by Casey Herzog
I didn’t want to have these thoughts about my mother, but the voices sounded like they knew what they were talking about.
“I’m glad to hear that. We were wondering why she didn’t finish one of us off. Talking to you was an unforgivable offense, and she must have thought she was justified in hurting us.”
The voices were surprisingly clearheaded. I didn’t think I could’ve been that clear with everything they had been through. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, and speaking to them made me believe they were just as much in the dark about what was happening as I was.
“I don’t want to give you any false hope, but I have to believe in something. I’m going to put my trust in you until you give me a reason to take it back.”
All I could think of was William and how I wanted him to be with me. I remembered stealing kisses from him and the look on his face was priceless when he was caught with his mouth open. It was something I wanted to do to make him believe the affection I felt for him was real. I was falling deeper in love every day, and it didn’t matter he was sequestered to the monastery. He was always there giving me his guidance. I could literally hear his voice in my head screaming for caution.
“I know only one way you can help us, but it would take an amazing amount of courage to even consider it. We sense there is something more here than your mother, and it’s very cold, a chill in the air that we have never felt before. You must be very careful because this thing has malevolent thoughts. It’s very dark and it touches us with a freezing hand.”
Their idea of me letting them take my body over to escape the imprisonment they had endured for many years was something I needed to give more thought to.
“I’ve already told you what you ask is too much. I wouldn’t even consider trying to force the issue. There’s something inside me, and maybe the dark force you sense in the air is what will ultimately destroy all of you if you try to take its place,” I said, trying to cover up the pain and willing myself to face my misdeeds with less hesitation.
“We know all about what you have gone through, and we regret any part we played in it. One of us did the unthinkable and consumed the essence of another one in a desperate act. It was twisted, and we suspect Jasper was the recipient of the blackness which was the result of one of our minds breaking.”
I didn’t know any of this! Finding out Jasper was more than a victim put things into perspective. I had always thought he was the product of the asylum, but there was more to it. I’m sure even the Elders suspected something more going on.
“I know you didn’t have to tell me this, but you have to know, I’m scared of letting go. There’s really no telling what I could do. The evil wakes me up every morning, making me feel breathless and unable to fight back for what feels like forever. It’s only for a few seconds, but every minute of the day, I’m looking over my shoulder waiting for it to insert its dominance,” I said, wondering why I was having a heart to heart with something barely more than a whisper in the wind.
I was going to love William until I had no more breath in my body. I didn’t want to let go of the man who had sacrificed everything including what could have been his life. He was brave beyond words, and every day was like a gift to be in his arms. It was hard not to think about him and absence really did make the heart grow fonder. I hadn’t even discussed these thoughts with him.
“We can only give you our word, but we understand how it might not be enough. I’m aware we threatened to take your body by force, but I have convinced them it’s better to work with you than against you,” the voice said, giving me a reason to trust, but not enough to allow them to join forces with the evil inside me.
“I wish it were enough, and I truly want to help, but you are asking me to walk down a path which didn’t go well for me the last time. The feeling of something gripping me by the throat should wake me up in a cold sweat every night, but it doesn’t. God help me, but I want it. It’s a symphony that is hard to resist. Every melody is timeless, and the evil knows how to sing the song I’m willing to dance to.”
I was holding tight and not letting go of the love I had for William. It might’ve been unhealthy to use his love for a lifeline, but I didn’t know any other way.
“You need to give us the benefit of the doubt and not treat us like everybody else in your life. Someday, you’re going to have to trust someone. We can only hope you will start with us. If you really want the truth, then you only have to listen with your heart.”
It wasn’t an insane request, and I might have considered it had I not gone through my own personal hell. On the surface, I may have looked in control, but I was not even close to feeling remotely strong enough to walk through the fire.
My father was a giant, and compared to him, I was nothing more than a shadow. I was embalmed with the evil, and getting away from it wasn’t easy. I didn’t want to talk about it, but it was possible somebody had answers. I just didn’t know how I would feel if the evil was no longer a part of me.
“I doubt this will be easy for all of you, but I might consider allowing one inside me.” It sounded almost sexual, and it was a violation of my body all over again. I welcomed the evil once, and it was the worst mistake of my life. It showed me a power unlike anything I had ever seen before; the intoxication made me drunk with superiority over others.
“I admit I wasn’t ready for this answer, and we’re going to have to discuss things. We don’t have to do this, but as a gesture of good faith, we must warn you of the path your mother has chosen for you. You will find your way out, but everything you see is not as it should be. Take that into consideration when you face things larger than your comprehension.”
It wasn’t really much in the way of advice, but I was hard pressed not to at least take what they said under advisement.
“This might be the start of a beautiful friendship, but I’m going to have to take it on faith you’re not trying to hurt me.”
I wanted to hear more since I still was left in the dark about a lot of things concerning the shrouds. Logically speaking, they really did sound like they were the injured parties due to my mother’s power over them. I had to wonder what they would be like if my mother wasn’t around. I didn’t even want to fathom how much they could be a power onto themselves if given a chance.
One of them had corrupted Jasper by cannibalizing magic from another of their kind. Trust was not something I could easily accept, but they were amazingly convincing and capable of changing my mind. I couldn’t believe I was even considering letting one inside me with the evil crying out for companionship.
I never knew William was the one and I was slowly seeing how much I cared for him. I didn’t know if it was love, but it felt like something I didn’t want to lose.
I could only listen to what my heart was telling me, but lingering thoughts of him betraying magic was still there. I had faith in what I saw and the look he gave me made me feel like we could fight anything.
The voices had a lot to think about. All of them were going to have to sacrifice their continued survival to allow one to stand in the sun. It was unfair, and something that would most likely haunt me until the day I died. It was just one of the many things I would repent for on my deathbed.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Sleeping wasn’t an option, and tossing and turning with visions of how the evil would become something even worse by the influence of one of the shrouds was making me regret my decision. I saw an ugly image of myself in my mind, taking the world in my fist and crushing it under my might. I just knew deep down there was a reason for all of this. I would know when I saw it. It was like something was guiding me, but I’d learned the hard way never to trust myself.
I had killed one of the other animals, using the crossbow my father had, and still, he showed no appreciation for the effort. He dined with us, but nobody really had anything useful to say. We kept looking at one another, and our expressions were louder than any words coming from our mouth.
“We
have procrastinated long enough. I want to get your mother some medical help. We can’t wait any longer, and we need to make a decision one way or the other,” my father said, addressing both Julian and me, waiting for us to deliver good news or bad news, whichever the case may be.
“The wind has died down dramatically, and climbing seems more prudent than to take the long way around.”
Julian was making sense, and I concurred, although the task was quite daunting. I just didn’t get how we were going to climb something if we didn’t even know where it was going to end.
“My father wants to go around, and my best friend in the world wants to go straight up without knowing what is waiting for us at the top. I guess I’m the tiebreaker, so I just hope both of you can live with my decision. Damien is fighting for his life, and whatever risk we have to take is worth it to get him the help he deserves,” I said, seeing my father shaking his head, but the die had been cast.
Mistakes were how I had learned and how I grew into the woman I was today. There were times I felt like I was sinking and the cold water of reality was drawing me deeper into the murky isolation. Today was one of those times.
“I don’t know how you can decide to go up when we have to find a way to get your mother up there while she is still unconscious. Are you sure this is what you want to do, daughter? I don’t want you to second-guess yourself, but your mother is not able to voice her own opinion. I’m sure if she could, she would stress going around, but her vote really doesn’t count,” my father said, touching a raw nerve about my leadership skills. Nobody else would have been able to make me feel so inferior.
“It’s interesting you can put the spotlight on me and expect me to bend like a broken tree.”
I didn’t want him to think his opinion didn’t matter, but he had made his stand, and Julian and I had both overruled him.
“This might be a bad time, Gillian, but it has been decided not unanimously for me to be the one to take the leap of faith. On a side note, I can help you navigate this wall. You just have to remember what I said about things not being what they appear,” the voice said, repeating the last phrase I’d heard from them last night.
“I know that look. I recognize when the voices are in contact with you, daughter. Would you like to share with the class, or is this some kind of secret you expect to keep from us? We are only doing each other harm by keeping things to ourselves when it is so much better to fight together.”
My father never knew me and I don’t think he ever took the time to find out what her daughter was about.
“I do need to tell you… AHHHHH.”
I felt something slam into me, and my whole body sprung to attention with a rush of pain and pleasure more likely to be found in the bedroom. It was a mind numbing sensation that left me at a loss for words. I didn’t hear them talking to me; although their mouths were moving, nothing was coming out.
I had given the voice permission and it didn’t appear they were wasting any time. I could’ve easily expelled him from my body, but he was the only one making any sense. I felt flushed and my skin was heated, but the pleasure was overcoming any pain.
I heard the long drawn out moan and I knew I was making both my father and Julian uncomfortable. It was like they were witnessing something personal they shouldn’t. If this was what it was going to feel like with William on my wedding night, then I was inspired to give him my body willingly. I would still be nervous and shaking like a leaf, but this little peek behind the curtain had done me a world of good.
It felt like everything else didn’t matter, and then I was blinking back into focus to see Julian staring at me.
“I don’t think I like what just happened. I might be crazy, but you look like you were enjoying that,” Julian said, while scrutinizing me thoroughly.
The voice had pushed and pulled like a magnet drawing itself into me until it was complacent and happy to be away from what my mother had done to him.
“Gillian, you don’t have to tell me, but I think you just did something without consulting us. This is exactly what I have been talking about! You don’t seem to listen; it’s as if what I say is nothing but noise,” my father said in disgust.
He had every reason to feel like I had overstepped my authority.
“I should’ve…said something…but I didn’t know how to say it without sounding like a crazy person.”
I got up slowly, holding onto Julian, who didn’t exactly look pleased by my decision. I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do, but there was no going back.
“I don’t know what your father is talking about, but I’m your best friend and you should have said something before you did anything. I’ve always been able to talk you down, but if you don’t even give me the chance there is no way I can help,” Julian said, holding my arm and not letting go like a good friend should.
“I wasn’t foolish enough to let them all in; I figured one would be a good starting point to find out if their motive was pure.”
The voice was now bottled up inside, with the evil reaching out and me preventing it from accessing the voice. I knew it was there, but I did not hear him, which was a little concerning.
“You’ve already done it, and there’s nothing more to say to change anything. Had you consulted us, we might have been a little vocal in screaming a difference of opinion,” my father said, giving me a cold shoulder, which made me feel like I was letting him down all over again.
“On further thought, I believe it would’ve been a good thing to discuss this matter with you both. I can only apologize, and unfortunately, it means we’re going to have to deal with what comes from it.”
I was clever and intuitive, but sometimes I acted without thinking, which always landed me in hot water. I wanted to show my father I was better, but making this insane leap of faith was only causing him to watch me more carefully.
“There’s nothing we can do about it right now, but we will have to decide what to do when we get off of this mountain.”
My father was being pragmatic, but still holding me to the fire as some kind of punishment for my behavior. I didn’t think much before making my decision, and I’d briefly weighed the pros and cons to come out favorably on the pro side.
“Looking at the ice wall makes me feel small. There really doesn’t seem to be anything more we can do other than to climb.” I had to believe what the voice said to me. It was a matter of not looking too hard and seeing the simple answer staring right in front of me.
We found a way to incorporate my mother by strapping her to my father’s back. Though this was only going to be a detriment to my father’s health. He stepped up to the ice, breathing deeply and then slamming the axe in as far as he could get it. He did the same thing with another one Julian handed him. He started his ascent; it was going to be slow going with no relief in sight.
The voice was repeating in my consciousness, and there was no way to ignore it. I stepped away from Julian and walked with purpose towards the wall of ice. I stood within a few inches of the icy surface and looked up to see my father only a few feet above my head. It wasn’t my fault. The voice had made a compelling argument, and now I was responsible for giving them hope.
I closed my eyes and I reached out, thinking there was nothing there in front of me. I heard Julian and I opened my eyes to see my hand was inside the ice. I moved it back and forth. The more I thought it wasn’t there the more it wasn’t. I looked back at Julian, and then smiled with one arm penetrating the ice.
I stuck my leg in, and then back out, with Julian standing near enough to witness something out of the ordinary. He could only stare, amazed and no doubt wondering what this could possibly mean. I didn’t have all the answers, but the voice in its infinite wisdom had given me the correct tools to see past what was obviously an optical illusion.
“I don’t know how this is possible, Gillian, but I can’t deny what my eyes are seeing. We might want to inform your father before he gets too far up. It doesn’t look lik
e he’s going to make it very much further. He’s determined and headstrong, but his body is being taxed to the limit,” Julian said, not quite knowing this was something both of them were going to have to believe in order for it to work for all of us.
“I want you to convince yourself this wall of ice isn’t there, no matter how much it seems impossible to do so. I’ve done it, and I know you’re strong enough to do it, which only leaves my father, who can be quite stubborn and stuck in his ways.”
We got my father’s attention, and I don’t think he was very upset to come back down when it looked like he was very close to losing his balance and grip.
He was standing beside us and touching the ice like it was solid. When he saw I could reach through like it wasn’t even there, he grew quite alarmed by the possibility the evil was behind all of this. I proved differently when I grabbed my mother’s sled and pushed it up against the ice to see it disappear, half of her body still emerged, which seemed unlikely by conventional thinking.
“You need to dispel your disbelief and take my hand with your eyes closed. I will believe for all of us, but you need to do your part, which isn’t easy for somebody with a scientific curiosity. Believe in something completely out of the realm of possibility, and you might be able to see for yourself something extraordinary,” I said, grabbing his hand and then turning to Julian and doing the same thing.
“You know how difficult it is for me to lose control, yet you are expecting me to trust in something which doesn’t seem possible,” my father said, letting me know this was going to take amazing trust on his part.
I hoped I wouldn’t have to say the same thing for Julian.
“If you have never believed in me in the past, then it’s time for you to finally let me take my baby steps. I know what I’ve done, but you need to forget all about that and let what you believe drift into the ether.”
I had both of their hands, and they closed their eyes, letting me guide them. This was only going to work if they truly believed. I didn’t even want to think about the alternative. They had to believe with all of their hearts, and I knew I was asking a lot, but it was the only way. Before we reached the point of no return, I closed my eyes and smiled, despite the possibility of dying encased in ice for all time.
