by Box Set
Hell, he couldn’t even imagine what normal was anymore.
The first day alone, he’d puttered around his house until he couldn’t stand the silence anymore. Then he’d sent a text to challenge his brothers and cousins to a game of basketball. As competitive as they were, the game had turned into a brawl that left most of them nursing a few bruises. He’d been worn out enough to sleep that night, but it had brought him no peace. Instead of his usual nightmare where he was pinned down and helpless in the desert, his dreams had been filled with him lost in a deep fog, chasing after something he could never quite find.
He awoke knowing that he had somewhere he needed to be, somewhere he hadn’t managed to go in almost eighteen months. He visited Pete’s grave. The veteran’s cemetery was only an hour southwest of Sacramento, so Derek hadn’t had any real excuse not to go, but he’d never been able to return after the funeral.
Feeling like an idiot, he sat in front of that simple white headstone and talked to his friend, telling him he was sorry, telling him about the work he was doing now, about Katie, about what she’d said about Derek being stuck in Afghanistan. About how he’d let her walk away, and how Pete would have smacked him upside the head if he were there to witness it.
Pete didn’t answer, but Derek still felt better.
Finally, he trailed into silence and just sat there, absorbing the serenity of his surroundings. The green grass, the huge water fountain, the precise rows of white gravestones—it should have been macabre, but there were birds singing, a breeze ruffling through the trees, and the sky was a crystal clear blue. Life went on, even here, in a place meant to mark the passing of the fallen patriots. He closed his eyes, turned his face up to the sun, and let some of the darkness he’d been carrying around be burned away by the light.
It was time to make some changes in his life. Time to pull himself out of the mental quagmire that had left him immobilized for months. He doubted he’d ever entirely get over the loss and guilt of Pete’s death—he wasn’t even sure he wanted to—but he might have decades of life left, and he couldn’t keep on going as he had been. That was no life at all.
He had to pick himself up and put the pieces of his existence back together, instead of just lying there in the shattered mess his world had become. He needed to put down some new roots and not just cling to those he had left from childhood. He was, in every possible sense of the word, living in the past.
So he made some choices that would give him permanence, that would give him a future, that would give him hope.
He was going to accept the standing job offer from the state capitol. Owning his own consulting business didn’t have much of an appeal, and he liked the work he’d been doing. It felt odd, admitting he enjoyed being something other than a SEAL. That had been his only goal for so long: join the Teams and be the best damn SEAL he could be. But that was done now, and he’d be the best damn security specialist he could be. He’d still be keeping people safe, serving a cause greater than himself, just in a different way. He needed that, he realized. A cause, a purpose, something to strive for.
But even more important than his career, he needed to get his personal life sorted out.
And he knew just where to start.
Katie pulled into her parking spot late on Sunday evening. She turned off the ignition and dropped her head against her steering wheel. God, she was tired. Physically and emotionally drained. Helping her friend manage her broken leg and manage her booth had taken every ounce of energy and patience she possessed. Yet she’d still been haunted by thoughts of Derek at least ten times an hour. Nothing could drag her mind away from him for long, and the thought of going home to an empty bed with sheets that still smelled like him made her heart ache with pain, with loss, with utter loneliness.
She took a deep breath and let it ease out. The pain would fade someday, she knew it would. And loneliness was nothing new to her. She’d been on her own for five years, without a single family member to her name. Loss took time, but she would heal, and she would learn from this experience, and be grateful for it. Someday. For now, she’d let herself wallow, eat a pint of ice cream while huddled on her couch wearing her oldest yoga pants, and let Beru’s purring and cuddling soothe her hurt.
Popping open the door, she gathered up the long skirt of her peasant costume, got out of the car, and pulled her small duffle from the backseat. She didn’t even let herself glance at Derek’s place to see if the light was on. It didn’t matter if he was home—they were back to being just neighbors. She dug through her purse looking for her keys when his voice came out of the darkness, making her jerk in surprise.
“Hey, sweetheart.”
She blinked and glanced around, making out his outline where he sat in one of her patio chairs. Her porch light didn’t quite reach that corner. “Uh…hi. What are you doing out here?”
He spread his arms. “Waiting for you.”
That made her heart slam against her ribcage, but she squashed the hope that wanted to form. She forced a light tone. “What, you couldn’t pick the lock?”
“I could.” He rose with his usual predatory grace. “But I decided that wouldn’t start this conversation on the right foot, so I waited out here for you.”
“We need to have a conversation?” Her heart hammered for a whole new reason as he came near and his body heat wrapped around her. She thought she’d have to be dead in order not to react to him.
“Yep.” He waved her toward her door. “May I come in?”
She finished rooting around in her purse and pulled out her keys. Her hands were shaking and it took her a couple of tries to get the door unlocked. She pushed inside and almost tripped over her cat. Great, just when she wanted to appear as if she wasn’t falling apart over missing him, she was a jittery klutz. “What is it we need to discuss, exactly?”
As he followed her inside, he stooped and picked up a yowling Beru, stroking the cat until she purred. “Our new normal. You did say we should think about it.”
“I…okay.” She tried for a smile, but it felt more like a grimace. Stepping out of her sandals, she wiggled her toes. The shoes weren’t accurate to the renaissance period, but she’d been outdoors and it had been blisteringly hot. “Want some coffee?”
Or a shot of vodka? She had some stashed in the back of her freezer. Why, why did he have to pounce the second she returned? She hadn’t even gotten a chance to wallow yet! There’d been no tawdry threesome on her couch with Ben and Jerry. And the only one getting cuddled by Beru was Derek. Yeah, that was fair. She cast her turncoat kitty a sour look.
“I’d take one of those beers that have been abandoned in the back of your fridge.” He set Beru down and walked into her kitchen, fetching the drink himself. “Do you want one?”
She dropped her duffle on the couch. “Sure.”
Pulling out the bottle, he twisted the tops off. “Do you want a glass?”
“No.” It had felt intimate rather than weird to have him serve her breakfast, but this felt awkward. She accepted the bottle, the coldness seeping into her skin. Suddenly, her exhaustion caught up to her in a rush, and she just wanted this to be over. They hadn’t had a real farewell because she’d had to rush out to help her injured friend. So this was it. The grand goodbye. Closure for both of them. “What about our new normal did you need to discuss?”
“Several things.” He didn’t seem to be in any kind of hurry, sauntering over to settle on the arm of her sofa. “I decided to make some changes this weekend.”
“Like what?”
He took a long drink from the bottle, as if he needed a shot of courage. “I’m taking a permanent job at the capitol, for starters. I’m also not renewing the lease on my condo. I think owning my own place is important. Maybe someplace bigger.”
He was leaving the condo complex. She’d never see him again. That rocked her back on her heels. “Oh.”
“Oh?”
“That’s…good.” The words were halting as she tried to force herself
to see this from his perspective. These were things she’d critiqued him for, and she had no right to be upset when he took her advice. “You’re committing to things. That’s pretty huge, actually, considering what you told me the other day.”
He nodded, his blue gaze steady and serious. “Yeah, our conversation opened my eyes to a lot of things I’d been avoiding acknowledging. Thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome.” Now it was her turn to take a fortifying drink. He was making positive changes, and they would take him far away from her. While her mind recognized that that was probably for the best, her battered heart was breaking into tiny pieces.
“I also drove down to Dixon to visit Pete’s grave. I haven’t been there since his funeral.”
Whoa. He had had one heck of a weekend. She took a step toward him and just managed to stop herself from reaching for him. “How did that feel?”
A half-smile formed on his lips. Somehow, the pain and shadows she was used to seeing in his gaze had faded. “Weird, but…good.”
“I’m glad.” She let out a breath. “These are all good things, Derek. Though the complex won’t be the same without you. Mrs. Gomez will miss getting to ogle the dreamy sailor.”
He chuckled. “I still have a few months before my lease expires, and I need to hire a real estate agent to find a house for me.”
“Okay.” She took another swig of beer, the cold bitterness feeling just right under the circumstances. “So our new normal will be you on the other side of the city, huh?”
“Yeah, about that.” He picked at the label on his bottle, and she would almost swear he was nervous. That made no sense though. Derek had nerves of steel, and there was nothing scary about her. Even at her most sarcastic, she was rarely mean. She wasn’t going to make a scene over him leaving. Their affair was over—she had no claim over him and he had none over her.
Sighing, he shook his head. “What were you hoping our new normal would look like?”
She’d thought about it, and there were no easy answers. “I’m just hoping we can be friends. Or at least friendly, if not friends. I know you’re still dealing with a lot of stuff, so I don’t want to put any pressure on you.” Though he seemed to be dealing his issues in quick succession. She pressed her lips together for a moment. “I enjoyed our time together. A lot. I’m sure you know that. I’m also glad that you pushed me to come out of my shell a bit. I needed it.”
A muscle twitched in his jaw. “So some other guy can benefit from you being a little more confident?”
“Maybe.” What was she supposed to say to that? He didn’t want her, but that didn’t mean some other guy wouldn’t. Someone a lot better than Nick, someone who treated her like Derek did, but loved her madly. Which Derek didn’t. She shrugged. “I’m not diving into a new relationship. When I’m ready, I’m going to put myself out there and start dating again though. I really don’t want to die alone with only Beru to notice because I don’t feed her one morning.”
“I’d notice,” he said softly.
“You always noticed me.” She hurried to add, “But you notice everything, so I won’t take it personally.”
“Don’t.” His voice roughened with pain. “Don’t pretend what we had was just par for the course. Don’t insult either of us like that.”
Sudden tears glutted her eyes. “What do you want me to say, Derek? You’re selling your condo to get away from me. That hurts. I was convinced I was practically invisible to men, but you noticed me. You made me feel cherished and important and sexy, even when I wasn’t cosplaying. It’s easy to be confident when you feel like that.” She felt her face crumpling and she gulped in a breath. “That said, I want you to do what’s best for you, and if that means I never see you again, so be it. But I can’t pretend it doesn’t suck. Don’t ask that of me.”
“I won’t.” For a moment, she’d swear there were tears in his eyes, but then he flashed a brilliant smile. “I was actually thinking you might want to share my new place with me.”
Her jaw sagged and a lungful of air wheezed out. “Wh-what?”
“I love you, Katie.”
Stumbling back a few steps, she tripped over her long skirt, and made a graceless flop backwards into her desk chair. “I don’t understand.”
He came over to kneel in front of her, taking her beer and setting both bottles on her worktable. Then he clasped her hands. “I’m not saying this right, despite the fact that I’ve been practicing it in my head most of the day.”
“You have?” She shook her head, trying desperately for this to make sense. Reality had taken a sidestep, and she felt off-balance. “Why?”
“I’ve been avoiding you for a year, sweetheart. I think, deep down, I knew you were the one for me. Right from the beginning, but I wasn’t ready to cope with that, so I stayed away. I was so messed up, just trying to hold it together one day at a time. Hell, I still feel that way sometimes. I’m not going to pretend I don’t.” His fingers tightened on hers. “I told myself that you were too good for me, and I wasn’t good enough for you.”
She shook her head. “That’s crazy. You’re one of the best men I know. I’m not too good for you, and you’re good enough for anyone.”
Something lightened in his gaze, making the ice blue even more intense in color. “I’m hoping to make you happy enough that you never notice how wrong you are about that. I’ve seen and done some things that’d turn your stomach.”
“I imagine there’s no way to be in your line of work and have that not be true.” She leaned toward him, as if that could convey her sincerity. “That doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn’t make me somehow better because I’m a hermit who hides away from the world and makes pretty baubles. If it weren’t for people like you, people like me couldn’t have the nice, safe life we do.”
“I love you.”
Oh, God. He’d said it again, and the words made her heart skip a beat. It almost felt too good to be true. Too much like every fantasy and dream she’d ever had about him coming true when she’d least expected it. She didn’t know how to trust it. “Opposites attract, huh?”
“We’re opposite in some ways, but exactly alike in others.” He ran his thumbs over the backs of her fingers, his expression more open and earnest than she’d ever seen it. “We value our family and friends, even those who aren’t with us any longer. We’d both drop everything for people who matter to us in order to lend a hand. I’d say we’re both protective, aren’t afraid of hard work, and have a decent sense of humor.”
“Yeah.” A wavering smile trembled on her lips. The first tendrils of hope began to unfurl within her. That he could mean what he was saying, that this wasn’t some delusion brought on by her loneliness. “When you put it like that, we’re not so far apart. Except, unlike me, you’re drop dead gorgeous and could have any woman you wanted.”
That elicited an annoyed growl and he moved his hands up to cup her shoulders. “I’ll argue with you on the first part later. As for the second part…the woman I want is you. No one else.”
She almost said you had me from hello, but even she couldn’t get that cheesy, no matter how true the sentiment might be. “I wanted you from the moment I saw you, too. I don’t know if it was love at first sight, or if I had some instinct that you were my future Mr. Right, but I knew that you fascinated me in a way no other man ever had.”
“So, am I?” He shook her a little.
She blinked. “What?”
“Mr. Right.”
That he even doubted for a second was surprising. This was a man who could read people like books, who rarely missed a single detail. “How could you not know?”
“Maybe I’d like some confirmation.” His eyes narrowed. “Say it directly.”
Some devilish imp took hold of her and she leaned in until her lips were a hairsbreadth from his. “Make me.”
“Right, then.” In one smooth motion, he tossed her over his shoulder and rose to his feet. She squealed, clutching at the back of his sh
irt.
“Derek, put me down!” She smacked his butt.
He ignored her and strolled toward her bedroom. “I think this calls for a more inspiring venue.”
Now she pinched where she’d smacked. “You think I’m going to say whatever you want if you make me come?”
“It can’t hurt my case, can it?” When he was beside her bed, he set her on her feet, and stepped back to look her over. “This corset does some amazing things for your breasts, you know.”
“That’s the point.” She took a deep breath and almost spilled out of her bodice. His gaze darkened and his face flushed with desire. Reaching for the tie on her corset, he tugged the bow open, then began slowly unlacing the garment. She shivered as the corset gaped and she felt the cord moving against her gauze blouse. It was erotic, this leisurely undressing, while she could see intense need burning in his gaze. Her heart rate doubled, her breathing quickening to gasps. The corset slipped to the floor and he pulled the blouse over her head, leaving her bared to the waist.
“Say it,” he whispered, dipping forward to press a kiss in the valley of her cleavage.
“Not yet.”
Turning his head, he caught her nipple between his lips and sucked it deep into his mouth. She grabbed his head, rising on her tiptoes as pleasure swept through her. Her sex clenched on emptiness, and she was hot and needy in moments. No one had ever turned her on and turned her inside out so fast in her entire life. He switched to her other breast, batting his tongue over her beaded nipple until she moaned.
Pulling his head up, she kissed him hard. He met her intensity with his own, tilting his head to deepen the contact. The taste of him flooded her mouth—warm and masculine and uniquely Derek—she would never get enough of that flavor. He broke away, chest working like a bellow as he sucked in oxygen. “I want you naked. Now.”
