by Sam Steiner
BERNADETTE. Fine. Spent forty words ordering smoothie.
OLIVER. Getting special dispensation?
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Talk. Partners backing case for extra in courts.
OLIVER. Oh that is so fucking predictable…
He stops, horrified by his careless frittering of words.
BERNADETTE. Long term.
OLIVER. What’s short term?
BERNADETTE. Nobody knows.
Pause.
OLIVER. Nobody knows.
*
Playing Articulate again.
BERNADETTE. Cairo!
OLIVER shakes his head.
Istanbul!
OLIVER nods and gives her a thumbs up.
He takes another deep breath in.
OLIVER. Pushing down. Emotionally.
BERNADETTE. Forgetting.
He shakes his head.
Repressing.
He gestures as if to say ‘close’.
Lying.
OLIVER shakes his head.
Lying.
OLIVER shakes his head again.
I don’t know.
OLIVER. Suppressing. Come on.
BERNADETTE. Lying same thing.
OLIVER. Good training.
She nods.
We’re getting better.
BERNADETTE. Need be more honest with each other.
*
Silence.
BERNADETTE. When I wake up, just for a second I…
OLIVER. Forget.
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
Silence.
*
OLIVER. This one says: Fluffy, you were the light of my life and you loved tuna.
BERNADETTE. Jasper, a really good cat. Often mistaken for a meatloaf.
OLIVER. Maybe that was how he died. He was accidentally baked.
BERNADETTE. Dennis, a cat full of joy. If he could talk, he’d sing.
OLIVER. Dan’s good at / talking about cats.
BERNADETTE. Dan’s good at talking about cats.
OLIVER. What would you put?
BERNADETTE. I’d just put how much I loved them.
Pause.
What?
Pause.
OLIVER. You’re refreshing. I find you refreshing.
BERNADETTE. I’m not refreshing.
OLIVER. You’re a lawyer.
BERNADETTE. I’m a family / lawyer.
OLIVER. You’re a divorce lawyer.
BERNADETTE. They mean the same thing.
OLIVER. We both know which one sounds nicer.
BERNADETTE. We should go.
OLIVER. Where do you / wanna go?
BERNADETTE. I should go.
OLIVER. I’m sorry if I’ve…
BERNADETTE. You have nice eyes.
*
BERNADETTE. Tired?
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Not in the mood to…?
OLIVER. What?
BERNADETTE. It’s been a while.
OLIVER. No. I’m in… I could be.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
They breathe deeply.
Ow.
OLIVER. Sorry.
BERNADETTE. No.
OLIVER. What you want me to do?
BERNADETTE. Just…
Pause.
Yeah. Gently. Ow.
OLIVER. I’m sorry. You need to tell…
BERNADETTE. I’m running low.
OLIVER. Same.
They breathe deeply again.
BERNADETTE. Ow.
OLIVER. Let’s stop.
*
OLIVER. Morning.
BERNADETTE. Morning.
OLIVER. You were talking last night. Through the duct tape. Batman again?
BERNADETTE. Not this time.
*
OLIVER and BERNADETTE stare purposefully into each other’s eyes.
They move their eyes theatrically as if trying to tell a story.
This goes on for a long time.
*
OLIVER. We need to stop meeting here. It’s all a bit morbid.
BERNADETTE. Well, it’s the only place that I know that you know.
OLIVER. You’ve never asked where else I know.
BERNADETTE. Well maybe I just like revisiting the graves of dead cats. Maybe I’m just that kind of girl.
OLIVER. Maybe we should talk about other places that we could meet.
*
BERNADETTE. Think should announce counts when see each other.
OLIVER. Waste.
BERNADETTE. Gives us an idea of where the other’s at.
OLIVER. How many they’ve saved.
BERNADETTE. How many they’ve got.
Pause.
OLIVER. Say how many left after…
BERNADETTE. After count. Yeah.
*
OLIVER. Sixteen.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-seven.
*
OLIVER. Thirty-six.
BERNADETTE. Twenty.
*
OLIVER. Fifty-eight.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-three.
*
BERNADETTE. Twenty-nine.
OLIVER. Ninety-two.
*
BERNADETTE. Twenty-two.
OLIVER. One.
*
OLIVER. Forty-eight.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-two.
OLIVER. You’re very regular.
BERNADETTE. Try save us some.
OLIVER. Not as much as you can. Always in twenties.
BERNADETTE. Good to have quota.
OLIVER. Don’t want life run by quotas.
BERNADETTE. I’m different from you.
OLIVER. I know.
BERNADETTE. Dunderstand.
Pause.
OLIVER. What?
BERNADETTE. You’re so angry.
OLIVER. Not fair. Or free.
BERNADETTE. Sometimes not about fairness.
OLIVER. Zero?
BERNADETTE nods.
What a waste.
*
OLIVER. Fifteen.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-four.
OLIVER. Seen list?
BERNADETTE. Of word sanctuaries.
OLIVER. Courts are on it.
BERNADETTE. You think it’s elitist.
OLIVER. I’m happy. You’ll save more.
*
OLIVER. Forty-two.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-two.
Pause.
OLIVER. Special dispensation.
BERNADETTE. In courtrooms. Extra in courtrooms. I have prep, meetings.
Pause.
Sorry.
OLIVER. I miss you.
BERNADETTE. You don’t.
OLIVER. I do.
BERNADETTE. I’m right here.
OLIVER. Twenty words of you.
BERNADETTE. All of me.
Pause.
OLIVER. No.
*
BERNADETTE. Twenty.
OLIVER. Eight.
BERNADETTE. Let’s not fight about this. Parliament was on list.
OLIVER. Completely abusing it. Jesus.
BERNADETTE. Mmmm.
OLIVER. They’re moving in.
BERNADETTE. You seem excited.
OLIVER holds his index finger up as if telling BERNADETTE to wait.
What?
Pause.
You’re waiting for…
OLIVER. One Hundred Forty.
BERNADETTE. Here we go.
OLIVER. They’re moving into the House of Commons, Bernadette. It’s a live-in word sanctuary for the powerful. And know what they’ve got in there? Twenty-eight food outlets. Twenty-eight. In February they could eat at different one every day.
BERNADETTE. Not on leap years.
OLIVER. There’s a parliamentary hairdresser, a parliamentary florist, a parliamentary gym complete with buffed-up parliamentary / personal trainers.
BERNADETTE. Words.
OLIVER. Don’t care. That’s why keeping press out. They’ve built a cruise ship in the middle of London, they’re mov
ing in and chatting.
BERNADETTE. Don’t get it when people get excited about bad news.
OLIVER. This is what we needed.
BERNADETTE. The movement.
OLIVER. The movement. But everybody too.
BERNADETTE. Something to fight.
OLIVER. Need to talk to Julie.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Why did you and Julie break up?
OLIVER. This is big. Things could happen.
BERNADETTE (mumbled). Need be more honest with / each other.
OLIVER. They’ve fired first shot, thrown first brick.
BERNADETTE. Happy for you.
*
BERNADETTE. Good luck today.
OLIVER. I need to find my air horn.
BERNADETTE. Have you got your ear plugs?
OLIVER. Yeah, I’ve got them but I’m not gonna / wear them.
BERNADETTE. Please wear them.
OLIVER. I want to hear it all.
BERNADETTE. The noise.
OLIVER. The noise.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. The vote’s on Wednesday?
OLIVER. Yep.
BERNADETTE. Five days. Oliver, I’m sorry if you think…
OLIVER. You don’t believe in it, Bernadette. I’m not asking / you to.
BERNADETTE. It’s not that I don’t believe in it. Really. I do believe in it. / It’s a bad law.
OLIVER. It’s that you don’t feel it.
BERNADETTE. Well, I’m sorry if that’s not enough / for me to just agree
OLIVER. It’s not about that. Fuck the air horn, I’ll just shout.
BERNADETTE. Good luck.
OLIVER. Thanks.
*
OLIVER. Six.
BERNADETTE. Twenty-four.
OLIVER. Busy Friday.
BERNADETTE. Dinner with Mum.
He shakes his head.
OLIVER. You.
BERNADETTE. I go alone?
He nods.
What’s going on?
OLIVER. Big fundraiser Friday.
BERNADETTE. Zero?
He nods.
Coming with this time.
Pause. OLIVER looks uncertain.
Coming with you.
*
OLIVER. One hundred six.
BERNADETTE. One hundred twelve.
They smile at each other. Silence.
OLIVER. Beautiful.
BERNADETTE. I look?
OLIVER. Yeah.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Thanks.
*
BERNADETTE. Neville’s a prick.
OLIVER. He’s funny. Big name.
BERNADETTE. Kept putting hands on me.
OLIVER. Being friendly.
BERNADETTE. He’s a slimy slimeball of a man.
OLIVER. Words. And he’s my friend.
BERNADETTE. Wish he wasn’t. You were with her all night.
OLIVER. Who?
BERNADETTE. Your ‘vandal’.
OLIVER. Just grow a backbone, Bernadette.
BERNADETTE. Sorry?
OLIVER. I said just grow a fucking.
OLIVER attempts to say backbone but no sound comes out.
BERNADETTE. Are you out?
OLIVER paces in frustration.
You’re out. Well I’ve got loads left, Oliver. I saved my words for you, Oliver. I’ve got words to throw away because nobody even spoke to me at your angry freedom party.
Silence.
Octopus.
Pause. OLIVER looks at her confused.
Buffalo. Shanghai. Yellow. Aliens. Pasties. Terrorism. Creep. Wasted. California. Rhinoceros. Lemons.
Pause.
Lemons. Lemons. Lemons. Lemons. Lemons. Done.
Long silence.
*
BERNADETTE. Fifteen.
OLIVER. Six.
BERNADETTE. Pass the ketchup.
Pause.
Why did you and Julie break up?
Pause.
You’re running low.
OLIVER. She didn’t really love me any more.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Pass the gravy.
*
OLIVER. Thirty-two.
BERNADETTE. Twelve.
*
OLIVER. Twenty-seven.
BERNADETTE. Five.
*
OLIVER. Forty.
BERNADETTE. Fourteen.
*
OLIVER. One hundred three.
BERNADETTE. Seven.
*
OLIVER. Six.
BERNADETTE. Three.
*
OLIVER. Four.
BERNADETTE. Eight.
*
OLIVER. Two.
BERNADETTE does not respond.
Zero?
She nods.
Right.
*
OLIVER. Hi. Don’t.
BERNADETTE stops herself.
Pause.
Let’s just talk until it goes. Without trying to…
BERNADETTE. Okay.
OLIVER. I miss you.
BERNADETTE. I’m here.
Pause.
OLIVER. It feels like we’ve both been pretending you’re not.
BERNADETTE smiles slightly.
BERNADETTE. That’s exactly how it feels.
Pause.
OLIVER. Okay.
BERNADETTE. I’m running low.
OLIVER. Okay.
BERNADETTE. I’m sorry for all of…
BERNADETTE runs out of words.
OLIVER. Yeah, me too.
Pause. OLIVER lowers himself to the floor.
BERNADETTE follows suit. She taps the floor three times.
S.
OLIVER taps the floor three times.
BERNADETTE copies.
OLIVER taps the floor three times with his right hand and once with his left.
BERNADETTE copies.
Eventually OLIVER begins to tap out a rhythm on the floor.
BERNADETTE begins to drum with him.
They fall silent.
*
BERNADETTE. Twenty-five.
OLIVER. Twenty-five.
Pause.
It feels different.
BERNADETTE. Meeting here?
OLIVER. Yeah. And just ‘here’.
BERNADETTE. Louder.
Pause.
Looks like nobody’s buried cats here for a while.
OLIVER. Maybe they stopped dying.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Here it is.
OLIVER. Dennis, a cat full of joy. If he could talk, he’d sing.
BERNADETTE. Dan’s good at talking about cats.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Refreshing.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. Feels refreshing.
*
OLIVER. Four.
BERNADETTE. Two.
OLIVER (measured). My favourite colour’s yellow.
BERNADETTE. Mine’s red.
*
OLIVER. Seven.
BERNADETTE. Seven.
OLIVER. Squids.
BERNADETTE. Ink.
OLIVER. Poems.
BERNADETTE. Haikus.
OLIVER. Nagasaki.
BERNADETTE. Bombs.
OLIVER. Sex.
BERNADETTE. Shower.
OLIVER. Sex.
BERNADETTE. Dreamer.
OLIVER. Batman.
BERNADETTE. Joker.
OLIVER. Dead.
BERNADETTE. Pets.
*
OLIVER. Ninety-four.
BERNADETTE. Forty-seven. So?
OLIVER. I am gonna go.
BERNADETTE. To the march.
OLIVER. I need to.
BERNADETTE. Why?
OLIVER. Not about me.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
OLIVER. Bernadette.
BERNADETTE. Yeah?
OLIVER. Before it was.
BERNADETTE. About you.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE.
You were scared.
OLIVER. Insecure.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. It’s an unjust law.
OLIVER. And now that’s all it is.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. I’m coming with.
OLIVER. Babysitting again.
BERNADETTE. No. For you.
OLIVER. Lawyer on a protest march.
BERNADETTE. Oliver.
OLIVER. Family lawyer.
BERNADETTE. I work at a law firm. During some hours.
OLIVER. And now that’s all it is?
BERNADETTE. I guess that’s always been all it is.
Pause.
Nothing’s gonna change.
OLIVER smiles sadly and nods.
OLIVER. I know.
*
They breathe deeply.
BERNADETTE. Whoa.
OLIVER. Yeah, that’s…?
BERNADETTE. Yeah.
Pause.
Ah.
OLIVER. Sorry.
BERNADETTE. No. Good.
OLIVER. Running low.
BERNADETTE. Really good.
*
OLIVER. Hundred thirty-seven.
BERNADETTE. Hundred thirty-seven. What want do today?
OLIVER. Just get it all out.
BERNADETTE. Get it all out?
OLIVER begins to sing a song. [In the original production this was the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme tune.]
BERNADETTE joins in.
OLIVER sings until he runs out of words. BERNADETTE continues alone until she too runs out of words which happens long before the song’s end.
Silence.
*
OLIVER. I need tell you something.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. Okay.
OLIVER. On day of the noise march…
BERNADETTE. Space noise march.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. When you and Julie threw the…
Pause.
OLIVER. I slept with her.
Pause.
BERNADETTE. I think I knew.
OLIVER. I think I knew you knew.
Long pause.
BERNADETTE. Thanks for telling me though.
*
BERNADETTE. Instead of ‘I love you’ we could say ‘lovou’.
OLIVER. Yes. Definitely. Exactly.
BERNADETTE. Great.
OLIVER. Great.
BERNADETTE. I think we’re going to deal with this really well.
OLIVER. Yeah, I think we’ll be completely fine.
BERNADETTE. Really / fine.
OLIVER. Really fine. And if, I mean, if we ever don’t quite understand each other, what the other / is trying to
BERNADETTE. I think we will though.
OLIVER. Yeah I know we definitely will. Because we’re so well / prepared.
BERNADETTE. Well prepared. / Exactly.
OLIVER. But if we don’t. I mean if the time comes where we don’t quite get…
BERNADETTE. Right.
OLIVER. We could say ‘dunderstand’.
BERNADETTE. ‘Dunderstand’.
OLIVER. Yeah.
BERNADETTE. That’s a good one.
OLIVER. Thanks.
BERNADETTE. I suppose it’s about finding little tricks like you said.
OLIVER. Yes. I think so. Sort of.
BERNADETTE. Sorf.
OLIVER. Sorf.
The End.
