by J Wells
Though he has a straight face, I can’t help but laugh at the ambiguous nature of my thoughts. I kick off my shoes and undress down to my bra and lace panties. I amble between the long grasses and dip my toes into the shallow waters. Looking down I see that it’s crystal clear, but looking farther out towards Tristan, the waters are muddy and conceal him well.
“Shit, that’s cold!” I shout, throwing my arms around my waist.
I walk a couple more steps and feel the water flowing around my thighs. The stones beneath my feet are sharp. Taking two steps forward, I flinch as the water rises to my waist.
“Come on!”
I hear him laughing. He reaches out his hand, which I am quick to grab. My feet are sore, and as he pulls me closer I lift my legs and allow myself to float into his chest. My body tenses as his arms surround and hold me. I lift my head quickly, planting my feet back on the riverbed. My body language speaks for itself. I couldn’t have been more obvious as Tristan backs off and I sense the disappointment in his eyes.
“Tristan, I…” Before I can utter another word, his back is turned.
“Help get this blood off me.”
Apart from the gush of waters, we stand in silence. He shakes out his large wings. Seeing mottled blood, I cup handfuls of water and rub at the stains with my palm. I watch as the crimson turns a pastel pink and then fades further. I begin to straighten each misshapen feather in turn, tucking them back into place. I work my way from his spine out to the very tips of his wings. As he crouches with his back to me, I feel like a bird preening her exotic mate. I jump as he ruffles his feathers. There’s no sign of blood or laceration as he folds them in neatly against his shoulders, and I watch as they merge into his back and disappear. With the absence of his wings, my hands sit neatly on his shoulders.
He grabs at my wrist as if we were waltzing partners and spins me around. Rebalancing, we stand face-to-face. He takes a small step towards me, and it’s as though his eyes smile into mine. My own eyes don’t oblige, and I move away. Throwing my arms into the river, I splash cold water up into his face.
“Why do you have to go and ruin everything?” I snap, ripping my wrist from his hold.
With an abrupt turn, I wade back towards the bank, fighting the current and reeds that wrap themselves around my legs.
“Rose, what’s wrong with you?”
I hear him shouting, but don’t turn back.
“You just don’t get it, do you?” I yell breathlessly as I pull myself up onto the dry grasses. “I don’t want you, I don’t want to love you. Leave me alone.”
I grab my clothes and shoes, and bundling them under my arm I storm off between the trees, deeper into the forest. I have all the company I need, as cracking branches and the serenade of birds break the silence.
“You don’t love me?”
I freeze. The voice I hear is coming from above. I turn around and peer up towards the blue sky. Tristan is partially hidden by leaves, clad in only his jeans, perched on the lower branch of a tree.
“I don’t love anyone!” I yell, bowing my head and pulling the straps of my stilettos around my heels. “All love has ever done is hurt me.”
“Rose, get your head out of your arse. You’re a coward. Life is for living, for taking chances.”
His words are overshadowed by my thoughts as I see Jai’s face before me, see him taking his final breaths, and imagine my mum and the turmoil she must have felt the night she took her life.
He jumps from the tree and lands only feet away from me.
“Go on then,” he goads, walking towards me.
He’s so close that I can’t avoid his eyes, grey and intrusive.
“Tell me you don’t love me.”
I take a step forwards; he will not intimidate me.
“No, Tristan, I don’t love you! You were a sympathy case that I found on the street. You smoke, you eat with your mouth open, you don’t tidy the flat, you’re a slob. And—”
“Oh, and don’t you enjoy listing all my qualities?” he interrupts.
I can’t miss the mocking tone in his voice.
“At least I have feelings and am not too proud to admit them. I’m not scared to live, nor am I scared to die. One thing’s for sure, I intend to bloody enjoy what’s in-between.” He shakes his head. “Rose, you don’t live, you just exist. Maybe it’ll take love to smack you in the face for you to wake up and see what’s standing before you.”
I frown and step back as he holds out his arms.
“You’re not anything like Jai, so fuck you, and fuck off!”
I barge my way past him.
“Rose, that’s something I’ve never pretended to be.”
“Well, you’re boring,” I shout over my shoulder, “and not spontaneous.”
“Boring, am I really?”
I hear a tear as my shirtsleeve is ripped wide open. I raise my hand and pull back my arm to slap his face. Before I make contact and leave that red mark I so desire, he grabs my elbow and throws me back against a nearby tree. His cheek rests against mine and he lifts his chin.
“Tell me you don’t love me,” he whispers into my right ear.
As his words ebb, his hands rip my shirt from my chest.
“I’ll scream, I’ll shout, someone will hear. Now get your hands off me!”
I clench both of my fists and pummel his chest with all my force. He grabs my knuckles and holds me still.
“Is this not spontaneous enough for you?” he quizzes.
He lifts me up, trapping me within his muscular arm, into which my curves fit nicely. I can hear the melodic beat of his angel wings as they reopen. Within moments we have left the forest floor and the river, the canopy of trees below resembling a sea of green pompoms. Higher and higher he takes me, the powdery blue sky seemingly our destiny.
I press my fingers tightly into the taut skin of his arm and cry out for fear he’ll let me go, for fear I’ll fall. Yet in a strange way I’ve never felt so safe.
“Where are you taking me?” I ask, tilting my head.
The pretty blue of only moments ago is now covered with misty clouds that swirl around me; they are all I can see.
Tristan’s head lowers, and I catch the half smile he passes.
“Let me go, Rose. Trust me, lie down.”
“Tristan, don’t lose me!” I scream, pawing at his shoulders, trying to reach up high enough so that I can clasp my arms around his broad neck.
“Well, if you won’t let go…” he murmurs.
I can feel myself falling back and I squeeze my eyelids shut, my screams growing louder. From flying in an upright position, his stance has changed and we now fly horizontally. The beat of his wings slows and we hover, taken higher by passing pockets of air. I’m not falling. I can still feel the comfort of Tristan’s arms and his reassuring breaths against my face. Not daring to look, I am rocked one way and then the other. I can feel him lower me slightly, and I sink into something soft and fluffy, like candyfloss. The silence that surrounds us is surreal; though apprehensive, I can’t help but take a peek. Apart from Tristan’s shadow hanging over me, everything is white. A long sigh of relief passes between my lips.
His fingers release me and my body tenses. I sink deeper and deeper, feeling weightless, lost in the cotton-wool clouds. Cautiously I sit up, my legs dangling beneath me in thin air, but it’s as though a ledge supports me.
I peer up and see that his wings are moving, but now in slow motion. I can feel the soft breeze they create.
“How are you doing this? Why aren’t I falling?”
He flutters to my side, letting his legs dangle too.
“You wanted spontaneity,” he says, a wide grin spreading across his face. “What’s more spontaneous than sitting side by side on a cloud?”
I raise my shoulders and chuckle as his soft white feathers tickle my neck while he wraps me up within his wing.
“Tristan, you just don’t get it. It’s much more than spontaneity, and much more than all of your faults.”
/> I attempt to wriggle free. I feel his feathers vibrate, ensconcing me a little tighter.
The sun has burnt its way through the nearby clouds, and as we float by I can make out the blue sky which is so delicate, so pretty. Below, the ground resembles a patchwork quilt with its many different shades.
“Trapping me on a cloud won’t keep me, angel, part-angel, whatever you are. Now take me down.”
I kick my feet.
“Is that what you want, for me to return you to your vampire?”
“No, not the castle, not Lucian.” I pause and raise my eyebrows. “My dad’s, St Brelade, Jersey, anywhere away from here, anywhere away from you.”
He fidgets, and I watch the way he runs his fingers through his ash-blonde hair.
“Rose, look at me.” He lifts my chin. “Now tell me that’s what you really want.”
“Couldn’t I make it any clearer?” I can almost see my sarcasm, my words as they bite into him.
“If I take you where you ask and leave…”
“Yes, please,” I am quick to add.
“You do know you’ll never set eyes on me again. When I leave you today, I will fly back to this very place, this very cloud. I will close my eyes, close my wings and jump. My human side will die, I’ll never walk this earth as a human again, and I will forever be your fallen angel, your shadows in the night and your sunlight in the morning.”
A tear sparks in the corner of my eye. I flick my head away, my long black hair concealing my face that he mustn’t see. With an inconspicuous sniff, I wipe the tear from my face and listen as he continues.
“You’ll be unable to see me, but I will accompany you throughout your life. Every step you take, I will be standing at your side. The day you let those walls of your heart down, let someone in, allow them to love you, I’ll be there watching, though my heart will break. Rose, you will leave me broken.”
Stupid tears, why am I crying? I think as I feel yet another one make its way onto my cheek before running on its nowhere journey off my chin. His hand reaches up and takes my face between its open fingers. I feel my head as it’s turned to face him.
“All I ask is that you promise to remember me, because I’ll never forget you.”
Our eyes meet and I gasp in a breath of fresh air, almost suffocated by emotion. His soft face, his grey eyes, even the tilt of his smile… I’ve been so blind, so fucking stupid. I could almost dissolve into Tristan’s heartfelt words and the cloud that holds us. Released from his warm feathery embrace, I sit in a daze.
“Well, Rose, looks like you’ve got your wish.”
The cloud dips as he gets to his feet. He smiles down, though I can see the facade, the pain he attempts to hide.
“You did say Jersey? A few moments from now your new life will start,” he utters.
Though I’ve spoken to my tears, they refuse to obey and I can’t hold them any longer. It is not the odd tear that falls; my face is awash and my sniffles are now heart-wrenching sobs. I watch the growing momentum of his wings. Without them around me, it’s as though something is missing. He reaches down towards me, and I jump into his arms. My lips open, and I shower his face with kisses I never imagined giving to anyone again. I can both feel and taste his salty tears as they mingle with my own.
My tongue prompts his moist kisses as I am wrapped within his wings. I walk my fingers across his abs, his tight, muscular arms. The breeze heightens, but it isn’t the reason why my body trembles. My heart races, but it’s not due to the height at which we soar. I rub my open palm against his skin, which feels as smooth as satin. I can feel his hands around my back, though they don’t wander; somehow it seems his hold is enough.
I reach down to the metal button of his jeans and ply it open with my fingers. Lifting the material away from his waist, I slip my hand inside his boxers. My fingers circle his penis; I feel it harden as my grasp moves him backwards and forwards. His moans disperse into my ear as he plays with and flicks open the clasp of my bra. There is an urgency in his fingers, and they have lost their usual softness. He rubs and pulls at my nipples. I set his manhood free. I ruffle his hair as his head lowers, shimming down my body. I feel his tongue, wet and warm, as it laps its way between my breasts and down to my waist, my soft curves. His teeth release the zip of my jeans and I feel the cool denim slide from my thighs. He pinches the thin elastic of my panties and I lift my legs to step out of them. His tongue caresses my most intimate parts. With my involuntary shakes, he pauses, leaving me wanting. He lifts his head and I scrunch his hair between my fingers.
“Are you sure you want this?”
A breathless smile is my response; never have I been so sure of anything.
With the next passing cloud as our bed, Tristan smothers me with tender kisses. He clasps my thighs and I arch my back, opening up to him. I scream out as he thrusts himself inside me. My nails claw at his back. I thought making love to an angel would be gentle, but I was wrong and I like it. I clench my knees around his thighs and he pushes deeper, his movements quickening. I feel the jerk of his body, and he stops and lies still. His chest moves so fast, but I move up and down with him. We stay in one another’s arms for a while, and as his chest slows I feel him lift himself onto his elbows. I can see his face’s rosy glow and the cheeky smirk he wears.
“That didn’t take you long,” I joke.
“Rose,” he pants against my cheek. “That was amazing. My whole existence, my whole life I’ve waited for the right person, the right moment.”
“Tristan, you’re twenty-six. Are you telling me that was your first time?” I giggle.
“Angels don’t do this, they just watch people that do … unseen, of course… So technically speaking, I’ve only waited two and a half of my human years. But you certainly know how to keep a man waiting.”
I bite down on my lip.
“Next time, who knows, I may last the entire night.” He titters, rolling off me, and takes my hand in his.
We lie side by side, staring skywards. What a moment, I think to myself, for we have just made love in the presence of the midday sun. I reach up and stretch out my fingers; heaven feels almost close enough to touch.
“Are you still going to tell me you don’t love me?”
The cloud cushions my head as I turn. My teeth tug at my bottom lip.
“No, Tristan, of course I don’t love you.”
I feel him grab my sides and flinch as he tickles me. I pull up my knees and burst out in laughter. He releases me; I turn on my side and roll on top of him, pinning him down. His eyes are closed as streaming sunlight falls onto his face. With my index finger, starting at his forehead I trace his features, every line, every curve, and on down his neck. When I reach his shoulders I snuggle myself into his arms with my head nestled against his chest, and the lids of my eyes lower. The silence is broken only by the soft beating of his heart.
He lifts his chin and my eyes open; I follow his hand as he points.
“Look, a rabbit.”
“A rabbit?”
“Yes, there.”
I follow the length of his arm as the fluffiest, whitest cloud nears, and then his words make sense. It has ears, a tail; I can even make out the shape of its face.
“I used to do this with my mum as a child,” I tell him.
“I know,” he utters. “I was with you, I’ve always been with you.”
I feel my eyes smart and get to my feet. It’s not Tristan’s arms I feel in need of now, but my mum’s.
“I’ve never stopped missing her you know, even thirteen years on. I can still see her face, hear her voice; her death’s still so raw, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let her go. My eighth birthday…” I reminisce.
Sinking back down at Tristan’s side I shower him with many of my childhood memories. In over two years this is the first time I’ve opened up to anyone.
“Mum is such a hard subject for me, yet talking to you the way I am, it feels like I’m bringing a small part of her back to life.”
“Death doesn’t separate us, it just creates a divide. She’s here with you, and just like angels, it’s just unfortunate that you can’t see her.”
“I love you, Mum!” I cry out into the pastel blue, the swirling clouds and the heavens.
For a short while I sit deep in thought. Tristan’s voice breaks the silence, and I turn his way. He is pulling his jeans back on.
“Here,” he said, throwing me my clothes.
Both partially dressed, we sit on the cloud’s curly edges, kicking our feet in the cool air below. With our hands joined, we peer down on the world with all her misconceptions.
My stomach growls.
“Excuse me!” I hold my hand to my waist.
Tristan smirks. “Someone’s hungry.” He rests his hand on my thigh. “There’s a small café in the forest, food’s not bad, and I know Terry, the owner. You can come with me if you want?”
I shake my head. “Could I possibly stay here a while longer?”
The freedom is overwhelming and I don’t feel ready to leave.
“Yeah, course you can, I’ll be back in no time.”
He stands and I watch his wings open.
“Oh, er… Will I be safe without you?”
I peer down; the world looks so distant, so very small.
“Stay on the clouds, you’ll be fine.”
I run my hands through the cushiony clouds and my eyes widen.
“How are they holding us? They’re only water vapour, we should just fall through, and the sky…”
“I’m an angel, our powers are unique. Be it the elements, the freezing of time, control of the weather, the tide… There are so many more, but I would be here a lifetime if I were to name them all.” The propulsion of his wings increases. “Elements, Rose, my main control is the elements. My secondary control being dreams, which I am afraid I have to admit to being a novice. Since choosing to exist as a mortal, the powers I have I am to use sparingly. Anyway, enough talking, I’ll catch you shortly.”
I notice his pun.
“Very funny!” I shout after him as he leans out from the cloud.
Lifting his wings behind him, he dives. I teeter on the edge, watching till I can no longer see him, and once again I sit back with my thoughts, which release me from my mum and settle on Tristan. I can still see that beautiful red rose that grew from the earth. The fire he released in the mirrors, the air that surrounds me, and the moist water vapour that I sit upon. If this is the life an angel has to offer, I realise I could get quite used to it.
