She dismounted, tied Majesty’s reins to a nearby tree then entered the dark chapel. Squinting, her eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness as she proceeded to the altar and knelt.
Please God, help me.
Gwen prayed for another solution, one in which she wouldn’t have to surrender Sebastian yet she found no solace. There was no other way. She had to let him go. She couldn’t embroil his family in her own disgrace. Though she knew it to be the noble course of action, the realization failed to prepare her for the confrontation to come.
Dear God, give me strength.
The creaking of the heavy oak entry door interrupted Gwen’s inner torment. Sebastian had arrived. She heard him place something on a pew before he walked the length of the aisle and knelt beside her, wrapping her in a tight embrace.
Gwen closed her eyes and leaned into him, aware that this would be the last night she would ever be in his arms.
“Have you been waiting long, Darling?” he asked in a soft, tender voice.
Darling. Her heart skipped a beat as she imagined a lifetime of days and nights hearing Sebastian call her “Darling” or a dozen equally endearing pet names.
She shivered from the dampness of the chapel, or perhaps from her heart aching. She knew not which.
“You’re cold. Come with me, I brought some blankets and brandy.” Sebastian wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and offered her a flask as she sat on the front pew. “Sip some of this. It’ll warm you,” he said, offering her a reassuring smile.
As she sipped from the flask, her hood slipped off, pooling at her shoulders.
“You’re crying.” His hands trembled ever so slightly as he cupped her face. “What happened with your father tonight?”
She raised her lashes, eyes wide in surprise.
“Victoria told me that you would be confronting him tonight,” he explained as he wiped a tear with his gentle thumb. “She was much too hopeful and excited to keep the information to herself.”
More tears welled in her eyes. “Victoria shouldn’t have said anything. I asked her not to. I didn’t want to raise your hopes.”
“It matters not. We can marry without his consent,” he suggested in a whisper.
She shook her head in denial. “You would never recover from the scandal.”
“I don’t care about scandal. It’s you I care about.”
Inches from him, she memorized his every single characteristic … the deep azure of his eyes, his full lips, broad chin, chiseled cheekbones, and the way his dark brows furrowed with concern for her. She reached for him and traced the outline of his smooth jaw with trembling fingers.
“That’s not true. You care about your sister and have reshaped your entire life to protect her from scandal. You can’t cease to shield her on my account.”
“I can protect both of you,” he was adamant, “and I will.”
Gwen stood, walking on unsteady knees to the window, clutching the blanket in a death grip around her shoulders. His words were determined, just as she expected.
Sebastian shadowed her. Smoothing her hair, he insisted, “I love you and I will marry you.”
It was the first time he said that he loved her. His words filled her heart to the point where she was certain it would burst.
He loved her.
She had longed to hear it and now that Gwen had, now that she knew what she would be losing, a part of her wanted to accept Sebastian’s offer of protection, scandal be damned. Her conscience, that nagging inner voice that she wished would shut up, wouldn’t allow her to be selfish regardless of how tempted she was.
Gwen still had no choice but to let him go. She loved him that much.
“I won’t allow your sister to suffer because of me,” she insisted, swallowing hard against the lump in her throat.
He turned her to face him. “Please don’t torment us any further.”
“I can’t marry—”
“You won’t marry me,” he corrected. “I understand why. You’re using my sister as an excuse because you won’t disobey your father.”
“That’s not true,” Gwen averted her gaze. She wanted to make him understand, but he never would no matter how hard she tried.
Honesty wouldn’t make this easier for either of them. Sebastian would never let her go if he knew she had refused to marry Keir. He would sacrifice his reputation, and his sister’s, for Gwen without a moment’s hesitation.
Her chest constricted and she was certain her heart was fracturing into millions of tiny fragments.
“You’re willing to sacrifice your own happiness, and mine, for a father who has never showed you any affection.” His tone was tinged with reproof. “Why Gwen? Tell me why.”
“It’s a daughter’s duty to obey her father—”
“Don’t you dare hide behind duty, Gwendolyn,” Sebastian said, clutching her shoulders. “You know what you want; now fight for it.”
She struggled to control the torrent of tears threatening to overtake her. “Sebastian, you d-don’t understand.”
He shook her as his frustration heightened. “Tell me then. Make me understand.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“It’s too late for that. I’m already hurting.” Sebastian asserted, still shaking her.
In spite of his powerful outburst, his wounded expression betrayed his inner torment and Gwen silently cursed herself for her role in his heartbreak.
“Tell me why you’re doing this to us.” He wrapped her in his tight embrace, as if he decided that shaking her wouldn’t provide him with the answers he sought. “I’m sorry,” he whispered as kissed her head, her cheek, and then her neck.
“Please try to understand,” she begged between sobs.
He rubbed the curve of her back in a soothing circular motion. “Do you love me?” he asked in a hoarse whisper.
“Of course I love you.”
He tipped her face toward his, his features now contorted into a mask of anguish. “Then how can you even think of promising yourself to another man for the rest of your life?”
“Why can’t you see that if we elope, neither you nor your sister would recover from such a scandal?”
“Damn scandal!” He pulled her closer to him. “Scandal will pass.”
Gwen gripped the lapel of his great coat. “The ton is unforgiving and you know that. I won’t sacrifice your sister for my own happiness, no matter how much I want to marry you.”
“Please don’t do this. You want me.” He kissed her closed eyelids between words. “You know how much I want you.”
Sebastian’s sensual tongue trailed her cheeks then reached her lips, the taste of her salty tears lingering on them. Her response was immediate, and in his passionate kiss, she could feel the desperation within him, how much he loved her.
Gwen wrapped her arms around the nape of his neck and succumbed to the fervency of his kiss with the knowledge that this moment would have to last her for the rest of her life.
God, how I love this man.
She bequeathed her soul to him. It would never be recaptured by anyone else.
When their lips parted, Sebastian held her against his heart for an inexhaustible amount of time.
“I will make you happy,” he vowed, as if he was certain she had changed her mind. “I swear to you, I will. Your father will come around, in time.”
Gwen felt as if she were going utterly insane. He wouldn’t listen to reason. She had to end this, dash his hopes forever. But how?
God forgive me for what I’m about to do.
Gathering all of her strength to recite the words, she said with finality, “You could never be happy with me, Sebastian.” Each word stabbed at her flesh like a sharp-bladed knife.
His hand stilled on her back.
While she was still able, Gwen buried her cheek against his warm chest, listening to the commanding rhythm of his heartbeat. The ruthlessness of her plan generated hot tears, blinding her while she continued. “There have been many wom
en before me and there will be many more after me. Do you honestly expect me to believe you will feel this same love for me next year or the year after?”
Sebastian tipped her chin, his eyes measuring her with a fiery stare. “Say you don’t believe me to be so fickle.”
Silence, thick and suffocating, filled the small chapel.
“Please tell me you don’t believe me capable of that. Gwendolyn?” He was desperate, his tone told her so.
“I can’t.” Gwen couldn’t breathe, her hateful words all but choking the very life out of her.
Sebastian winced at her harsh words then released her. His eyes were now devoid of emotion.
“I am so sorry, Sebastian,” she whispered before fleeing from the chapel.
Sebastian stood there, stunned, watching her run out of his life as if the hounds of hell were lapping at her skirts. His world, which for a few brief moments had been sunny with bright colors and vibrant dreams, was now dark and obscure.
She doesn’t believe me to be faithful?
When he first saw her, kneeling in prayer on the damp floor, the tight knot of apprehension in his abdomen had relaxed. He thought she was offering a prayer of thanks; he thought she’d agreed to marry him. That constricting knot within his abdomen tightened once again at the sight of her swollen eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. It hadn’t subsided, and he was certain it never would.
Nor would he ever feel happiness again.
Sebastian rode home in a state of shock. Numb, he stabled his own horse since no servants were aware of his disastrous clandestine meeting then marched straight to his study. He poured himself a tumbler of whiskey. Another soon followed as did then a third.
When he reached the bottom of the whiskey decanter, he moved without hesitation to the decanter of brandy.
How can Gwen believe me to be so fickle?
Sebastian looked back on his life. Gwen had been correct in saying there had been many women in his life, but that was when he was a young man. After bearing witness to numerous women humiliate themselves by chasing after his married father, he learned to view most females of the ton as greedy and manipulative.
At the time, he had known of no happy marriages – marriages of convenience, yes, but each lacked warmth and passion even when viewed from afar. In his earlier opinion, marriage was the means to an end, a way of producing an heir and nothing more.
His parents’ marriage was depraved. His mother opened her heart to his father, placing it on display for all to see, loving her husband without shame while her husband abused and openly cheated on his wife. He further humiliated her by inviting his mistresses to their grand balls. Was it any surprise that Sebastian had no faith in love, let alone the institution of marriage until he met Gwen?
What he wouldn’t give for the chance to relive his life, to live for Gwendolyn or for the promise of her. Hell, if he’d had the foresight to know how she would fill his heart, he would have lived like a monk until he found her.
For the first time since his mother’s death, tears fell freely. Sebastian wept for lost love and unanswered prayers. Most of all, he wept because he had at last experienced the love his mother promised him and Sebastian didn’t want to relinquish her last precious gift.
Gwendolyn was cold, stiff … numb. Surely, a part of her had died this evening.
Though her tears had subsided, she felt certain more would follow. How could they not? Her own spiteful words haunted her, causing her head to throb.
Once safe behind the door to her bedchamber, Gwen changed out of her wet clothes and into a warm velvet robe, tying the thick sash around her waist. She stared into the fire roaring in the grate, noting that she still couldn’t rid herself of the chill that had encompassed her since her confrontation with her father and her subsequent conversation with Sebastian.
Had she really said those horrid things to Sebastian? Gwen shuddered at the memory then sat at her dressing table to attend her hair before retiring. This ritual was one that always comforted her, conjuring memories of her mother brushing her hair when she was a little girl. She found no such comfort on this night.
In between strokes, she froze, clutching her silver plated brush in a tight grasp. “You are such a coward!” she admonished her pale reflection in the mirror.
How could she let Sebastian think that she didn’t believe he loved her?
The very life drained from her as Gwen recalled his gentle words of love and reassurance. How had she repaid him? With lies and malicious accusations, Gwen realized with disgust as she squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to blot out her own vicious actions. It was a lame attempt at best for she would never forget the taste of his kiss, salty from her own tears, and the warmth emanating from his broad frame as he held her in his tight embrace.
She tossed her hairbrush onto her dressing table with force, knocking over a framed portrait of her and Tristan as children. A hollow coldness now buttressed her heart. It was impenetrable. Gwen doubted she would ever feel warm again as she collapsed in the cozy armchair situated in front of the roaring fire. Even from this close proximity, the flames failed to warm her.
Dear God, what did I do to him?
She would never forget the anguish etched in Sebastian’s proud features, the pain clouding his mournful eyes, and how her parting words had visibly stung him. Gwen would never forgive herself for causing him so much grief, nor would she live in a world where Sebastian believed her own viscous accusations.
How could she tell him that she didn’t mean what she said? To see him again, to be forced to walk away from him again, would kill her, of that she was certain.
A missive!
The thought struck her like a bolt of lightning striking the ground at her feet. It was the only way she could spare both herself and Sebastian from further agony.
Gwen stood and headed towards her writing desk. Once seated, she grabbed a blank piece of paper then dipped her quill in ink. Words tumbled onto the page.
Dearest Sebastian,
My parting words already haunt me. I don’t doubt your love for me and I never will. My heart was breaking and I was too cowardly to speak the truth. Instead I opted for an easy escape at your expense.
For the first time since the chaos of my betrothal began, I didn’t base my decision upon my duty to my father. Instead, I did what was best for you and your family. As you have devoted so much of your life to Victoria’s happiness and protection, I pray that you will come to understand my actions.
I am so very sorry I caused you pain. I will always regret my parting words and I will always love you.
Gwendolyn
By the time Gwen signed her name, her hands were visibly shaking as she glanced at the ivory clock on her mantle. Daybreak had arrived. She would be able to deliver instructions and get the note delivered to Sebastian before her bloody cowardice returned.
Slipping out of her suite in search of her trusted butler, Gwen found Norris in the morning room drawing open the heavy drapes. Dawn, she noted with a heavy heart, had brought an end to the misty weather mere hours before.
After issuing explicit instructions to her trusted butler, Gwen returned to her bedchamber where she could hide from the sun, certain that Mother Nature was mocking her torment with such a brilliant sunrise.
She wrapped herself in her warm, down duvet cover. Too tense to sleep, Gwen instead curled upon her chaise before the fire. When she finally drifted into slumber, it was for no more than a few hours. The sound of a maid outside her bedchamber stirred her.
For one brief moment Gwen felt as if her life was normal but reality quickly set in, chilling her body like a sudden gust of wind.
Sebastian awakened love within her and a thousand other glorious sensations that she never before knew existed. Her body now felt hollow without him. A welcomed numbness had spread throughout her limbs in the last few hours, making it easier to confront her uncertain fate. Perhaps it would ease her turmoil during the next confrontation she would have with her father?
She was steadfast in her refusal to marry Keir. Although she feared her father would never forgive her, she no longer cared. Without Sebastian’s love, she didn’t care about anything.
Gwen stood, steeling her shoulders for the upcoming battle. It was time to face her father. She tugged at the bell pull and waited for her maid.
Jane’s cheerful good morning was almost too much for Gwen to abide. “You look like you had a restless night, Miss. Shall I fetch you some warm chocolate and biscuits?”
“Thank you, Jane; however I don’t believe anything will lessen my horrid headache.”
“We shall give it a try, Miss.” Jane’s perseverance made Gwen smile in spite of herself. “Would you like me to open the drapes before I fetch your tray?”
Gwen cringed at the thought of the blinding sunshine. “No, thank you.”
One step at a time, she would tackle her future, when she was fully prepared to do so and not a moment sooner.
Gwen threw open her wardrobe door, surveying her selection.
What does a young woman wear to her execution?
Sebastian awoke from the sweet oblivion of sleep to find himself sprawled on his sofa with an empty brandy decanter nestled in the crook of his arm.
He rolled onto his side then squinted from the harsh sunlight pouring into the room. If only he’d had the foresight to close the damned drapes before he passed out.
Lifting his throbbing head from the armrest, a groan escaped his throat. The cragginess of his own voice startled him. He placed the empty decanter on a gilded table with a head-splitting thump then stumbled to the pull and rang for his butler.
Winston promptly entered the room, the dignified man showing no signs of shock at seeing the disheveled state of his master.
In a whisper, so as to limit the throbbing in his head, Sebastian instructed the man to bring some coffee up to his suite.
It took an eternity to reach the safety of his bedchamber. Thank God those blinds were closed! He collapsed onto his mattress with a deep sigh of appreciation and relief. To his dismay, his inebriated state failed to dull his memory of his last encounter with Gwen.
Dance with Deception: Scandalous Secrets, Book 1 - Exclusive Edition (Scandalous Secrets - Exclusive Edition) Page 11
