“Don’t,” she simply says as she pours another. Fuck, I don’t know what to do.
“Eden, baby, let me take care of you,” I beg her. She shakes her head.
“I can’t trust anyone Jude, not even you. I thought you were the only one I could trust but you lied to me. Angie lied to me, my best friend walked away from me last night after your uncle grabbed me. She didn’t wait for me. My father lied to me, if he is even my father. The woman I thought was my mother lied, my sister too. I love her and she knew I wasn’t really her sister. Dr. Michaels, who I trusted was treating my medical condition was drugging me so that I wouldn’t remember anything from my past. Fuck Jude. I don’t want these memories, I don’t but I can’t stop them. I can’t deny it, that was my life. I want you, I love you but I can’t trust you now,” she says through her tears. Did she really just say she loves me? I watch her pour another shot. I can’t let her drink anymore. She glares at me as I walk briskly towards her but she drinks it in one gulp before I can stop her. I grab the bottle from her and place it on the table.
“Eden, the memories will come back, all of them. You will have the whole story of your life, then you can decide who you want to keep in it and who you want to let go of. Your mother, your real mother, Marisa, she loved you more than anything, she wanted to get you out of that life and she did. Your father took you from that warehouse and gave you a new start, a better life. Eden, you are going to Harvard. If your father didn’t love you than he wouldn’t have risked his life to give you everything he did. Vivian took you in as one of her own. Bethany loves you too. Don’t blame them.
As for me, I am so afraid you will hate me when your memories return. I tried to save you, I was only a teenage boy, I was powerless then against Lex’s men. When I discovered Lex hadn’t killed you I found you and I dedicated myself to protecting you. When I wasn’t on your father’s payroll I checked in on you from time to time. I looked for Lex, made sure he was still far from you but when you moved east to Boston I became your prime protection again. Lex was situated too close. I had to be certain he didn’t know where you lived. Up until now he didn’t but I’m not so sure anymore,” I explained, telling her the truth. She kept her wet eyes on me the whole time, my insides crumbling. I couldn’t read her. Does she hate me? Will she tell me to go?
“Why would you care what happened to me?” she asks, her voice shaking. I’m about to answer her but she raises her finger for me to stop. She closes her eyes then opens them again. Her stare harsh and untrusting.
“I am a child of a hooker. My mother was a druggie. My father never acknowledged me, he was ashamed of me for fifteen years until he had no choice but to take me in or watch me die. He had no choice because Lex called him, demanded he raise me because I was too young for him. Why did you care Jude? Like you said, you were a teenage boy, his life ahead of him, why did you risk your safety for me? Why did you decide to dedicate yourself to protecting me? Why did you bring me food? Why did you let me rest against your warm body when I was so cold? Why did you fucking care Jude?" she demands, her words sounding pained and raw. Her cheeks soaked with tears. It takes everything in me not to grab her and hold her.
“Don’t disregard your mother so quickly Eden. Marisa was in a bad place but she put you first. Your father I have no excuse for. He should have stepped forward sooner but me, yes I cared. You ask me why Eden, when I first saw you my only need, my only desire was to take care of you. I wanted to take you away from that place so bad but I couldn’t. Byron wouldn’t help, he said we had to walk away once his business with Lex was done,” I told her. She continued to stare at me, expressionless except for the pain in her eyes. Please, don’t let her tell me to leave. Not now that I’ve tasted my heaven.
“Why did you search for me? Why did you find me again? Why did you want to protect me? Why are you here with me now? Have I not caused you enough trouble?” she begs for more from me, her voice shaking, her arms wrapped around her waist. Tears are pouring from her eyes. I never wanted to see her cry again and now her tears are because of me. I move towards her but she steps back again.
“Eden, I fell in love with you the moment you smiled at me six years ago. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I kept loving you even when I thought you were dead. I still love you, that is why I am here, that is why I looked for you and why I continue to protect you. Because I love you,” I tell her honestly. I watch as her eyes close, her mouth tightens. Have I hurt her more with my words?
“I’m so sorry Eden, I don’t know how to fix this, how to fix us but I am going to continue to protect you. Until the day I die, I will protect you,” I confess to her, pouring out my heart. I feel drained. I need a shot of whiskey. I pour one, waiting for her to walk out.
After I drink it I turn back to her. She has moved closer to me. She stands in front of me, her eyes looking deeply into mine. I can feel my hands shaking. My breath catches as she leaps towards me, wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I hold her up, surprised and confused. She kisses my mouth, her body pressing against mine. I can feel tears in my eyes, I never cry. I kiss her back, all my fears of losing her come tumbling out as I kiss her frantically, passionately. I’m afraid I’ll hurt her but she doesn’t stop, she doesn’t back away. I run my hands across her back and carry her to the sofa. I place her down on my lap and she moves her lips from mine, kissing my neck. I hold her in my arms, letting my tears of relief fall. She looks back up at me and wipes my cheeks.
“I remember you offering me water and food. You brushed my hair. You shouted at the guards for me. I remember resting my head in your lap and you watched me sleep. I fell in love with you too,” she tells me and my heart hurts at her words. I didn’t know.
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you then,” I tell her. I sit back from her and unbutton my dress shirt. I raise my white tank underneath, revealing my scar. I reach for her hand, trying not to hurt her but I need to share this with her. I place her fingertips on the rippled skin and she shivers.
“You know there is darkness inside me Eden and you have been warned that I will kill for you. This scar is a daily reminder for me to never let my emotions take me away from my duty,” I tell her. I need her to know what I am.
“How did it happen?” she whispers. She wants to know what emotion led me to this. I’m surprised when she inches closer and rests her palm over my scar. She is frightened, I can feel her shake but she loves me.
“Lex had his men hold me down as he wiped his knife on my jeans before raising my tee shirt and against Byrons demands for him to stop he jammed that blade through my skin and up into my ribs. He broke two in the process. His men dropped me and Byron carried me out. I didn’t see you again for three years," I tell her. I can see the tears pooling in her eyes.
"Why did Lex stab you?" She asks, a tear escaping, sliding slowly down her cheek.
"He said it was a reminder, not to touch what is his,” I tell her and she gasps. She remembers something.
"You were hurt for comforting me, for putting my hair in a ponytail, for letting me rest my head on your lap. Oh god Jude, I am so sorry," she cries harder now and I'm shocked. It wasn’t my intention for her to feel guilty.
"Eden, my love no, you have nothing to be sorry for. I would do it again except this time I would kill him and take you with me. Please baby, don’t feel bad. He is a vicious man and I need you to know the danger you’re in. I need you to trust me," I tell her, holding her against my chest. She wraps her arms around my waist and I give her a moment.
"That horrible scar is a constant reminder to you that you took pity on a girl, a girl you should never have met. How can you possibly love me after all the pain I've caused you?" I grip her shoulders and pull her in front of me. I can’t believe she thinks it's her fault. She doesn’t give me a chance to answer.
"All the time you've wasted guarding me when this man, Lex, will kill you if you come near me. I won't let you die trying to save me," she tells me. I can see her
fear and her resolve. She must not remember Lex yet, when she does she won't be so brave. I kiss her forehead.
"I should have saved you last time. I let my emotions for you distract me from coming up with a plan to save you. I won't make that mistake again," I tell her.
"What happened wasn't your fault. If you hadn't been there it would have been a lot darker, you helped me get through it," she says, leaning into me.
“Do you still love me, even after all this?” she asks quietly. I’m surprised by her question, I thought I already told her or maybe she just wants to hear it again.
“Eden, I fell in love with you six years ago and I never stopped. I love you even more now,” I tell her, kissing her deeply. She pulls back and rubs her hand over my scar.
“I love you,” she tells me and I kiss her again, holding her hands in mine. I won’t stop loving this girl and I won't stop fighting for her, ever.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Don’t Go Slowly
Eden
When I awoke early the next morning Jude was already up. I heard the shower running and breathed my relief. I needed a moment to collect myself from the memories that returned to me during the night. It feels as though it is all in my head now. That I just know, I just remember all of it but last night so many pieces came together. I’m sure I must have been tossing and turning. Jude will know. Oh god, I miss my mother so much.
“It was me and her against the world,” I say aloud, wiping a tear from my face, remembering the day I left for boarding school at thirteen.
All I could do was hope the pillow I made her would take my place when she needed someone to hold while she cried. I finished the last few stitches and placed it down on my bed while I stuffed the rest of my clothes into my suitcase. I sat on it to zip it up, it was so full. I didn’t know what to bring so I threw in a bit of everything. My mother told me I’d be home for Thanksgiving break but that was three months away.
“Who will cook for you? What will you eat?” I asked, my final attempt in changing her mind.
“I’ll eat, there are a ton of restaurants on this block. I’ll eat baby. You have to go, you’ll be safer this way and the school is amazing from what I’ve been told. You can get into any college you want when you graduate too. You can become a high priced lawyer and live in a penthouse suite in Manhattan baby. You can do anything Eden,” she said, wiping her raw, red nose. Her eyes were bloodshot and her dress was partially undone. I wanted to ask her if she was sick but I didn’t. She had days like this but recently they seemed to be coming more and more. I wanted to go but I knew my mother needed me, I felt torn but I also knew that what Mr. Lewis says goes, there is no room for debate.
The first thing I thought of when she said I had to leave was who would comfort her on the days she fell apart. That’s why I made her the pillow. I picked it up, breathing deeply and gave it to her when Mr. Lewis' driver arrived to take me away. She looked at me then the pillow again. I had stitched, ‘Eden and Marisa against the world’ in white thread on the red knitted pillow. I watched her eyes close and her lips quiver but she quickly reeled it in. She didn’t want to break down in front of me before I left. I was feeling the same. I knew if I cried then she would too.
It was all Mr. Lewis' idea that I go to boarding school. He had convinced my mother that it was for my own safety and she believed him.
“Now that she is getting older you don’t want her to catch the eye of the wrong man. If this man was to offer me a decent price for her you know I wouldn’t be able to say no. She has to go Marisa,” I heard him tell her. I wondered what price he would get when I should have been wondering why someone would buy me.
“Lex is paying for your education, you should be grateful to him baby. You should know that it was because of your grades and the reviews from your teachers at school that they allowed you in. There is a waiting list but they want you there Eden. It is where you belong. Not here in your Mama’s hell,” she had said with tears brimming in her eyes. I watched her as she walked into the bathroom and poured a fine white powder onto her silver perfume tray and with her red manicured pinky she scooped up a little and snorted it in her already inflamed nostril. I watched as she closed her eyes and shook her head. When she opened her eyes again she seemed calmer. I turned away, not wanting to watch her prepare for her evening out.
Whenever my mother’s beeper went off it usually meant I would be locked in my bedroom for hours or worse, my mother would leave me alone after she dressed up in high heels, red lipstick and clingy dresses. I would turn on the television for background noise so I could read. I didn’t like the sounds coming from our neighbors apartments or the opening and closing of doors in the hallway.
Maybe if I had stayed I could have stopped her from whatever she was doing that upset Lex so much. Maybe I could have told Lex and he would have given us a break at my confession, my honesty. She had said once on my visit home that she had a plan to get us away from Lex. I thought she was just in one of her crazy moods. “What’s the plan Mama?” I asked her while making a salad to go with dinner.
“I am saving up, making a little bonus money. It won’t be long till we can head to I don’t know, maybe Miami or Orlando. Or we could go even further south, what do you think about Mexico? We’ll get a nice little condo on the beach. How does that sound baby?” she asked, dancing around the kitchen.
“That sounds great,” I said smiling. I loved it when she was happy.
The sound of Jude answering the door in the other room, accepting the breakfast tray pulls me from my memory.
“I hope you're dancing on the beach Mama,” I whispered, getting out of bed. I didn’t want to share this with Jude, at least not right now. I cleared my throat and put on my robe just as Jude came walking towards me. He took my breath the way his strong body moved under his snug white t shirt and jeans. His hair still slightly damp and his deep blue eyes held me in his trance. He stared at me like he never wants to let me go.
“Are you okay my beautiful Eden?” he asks, his lips kissing my neck. I wrap my arms around him and sigh.
“I am now,” I tell him. I always feel like I’m going to be okay when he holds me, it’s when he’s gone that I feel how fragile I really am.
He drove us all to the airport and said good bye to Mariana, Sophie and Angie while I waited in the passenger seat. My friends went in to give us a moment of privacy. He promised he was coming too but he had to arrive on a different flight. He couldn’t risk my father hearing that he was joining me in LA. I want to trust my friends but I know that Jude doesn’t. He promised to be at the airport when I land and I trust that he will be. He’ll keep his distance and when the time is right I’ll have him in my arms again.
"Am I going to get through this Jude? Do you think I’m strong enough to face my father and Vivian now? Bethany?” I said, feeling my voice shake. Jude places his arm around me and I rest my cheek against his solid chest.
“You will get through this Eden. You are stronger than you think. You have survived so much already, remember that,” he said.
“I guess I have my last year of school and passing the bar to focus on now. I’ll let all the memories come and then I’ll let them go. What more can there be? Nothing can be worse than losing my mother,” I tell him and he holds me tighter.
“I’ll be with you, lean on me whenever you need to,” he tells me. I will always need him.
“I’ll miss you, probably too much," I say, entwining my fingers with his.
"I’ll miss you my beautiful girl. You are going to survive this Eden and I am going to see you very soon. I'll text you the moment I land. When did you say you planned to move back to Boston?" he asks. The way he said survive made me shudder as I remembered my vision again. I’m not free of the past yet. I look into his eyes, seeing him holding me years ago. I quickly look away, afraid to cause a scene.
"I'll be leaving LA in two days," I tell him, he nods as though he's working things out in his life already to be with me. I lov
e him. Oh god, help me, he is going to ruin me.
"I don't regret a thing Eden. I would meet you all over again, now and then, I would kiss you more and sooner though," he tells me. I lean into him and he holds me close. I know my friends are waiting patiently inside the doors and I should go. I tilt my face up to look at him one more time. He kisses me so passionately my knees go weak. I grip onto his shirt, not wanting him to stop. I whimper when he pulls away.
"Go Eden before I throw you in the back seat and ravage you, right here, right now," he warns me with his sexy, deep accent and I almost beg him to. He can tell by my eyes that I don't want to leave him. I grab the straps of my backpack and shrug it on. He brushes a few strands of my loose curls from my face and kisses me again.
"Call me when you can," I whisper and he nods. He watches me walk into the airport and join my friends. Mariana wraps her arm around my shoulder as we walk towards the gates. I dared a look back but he was gone. My heart sunk. I was so close to giving up everything for him. If he had asked I probably would have. All I want is to be in his arms.
He told me it wasn’t over and I believe him but a part of me just dies every time he walks away. I need him in my life. He is my protector, my lover, my past and my future. I can’t let him go, he belongs to me. I can’t let another woman take him from me. I’m not the possessive type at least I haven’t been until him. Until Jude. Now I am a psychotic mess. I am obsessed and I don’t know how to keep him. They all look confused and unsure of what to say to me. I just said goodbye to the love of my life. Even as I stand there about to walk through customs and board a flight for thirteen hours my body aches for him. I just need to hold his hand and kiss his lips. I wipe a tear and without a word I walk through customs.
Jude's Salvation: This Love Series Page 12
