by Renee Dyer
Bracing myself for what I expect to be blinding pain, I start the slow descent of my lips. It’s not as jarring as opening them was, but it’s still not pleasant. Clamping my eyes shut, I deal with the tremors shooting through my system.
“Is the dryness better?” she asks me.
Swallowing once, and then twice, I realize it is a bit better. “Y-es. Th-thank you.” Wow. Words. And I managed to say more than one. Such a small thing, but it feels like the greatest accomplishment. If I had the energy, the strength, I’d sing a damn show tune.
“How about we deal with your pain now?”
“Please.” My voice is still a whisper, but I manage to relay what I really need, a reprieve.
“It must seem weird to be lying on the incision, but it’s best to keep pressure on it. We can help you switch positions in a little bit. As I was telling your mom, today is going to be the worst. Tomorrow you will feel a whole lot better. Probably not great, but you may be able to get up out of this bed.”
If I could tell her she’s full of shit, string that many words together without my head exploding, I would so do that. Instead, I just think it. There’s no way I could feel better that fast. Lunacy. One more way insurance companies push you home faster than they should. Even getting the nurses to convince you you’ll feel better.
“I’m going to wrap this around your bedrail, right here,” she says, showing me a little wand with a red button. “This is the controller to your morphine. If the pain gets too high, push the button. It will not allow you to administer too much medicine, so if you’re in pain and don’t start feeling relief, don’t hesitate to call for a nurse. You’ve probably already used up your morphine for that timeframe and they’ll have to contact your doctor to see if they can give you something else.”
Talking…too much talking. All I caught was pain equals button, and I want to push that button now.
Jamie turns to Nick, her head veering from him to my mom. “After she gets the morphine again, she’s going to fall asleep. That’s normal. Expect her to be out for a while. It’s a good time to get some food or make calls. She needs that rest. We actually prefer visitors step out of the room while the patient sleeps. We will never force you to, but it is recommended.” Her voice is soft…soothing.
“Can I stay until she falls asleep?” Nick asks.
“You can stay as long as you want,” Jamie answers. “Like I said, we will never kick you out. We only make recommendations.”
Jamie turns back to me and gives me her comforting smile. “You ready to feel a little better?”
“Yes, please.” It’s a shaky whisper, but it’s my voice. It’s nice to hear.
Her hand finds my shoulder again. This time, she gives it a tight squeeze right before her other hand finds the red button I’ve been fantasizing about. She leaves my side telling me she’ll be my nurse for a few more hours. I’m not sure why, but it makes dealing with all of this easier. She feels like a friend, even though I know nothing about her.
Warmth envelopes both my hands. Mom and Nick on each side of me, telling me I’ll feel better soon. I can’t look at both at the same time, so my eyes roam side to side. Worry mars their faces, causing me distress. How bad do I look? Did something go wrong I don’t know about?
Questions swirl through my mind, but answers don’t come. A fog descends and their voices slowly fade into the distance.
Tightening around my arm drags me from my restless sleep. Semi-la-la-land is much preferred to being awake. The in between state offering slight relief from wishing I were dead. Morphine spirals me into a realm of confusion, pain masked by a feeling of being disconnected from my body. I want to stay floating, but the tether on my arm squeezes tighter, calling for me to come back to the real world.
“Sorry,” Jamie says as I slit my eyes her way. “We say you need to rest and then we check your vitals every two hours. How’s your pain, Brenna?”
Moving my head slightly, I cower at the immediate waves of torment rolling through my skull. My hand flies to my forehead. “Shit, that smarts,” I mumble, my voice raspy, throat beyond dry.
Her giggle should irritate me, but for some unknown reason, it doesn’t. “I thought I was the only one who said ‘smarts’ when something hurts. Does your forehead hurt?”
“Huh?”
“You grabbed your forehead. Are you having pain there?”
Taking stock of myself, I try to isolate where I truly hurt. It feels like it’s everywhere, but as I try to focus, I don’t think it’s as all over as I imagined. I just can’t pinpoint where it starts.
“Brenna?”
“Hmm?”
“It’s time for your pain meds again. Do you want me to handle it for you?” Her eyes fill with sorrow…I think. I have to wonder again how bad I look.
“Nick?” It still isn’t pleasant to speak in sentences, so I hope she understands what I’m asking.
Her face lights up, and I can’t help but try to smile, too. It appears my computer geek who swears he has no swagger has a following here. “I’ll get him for you. All the nurses think he’s sweet. We practically had to pry him from your side. You have a good man in that one.”
She’s not telling me anything I don’t already know. Nick St. James is one of the last good ones. A true gentleman. He likes to tell me he doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body, but that man has no idea the ways he makes me swoon like an idiot. Apparently, his effect works on nurses, too. I may have to use his charm to get me the good Jell-O when I’m allowed to eat.
“Your mom is still here, too. Would you like her to come in?”
“Yes, please.”
“How about we swab your mouth again real quick? I’ll get them. You visit for about twenty minutes, and then we get you some medicine. We want to stay ahead of your pain as best we can, okay?”
I nod a little, thinking, if this is staying ahead of the pain…I don’t want to know the level it can get to.
“Good. Let’s get you some relief from that dryness.”
Opening my jaw as slow as possible, I brace for the inevitable. As much as I try to stop them, a few tears leak out. Such a fucking cry baby. What happened to the kick ass chick who used to live in this body? I want to scream that she had her head cracked open and it motherfucking feels like someone has their hands inside her neck twisting the muscles around, trying to rip them out, but I don’t think the bitch in my head will listen. Judgment always comes when you’re least likely able to handle it.
“You’re a trooper, Brenna. I’ll get your family now.”
I don’t see Jamie leave as I brush the tears from my eyes. Quickly, I wipe around my lips and try to smooth down my hair, careful not to go anywhere near the back of my head. Funny, isn’t it? No matter how I feel, I still want to be beautiful for Nick.
Voices filter in from the hallway. His reaches me, grabs ahold of my heart, and reminds me I have the most amazing man in the history of men. I want to smile, but instead, I have to force back a river that wants to overflow my face. What the hell is wrong with me? Twenty minutes. That’s all I get before they’ll knock me back into that place between here and nowhere. Where I’m not sure if I actually dream or I’m just hearing the things happening in the hospital around me. I want—no, I need this time with Nick. I need something to hold onto so I can pull myself back from wherever it is I go.
It scares me.
“There’s my gorgeous girl.”
“Hi,” I say, feeling shy. I’ve haven’t been shy around Nick since we first dated, but I’m different now. The doctors took a piece of my skull and I’ll forever have a scar. Will he still find me attractive? When he looks at me, will he see the woman he fell in love with, or will he see damaged goods?
“How are you doing?” he asks, settling into the seat at my side, his hand wrapping around mine.
“Sore. Jamie wants to knock me out, but I needed to see you.”
“I’m glad you didn’t forget me,” he jokes.
Guilt wraps
around me, but I can’t say anything. How do I tell him I did forget him earlier? Would he understand? Would he be angry?
“Jamie says she’ll be back in about twenty minutes,” my mom pipes in as she moves a chair next to Nick. “In the hall, she was telling us you’re going to be kind of in and out of it the rest of the day because of the morphine. Tomorrow they’ll switch you to a less potent pain killer.”
Tomorrow. It’s supposed to be a magical day. I’ll apparently feel better and they’re going to take me off the morphine. I want to believe in miracles, but the vise tightening around my skull tells a different story. I don’t voice my concerns. Mom and Nick look worn out.
“…and Amy-Lynn, your siblings, and your cousin Tess called. Everyone wants to know how you’re doing. I told them you’re the toughest chick I know,” Mom says. I missed the beginning of what she said and I feel awful.
“Please thank them for me,” I say weakly, starting to feel exhausted.
“You know I will,” she assures, squeezing my knee.
“Nick wants to hang around all night, but I’m going to head out now. You need your rest. I’ll be back tomorrow. Is there anything you’d like me to bring?”
I slowly shake my head, unable to think of anything I’d want. I can barely think at all. She walks around the bed and kisses my forehead, whispering for me to sleep as much as I can. Her whispered, “I love you,” is more healing than any medicine the doctors have in this hospital. Before she leaves, she turns and blows me a kiss with a smile on her face. I’ll always be her baby, and she’ll never let me forget it.
Nick’s thumb starts tracing along the top of my hand leisurely, relaxing me like nothing else can. My eyes start to close, and behind my lids I see him and me lounging on our couch together, watching a movie. How I wish we were there now.
“Do you want me to get Jamie for your meds, babe?”
“No,” I reply, not opening my eyes. “Just thinking of where I would rather be than here.”
“I can think of many places. I wish you never had to go through this.” Warm lips against my cheek have me opening my eyes. His face is next to mine and as he starts to pull back, our gazes lock. “I would take this away for you if I could. Every time, I would choose to go through this before I let you feel an inkling of pain. I hate that there is anything in this world I fail to protect you from.”
I try to blink, to force back the tears threatening to fall, but his words break me in a way the agony inside my body can’t. My hands reach for his face, needing to touch him, to feel anchored, loved. Christ…just needing not to feel like a shell of myself. “I’m so sorry, Nick.”
His face falls to my chest and he allows me to hold him there until I’m done gathering the comfort I need. He speaks softly to me, telling me he loves me and everything will be alright. I want to believe our love is the same, but I’m frightened. The last two weeks have been different. We’ve been different. Hell, the last nine months have been. Nine months in other situations is a great thing. When I was pregnant with Brady, we were ecstatic. But this…this has not been a happy thing. We’ve been at each other’s throats, saying awful things, worrying non-stop.
We haven’t been us.
How are we supposed to go back to who we were before? This surgery changes everything.
“I’m sorry, but Brenna has to have her pain medicine now.”
Nick’s head pops up from my chest and we both look over to Jamie. Her face is apologetic, but it’s not her fault. He just nods at her. “I’ll go sit in the waiting room until you wake up. Earlier, Jamie told us you may be able to have some tea and chicken broth at dinner time. I’ll come have dinner with you.”
As nice as that sounds to me, he looks worn out. I would love nothing more than to keep him by my side every second of every day, but I can’t be selfish. He needs rest, too. “I want you to go home and rest.”
“No, Bren. You need me here.”
“I need you healthy. Please. Tell him, Jamie.”
I look at her, my tone pleading. She nods at me.
“Like I told you and Helen earlier, Brenna will be in and out of it the rest of today. She will only get these small bursts like you just saw. As soon as she has the morphine, she’ll go back out. The best thing for her is rest. Tomorrow is the better day to visit. And, she’s right. You need to rest, too.”
“Well, damn. My wife just had her head cracked open and she’s still bossing me around,” he chuckles. “I love you. You know that, right?” he asks, staring at me intently. “Don’t ever forget. Now, take a damn nap so you can feel better. That’s my order.”
“Yes sir,” I answer, wanting to salute him. “I love you.”
I didn’t need Jamie to press my button for me this time. I was more than ready to take the pain away. The pain in my head and heart. Kissing Nick and watching him leave left an ache that almost stopped my breathing.
I really hope everyone is right about tomorrow being a better day.
Chapter Six
Nick
Leaving Brenna last night nearly destroyed me. Just knowing she was lying in the hospital alone made me want to turn back. In my head, I understood she needed to rest, but my heart? It wouldn’t stop splitting into a million pieces. Thinking about how tiny she looked. All those wires. The constant beeping. How she broke down. When she said she was sorry, the tremor in her voice rocked me to my core. There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t give up to take it all away for her.
What sucks most, why I’ve been in a continual state of irritation the last few weeks, is there is nothing I can give up. Nothing will ever take this away. There’s no cure. I’m completely inadequate.
Hearing Brady’s voice was the one moment of serenity in a day of shit. I called to check on him as soon as I got in my car. His sweet voice, saying, “Hi, Daddy,” wiped away some of the tension resting between my shoulder blades. I could have listened to him babble for hours. My mom assured me he was being a good boy. I wanted to hug him and kiss his head, but I had to settle for hearing him blow me raspberries through the line. It was enough to get me through the drive home.
The silence that greeted me when I walked into my house was haunting. Shadows crept along the floor, sliding behind me, whispering my fears. “You should have never left. She needs you. What kind of man are you?” Spinning, I searched every corner, crevice, worried I had lost my mind—the very thing playing a cruel joke on me.
I tried to eat, heating up food the neighbors had brought over, but I gave up after a few bites. I couldn’t taste the food anyway. Hours passed in a blur, the television flickering in front of my eyes. I’m not sure what I watched, but the background noise was a welcome distraction. Many calls came in. Some I answered. Several I didn’t. Talking about how Brenna was doing, if she could have visitors, and when she would be home, got to be too much.. It was all a reminder of how damn much I was missing her.
Missing her.
That’s what I was thinking as I climbed into our bed alone. How the hell did Brenna expect me to rest when I left my heart at the hospital with her? I grabbed her pillow, hugged it to my chest, and allowed the emotions of the day to break free. There was no embarrassment of anyone seeing me weak.
I needed it. Now, I’m ready to be strong for my girl.
***
“You just going to stand there or are you going to come in?”
I didn’t mean to stop and stare at her, but shit…what a difference. She still looks tired, but her color—it’s, uh…she has color. Speaking of, who knew the curtain was purple? I could have sworn it was gray. The same as Brenna’s skin yesterday. Hell, everything seemed dull, almost lifeless. But today, her cheeks are pink and that damn smirk is back on her face. The mischievous woman I fell in love with is staring at me. Her bed is elevated a little. My heart races with excitement. I don’t know what I want to do first: tackle hug her or climb on the bed and kiss her everywhere. Fuck, I can’t do any of those things. I’m just glad to see an improvement.
“Hey,” she replies, smiling. My mind had worked me into such a frenzied state before her surgery, I worried I would never see her smile again. Christ, she’s beautiful. I’m an idiot for doubting her strength. I should have known she’d fight the devil himself to come back to me. To Brady.
“You look so much better. How are you feeling? Did you eat anything yet? Did they change your meds? Has Dr. Wendell been in to see you?”
“Woah, big boy. Relax,” she says, giggling.
“Sorry.” Seeing that glint in her eye made me temporarily forget where we are.
“Never apologize for loving me, Nick.” I stop in my tracks, mesmerized by her love for me. She has no idea how much she means to me. “I have eaten a little. Some chicken broth and Jell-O.”
“Mmm, sounds delicious.”
“Only the best food in the ICU,” she jokes. “I’m off the morphine, so I don’t feel like a zombie. I hope I didn’t say anything embarrassing yesterday. The pain still sucks, but it’s not as bad. Later, they want to get me out of bed. I-I’m nervous,” she admits. “I haven’t tried picking my head up yet. Does it make me a wimp for being too scared to try?” Her hand skims the blanket, a nervous gesture so unlike the confident woman I know.
I can’t wait any longer to touch her, give her the comfort she still needs. My feet start moving again and don’t stop until I’m at her bedside. How could I have forgotten she’s been through hell? Her jokes and returning color shouldn’t have stopped me from remembering my wife is a warrior. She can cover her pain. She’s been doing it for months.
How much of her good mood now is a farce?
Like a bee drawn to a flower, my hand finds hers. Our fingers wrap tightly together and peace washes through me. Her touch calms the crazy that’s been running amuck inside me. My heartbeat slows and I feel like I can breathe for the first time since she was brought in for surgery. Her warm skin against mine and the sun shining through the window gives me hope that she will only continue to feel better. Lifting her hand, I place a kiss to all her fingers and nuzzle my cheek in her palm. It’s merely a fraction of time, a miniscule moment of intimacy, but it feels like we’ve just professed our love for the first time all over again.
