by Claire Adams
I didn't know what was going to happen between Eryn and me. In fact, I didn't even know how to begin to talk about it. I hadn't heard from her, and I didn't really know what to say to her even if I had.
I knew that, technically, what we had done had constituted crossing a very strictly-drawn line and, in terms of that, yes, it was wrong. But at the same time, I couldn't help feeling that it had been so, so right.
I had felt it; she had felt it. The unspoken words that had passed between us as we'd kissed had proven that it was something we had both wanted. And I had no clue how we could continue to deny the attraction, the pull, the feelings.
I guess that since I didn't really know what to do – and, apparently, neither did she, as I hadn't heard anything from her – I needed to at least think of something. Pacing my bedroom wasn’t getting me anywhere. I got out my phone and began composing a message.
Hi, Eryn. I just wanted to check on you after what happened in the parking lot. I was going to call, but if you’re with your mom, I don’t want to interrupt.
But here’s the thing… I don't know what to say. I want you to know that it wasn't planned, it just happened. I don't know why. But it felt right. Still, despite this, I know it probably wasn't what we should have done. Let's, for the moment, just continue as if it hadn't happened.
I admit, I care about you very, very much, but your volleyball career is my primary concern. You are one of the best players I've ever come across, and I don't want you to get in trouble with the university. And, I'm sure you can appreciate that I don't want to get in trouble, either. So, for both our sakes, let's just pretend it didn't happen…for now.
And remember, I'm here for you, if you need anything, anything at all. Including car repair. :)
I read the message again and realized that I didn't even know what I was trying to say – but I was really stuck. It was kind of the best I could come up with. Not that it was saying much. I sighed and sent it.
I waited with bated breath for a few minutes, and then my heart began to pound as the phone screen lit up with her reply. With anxious, fumbling fingers I opened the message.
Thanks, Wade. I agree. I can't afford to lose my spot on the team and my scholarship. I really can't. And as you said, I need to put my volleyball career first. So it's probably best that we pretend it didn't happen.
And furthermore, we need to make sure that it never, ever happens again. I'm sorry, but I don't want to cross this line between us again. I don't even want to get close to that line again. Ever.
I appreciate all the help you've given me, especially with my mom, but I think it's best that outside of the volleyball court, we keep a good distance from each other. I know you understand.
I couldn't help but sigh and shake my head. What she was saying made sense, of course, and it was the reasonable and rational way to approach this. It sounded, though, like she really, really regretted that kiss. Had I read too much into it? Had it not meant to her what it had meant to me?
I didn't know what she was actually feeling, but I was confused…and maybe a little hurt.
I typed out a simple response.
Thanks for the reply. I agree – your volleyball career comes ahead of everything else, and I am sorry for stepping over the line. It won't happen again. Have a great weekend.
I sent it and put the phone in my pocket, then flopped down on my bed and simply stared at the ceiling.
Chapter Thirteen
Eryn
I didn't know what I was feeling in the car as I drove away. It all felt surreal; I couldn't believe that what had just happened had actually happened.
Had I really just been making out with Wade? Had that been real? It felt so much like a dream now that I was beginning to doubt my own sanity. This was crazy, it really was. I knew I'd need time to think about all of this – and someone to talk to.
But who?
As much as Leena was my best friend, there was no way I could talk to her about this. I mean, she'd had no idea I'd even been attracted to Wade, or he to me. So, jumping straight into an “I just kissed Coach Vinson” conversation would most likely blow her circuits. Besides, it would just be easier to talk to someone who was totally outside the situation.
My sister. She and I had always been super close, and I knew that I could count on her to keep a secret – and to give me good, honest advice. Plus, she understood where I was coming from, as she knew the secret about my volleyball scholarship, and of course our family's financial situation and mom's current health woes. She knew all about each of these little disasters, so I thought she'd be able to give some good advice about how to deal with this latest situation and all the complexity it introduced into everything else.
I didn't want to call her from home, as Leena would be there and would no doubt hear what I was talking about, so I just carried on driving as I reached my building, and went straight past and headed to the park down the road. It was a big park which spanned the area of a few blocks, so if I went for a walk into the middle, I'd find a space where I'd be able to talk to Anne without having anyone too near who could hear our conversation.
I parked the car and started walking along the bike path. When I got near the little lake at the center of the park, I veered off the path and headed over to an open area of grass where there weren't many people around, only a few people riding bicycles on the bike path, some kids throwing frisbees around, and some couples picnicking here and there. For the most part, they were pretty spread out, so I felt it was private enough.
I got my phone out and dialed Anne. “Hey, Peanut,” she said as she answered.
“Hey, Annie,” I replied.
“Congrats on winning the game!” she exclaimed. “I know, I know…I've already sent you a million messages, but it's good to be able to say it to you. You seriously kicked ass out there. Your coach was so awesome to set that up on Skype for us! It was so cool to watch you play, Eryn, you were amazing!”
“Thanks, Annie,” I replied, still not sure of how to get onto the topic of Wade.
“How's Mom?” she asked. “She doing better?”
“I haven't seen her today yet. I called her after the game and talked to her, but she did sound better. I'm on my way to see her now.”
“Ah, good. I can't imagine how you must have felt when you found her like that. I wish I could be there to help out with everything; it's really not fair that you have to shoulder it all and-”
“No, Annie,” I interrupted her, “you shouldn't think like that. Anyway, you're coming out soon, and I think flying across the country to come help is more than enough. I've been able to handle things okay on my own so far.”
“Aw, you're the best, Eryn, really.”
“You're pretty awesome, too, Annie. You've always been my favorite big sister.”
Anne laughed. “Thanks, kiddo. I appreciate that.”
“Anytime. Look, that's why I need to ask your advice about something kinda serious.”
I had no doubt she could tell by the tone of my voice what I was about to say was serious. “Oh, this is something else? Not about Mom?”
“Uh huh.”
“All right, Eryn, go on. You know I'm always willing to help if I can.”
“Thanks. Ah, I really don't know how to say this...”
“Oh my God, you're not pregnant, are you?”
I couldn't help but laugh at how seriously worried she sounded, which helped lighten the mood a little, and made it easier to speak. “God no. Come on, you should know better than that,” I replied with a chuckle.
“Well, what is it then? Come on, don't keep me waiting in suspense like this!”
I breathed in deeply. There was no way to ease into this; I'd simply have to jump straight in.
“I kissed my coach.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line.
“You...wait. What? You kissed him? You kissed him how? Like a peck on the cheek?”
“I think you know what I mean, Anne.”
“Tongue?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Oh my God! You made out with him? I can’t believe you made out with him?!”
“Yeah.”
“Wow. I'm, uh, I'm sorry, it's just that…well, that was the last thing I expected! But I can hear it in your voice – you're worried about it, so don't mistake my tone for me laughing about it or anything, you know, it's just that I'm, well, very surprised, to say the least.”
“I'm sure you are – I was, too.”
“So you guys haven't been like...dating or anything.”
“Not at all. Well, we have been spending time together. Not in a 'dating' kinda way, though. He happened to be in the same place as me when my car broke down, and he offered to help me fix it.”
“He's a mechanic, too?”
“He said he's always been into messing around with cars and stuff. But anyways, that's beside the point. He helped with the car twice and didn't ask for anything in return. And the night I found Mom – I called him to help out, and he did, and he was supportive and helpful.
“And...I dunno, I guess I sensed that there was something there, that he felt something for me. And, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel something for him, especially after he kinda proved that I was wrong about what sort of guy I assumed he was.”
“And, what sorta guy was that?”
“You know – a guy like Tim. A selfish narcissist who uses his good looks to get women into bed, and then tosses them aside like old gum that's lost its flavor as soon as he gets bored with them. I mean, that's what you'd think about him, right, judging from what all that Hollywood gossip said, and the fact that he dated that trashy actress.
“But it turned out he's not that guy at all. At least, that's what it seems like now. He helped me without any expectation, without asking anything from me. And, he certainly didn't drop any hints about having ulterior motives.”
“All right, all right, I get it. But how did this kiss happen then?”
“Well, the last time he helped me with the car, which was actually just a short while ago, I asked if there was anything I could do to repay him for his help. He said something like 'a kiss would be good,' and even though it seemed like a joke – it also wasn't a joke. And both of us could see it, there was just this...this attraction between us, this real connection, you know?”
“Yeah, I know what you're talking about.”
“So I just did it. I kissed him. I'm not sure what came over me, but I kissed him. And, I won’t lie, Annie, it was freaking amazing. It felt so, so right. Like all this silent, unspoken tension that had been building up between us all this time, it just exploded.”
“So, you don't regret it? You don't think it was a mistake?”
“Well, those are two different questions. I don't regret it. But now I am thinking that maybe it was a mistake...if that makes sense.”
“I hear you. I mean, there's a serious conflict of interests going on here, isn't there? Because, you know, you've got your volleyball scholarship to think about, not to mention your spot on the team, and then there’s your future possible volleyball career, too. A relationship with your coach is just suicide.
“Look, Eryn, there's no other way it's going to be seen but as a scandal. I am just going to say this straight up because I love you, and I want the best for you. You and he might have these feelings for each other, and there’s no way I can say anything about how real or intense those feelings may or may not be, but the fact is, letting this go any further than that kiss is the worst thing you could do.
“There's our family situation to think about, and your volleyball career and finishing your degree. Not to mention how it would impact his life.”
I sighed heavily, the weight of her words and my situation pressing down hard on my shoulders as Anne spoke. She was right, and I knew it. I just didn’t want to know it. I wanted to live in ignorance and kiss him again and again.
“I know, Anne, I know,” I replied softly.
“Sis, you gotta think rationally and clearly here. You really do. If you take any further steps with Wade, you could get in serious trouble.
“First, he's out of the limelight now, but you know what kind of a scandal the press could make of it if they find out he's dating one of his players. Second, you know the university will not tolerate it – not a chance. Your scholarship will be gone, and probably his job, as well.
“And, you know without that scholarship you can't afford to finish your degree. Especially now that Mom is in this situation. Also, we have all of her upcoming medical bills to think of. I mean, that right there, that's three strikes you've just been given. You're out, kiddo; you're out.”
I didn't know what to say. She'd just laid it out for me, clear as day. No matter how much I might have wanted it, there was no way I could get around the fact that a relationship between Wade and I could not progress past a simple coach and player relationship. I was just going to have to forget about how good that kiss had felt, how right it had felt, and how intense our connection to one another was.
“I know, Anne, I know,” I repeated. “Everything you've just told me makes perfect sense, and it's been swimming around my head, as well. I guess I just needed someone to spell it out for me.”
“I'm sorry I made it sound so harsh and cold, Peanut, but you have to understand that your whole future is at stake here. I'm not going to stand by and let my little sister throw the amazing life she has worked so hard for away for the sake of a fling with her coach. You need good, cold, hard advice right now. Not that I’ve ever been one to sugarcoat things.
“You have to nip this in the bud, Eryn, you just have to. You should cut it off right now, and never let it happen again. Seriously, that's the only way to do this. Do you understand? You cannot risk your future. You just can't.”
“Yes, I understand, Annie. Thanks for putting it to me so bluntly.”
“I love you, Peanut. I really do. And I just want the best for you,” she assured me.
“I know you do.”
“All right, well, keep your chin up, and I'll see you soon. I'll let you know as soon as I've bought my plane ticket.”
“Thanks again, Annie. Love you.”
“Love you, too, Eryn. Talk to you soon.”
“Bye.”
I put my phone in my bag and strolled slowly through the park, trying to make sense of everything. It had been a total whirlwind of a day. But Anne was ultimately right. I couldn't afford to throw away my future – no matter how right that kiss had felt.
Just then, I heard my phone buzz in my bag. I took it out, and my heart immediately began beating faster as I saw that it was a message from Wade. I read it with eager eyes.
He said that he was confused about what had happened, but like me, he didn't deny that it had felt right. But like Anne, he was very concerned about the implications that it might have for my volleyball career. His solution was to simply pretend like it hadn't happened.
I admit it. It stung a little...it did. But at the same time, I knew why he was saying that. He wanted to protect me, and he wanted to do the right thing for us both – and that meant keeping his job safe and my volleyball career safe.
I typed out a quick reply, agreeing with what he'd said and emphasizing that we couldn't cross that line again. Ever. I felt my throat tightening up and tears stinging at the corners of my eyes as I typed it. When my thumb hovered over the send button, I almost felt like I was gonna need to sit down. It was a little unsettling how pushing this man away was affecting me.
But this was the reality of our situation, and there was no way I could pretend otherwise. I simply had to accept how things were. He was my coach, and that's all he could be, as much as each of us might have wanted more. Anne was right. I had my career to think about, and my degree, and my mom – and his job was on the line. We both understood what was at risk, and we couldn't throw it away.
I hit send.
Then I sat down on the grass, feeling too weak a
nd a little sick to my stomach to do anything else. Not exactly the most logical reaction. I lay back and stared up at the sky, watching the clouds drift by overhead, wishing I could forget the way being close to him had made me feel.
My phone buzzed, and I read the reply from Wade with tears in my eyes. Not that I’d expected otherwise, but he’d agreed with all that I’d said and that would be the end of things between us. I didn't know how to reply or what to say – so I didn't say anything at all. I just slipped my phone back into my bag and continued to stare up at the clouds in silence.
Chapter Fourteen
Wade
I didn't hear from Eryn for the rest of the weekend, which was probably a good thing. As much as that kiss had been occupying my thoughts, I understood that it wasn't meant to be. At least, most of me did. The logical part, anyway.
I couldn't be selfish here. This wasn’t about me. I reminded myself that if Eryn were to be with me, not only would she put her entire future at risk, but I'd be putting my own future at risk, as well…not to mention my job.
Florida was meant to be a fresh start for me, a chance to get over the mess my life had become on the West Coast. If I were to start a relationship with my star player, it would just throw me right back into a life of scandal and controversy – and that was the last thing I wanted.
Still, even though I knew all of this, it was almost impossible to get my mind off Eryn. After being drawn to her from the moment I saw her, that kiss had sealed the deal. It had been powerful, intense, and in that one moment, all of my repressed feelings for her – and it seemed her feelings for me – were released and then resolved themselves gloriously. I couldn't remember ever feeling so comfortable with a woman, so right.
Life sure could be cruel sometimes.
Despite that we both understood we couldn’t pursue this thing, in the back of my mind, I was still praying that there would be some way things could work out between us. Not that there was a chance in hell of that happening.
The best thing I could do would be to simply concentrate on my job – and even though that meant seeing what I wanted so badly on an almost daily basis, getting lost in coaching and the game was definitely something that would help distract me from this misery.
