Then another thought popped into my head. Was Broderick trying to make Cameron hate me? Did he think if he put enough pressure on us that Cameron would break it off and then we wouldn’t have to hide our relationship because there wouldn’t be one to keep secret after all?
While all of these thoughts were spinning in my head, people were patting me on the back, shaking my hand, and generally acting happy for me. Jillian, to my surprise, broke out in a huge grin. I wanted to hate her but I couldn’t make myself feel anything toward her other than resigned acceptance.
Once the congratulations died down, Broderick assured everyone he’d announce my new role on the team in our regularly-scheduled Friday meeting. When he turned the floor back over to Aerin, my gut clenched. I thought I’d prepared myself for this moment but my fortitude had been shaken by Broderick’s announcement and Cameron’s reaction. Now I was back to feeling like I was going to vomit. I wanted to be anywhere but here.
“Thank you Broderick,” Aerin said, nodding his direction. She tried to sound sweet failed, her voice belying her true feelings. “As I was saying before we got sidetracked with Sarah’s news, we have a plan in place to ratchet up interest in both our stars here.” Her voice warmed. She really got off on working with celebrities.
“There’s no denying Cameron and Jillian are two of the most gorgeous people you’ll ever meet, which bodes incredibly well for us. What also bodes well is they don’t have any past scandals or skeletons in their closet that we have to work around. Not that that would have been a problem, mind you. We’ve got the best team in town.” When she paused, it was clear she’d expected someone in the room to agree with the statement. When no one said a word, she coughed into her hand and continued.
“Anyway, it’s really exciting for someone in my profession to be able to take two people and craft their narratives from the beginning.”
Julie touched Cameron’s arm and he looked up to see Aerin staring at him. Holding his gaze for a few moments, she smiled, and then turned to Jillian and did the same. Her focus on his co-star, Cameron slouched low in his seat in an attempt to make himself invisible but at six-foot-five, the very notion was laughable.
“As the stars of this movie, you two are in for a wild ride. People are going to want to know everything about you: who you are, your likes and dislikes, who you’re with.”
As Aerin continued, I tried to keep my face devoid of any strong emotion. Jillian made eye contact with me and smiled. Of course she’s smiling, I thought. She’s completely on board with this plan.
“Which brings me to my next point,” Aerin said, pulling me back to her monologue. “We’ve all talked it over and the best thing we can do before jumping into production is to have our two stars seen together publicly. Frequently. The more this happens, the easier fans will accept you them both as Xander St. John and Arabella Wilson.”
Ah, so that was her gambit. Every one here knew the movie was going to be a hit but Aerin was trying to make it seem like Cameron and Jillian might not be able to carry the weight of it on their shoulders given their relative obscurity.
“There was a lot of speculation leading up to Broderick’s unveiling and many fans had their hearts set on a different actor and actress. Of course, they could never know what we know about you – just how good you’re going to be – but we want them to get comfortable seeing you together. We want them to understand how crazy good you are together.” She paused for a second and then announced, dramatically, “Both on screen and off.”
I had to stifle a gasp. What the fuck?! Was she trying to convince people that Cameron and Jillian already knew one another? That their being cast together wasn’t a mistake? That they actually were in love?! And how come she hadn’t mentioned the other option Broderick had laid out? It had been my least favorite of the two which was why I’d convinced Cameron to go this route instead but now I had to rethink my previous stance. Had it just been a red herring? If so, why trick me like that? Had he known I’d choose this path if presented with the other one? Had he played me? Was Cameron playing me now? So many questions ran rampant through my head and as I felt the weight of each one, my face grow hot with anger and my breath hitched.
Cameron must have heard me because he glanced my way out of the corner of his eyes. Watching me for a fraction of a moment, his eyes went dull and then dragged his gaze to rest on Jillian. He smiled at her, that million-dollar smile I loved so much and suddenly it hit me. Aerin wasn’t presenting the other option because everything had already been decided. When he left me there’d still been forty minutes before this meeting. During that time Cameron must have talked with Broderick – or, more likely, had Julie call Aerin – to set the wheels in motion. If he thought I’d betrayed him, this was just as bad. Maybe worse since we’d agreed on one thing and what they were doing now was something entirely different.
The more Aerin spoke, the clearer it all became. They weren’t going to wait for Vancouver to put the plan into action; it would start immediately. I had a hard time hearing the specific details over the ringing in my ears, but Cameron’s body language wasn’t hard to misinterpret. In a matter of moments, he’d done a complete one-eighty. He was a damn fine actor but this was unlike anything I’d ever seen from him. If I didn’t know him – if I hadn’t known about us – I’d completely believe the tale Aerin was spinning. It took everything I had not to jump out of my chair and run out of the room. As it was, my hands had gone numb and sweat dripped down my spine. On a dime he’d gone from the man I considered “My Cameron” to one I was coming to view as “Their Cameron.”
Their chairs rested in mirrored position, their bodies canted in the others’ direction. Cameron smiled and Jillian’s eyes sparkled. He whispered something in her ear and she let out a light, tinkling laugh. Touched his bare forearm and let her fingers linger proprietarily. Cameron turned and said something to Broderick to which he nodded. All around me people smiled and laughed and said they’d had no idea about Cameron and Jillian.
They both laughed and looked bashful and seeing them pretend to be all googly-eyed and happily in love, there was no doubt in my mind the fandom would eat this shit up. They were gorgeous separately, no doubt, but together they were stunning. Even under false pretenses, if they smiled at each other this way for the paparazzi, in no time whatsoever the public would buy exactly what the studio was selling.
I tuned out for the rest of the meeting and focused on not vomiting. When it finally concluded, Cameron stood and walked out with his agent, never glancing my way. I sat there for a few moments, absorbing the fact that he’d just completely ignored me. Eventually, I grabbed my laptop and went to exit myself.
“Sarah, meet me in twenty minutes in my office,” Broderick said, quickly popping his head around the door and then out just as quickly before he ventured off.
Numb, I responded “Sure,” as I turned off the lights and departed in the opposite direction. I didn’t think he’d heard me. He hadn’t stuck around long enough to.
I dropped my computer onto my desk and as it bounced and crashed to the floor, I didn’t bother to pick it up. I just stood there, feeling the weight of the last several hours settle over me. I was exhausted and didn’t know if I could continue on. From the very first moment Cameron and I came together, it seemed fate had conspired to keep us apart, this fake romance between he and Jillian another in a long series of roadblocks along the way. I rubbed at my chest hoping to lessen the physical ache I felt whenever I thought about them together. As tears stung my eyes, I considered what this new revelation meant for us. I loved him with every fiber of my being, but I was beginning to think loving him was bad for me.
Taking a deep breath to stem the tide of my tears, I checked my phone. I had 15 minutes before my meeting with Broderick. I left my cubicle, intent on hiding in the restroom for the next quarter hour. People knew I was friends with Cameron and I didn’t want to be approached with questions about whether or not I knew about his romance with Jillian. A st
all in the shitter was my safest bet for avoiding such a scenario. When I entered, Jillian and her manager already occupied the space.
“Hi Sarah,” Jillian chirped as her manager nodded my way and exited, leaving the two of us alone together. “Congratulations, by the way.”
“Thanks,” I said, washing my hands for want of something to do.
“Listen …”
I glanced up from my soapy hands to see her reflection in the mirror. She sidled up next to me and held my eyes in the glass. “I know about you and Cameron and I’m sorry.” She turned away from her reflection to face me and I was forced to do the same.
I grabbed a paper towel to dry my hands which gave me something to look at other than her. “Ha,” I huffed. “But thanks anyhow.” We weren’t friends, didn’t even know each other all that well. What sort of response did she expect from me?
“That’s a beautiful ring, by the way.” She raised my hand for closer inspection and I tried not to blanche or pull away. “You must be thrilled.”
My voice hard, I responded, “Yeah, thrilled with my super secret engagement. It’s what every little girl dreams of.” I couldn’t have kept the hurt from my voice even if I tried … and I didn’t.
Knowing that Cameron was engaged to me hadn’t stopped her from participating in that little display back in the conference room. Then again, it hadn’t stopped Cameron either. Right now I didn’t feel like I owed either of them anything, least of all polite discourse.
“I don’t know if it makes you feel any better, but Murray – that’s my boyfriend – he’s not happy about this either. It’s easier for him being on another continent and it helps that we’re used to spending time apart, but he doesn’t like it any better than you that there are going to be photos of his girlfriend kissing another guy. What I do onscreen is one thing, but a fauxmance is something else entirely. He’s going to be so jealous.”
“How long have you and Murray been together?”
“Five years,” she responded wistfully, and by the way she said it I thought she was really, truly in love with him.
“You’re lucky. You’ve had time to be with each other, learn the ins and outs of your relationship and make it work for you. Cameron and I haven’t had that.”
“Broderick told me you two were close friends for a long time and it only recently turned into something more.”
“Yeah, something more …” What else could I say? I didn’t know how to describe what we were or how it had come apart to the people closest to me, much less a woman with who I was competing for my man’s time, if not his affection. It’s not like I was about to tell her one minute Cameron was simply my best friend and the next we were having really hot, really drunk sex that had blown my mind, fulfilled all my deepest, darkest desires. And I really didn’t think she’d understand how quickly our relationship had escalated from there. Everything had happened at near warp speed and I didn’t think she would understand. Hell, sometimes I didn’t even understand how it had all come to be. Sometimes, in the farthest recesses of my mind, I wondered if we had gone slower, taken the time to learn each other’s rhythms, pressed pause just to experience being together without the pressure of marriage, our careers, and looming babies, if we would have ever found our way to this point. Or, would we have realized that while we loved one another, we simply weren’t meant to be?
“Listen, I know this is uncomfortable and you probably hate me, but I just wanted to say that I understand this is going to be rough for you. I’m going to do my best to make it as painless as possible though.”
I stared at Jillian for a moment and tried to let the sincerity of her words infuse me. It was going to be really rough for me, rougher than she could ever imagine. If Cameron’s behavior thus far was any indication, I was going to take the brunt of all of Cameron’s anger as well. Fuck, maybe Murray and I could become pen pals to commiserate about our shared misfortune?
“I don’t hate you. I hate this business.”
“Don’t we all?” she asked rhetorically, as she squeezed my arm and then walked out, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
Finally. Marshalling my feelings, I splashed water on my face and once the redness of my anger had cooled to a ruddy glow, I pulled out my compact and did what I could to fix my ruined makeup. A handful of minutes later, I wandered into Broderick’s office, still reeling and wondering where I went from here.
Sitting down across from him, Broderick clasped his hands over his stomach. “That went well, I thought.”
Did he expect me to dignify that with an answer? When he raised his eyebrows at me, I realized he did. “Depends on your perspective.” From where I sat “well” was not the word I’d use to define that meeting.
“I know I shocked you with the announcement of your promotion.”
When he smiled, happy with that turn of events, it occurred to me he had no idea why I was upset. Completely clueless, he continued on, oblivious to my current state of unease.
“I didn’t want to tell you like that, but that bitch Aerin was getting under my skin. For whatever reason, she hates you and I couldn’t have her being so openly hostile to you under my roof.”
“No, it’s fine,” I said, because really, how Aerin Shandy talked to me was the least of my problems. “What concerns me though, is the rest of it.”
“I’m sorry?” He looked well and truly perplexed and I wondered if that made it better or worse.
“You told me Cameron had two options, but it sounded a lot like only one of them was legitimate. Aerin didn’t even present the other one.”
Broderick sighed and scratched his chin. “He didn’t tell you.” We both knew he wasn’t asking me.
“Clearly not.”
“Shit Sarah, don’t put me in the middle of your lover’s spat.”
I leaned forward in my seat. “Fuck you Broderick. You’re the cause of this spat.” I used my fingers to make air quotes. “If it weren’t for this goddamn movie I’d be choosing bridesmaids and picking out wedding china. Instead I don’t even know if it’s safe to wear this fucking ring without people wanting to know who my fiancé is and why I’ve never mentioned him before. Because of your new plan, I certainly can’t tell them the truth.”
He put his elbows on his desk and leaned forward. I recognized it as an attempt at intimidating me into backing down. No fucking way. I had nothing to lose anymore. When I didn’t so much as flinch, Broderick sighed and eased off. “To be fair, you didn’t have a boyfriend before Sarah.”
I glared at him and wished I was a superhero who could disintegrate people with my mind. Clenching my jaw, I bit out, “Don’t you dare go there.” I took a deep breath and exhaled while pinching the bridge of my nose. My head had started pounding.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered.
Broderick leveled his gaze at me and neither of us spoke for a few moments. Then, “I could tell you some story that would make you feel better but I’m not going to do that. You’re a big girl,”— I flinched even though I knew he wasn’t referencing my size but my ego and self-esteem had taken a beating today and the idea that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough was never far from my thoughts — “You should be able to hear the truth and still behave like a professional. The truth is Aerin and I made an executive decision that from now on, this campaign is on a need-to-know basis and you didn’t need to know.” He dragged his hand through his scruff. “Plenty of people here know that you and Cameron are friends, and just as many of us know that you’ve held a torch for him for years. You’re a sweet girl, Sarah, but you’re no actress. I needed you to be shocked when Aerin told everyone that Jillian and Cameron were together. Any other reaction would have given you away.”
Could someone die from the pounding in their head? No, what about the pounding in their chest? Yes? Because right now I really, really, really felt like both my head and my heart were going to explode and I’d die right here in Broderick’s office. Either I’d die, or I’d kill
him with my bare hands. I clenched my fists and exhaled, tried to keep my composure. Failed.
“Fuck you,” I whispered furiously.
“Watch it, Sarah,” Broderick warned. “He who giveth can also taketh away.”
I really, truly wanted to vomit now. I could taste the bile burn a hole in the back of my throat.
“Go ahead,” I dared. “I have nothing left to take.”
I stood to leave but Broderick wasn’t done with me. “Sarah, sit down.” He extended his hand to indicate I should take my chair.
I stayed standing and we locked in a heated staring contest.
“Please?” he asked, more gently than before.
I leaned my head back and stared at the ceiling, silently willing my tears not to fall. When one leaked out anyway, I dropped my head forward, my chin resting against my chest. “Fine,” I mumbled and took my seat.
My shoulders hunched, I curled in on myself and waited to hear what else he had to say. I should have walked out, but I had nowhere else to go. Broderick had threatened to fire Cameron if he didn’t go along with the plan but I’d recognized “fire” as his code word for “black ball” which was why I’d pushed Cameron so hard to accept it. If I walked out on Broderick now after telling him to go fuck himself, I’d suffer the same fate and never work in Hollywood again. I had a mortgage to pay and not a lot of job prospects outside the industry, even with Broderick’s reference. What I did wasn’t something you just applied for. You had to have connections, have an “in” with people who knew other people to get the type of job I had. He had me between a rock and a hard place and we both knew it.
Lucky Star: A Hollywood Love Story Page 16
