Even in college she’d always been able to make him feel things no other person could. Like now for instance, she easily put to light his callousness and he had to agree with her. But really, who could blame him when he'd spent weeks watching his goddaughter tailspin into depression and wasn't able do anything to help her.
Ellie was stronger than this. The girl who'd arrived on his doorstep all those years ago had grown into a self-assured woman who didn't take anything lying down. Despite the age difference, Gabe looked up to his goddaughter. All she had accomplished, the obstacles she'd overcome and still she was able to laugh every day, appreciate all she had. Ellie gave Gabe hope; it was because of her that he and Ronnie were together. Her courage fortified him, made him believe that he could love again, live again and with Ronnie Gabe was discovering that it was remarkably easy to do those things. It was Gabe's fondest wish to one day share his surname with her, but that was a story for another time. Now all that mattered was getting Ellie back to reality.
What had happened with Nicholas was unfortunate, but life didn't just end because she was sad. And more than anything he wanted her to unload her burden on him. Gabe wanted her to vent out her frustrations, instead of bottling it up like he knew she was doing.
With a resigned sigh he brushed an apologetic kiss on Ronnie's arm, making sure not to unseat Sophie. "I'm sorry, Ellie. I'm just worried about you."
Ellie only nodded swiping her tears away she reached for her daughter, who wriggled free of Ronnie's arms and landed on her lap.
"Have you been a good girl for Gabe and Ronnie?" Ellie asked softly, brushing Sophie's curls from her face.
Sophie nodded vigorously. "Me good girl Mama. Wonnie buy ice cweam." she pushed her mother's fussing hands aside before continuing "...and we go pak and I see ducky and ducky go qwack, qwack." Sophie stood on the mattress and quite seriously began to imitate the ducks she had seen by cupping her hands beneath her arms and flapping them up and down.
Ellie laughed in spite of herself and pulled Sophie down for a quick peck on her button nose. "Very good ducky noises, baby. I'm very happy to hear you had a good time with Ronnie and Gabe at the park. Did you get sprinkles on your ice cream?"
"Wainbow spwinkles!"
"Yummy!" Sophie was a surefire way to lighten one's spirits. Just her presence alone was enough to chase the gloom away and Ellie knew she was blessed to have given birth to such angel. Holding Sophie between her legs beneath the downy comforter, Ellie turned her attention to the other two occupants in the room, while her daughter busily played with the silver bracelet around her wrist.
"Thanks for taking care of her guys, I know I haven't exactly been the best parent these past weeks and I really appreciate you being there for her."
"There's no need to thank us, Ellie, it was a pleasure playing with her. Your uncle loves you two very much and I'm just glad you like me enough to trust me with your pride and joy." Ronnie said with a warming smile, settling beside Ellie on the mattress. Tension eased a little when Gabe squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. She hadn't been sure whether she'd overstepped her bounds, but Gabe's gesture just now assured Ronnie that he respected her opinion when it came to this close-knit family.
"Of course I like you, not only can you deal with Soph, but you've managed to put my heart at ease now that I know Gabe won't die a lonely and bitter old man."
"Glad to see you back to your old wiseass self." Gabe said tersely.
Ellie laughed, God, it felt good to actually laugh again. "Stop acting like you didn't miss me."
"Ellie, how are you feeling? I know it's been hard dealing with all of this and school." Ronnie hedged cautiously, knowing just how sensitive the subject was.
Ellie took a deep breath and released it in one go, her shoulders sagging in the process. "To be perfectly honest I feel like shit," she wisely covered Sophie's ears before saying the last word. "But I know I can't sit up here wallowing in guilt and misery." she pulled the covers from her limbs and scooted off the bed with Sophie in tow. "Gabe's right, Nicholas isn't dead and that's a blessing. I know he'll call me when he gets out. It's only a matter of time."
Gabe's brows drew together in a frown. This was way too easy. "Ellie…"
"I'm fine, Gabe," Ellie reassured. "Really, I'm okay."
"As much as I would like to believe that, I know you and I know that this entire situation has taken a lot out of you. It's Ok to talk about your problems, Ellie. You don't have to be so mature all the time. You can be a bratty teenager, throw a tantrum if you want to but don't bottle up your feelings..."
"Stop analyzing me, Gabe I said I was fine and I am." Ellie said through clenched teeth rearranging Sophie on her hip.
"Stop acting like you’re thirty-five and be a child for once!" Gabe yelled in frustration.
Ronnie could quite literally cut the tension with a knife it was so thick. Like plumes of white smoke it danced through the air and Ronnie could feel it coat the back of her throat like fumes from a second hand cigarette. She cleared her throat and opened her mouth to speak. "Gabe…"
"Stay out of this!"
The realization of his error was instantaneous, the wounded expression on her freckled face like a physical blow. Gabe attempted to rectify his mistake but Ronnie recoiled from his touch, she stood from the bed and headed over to where Ellie and Sophie stood.
"I admire the fact that you're trying to be strong and I wish there was more I could do to help. But know that my prayers are with Nicholas for a speedy recovery and with you as well. I know you'll both get the happy ending you're overdue for." Ronnie patted Ellie's shoulder and kissed Sophie's cheek before she turned to leave, not sparing a look to her remorseful lover.
Ellie sighed. "I know it's hard as a parent to see me in pain and not be able to do anything to help me. But I'm dealing with all of this the best way I know how. Throwing a tantrum wouldn't solve anything. You've taught me to rely on my own strength, Gabe and I'm trying to do that. I'm a big girl I can take care of myself."
"But I'm here so that you don't have to do that, Ellie. It's not just you against the world anymore, babe. It's us and them now, has been for the past three years." He pulled her and Sophie close to him, "You're so mature for your age that sometimes I forget how young you are. All I want to do is protect you, Ellie. You can't blame me for being a concerned parent, I love you, kiddo." He was all chocked up now. He embraced both Ellie and Sophie until the sting of tears passed.
"I love you too, big guy. God, I didn't know you could be such a mush."
"Shut it up."
Ellie laughed. "Alright already, quit stalling and go after Ronnie. It's gonna take a lot of sweet talking to get yourself out of that Texas sized hole you dug."
"I really did it this time, didn't I?"
"Oh yeah, but I'm sure she'll forgive you."
"What makes you say that?"
"Because she loves you to pieces."
Gabe grinned, goofy really, something Ellie rarely saw. "You think so?"
Ellie nodded, truly happy for him. "A blind person can see it. Now stop wasting time and go." She pushed him out her bedroom door after one last kiss on the forehead.
"Mama, hungwy."
"Me too, monster, let's go downstairs and see what we can make, Ok?" Sophie only nodded resting her head on Ellie's shoulder.
It was cold, but the chilling winds had no effect on her, Maddie only pulled the parka closer to her frame and continued her trek. It was late, nearly midnight and the velvet backdrop of the moonless night blanketed the streets in darkness but she was not affected. She was trembling though, from fear...from urgency, both fighting for dominance in her ragged mind. The fear manifested itself in the gaunt faces of the desolate people she passed. It was in the tagged walls depicting signs of neighborhood gangs that warned off any and everyone who wasn't in their crew. It blaringly told Maddie she was on the wrong side of the tracks and would've been wise to turn back now. But urgency was the reason why she continued. Urgency had won t
he battle and now drove Maddie further and further into this dangerous world.
She'd grounded her teeth for hours until the urge drove her nearly insane. She needed the high, the minute euphoria to keep the thoughts at bay; she was feeling particularly suicidal at the moment. Ready to crack at any given moment. She needed the high. Craved it. The voices needed to shut up. Now. She needed them to stop.
Tricks littered the pavement, walking up and down their corners in the hopes of luring a John for the night, some to get out of the bitter cold, others to support their drug habits.
Junkies, completely strung out and detached from the harshness of reality slumped against dilapidated apartment buildings, laid practically dead to the world in alleyways, their temporary nirvanas in the needles at their arms.
This had been Tony's old stomping grounds. This was where he'd done his ‘work' and this was where he'd frequently brought Maddie.
She wasn't stupid. She knew she was slowly condemning herself and her child to an early grave. The child, which tests had proven to Charles Grayson and his high priced attorneys belonged to his son, had shut the bastard up. That was probably the only good thing to come out of this, that and maybe the money Charles was bribing her with to disappear from their lives. Her and the baby. And Maddie swore after tonight, she would use that money to get herself clean. After tonight.
"Hey hot stuff, looking for a good time?" a woman who could've easily passed for forty, was it not for the theater-like makeup masking her imperfections from the world, stepped in Maddie's path. Maddie tried to sidestep her but she anticipated the move and followed her. "Come one baby, don't be shy. I'm good with my tongue. I can dyke it up, just for a pretty girl like you. Twenty five bucks and I'll eat your pussy so good. You don't even need to get a room."
"No thank you." She tried again to walk past her, succeeding in doing so only because she'd shoved the woman aside and sprinted away.
"Fucking bitch!" Maddie didn't turn back, didn't stop until she reached her destination, a full twelve blocks from where she'd been.
Winded, she took a moment to catch her breath before walking in the alleyway. The cold wind blew the fetid stench of urine and trash her way, Maddie persevered. The brick walls bleed icy water that dripped from the snow covered rooftops and onto the hard, wet concrete beneath her feet. The buzzing streetlamp above her painted everything a sickly yellow-orange, but Maddie was used to this by now. She stopped at a brown door behind the alleyway that one wouldn't notice if not aware of its location. She held a fist up and hesitantly knocked.
"Th'fuck you want?" Eyes as black as night stared at her through a rectangular slit in the door.
"I…I-was here with, Tony. I need some stuff." Big enough to crawl her ass through an imitation of hell and yet it seemed that Maddie wasn't big enough to utter the drug of choice. Was it any wonder why Tony called her a bitch?
"You got money?"
"Y--yeah." Stupidly she held up the fifty she'd stolen from her Gran. She attempted a smile, it came out more of a grimace, but Maddie wasn't bothered. This wasn't about etiquette. She needed crank and he had it.
He stepped out of the door, no smile, pistol in hand; he looked up and down the alleyway before grabbing her money. In the handful of seconds it took before he produced the small plastic bag, Maddie thought he'd take her money and rape her. But at the sight of the white powder...white gold, she forgot everything and reached for it. He snatched it out of her reach. Maddie stared at him and he grinned, suggestive, Cheshire big, teeth practically glowing in the darkness.
"You Tony's bitch, yeah I remember you.” He made a grab for her and leered, "Tell you what, baby girl, you want this, you gonna have to work for it." He grabbed her before she could think to flee. Sausage-like fingers wrapped around her arm and brusquely dragged her in the metal door closing with an ominous boom behind them.
Escaping was impossible as he pulled her through a bar-like room, the few occupants in there didn't bat an eyelash as he dragged her to backroom. There was a mattress on the floor, dirty, stained, he shoved her on it. Two more came in behind him, mean and ugly and just as big.
"Boys, we're gonna have ourselves some old-fashioned fun." When they started Maddie went to another place. They brutalized her body for God only knew how long, but her mind remained far, far, far away. When they were done, Maddie grabbed the white powdered filled bag he tossed her way and cradled it to her chest. Getting back to her car took almost all she had, but she managed. All she wanted now was to get home. The urgency to get home had her hands shaking.
Maddie grabbed one side of the pale yellow band with her teeth and yanked taut with her right hand. It took a while for the veins to surface and it finally did they bloomed blue beneath her translucent skin. She grabbed the syringe from the floor and positioned the needle at the crook of her elbow; her hands shook terribly as she tried to locate a good vein. She found it and with great concentration, she inserted the tip just far enough for her to release its contents.
She expected the rush, the sweet high, calming, soothing...nothing came but pain.
Maddie's heart rate abruptly spiked. The blood in her veins was like fire, it rushed at such a velocity that the thrumming sound was deafening to her ears. Breathing was impossible. Her body jerked and she began to convulse on the floor as foamy spittle formed at the corner of her mouth and quickly spread across her lips.
Was this what death felt like? Maddie silently wondered seconds before she lost conciseness.
Chapter Eleven
Maddie felt as though she'd ingested a steel pipe as her throat constricted painfully in her attempt to swallow. Her mouth tasted of cotton, her tongue, heavy and dry only hindered her efforts in lubricating her parched throat. Suddenly, she was a coughing mess, the prickly dry feeling bringing tears to her eyes. Nurses instantly flooded the room, there were two and they worked in quick uncongenial synchronization to get her to calm her down. One of them stepped out to grab a cup of tepid water, while the other checked her vitals. Once assured that she was going to live, one left while the other remained.
She was a portly woman, ranging maybe in her late thirties, hinted by the sprinkle of salt and pepper hair dusting her temple. She wore what was customary of most nurses, a pair of aqua green scrubs, pristinely white clogs and a stethoscope strategically placed around her neck. She didn't look overly mean, but she certainly did not crack a smile Maddie's way as she continued to scribble notes on the brown clipboard she held in her hands.
"How are you feeling?"
"Fi---" Maddie cleared the rasp from her throat before opening her mouth to respond. "M' fine." The nurse walked from her position at the foot of the bed and came around to where the ivy pole stood to the left of the railed bed. She raised her eyes, assessed the bag containing the clear fluid and peered back down at the clipboard, the ballpoint pen in her hand furiously scratching away. She took a moment from her notes and favored Maddie with a small smile, not exactly friendly, but it did hold a hint of warmth that managed to put Maddie slightly at ease despite her discomfort.
"You gave us quite a scare, amazing that you managed to pull through. Do you remember what happened?" Everything wasn't exactly clear, just vague snippets of memories buzzing around in her head like deranged flies on the hunt for shit. What little she could remember wasn't exactly helpful or encouraging.
Her hands shook, the lighter burnt her thumb but persistency would not permit her the option of quitting, so Maddie impatiently settled to watch the white powder bubble and foam in the large pewter spoon.
The suction of the heroin being swallowed up by the needle and making a temporary home in the graduated marked plastic barrel base had Maddie already salivating for her high.
She didn't remember shooting, but Maddie did remember the effects it had on her.
Her heart accelerating...her senses heightening to the point where it even hurt to breathe...her very pores had ached...her brain, liver, lungs, and veins felt as though flooded by gallons of
heated water...
And then she'd blacked out, with only the wish that God take away the pain and her soul as well.
"No...no I don't remember what happened." She preferred to keep the truth to herself for now.
"Well, there was a great amount of narcotics and harmful chemicals found in your bloodstream, cut into the batch of heroin you took. When you were brought in we all believed you dead, they had to pump your stomach to get everything out." It was then that her facial features tightened and the subtle folds of wrinkles creasing her forehead made their appearances. "The doctor were forced to perform a Cesarean."
"My baby..."
The nurse's sudden pause and frown had Maddie's hand at the base of her abdomen, where once the small bump had been was now a flat surface of pricking pain. "My baby?" She asked again as the all too familiar feeling of bile rising and clawing her throat had Maddie hunching over the rail around her bed. Futilely heaving acidic spit in the pink bowl deftly positioned beneath her face, she took the offered cup of water and sloshed it around her mouth. The nurse held the pink bowl as Maddie rinsed her mouth out and took it away when she was through.
The influence of the drugs had clouded her judgment. It took from her the need to care for anything or anyone but herself and her high. The consequences had been inconsequential, the casualties, replaceable by the alluring call of heroin. No one had mattered, nothing had mattered, only her and the drug. Nicholas didn't love her? Heroin eased the pain. She'd been stupid enough to allow herself to be a pawn to an unstable asshole? Heroin took her to a place where she was smart and strong. Ellie didn't want to be her friend and forgive her? Heroin became her best friend. Heroin, good and trusting heroin forgave Maddie the world.
Now reliable and forgiving heroin had possibly taken away something that could've loved her in return.
"My baby..." Suddenly she was a concerned parent. Breathing became too difficult...too much, too hard to do anything.
Beautiful Disaster (The Bet) Page 20
