stone unturned. Making sure to brand her as his anyway he could.
She got lost in his arms, the day floated away on the breeze like it never existed. In that moment she was just a girl, new to lust, new to life. And he was just a man learning who she was.
When she felt Creed’s hands on her shoulders, she nearly jumped out of her skin. Pulling away from Linc, she looked shyly over her shoulder at him terrified she’d see jealousy or disgust. They’d never really talked about the three of them. She felt it, but that didn’t mean they did too or that they wanted her. But for them, she’d try.
When Creed leaned forward, determination and lust shining brightly in his dark, nearly black eyes, she anticipated feeling his lips on hers. Leaning back into him, she held her breath as they met and felt a zing of electricity shoot down her spine. A zap all the way to her toes like it was meant to be.
She was meant for them. The soft to their hard.
And them for her. They would be the strength to her fragile.
Together they could be perfect.
·٠•● ●•٠·
Fuck me sideways. This girl. This girl was gonna be the death of me, Linc thought as he enjoyed the passion that consumed her as they kissed. Having her between them, though, was a dream come true. A dream he’d never thought would come to fruition. She might think of herself as weak and broken, but to them Kennedy was the strongest woman they knew. It was a huge turn on too; it burnt his blood, made his heart race frantically. Seeing her come alive the way she did made him wanna beg for more. But she wasn’t ready for more. Yet. He’d hold on to that yet until the day he died.
Seeing the emotions cross he
r face as she kissed his brother had him feeling real hope for the first time since they’d arrived. She’d been reserved, slowly opening up to them, but she was holding back a major part of herself. He’d let that go for now because she was giving them something precious and he was going to revel in it.
As Kenny and Creed pulled apart she let out a breathy sigh, her face a mask of bliss and of peace. Like she’d found one moment in time where she was finally happy.
Clearing his throat, Linc interrupted their moment because he needed… no, they needed to know why she had looked like she going to dive in. She had to have known it would have killed her.
“What happened, Sunshine? Why?”
Meeting his gaze briefly before looking at the mid-day horizon, she didn’t pretend like she was clueless. She knew, hell, they all knew what he was asking.
As she pulled away from them and walked closer to the edge again he tensed, ready to do whatever necessary to keep her with them. Sitting down with her legs dangling over the side and the waves reaching just under her feet, it splashed her legs making them shine and his mouth watered for a taste.
“When I first got here, I was in a bad way,” she started, looking back to them, not making eye contact but patting the ground on either side of her in invitation. Once they sat, she placed her hands in her lap and continued. “It took me a week just to leave the cottage and when I did, at first, I would only go as far as the beach behind it. Everything made me jump. I remember a car backfiring once as it drove by; I screamed loud enough to wake the dead. I ran to my room and like some scared little kid, I hid under my bed for hours.” She laughed without humor, breaking his heart for her.
“You know that’s normal, right, Ken?” Creed told her gently. “All part of PTSD.”
A snort of derision was his only answer on that.
“I kept waiting for one of my dads or brothers to come find me, tell me everything was ok that I was safe. God! I wanted to be safe so bad it was an ache in my bones.” Her sniffling caught him off guard. He watched as her tears fell in remembrance. “They never did. I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I’d felt so abandoned. They were always there, ya know? For everything. It used to aggravate me to no end. No matter how much I told them to leave me alone, let me find my way in this world, they wouldn’t let me. Ever. I would complain to Mom and all she’d do is pat me on the cheek and say, ‘Honey, it’s what God created man for, to annoy the ever loving hell out of us but to love us with their very last breath. Hold on to it.’ She always whispered the last part. I never understood why until that day, and it’s so fucking bad that she was right. I used to hate it so much; now, I wish I had it with every breath I take.”
