Something had caused the Lady to curse the band and the land around the lake. The men murmured this, and Tulan was one of those who said it most often. He did not say it before me, but I heard his friends speak of this curse and of what Tulan had told them. The boy was watching me even more closely now; I did not dare to go to Birana when we were on the island. We shared our love only during our meetings away from the camp, and there were few such times because we had to labor harder to find food. We lay together on dry ground covered with brown needles and dead leaves, knowing that at least we were safe for a little time, and yet I sometimes sensed the eyes of one watching. Such fears were often with me, and I no longer trusted my own instincts. I could no longer love Birana without thinking that each time together might be our last.
A day came when Wirlan and I were sent to the island together. The healer went up to the hut alone while Birana and I waited by the boat.
“It will be well,” I said to her. “I don’t know enough of healing to be of much use, but Wirlan will find ways to help her.”
She sat down on one of the flat rocks, her legs dangling over the edge. Once the tops of her feet would have nearly met the water, but the lake was lower now. “She may be dying,” she said. She had not said this before in my presence and perhaps had not admitted it to herself. “Arvil, she’s in pain, she can hardly walk. She can’t eat, and often she can’t even keep down the potions you bring her. She tries not to complain, but I see her suffering. I can do so little for her now.”
I knew all this. I had sat outside the hut as Birana tended Nallei and had heard Nallei’s moans as Birana tried to soothe her. “Wirlan will make her better,” I said, trying to believe it.
“I don’t think she wants to get better. I think she wants to die.”
“There is something I must say,” I murmured as I sat beside her. “This land is dying now. We can leave this camp. We can ride away, as we have done before, and never return. We could ride far before they know we are gone for good.”
“I can’t.”
“You dreamed of escaping before.”
She gazed at me. She had pulled her hair up and tied it back from her face. Hollows were in her cheeks, as if she had eaten little for the past days. “I can’t leave Nallei now. If there’s a chance she can live, she’ll need me. If there isn’t, I can’t let her die alone.”
“If you wait too long,” I said, “you’ll have no chance to escape. We’ll need food and there are three horses in the camp. They will provide meat if it’s needed, and that will be the end of our hope of escaping on them.”
“They are my horses. I’ll forbid it.”
She seemed more concerned for the animals than for herself. “How long do you think the men will obey you now? They say they are cursed, that the Lady cannot lift this curse from them. They will begin to rage at you. Nallei would want you to find what escape you can.”
“That isn’t so, Arvil. She clings to me now, I’m all she has left. Do you think I could go from here knowing I’d abandoned her?” She paused. “The men here won’t harm me. Yerlan would never allow it. I could call on him for help if there were any danger, but there won’t be. I can tell the men the curse will be lifted. This weather can’t go on forever. We’ll have a chance to escape later. I can’t leave Nallei now.”
I saw the torment in her face, her fear for us and her concern for Nallei; yet an evil in my soul emerged then, as though the sun and the heat had burned away the bonds that held my wicked thoughts. “I know what lies inside you now,” I heard myself say. “I have shown you pleasures. Now you tire of me and see that you can share them with others. Perhaps you want Yerlan at your side and would welcome his strong body. You don’t even have to risk the danger of his seed growing inside you, for you can show him other ways to reach the holy state.” My anger grew as I spoke, but somehow I was roused as well. I wanted to fling her upon the rocks and take her at that moment, and the thought of Yerlan lying with her fed both my fury and my desire. “Perhaps you want two men to lie together with you. Perhaps your need has grown too great for me to satisfy it alone.”
Her hand darted toward me. She struck such a blow that my cheek burned. As she got to her feet, I rose and lifted my arm. My open hand found her face. She fell, nearly striking her head on the rock.
I dropped to her side. Her cheek was red where I had hit her, but somehow I had held back the full force of my blow. I cupped her head in my hands. “Forgive me,” I said. “Birana, what’s happening to us?”
She pushed me away. “Don’t come near me.”
“Birana…”
“If that’s what you’ve been thinking, then leave the camp by yourself. I don’t care if I never see you again. I should have known how little love there was inside you.”
She sat with her back to me. At last I said, “There’s little love in you if a few evil, careless words and one blow I already regret can divide us.”
She turned her head. As I was about to say more, I heard a sound behind us.
Wirlan was walking down the trail. I stood up, afraid that he might have heard our angry voices, but his long face was solemn, his mind elsewhere. “I must speak to you, Vilan,” he said.
“You may say what you have to say to Me as well,” Birana said as she rose.
“Lady, my words are not of the Holy One’s spirit, but about the body that holds Her. The body is dying. I have seen such an ailment only a few times before, in older men, but Hers is like theirs. Something grows in Her belly and feeds on Her—it is a claw that is tearing Her life from Her. She has been marked by death, Holy One. There is nothing I can do for Her now except ease Her pain.”
“No,” Birana whispered.
“The other Holy One knows it is so. I told Her of Her approaching death. My words did not surprise Her. I shall go to the camp now and bring what I can for Her. She rests, but She will need you soon.”
Birana said, “There must be something you can do.”
Wirlan’s mouth twisted. “Unless You have some magic You can use against death, there is nothing that can be done.”
Birana let out a cry, then stumbled up the path. I stared at the healer, unable to speak. “This illness is a great evil,” he said. “It isn’t a pestilence carried by the wind, or a fever that leaps from one man to another. It is as if the very body turns upon itself and creates its own death from inside.”
“And you can do nothing?”
“This is also part of being a healer, Vilan—knowing that one can only make a death that must come a little easier. I must go and fetch what I can for Her. Yerlan will have to be told.”
“How can you tell him this?”
“He will have to know and prepare the men for Her passing. He can no longer deny it or hide from it. I have sensed for some time that there was a weakness in Her body.” His hand rested on my shoulder. “I must go. The young Holy One may need your help now until I return.”
He pushed the boat into the water. I could not bring myself to go to the hut to witness Nallei’s pain, to see the anger in Birana’s eyes. I thought: The love that brought me here is dying with everything else.
Other men came to the island the next morning, while Wirlan and I returned to the camp. I had expected the Headman to rage against us for being unable to heal Nallei. Instead, he listened to us in silence, then went to sit in front of his dwelling, refusing to speak, gazing about the clearing with unseeing eyes.
Tulan, once so attentive to the horses, had been neglecting them, and it was left to me to find what I could for them. Flame’s coat no longer shone, and I could feel her ribs under my hand. Wild Spirit’s legs seemed almost too thin to carry her, and Star was often weary.
I was feeding them the few roots I had gathered when Aklan ran through the gardens toward the clearing. He stopped before Yerlan and began to speak, waving his arms wildly. The Headman did not move. Wirlan left his dwelling to speak to Aklan, and then the two men came up to me.
“Vilan, you must come wi
th us.” Aklan pulled at my arm. “The hunters of another band wait beyond the wall. They cannot enter the camp and see what is here now, but we must speak to them.”
“This is business for the Headman,” I said, wondering how much longer Yerlan would refuse to act.
“He will not come,” Aklan replied. “He didn’t even seem to hear my words, and the Prayergiver is too weak from the heat to be carried outside. I have fetched the healer instead and would have you come with us as well.”
“I can be of little use,” I said.
“Among them is the man who led you and the blue-eyed Holy One here,” Aklan said. “I think they will speak to you.”
They led me from the camp as I wondered what the other band wanted from us. We walked along the trail until we came to a glade where four hunters stood with the Prayergiver who had guided me here.
I went to him and gripped his arms. He was thinner now, his hair a bit grayer. He embraced me, then stepped back. “Where is your Headman?” he asked.
“He is unable to leave the camp now,” Wirlan answered. “I am healer in this camp. I’ll speak for him.”
The Prayergiver glanced from him to me. “I came here hoping that you, who are so blessed, would know of a way to break the evil spell that lies on us. Now I see that the spell holds you as well.” He motioned his men away, then leaned toward us. “Are the Holy Ones who dwell with you also powerless?” he said in a soft voice.
“I do not know,” Wirlan said. “We wait, as you do, for the spell to be broken.”
“This is what I feared.” The lines around the Prayergiver’s mouth deepened. “Another band not far from us has left their camp to travel west. We have known for some time that we might have to seek other lands. Jerlan, the Headman of my band, asked me to travel here, but I’ll have no good tidings to carry to him. We will have to leave the lake and live elsewhere. Perhaps we can return in another season.” He paused. “And will you leave also?”
“We cannot leave,” Aklan said. “The Lady…” Wirlan gestured at him to be silent. “We cannot leave,” Aklan repeated.
“Return to your camp then,” the Prayergiver said. “Send my greetings to your Headman and Prayergiver. I see that I’ll have to pray for your band as well. I would speak alone to this man now.”
The Prayergiver drew me to one side as Wirlan and Aklan left us. “When I traveled with you and the Holy One,” he murmured, “I thought that She might not be what She seemed, and yet this band accepted Her. My doubts were quieted, but now they come upon me again. I wonder if it was holiness I brought here.”
“It was holiness,” I said. “The Lady struggles against the evil. She’ll find a way to bring life to this band and the lake once more.” I tried to sound convincing.
“We cannot wait. We grow weaker. We must travel to other lands while we still have the strength to do so.”
“They will be strange lands, and you know this one,” I said. “The lake will still give you water and some fish. Other creatures seeking the water may come here and give us game, and there are still the plants that grow on the banks. You know what dangers you face here—you’ll face new ones in another place.”
The Prayergiver shook his head. “It is not only the drought that drives us away, but what it signifies. Holy Ones dwell with you, and yet the Lady has turned Her face from this land. I now wonder what I brought here. But we have a truce with these men and are not strong enough to force the truth from them, even if we did not. I have prayed. The Lady is telling us that it is time to leave this lake until She smiles upon it once more, until the evil is gone.”
I said nothing.
“Jerlan wants to lead us south,” he continued, “for a traveler not long ago told us that the south still thrives. It may be that the time has come for me to say my prayers in a shrine again, to appeal to the Lady in that way.”
I gripped his arm. “You cannot do that. The Lady…”
“Can saying my prayers in a shrine bring any more evil upon us?”
What could I say to him? I could not tell him that those in an enclave might probe his mind and learn of Birana and Nallei. “I am a member of this band,” I said at last, “and our customs are yours. It’s the duty of a Prayergiver to pray in his camp, wherever that camp might be. Your men will need to see you praying for them even more now and keeping to your customs in another land. Others can pray for your band in the shrines.”
He nodded gravely. “There is something in your words,” he said, but I could not tell if he would heed them. “I shall pray for you, Arvil. I must leave you now with whatever lies inside your camp. Tell Tulan that his guardian…” He was silent for a moment. “Jerlan would want the boy with him, but Tulan’s bond is with this band now. Farewell.”
Even word of Jerlan’s band and their decision did nothing to rouse Yerlan. He continued to sit before his dwelling, brooding in silence, sleeping on the ground in front of the entrance. He ate little of the food left for him, and others took what remained, spoiled and fly-marked as it was. Stubble grew on his face, and his light brown hair grew darker with dirt. It was left to Wirlan and Aklan to guide the band, and others did not follow them easily. Often, the men would sit on the shore, as silent as their leader, looking up at the sky for signs of rain or gazing out at the island hopelessly.
I knew what I had to do, yet days passed before I could force myself to approach Wirlan. I still feared that Birana would not speak to me, that I had wounded her too deeply. At last I went to the healer and asked him if I could go to the island. He agreed easily, for some of the men had grown fearful of the island, and there were few willing to go.
Tulan came with me. I had grown used to his sullen silences and to the dark look in his eyes when he gazed at me. But he seemed happier this time and spoke to me with his old friendliness. I felt easier with him by the time we reached the island, happier that he was with me.
I left him by the boat and climbed toward the hut. Nallei was lying outside on her mat, away from the closeness of the air inside. Her body seemed no more than bones under her loose shirt, while her hands were claws folded over her chest. Her bare legs were so thin that I might have circled one thigh with the fingers of one hand. Birana looked up at me, then covered Nallei with a hide.
A fire burned outside the hut. I knelt there, brewed a potion, and handed it to Birana. I had used one of Wirlan’s most powerful roots, one he had dried on his rack for years, one he gave only when a pain was too great for even a brave man to endure. Birana lifted Nallei’s head and held the cup to her lips. Nallei drank, gave out a cry, and fell back. Her clawlike hands clutched at Birana’s sleeve as she moaned piteously.
The sight of Nallei’s suffering tormented me; I saw now why Wirlan viewed the world as he did. There was no meaning in such pain, no purpose; no evil deserved such agony. Nallei cried out, bit her lip until it bled, then began to grow quieter.
“I am not very brave,” Nallei rasped.
“You are braver than many men would be,” I said. She smiled a little; I marveled that she could smile in such a state. “Birana,” I continued, “I must speak to you.” Her blue eyes gazed at me coldly. I had said nothing to her since the day I struck her. “I have much to say to you.”
“I can’t leave Nallei now.”
“Then later, when she rests. Come to me tonight at the place where we have met before.”
She said nothing.
I stood up. “I’ll wait for you, and if you do not come, then there’s nothing more I can do for you. I cannot force you to save yourself.”
Nallei lifted a hand. “She will come, Arvil,” she murmured in her weak voice. “I’ll see to it.”
Tulan, who had tried to cheer me during the day, grew more solemn as we ate our evening meal. As he stretched out to sleep, he reached for my hand. “Vilan…”
“What is it?”
“I still wait. Can you lie with me?”
“Tulan, I cannot think of such things now while the Holy One grows weaker.”
“You will never come to me, then.”
“This isn’t the time to speak of it,” I said harshly.
He let go of my hand and turned his back to me. I touched his head gently. He pushed me away.
I listened impatiently to the sound of his breathing until I was sure he was asleep, then went to the place under the trees where I was to meet Birana. I sat there for a long time, lost in my thoughts. Perhaps she would not come, perhaps her anger with me was still too great.
I did not hear her approach. She was suddenly before me, a shadowy form in the darkness. I got to my feet.
“Nallei’s asleep,” she said. “She sleeps so little now. I couldn’t leave her before. She kept insisting that I go to you, but…” She came toward me and rested her head on my chest. “I don’t want to be angry at you any more, Arvil. I know you didn’t mean it. I thought you might never…”
“Listen to me. We must escape—now, as soon as we can. Tomorrow you will come with me to the camp and we’ll ride away together.” She did not speak. “Are you going to tell me you must stay with Nallei still? I cannot believe she would ask it if you would be safer somewhere else.”
She lifted her head. “She wants me to leave with you. She told me so before. Even in her pain, she was able to tell me that.” Her shoulders shook as a sob escaped her. “She keeps trying to protect me even now, and I can do so little for her.”
“I’ll have Wirlan come to tend her. I don’t think she will suffer much longer.” I stroked her hair. “Will you come with me?”
“Yes.”
I drew her down beside me, feeling how much I had missed her. My hands moved over her until her breath came in short, sharp gasps as I loved her in all the ways she loved best. We would escape and find a place where we could love without fear. I felt her warmth around me as I entered, and my soul sang.
The Shore of Women Page 44
