by Brontë, Anne
‘Oh, nothing – I did not intend you should hear my soliloquy. But the fact is, Mrs Huntingdon, I have a disclosure to make – painful for me to offer as for you to hear – and I want you to give me a few minutes of your attention in private, at any time and place you like to appoint. It is from no selfish motive that I ask it, and not for any cause that could alarm your superhuman purity; therefore, you need not kill me with that look of cold and pitiless disdain. I know too well the feelings with which the bearers of bad tidings are commonly regarded, not to –’
‘What is this wonderful piece of intelligence?’ said I, impatiently interrupting him. ‘If it is anything of real importance, speak it in three words before I go.’
‘In three words I cannot. Send those children away, and stay with me.’
‘No; keep your bad tidings to yourself. I know it is something I don’t want to hear, and something you would displease me by telling.’
‘You have divined too truly, I fear; but still since I know it, I feel it my duty to disclose it to you.’
‘Oh, spare us both the infliction – and I will exonerate you from the duty. You have offered to tell; I have refused to hear: my ignorance will not be charged on you.’
‘Be it so – you shall not hear it from me. But if the blow fall too suddenly upon you when it comes, remember – I wished to soften it!’
I left him. I was determined his words should not alarm me. What could he of all men, have to reveal that was of importance for me to hear? It was, no doubt some exaggerated tale about my unfortunate husband, that he wished to make the most of to serve his own bad purposes.
6th. He has not alluded to this momentous mystery since; and I have seen no reason to repent of my unwillingness to hear it. The threatened blow has not been struck yet; and I do not greatly fear it. At present I am pleased with Arthur he has not positively disgraced himself for upwards of a fortnight, and all this last week, has been so very moderate in his indulgence at table, that I can perceive a marked difference in his general temper and appearance. Dare I hope this will continue?
CHAPTER 33
TWO EVENINGS
Seventh. Yes, I will hope! Tonight, I heard Grimsby and Hattersley grumbling together, about the inhospitality of their host. They did not know I was near, for I happened to be standing behind the curtain, in the bow of the window, watching the moon rising over the clump of tall, dark elm-trees below the lawn and wondering why Arthur was so sentimental as to stand without, leaning against the outer pillar of the portico, apparently watching it too.
‘So, I suppose we’ve seen the last of our merry carousals in this house,’ said Mr Hattersley, ‘I thought his good-fellowship wouldn’t last long. – But,’ added he, laughing, ‘I didn’t expect it would meet its end this way. I rather thought our pretty hostess would be setting up her porcupine quills, and threatening to turn us out of the house, if we didn’t mind1 our manners.’
‘You didn’t foresee this, then?’ answered Grimsby with a guttural chuckle. ‘But he’ll change again when he’s sick of her. If we come here a year or two hence, we shall have all our own way, you’ll see.’
‘I don’t know,’ replied the other: ‘she’s not the style of woman you soon tire of – but be that as it may, it’s devilish provoking now, that we can’t be jolly, because he chooses to be on his good behaviour.’
‘It’s all these cursed women!’ muttered Grimsby. ‘They’re the very bane of the world! They bring trouble and discomfort wherever they come, with their false, fair faces and their d—d deceitful tongues.’
At this juncture, I issued from my retreat, and smiling on Mr Grimsby as I passed, left the room and went out in search of Arthur. Having seen him bend his course towards the shrubbery, I followed him thither, and found him just entering the shadowy walk. I was so light of heart, so overflowing with affection, that I sprang upon him and clasped him in my arms. This startling conduct had a singular effect upon him: first, he murmured, ‘Bless you darling!’ and returned my close embrace with a fervour like old times, and then he started, and in a tone of absolute terror, exclaimed –
‘Helen! – What the devil is this!’ and I saw, by the faint light gleaming through the overshadowing tree, that he was positively pale with the shock.
How strange that the instinctive impulse of affection should come first, and then the shock of the surprise! It shows, at least, that the affection is genuine: he is not sick of me yet.
‘I startled you, Arthur,’ said I, laughing in my glee. ‘How nervous you are!’
‘What the deuce did you do it for?’ cried he, quite testily, extricating himself from my arms, and wiping his forehead with his handkerchief. ‘Go back, Helen – go back directly! You’ll get your death of cold!’
‘I won’t – till I’ve told you what I came for. They are blaming you, Arthur, for your temperance and sobriety, and I’m come to thank you for it. They say it is all “these cursed women,” and that we are the bane of the world; but don’t let them laugh, or grumble you out of your good resolutions, or your affection for me.’
He laughed. I squeezed him in my arms again, and cried in tearful earnest –
‘Do – do persevere! – and I’ll love you better than ever I did before!’
‘Well, well, I will!’ said he, hastily kissing me. ‘There now, go. – You mad creature, how could you come out in your light evening dress, this chill autumn night?’
‘It is a glorious night,’ said I.
‘It is a night that will give you your death, in another minute. Run away, do!’
‘Do you see my death among those trees, Arthur?’ said I, for he was gazing intently at the shrubs, as if he saw it coming, and I was reluctant to leave him, in my new-found happiness and revival of hope and love. But he grew angry at my delay, so I kissed him and ran back to the house.
I was in such a good humour that night: Milicent told me I was the life of the party, and whispered she had never seen me so brilliant. Certainly, I talked enough for twenty, and smiled upon them all. Grimsby, Hattersley, Hargrave, Lady Lowborough – all shared my sisterly kindness. Grimsby stared and wondered; Hattersley laughed and jested (in spite of the little wine he had been suffered to imbibe), but still, behaved as well as he knew how; Hargrave and Annabella, from different motives and in different ways, emulated me, and doubtless both surpassed me, the former in his discursive versatility and eloquence, the latter in boldness and animation at least. Milicent, delighted to see her husband, her brother and her over-estimated friend acquitting themselves so well, was lively and gay too, in her quiet way. Even Lord Lowborough caught the general contagion: his dark, greenish eyes were lighted up beneath their moody brows; his sombre countenance was beautified by smiles; all traces of gloom, and proud or cold reserve, had vanished for the time; and he astonished us all, not only by his general cheerfulness and animation, but by the positive flashes of true force and brilliance he emitted from time to time. Arthur did not talk much, but he laughed, and listened to the rest, and was in perfect good-humour, though not excited by wine. So that, altogether, we made a very merry, innocent and entertaining party.
9th. Yesterday, when Rachel came to dress me for dinner, I saw that she had been crying. I wanted to know the cause of it, but she seemed reluctant to tell. Was she unwell? No. Had she heard bad news from her friends? No. Had any of the servants vexed her?
‘Oh, no ma’am!’ she answered – ‘It’s not for myself
‘What then, Rachel? Have you been reading novels?’
‘Bless you, no!’ said she with a sorrowful shake of the head; and then she sighed and continued, ‘But to tell you the truth, ma’am, I don’t like master’s ways of going on.’
‘What do you mean Rachel? – He’s going on very properly – at present’
‘Well ma’am, if you think so, it’s right’
And she went on dressing my hair, in a hurried way, quite unlike her usual calm, collected manner, – murmuring, half to herself, she was sure it was beau
tiful hair, she ‘could like to see ‘em match it’ When it was done, she fondly stroked it and gently patted my head.
‘Is that affectionate ebullition intended for my hair, or myself, nurse?’ said I, laughingly turning round upon her; – but a tear was even now in her eye.
‘What do you mean, Rachel?’ I exclaimed.
‘Well, ma’am, I don’t know, – but if–’
‘If what?’
‘Well, if I was you, I wouldn’t have that Lady Lowborough in the house another minute – not another minute I wouldn’t!’
I was thunderstruck; but before I could recover from the shock sufficiently to demand an explanation, Milicent entered my room – as she frequently does, when she is dressed before me; and she stayed with me till it was time to go down. She must have found me a very unsociable companion this time, for Rachel’s last words rung in my ears. But still, I hoped – I trusted they had no foundation but in some idle rumour of the servants from what they had seen in Lady Lowborough’s manner last month; or, perhaps, from something that had passed between their master and her during her former visit. At dinner, I narrowly observed both her and Arthur, and saw nothing extraordinary in the conduct of either – nothing calculated to excite suspicion, except in distrustful minds – which mine was not, and therefore I would not suspect.
Almost immediately after dinner, Annabella went out with her husband to share his moonlight ramble, for it was a splendid evening like the last. Mr Hargrave entered the drawing-room a little before the others, and challenged me to a game of chess.2 He did it without any of that sad but proud humility he usually assumes in addressing me, unless he is excited with wine. I looked at his face to see if that was the case now. His eye met mine keenly, but steadily: there was something about him I did not understand, but he seemed sober enough. Not choosing to engage with him, I referred him to Milicent.
‘She plays badly,’ said he: ‘I want to match my skill with yours. Come now! – you can’t pretend you are reluctant to lay down your work – I know you never take it up except to pass an idle hour, when there is nothing better you can do.’
‘But chess players are so unsociable,’ I objected; ‘they are no company for any but themselves.’
‘There is no one here – but Milicent, and she –’
‘Oh, I shall be delighted to watch you!’ cried our mutual friend – ‘Two such players – it will be quite a treat! I wonder which will conquer.’
I consented.
‘Now Mrs Huntingdon,’ said Hargrave, as he arranged the men on the board, speaking distinctly, and with a peculiar emphasis as if he had a double meaning to all his words, ‘you are a good player, – but I am a better we shall have a long game, and you will give me some trouble; but I can be as patient as you, and, in the end, I shall certainly win.’ He fixed his eyes upon me with a glance I did not like – keen, crafty, bold, and almost impudent; already half triumphant in his anticipated success.
‘I hope not, Mr Hargrave!’ returned I, with vehemence that must have startled Milicent at least; but be only smiled and murmured, –
‘Time will show.’
We set to work; he, sufficiently interested in the game, but calm and fearless in the consciousness of superior skill; I, intensely eager to disappoint his expectations, for I considered this the type of a more serious contest – as I imagined he did – and I felt an almost superstitious dread of being beaten: at all events, I could ill endure that present success should add one title to his conscious power (his insolent self-confidence, I ought to say), or encourage, for a moment, his dream of future conquest. His play was cautious and deep, but I struggled hard against him. For some time the combat was doubtful, at length, to my joy, the victory seemed inclining to my side: I had taken several of his best pieces, and manifestly baffled his projects. He put his hand to his brow and paused, in evident perplexity. I rejoiced in my advantage, but dared not glory in it yet. At length, he lifted his head, and, quietly making his move, looked at me and said, calmly, –
‘Now, you think you will win, don’t you.’
‘I hope so,’ replied I, taking his pawn that he had pushed into the way of my bishop3 with so careless an air that I thought it was an oversight, but was not generous enough, under the circumstances, to direct his attention to it, and too heedless, at the moment, to foresee the after consequences of my move.
‘It is those bishops that trouble me,’ said he; ‘but the bold knight can overleap the reverend gentleman,’ taking my last bishop with his knight; – ‘and now, those sacred persons once removed, I shall carry all before me.’
‘Oh Walter, how you talk!’ cried Milicent – ‘She has far more pieces than you still.’
‘I intend to give you some trouble yet,’ said I; ‘and perhaps, sir, you will find yourself checkmated before you are aware. Look to your queen.’
The combat deepened. The game was a long one, and I did give him some trouble: but he was a better player than I.
‘What keen gamesters you are!’ said Mr Hattersley, who had now entered, and been watching us for some time. ‘Why, Mrs Huntingdon, your hand trembles as if you had staked your all upon it! and Walter – you dog – you look as deep and cool as if you were certain of success, – and as keen and cruel as if you would drain her heart’s blood! – But if I were you, I wouldn’t beat her, for very fear she’ll hate you if you do – she will, by Heaven! – I see it in her eye.’
‘Hold your tongue, will you?’ said I – his talk distracted me, for I was driven to extremities. A few more moves and I was inextricably entangled in the snare of my antagonist.
‘Check,’ – cried he: I sought in agony some means of escape – ’mate!’ he added, quietly but with evident delight. He had suspended the utterance of that last fatal syllable the better to enjoy my dismay. I was foolishly disconcerted by the event. Hattersley laughed; Milicent was troubled to see me so disturbed. Hargrave placed his hand on mine that rested on the table, and, squeezing it with a firm but gentle pressure, murmured ‘Beaten – beaten!’ and gazed into my face with a look where exultation was blended with an expression of ardour and tenderness yet more insulting.
‘No, never, Mr Hargrave!’ exclaimed I, quickly withdrawing my hand.
‘Do you deny?’ replied he, smilingly pointing to the board.
‘No, no,’ I answered, recollecting how strange my conduct must appear; ‘you have beaten me in that game.’
‘Will you try another, then?’
‘No.’
‘You acknowledge my superiority?’
‘Yes – as a chess-player.’
I rose to resume my work.
‘Where is Annabella?’ said Hargrave, gravely, after glancing round the room.
‘Gone out with Lord Lowborough,’ answered I, for he looked at me for a reply.
‘And not yet returned!’ he said seriously.
‘I suppose not.’
‘Where is Huntingdon?’ looking round again.
‘Gone out with Grimsby – as you know,’ said Hattersley suppressing a laugh, which broke forth as he concluded the sentence.
Why did he laugh? Why did Hargrave connect them thus together? Was it true, then? – And was this the dreadful secret he had wished to reveal to me? I must know – and that quickly. I instantly rose and left the room to go in search of Rachel, and demand an explanation of her words; but Mr Hargrave followed me into the ante-room, and before I could open its outer door, gently laid his hand upon the lock.
‘May I tell you something, Mrs Huntingdon?’ said he, in a subdued tone, with serious, downcast eyes.
‘If it be anything worth hearing,’ replied I, struggling to be composed, for I trembled in every limb.
He quietly pushed a chair towards me. I merely leant my hand upon it, and bid him go on.
‘Do not be alarmed,’ said he: ‘what I wish to say is nothing in itself; and I will leave you to draw your own inferences from it You say that. Annabella is not yet returned?’
‘Yes, yes
– go on!’ said I, impatiently, for I feared my forced calmness would leave me before the end of his disclosure, whatever it might be.
‘And you hear,’ continued he, ‘that Huntingdon is gone out with Grimsby?’
‘Well?’
‘I heard the latter say to your husband – or the man who calls himself so –’
‘Go on, sir!’
He bowed submissively, and continued, ‘I heard him say, – “I shall manage it, you’ll see! They’re gone down by the water; I shall meet them there, and tell him I want a bit of talk with him about some things that we needn’t trouble the lady with; and she’ll say she can be walking back to the house; and then I shall apologize, you know, and all that, and tip her a wink to take the way of the shrubbery. I’ll keep him talking there, about those matters I mentioned, and anything else I can think of, as long as I can, and then bring him round the other way, stopping to look at the trees, the fields, and anything else I can find to discourse of” Mr Hargrave paused, and looked at me.
Without a word of comment or further questioning, I rose, and darted from the room and out of the house. The torment of suspense was not to be endured: I would not suspect my husband falsely, on this man’s accusation, and I would not trust him unworthily – I must know the truth at once. I flew to the shrubbery. Scarcely had I reached it, when a sound of voices arrested my breathless speed.
‘We have lingered too long; he will be back,’ said Lady Lowbor-ough’s voice.
‘Surely not, dearest!’ was his reply, ‘but you can run across the lawn, and get in as quietly as you can: I’ll follow in a while.’
My knees trembled under me; my brain swam round: I was ready to faint. She must not see me thus. I shrunk among the bushes, and leant against the trunk of a tree to let her pass.
‘Ah, Huntingdon!’ said she reproachfully, pausing where I had stood with him the night before – ‘it was here you kissed that woman!’ she looked back into the leafy shade. Advancing thence, he answered, with a careless laugh –
