‘Sure, what’s your favorite?’
‘The one about brushing and brushing and brushing my hair.’ She pulls at her own hair. Jesse looks confused.
‘Uh. I don’t think I have that, sweetie.’ He’s so lovely with her and it reinforces my decision. One day I’ll move out here and he can get me pregnant and be adorable like this with our babies.
‘She means the soundtrack to Tangled,’ Lainey explains. ‘We have it in the car. Brandon, can you grab it? And the DVD, too.’
Jesse puts the dish into the oven, and we head back outside. The conversation breaks off into little groups. The boys in one, the girls in another, and Lainey and I talk about my trip. She tells me to head north the next time I’m here. This is good. Distance be damned. She thinks I’ll be back.
‘If you like good wine, you’ll love it,’ she assures me. ‘There are vineyards everywhere. It’s beautiful. We got married in one. Oh, and you can stay with us.’ She’s bubbly, talkative. I look at her, sitting just down the table from her husband, and I immediately want to take her up on her offer. I want to see the vineyards, I want to visit their house and I want to be part of their lovely family. A warm, calm feeling washes over me and I sit back in my chair. She turns to Holly.
‘And how are things with you? Married life treating you well?’
‘It’s fine,’ she says. ‘What about you? How was the trip down? Did you stop off at all?’
‘Not too shabby,’ says Lainey. ‘We flew. I couldn’t stand to be in the car for all that time. My ankles swell, you know?’
‘How far along are you now?’
‘Twenty-four weeks,’ she says. ‘Six months.’
‘Oh right, a couple of months behind Nicole then,’ she says, but she’s not looking at Lainey when she says it, she’s looking at me. And then her eyes bounce over to Jesse, and her eyebrows raise a fraction, and her lips curl up into a smirk. ‘Right, Jesse?’
‘Huh?’ Lainey says. She shifts uncomfortably.
‘Holly!’ Travis says.
‘Mommy?’ Nancy says.
‘Come on, Nancy.’ Brandon scrapes back his chair and carries her inside.
‘Wait, Nicole, as in…’ I say. I point at Jesse and his face really says it all.
‘Um… Yeah?’ Holly says, and her tone definitely suggests I’m not quite the full shilling. But how was I supposed to know? Up until Travis came over, I had no idea this woman even existed.
‘And you said she’s further along than Lainey? Who, and I’m sure she won’t mind me saying this, is really quite pregnant. Congratulations, by the way. Happy news.’
Holly sits back in her chair, and surveys the chaos she’s created, and I’m beginning to get an inkling that I know exactly what the atmosphere between her and Jesse is about, but I still can’t put my finger on why.
‘Did you know she was having a baby, Jesse?’ I say in an odd, slightly high-pitched voice. ‘Because you didn’t say.’
He looks at the table. He definitely knew. I turn to Holly. ‘How pregnant is she?’
‘I don’t know exactly. Far, though,’ Holly says. ‘Really far. Pretty close to having it I’d say.’
‘Holly,’ Travis repeats. ‘You shouldn’t –’
‘And when did you say she went to New York?’ I interrupt, calmly. I’m working it all out and the answer I keep coming to makes me want to vomit.
‘January,’ he says quietly. There’s fear in his eyes and it hits me like a punch in the gut, because he’s done the exact same maths in his head, too, and the one thing about maths is that it is consistent.
‘And it’s September now and she’s really far gone. Did you know?’ I ask, turning to Travis. ‘When you were here the other day. Did you know? When you said that conversation was coming, is that what you meant?’
He nods but says nothing. Bet this is awkward for him after how well we got on. He side-eyes his brother, who’s now looking like he’d like the world to open and swallow him whole.
‘Please can someone tell me if this is just a really shitty joke? Like some kind of elaborate initiation, or something.’
But no one says anything, and I know it isn’t. And the other thing no one is doing, is reassuring me that Nicole is holed up somewhere cosy on the east coast, with a nice boyfriend, who is definitely the father of the child she’s about to give birth to.
‘Right. Excuse me,’ I say, and I push my chair back and go inside the house. Jesse stands up too, but I stare at him and he stops. ‘Don’t you even think about it,’ I hiss.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Jesse
Travis glares at Holly. Holly stares at her nails. Lainey cradles her head in her hands, and for a few seconds nobody says anything. And then,
‘That was a dick move, Holly,’ Lainey mutters, and we all look at her. Lainey never has a bad word to say about anybody. ‘An asshole move. And for what? Huh? And you,’ she turns to me. ‘Why are you still sitting here? You need to go to her.’
‘But she said –’
‘Oh my god,’ she hisses, and throws her hands up in the air, as if it’s obvious.
Upstairs, Cassie’s sitting on the edge of the bed. She’s wringing her hands and looking at the floor.
‘How long have you known about this?’ she asks, quietly. She doesn’t look up. ‘Truthfully.’
‘Since July,’ I admit. ‘Since I got back from San Francisco.’
‘And you didn’t tell me, why? Why didn’t you tell me, Jesse?’
‘Because it didn’t seem important.’
‘It didn’t seem important. Are you kidding me? Are you or are you not about to have a baby with your ex?’
‘No,’ I say, quickly. ‘I’m not. It’s not… And that’s why it wasn’t important.’
She looks up for the first time, and I take that as an invitation to step further into the room. ‘How do you know? How can you be sure? Has she said that? Did she leave you for someone else?’
‘I mean… no? But… I feel like she’d have been in contact before now if the baby was –’
‘Don’t you think there’s a possibility she found out after she was settled in New York? Didn’t want to leave the job she loved. Figured you didn’t want to be with her anymore and decided to go it alone?’
‘I…’
‘And say down the line she realises it’s tough being a single mum and actually, she wouldn’t mind a bit of help, or at the very least a bit of child support, and she comes knocking.’
‘She’s not –’
‘She’s not what? Like that? She’d be entitled to it. Why wouldn’t she be like that? What happens if she wants to make a life with you and your ready-made family?’ She spits the words out bitterly.
‘Cass,’ I say, but I’ve got nothing. Because what she’s saying makes perfect sense, and this is the first time I’ve really thought about the ramifications.
‘And you never told me,’ she says. ‘And I think that might even be worse.’ She doesn’t even look mad. Just disappointed, and that definitely is worse.
‘If I’d told you,’ I say, sitting down next to her on the edge of the bed, ‘it could have changed everything. And I was afraid you might not want to visit. If we’d had this conversation before you left England you might… and then I wouldn’t ever see you again, and we wouldn’t have this… and I didn’t know how to tell you. How do you tell someone that, Cassie? With those dates. How do you stop them jumping to conclusions? Because I know okay, I know how this looks.’
‘So, what, you were hoping it would all just go away? And never come out? Because, mate, I have news for you.’
‘No.’
She rubs her fingertips in circles over her temples.
‘Did you see her? When you came back from London and went straight to New York. Did you see her?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘I told you, I didn’t even know about this then.’
She nods her head slowly. ‘I mean, either way this is a giant lie by omission. You had ample opportunity
to tell me, and you didn’t. It was weird enough hearing about her from Travis, but now hearing about this from Holly. It should have been you. It all should have been you. You have no idea how much of an idiot I feel,’ she whispers. ‘I thought…’
She rubs her hand across her face and her fingers settle over her mouth. Her eyes are shiny. She rests her elbows on her knees and runs her hands through her hair. ‘When you love someone you tell them the truth. You don’t allow them to be humiliated like that. How much can I mean to you if I wasn’t important enough to know about this?’
‘Cassie, I love you,’ I say. ‘You are important. You’re the most important. I’m sorry. I fucked up. I should have told you.’
I go to put my arms around her but she shakes me off, stands up. Covers her face and chokes out a sob. ‘It doesn’t mean shit,’ she says. ‘Please can you just go?’
Downstairs I lean on the back of the breakfast bar and rake my fingers through my hair. Holly and Travis are nowhere to be seen, which is probably just as well. Brandon is sitting back outside with Nancy on his lap, and they’re coloring a page of a book. He’s keeping things as normal as possible for her. Lainey peers around the door.
‘Is she okay?’
‘What do you think?’ I ask.
‘I think maybe she needs some time.’
I just stare down at the top of the unit, because I don’t know what to believe anymore. ‘Where’s Holly?’ I ask.
‘Travis thought it would be best if they went for a walk. She tried to explain after you went upstairs. I don’t think she meant for all this.’
‘Oh well I guess that makes it all okay, then,’ I snap. Lainey purses her lips and stares at me. She’s about to say something when there are bumps down the steps, and it takes a second or two to realize the thudding sounds aren’t Cassie’s feet, but her suitcase clunking down heavily behind her.
‘Jesse,’ she says, in a small, quiet voice, ‘I think, given the circumstances, it’s best if I go home.’
Her fingers are gripped so tightly around the handle of her case that her knuckles are white. Her eyes are big and round and watery. There’s a black smear directly under one of them.
‘Wait!’ I say, panicked, and the magnitude of the situation hits me. ‘No. I’m sorry about this.’
She stares at me and the look in her eyes is unsettling. The dimness of them stops me from saying any more.
‘It’s a bit too late for apologies,’ she whispers.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I need some space from this. And you need to find out. You can’t be with me if you’ve made a baby with her. It’s not fair. On anyone, really.’
‘Cassie, no. Don’t do this. Please?’
She shakes her head.
‘You can’t build a life with someone when you can’t fully trust them.’
‘We don’t know anything for certain, sweetie,’ Lainey says, gently.
‘We know for certain I’ve been taken for a complete mug. He’s known about this for months. And I’ve come all the way out here, and the whole time there’s been this giant secret that was kept from me. Do you have any idea how not okay this is?’
Lainey nods and looks sad. She definitely knows how not okay this is.
‘Let me call her,’ I say. I’m clutching at straws because my final message to her was never delivered, and I don’t think it was because she was out of range.
She lets go of her bag and folds her arms and I take out my phone and dial. But it doesn’t connect and all I get is a busy tone before it cuts off.
‘What about Facebook?’
‘She’s not on it,’ Lainey explains.
‘So how is Holly the font of all knowledge?’ Cassie asks.
‘They’re friends,’ I shrug. ‘I guess they’ve talked.’
Cassie shudders.
‘Your sister-in-law is friends with your ex who might be having your baby. And she definitely loved telling me. Can you see why this is totally fucked? I have to go.’
‘No! Stay tonight,’ I beg. ‘We’ll talk. We can figure this out.’
People always see things more clearly after a night’s sleep. Everyone will leave. We’ll look carefully at all the different scenarios, and in the morning we’ll wake up and see it with fresh eyes. In the morning, everything will be fine again. All she has to do is stay.
But she’s shaking her head as she tucks her hair behind her ear.
‘Me staying tonight is not going to change anything.’
‘Please, Cass. Not now. Not like this. Please?’
She closes her eyes and a single tear rolls down her cheek. She wipes it away and shakes her head.
‘It’s done. I’ve called a taxi.’ She looks at me and her eyes are hollow. Dulled and muted and sad. And now everything about her seems small and flat and nothing like the girl I’ve fallen so hard for. I pull her towards me and there’s neither resistance nor reciprocation. She’s limp and motionless and disengaged. I might as well be holding a rag doll. A car stops outside. ‘Cab’s here,’ she mutters, and pulls away. I follow her outside.
A bored-looking driver slouches behind the wheel of the waiting car. He’s chewing gum and he watches our exchange from his open window. He’s pretending not to listen but he definitely is. Of course he is. We both know I’m defeated. He pops the trunk and she hauls in her case. She kisses me on the cheek, and reaches her arms around my neck, breathing into my shoulder, definitely trying to hold it together. Her fingers are in my hair, her fingertips caressing the back of my head, and for a second I blindly let myself hope she’s about to change her mind, that she’ll unload the car instead of getting inside it. That she’s not about to do this. But she backs away and opens the door instead. I want so desperately to stop her, to just take her back inside the house, get rid of everyone else and figure it all out. But I can’t do any of that. I can’t even move as this all unfolds around me. I am rooted to the spot. Now the car door is shut and she’s looking at her lap. The driver confirms her destination and she answers and nods. He hits the gas and it’s all over.
Someone puts a hand tentatively on my shoulder, and I don’t even have to look round to know it’s Lainey.
‘Come back inside,’ she says gently, and when I don’t move, she presses her palm against my back and guides me back towards the house.
Travis is inside now, too, and Holly. They’re loitering by the door.
‘Jesse,’ Holly says. ‘I need to say –’
‘No. You don’t need to say anything,’ I interrupt, mad as fuck, spitting out the words through gritted teeth. ‘This is all your fault.’
‘I think she’s trying to apologize,’ Travis cuts in.
‘And you probably shouldn’t start, either,’ I snap. ‘You’re not exactly a paragon of virtue here.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Holly says, hand over her mouth. Travis goes to her and puts his arm around her protectively. He gives me a look which tells me exactly whose side he’s on here, and it’s not mine.
‘What do you want us to do?’ Lainey asks, calmly.
‘I just don’t know, Lainey,’ I say, and head back upstairs.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Jesse
Outside, there is muffled talking. The sound of chairs on decking. Plates and glasses being cleared away. Gulls. The back doors opening, and closing again, and then silence. Inside, my bedroom is a mess. The bed sheets are crumpled. There’s no longer a make-up bag by the mirror. There’s no longer a purple and white toothbrush on the shelf in the bathroom, or a bikini top hanging on the towel rail. There’s no longer a bottle of citrusy perfume on the chest of drawers. The suitcase left in the corner of my room has gone and it’s shadowy in here now, where the sun has moved across the sky, and an orangey glow is beginning to creep across the walls.
The talking has moved inside the house now. People are in the living room. Nancy’s wandering around. She’s steered out of the kitchen by Lainey.
‘I’ll take her to Anaheim for th
e night,’ Brandon is saying, ‘I’ll call them and explain.’
‘Okay, but maybe go out front to make that call,’ Lainey says, and I know why she’s said it. My room is at the back of the house and my window is open. Someone is scraping dishes and stacking the dishwasher, before switching it on. The rhythmic hum just about reaches up the stairs.
Later, there’s a tentative tap at the door, and without waiting for me to answer, Lainey pushes the door open.
‘It’s dark in here,’ she says.
‘Uh huh.’
‘Can I come in?’
‘I think you already did.’
She walks over to me and sits on the edge of the bed. ‘Wanna talk about it?’ she asks.
‘I don’t know what there is to say.’
She scoots back and switches on the side light, smooths her hands over her baby bump, and crosses her ankles. ‘Oh, come on, Jesse,’ she says. ‘That was… I don’t even know what that was.’
‘I should have told her. I didn’t because I didn’t think it was an issue.’
‘When exactly did you find out?’
‘July. Like, right after I got home from seeing you guys. I bought the flights for Cassie. I told Trav about her. Then, I get a call from Holly and she just dropped it in there. I didn’t even hear it from Nicole.’
‘But you spoke to her, right? Once you knew.’
‘Yeah, and that, too, was a bust. Take a look.’
I scroll back to the texts on my phone and hand it over.
‘My god, Jesse, that’s not how you ask that question. How were you raised?’ She hands it back to me and purses her lips.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You totally ambushed her. No wonder she didn’t reply. I’d have blocked your ass too.’
‘No! I said I was open to that discussion.’
Lainey shakes her head. ‘There are ways and then there are ways.’
‘Well, look, my point still stands; she’d have been in touch if it was anything to do with me. She was never afraid to speak her mind.’
‘That’s true,’ Lainey concedes. ‘What a mess.’
We sit on my bed for a few minutes. Neither of us says anything. Then Lainey slides her arm around my shoulders and pulls me towards her. ‘Oh, honey,’ she coos. ‘When Travis called the other day… He said you seemed really happy. He actually said you both did.’
Call Me, Maybe Page 22
