“Flavor,” Cole told her. I wanted to punch him; I was sure he had more tact than this.
“He thinks that the fear a victim experiences flavors the meat.”
Her gray eyes went wide. How could I describe them as gray? They were a mix of colors that highlighted her face and showed a softness. A woman who lived through what Leta lived through shouldn’t have such soft eyes. Once again, she destroyed that common theory of survivors. I already thought survivors were tough, but she was showing me a side I’d never seen before.
She threw her head back and laughed. It came out in a high, giddy sound that bordered on desperation. Her eyes leaked from the corners, but she ignored it.
“I’ve been marinating in fear for nine years. No wonder he wants me.”
“But that’s over little one.” Leta’s eyes flew to Cole, and my eyes followed. “That’s why we’re here. We will stop him. I promise you he won’t leave alive.”
“You’re going to protect me?”
“We’re going to do more than protect you. We’re going to love you.”
I could hear the hitch in her voice, the interruption of her breathing as her eyes got wide. A tiny shiver went through her body, and a smile lit my face. I knew what she was feeling because Cole’s deep voice combined with his words had my dick hard, and a small tremor went through my body making the butterflies in my stomach take flight.
She picked up her fork and started on her pancakes. Her eyes flicked up to mine; we traded a smile. Cole unaware of what he did to us ate his French toast.
Chapter Twenty-four
Leta
Does he know what he just said? My stomach was in a flutter. I couldn’t stop my hand from pressing against the flat plane of it. The flatness of it caught my attention. I was so numb to myself that I never thought about what I looked like. I felt like my foot went to sleep, and now it was waking up, tingles were going through me that hurt.
The pain was critical; I wouldn’t die from it, but it hurt like hell. I used to be thick. That word they used when you weren’t fat enough to be called fat but were nowhere near skinny. Losing weight was number two on my to-do list. Since I was going to college, I needed to drop weight so guys would want to have sex with me. I didn’t want a pity fuck that would be laughed about later.
Was I attractive back then? I don’t know. I was so caught up in the life of being tutored and taking care of my dad that I didn’t have a teenage life. Maybe that was why I was thick. I had a lot of time to eat, or maybe I just lived to eat. I don’t remember my mom being skinny.
When I was first captured, I thought it was a joke. A sick joke, but a joke. Then I thought it won’t be long before someone saves me. Day turns into night and then day again. One day turns into a week then a month. Before you know it, a year has gone by, and you’re no longer who you used to be. How long was it before the reality set in that this would always be my life? I don’t know. There was a small window that let in light, but it wasn’t much not even on a bright day.
Summer turned into fall and then winter. The seasons were all the same for me. I froze for six years. There are times I can’t get warm. That’s why what Cole said was important. It’s the reason I’m sitting in his car staring at him and looking at Noah out the side of my eyes.
They didn’t just offer me protection. The government offered me protection; they failed. Cole and Noah are the good guys. No one has ever treated me like this worrying about me, except my dad. I want to grip their offer of protection with both hands and hang on tight.
It’s the offer of love that has me tripping over my two feet. When HE captured me, to say his name is to give it power over me. HE would say that no one would love me. When He raped me, HE would call me a good-for-nothing slut. When HE took my virginity, HE told me how HE was going to sell me to the highest bidder.
Eventually, I realized HE was right. I was all the things HE called me. It didn’t matter that I didn’t like sex. It didn’t matter that my body didn’t respond to him the way HE claimed other women did. All that mattered was I had a hole, and it made me less than.
I understood eventually that some women were born to be loved, cherished. They were meant to have husbands and children. Then others like me were born to be abused, to be used. Why fight fate? I knew better, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was chained; I couldn’t run. There was no way to fight back, so I escaped. In my mind, I believed that I was loveable. That someone would see me and fall at my feet in appreciation for who I was. In a way, I was making fun of myself, but as the weeks turned into months, the fantasy became more real.
I dreamed of two men who would love me. It wasn’t conventional. That’s not how I was raised, but I wasn’t raised to be raped every day. Even when I was on my period.
I shoved my hand into my mouth to keep from screaming as the memories I blocked came back to me. The first time I missed my period. I was yanking at the door now. I had to get out. The door was flung open, but Noah was there. We were on the side of the road. I was screaming Cole came around pressing against my back as Noah pressed me against his chest.
“I didn’t know what it was the first time it happened. He kept punching me in my stomach calling me a slut. I can still feel the spasms. It wasn’t the last time it happened.”
They moved me to a grassy area, then laid down with me. There were cars whizzing past, but neither of them seemed to care.
“You were pregnant?” Cole asked me.
I nodded my head. What could I say? You fuck someone repeatedly without contraceptives it's bound to happen.
I didn’t want to think about the babies I lost. I knew I couldn’t keep them, that was insane, but I loved them anyway. They were a piece of me even if their father was a sadistic fuck. How many times did I beg him to let me go? Then I begged for birth control, but HE liked forcing the abortions. A few times he even waited until I was maybe three months along before beating me.
“Why do I remember this now?”
“You can’t heal if you don’t remember and acknowledge what happened to you.” Cole stroked my back trying to calm me.
I said that aloud? I turned over and looked into Cole’s face. I saw it. I thought I saw it last night, but it was dark, and I could have been deluding myself. Today I saw it, the pain of someone who was used and abused. The pain of someone who understood before you even opened your mouth.
I dove into his arms. The thought lingered in the back of my mind that maybe I hurt Noah. Then he pressed his warm lips to my collarbone. That’s when a part of me slid back into place. I was nowhere near healed. I wasn’t stupid enough to delude myself.
Truthfully, I didn’t think I could be healed, not totally. What if instead of looking for the magic solution that would change me back into the eighteen-year-old I used to be, I decided to embrace my brokenness and move on from there. I liked that. It made me feel closer to being whole.
My tears dried up. They weren’t gone. I knew they would come back. As my body woke up, memories would come out to slay me like I was the dragon trying to kill the villagers. I’d have to take up arms and fight for myself. Those were the times I’d have to remind myself I wasn’t the first person to fight this battle, and I wouldn’t be the last one. Then I’d fight.
I decided to take one of the lines of the faith I grew up with and make it my war cry. ‘Having done all, you can do to stand, stand.’ It wasn’t a direct quote. It had been nine years.
“You shouldn’t tell women in need that you will love them,” I whispered it to Cole loud enough to make sure Noah heard me.
“I would never tell women that, Leta. Only you. I wasn’t telling you. It was a promise.” Cole’s voice was solemn.
Noah pressed his lips against my collarbone again. Cole pressed his lips against my other collarbone.
I closed my eyes and let the heat of their lips seep into me. I was jumping into the deep end with the two of them. I didn’t know how much longer I had to live, but I wasn’t going to regret not getting
to know them.
Chapter Twenty-five
Cole
Leta had been with us for five days. I didn’t know how much longer I could go before I had to lay Noah down to love him. The occasional shower encounter was nice, but it wasn’t enough. If his eyes lingered on my ass one more time, our third was about to get an abrupt introduction to our lifestyle.
I watched as Noah pulled out his wallet to pay for dinner. Leta bit her tongue not wanting to argue with him. He paid for meals. This way, he was sure we ate.
“I liked eating here,” Leta told Noah as she slipped her arms around him. He gave her a happy smile.
She was now eating three meals a day. They weren’t big meals, but she ate. It made both of us feel better to see her taking care of herself. Her hand went to her hair. It was simple and easy to take care of she said. I liked the way it swung around her chin.
“Everyone ready?”
They both nodded, and we walked out. I was beginning to feel the days. I knew fuckin’ Naresh was getting closer, and we were standing still. The time getting to know Leta was nice, but I felt like we were stranded in that moment before we hit subspace when the engines could and sometimes did blow up. As the humans would say, I was holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“Cole?”
I looked down at Leta’s hand wrapped around my bicep. Her fingers were long and graceful; her mouth turned down just a little, and her eyes were clouded with worry.
I wanted to share my concerns, but she wasn’t my mate even though I believed she was the other leg of our triad. What’s worse was I found myself questioning everything I knew to be true. Was I really neither black nor red? I wanted everything to be a lie. I wanted the hunger I felt for Leta to be a lie. Why couldn’t I just be satisfied with Noah?
“You are what you are Cole. It doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else.” Noah’s hand went around my bicep just above Leta’s.
They were both pressed into my body now. I took a deep breath before I let it out. No matter what happened between us, the threat we faced was coming for us.
“Let’s go home.” As if a motel room was home, but since it was the only place that I’ve known Noah and Leta, it was now home.
I gave Noah the keys and got in the back seat so Leta could sit up front with him. They made a nice couple. If I wasn’t here, I could see the two of them spending their lives together. I had been making plans to leave this planet before I met Noah. Now I was thinking of leaving again. Was it fair after I synced Noah’s life force with mine? No, but I would come back for him in a century or two.
The back door opened and closed. Leta slid over until her thigh was next to mine.
“Seatbelt I gently reminded her.” She was the weakest person in the car. Noah had more protection than she did because a part of me ran through him.
Noah took off. I closed my eyes and leaned against the seat before I was ready to talk to Leta.
“Are you okay?” I asked her. Why wasn’t she in the front seat?
“You’re worried.”
“I am.”
“I’m worried too.”
“We will protect you.”
“You’ll try to protect me. I’m grateful for that. I’m anxious about my life.”
I opened my head turning to look at her.
She met my gaze boldly before she became shy and dropped her eyes.
“I may live or die, but what I’m scared of is that I’ll never get a chance with you and Noah.”
I wasn’t expecting that. She lived through trauma, and her counseling wasn’t anything to talk about. So, why was she saying this? I was willing to wait years.
My eyes strayed to Noah. He gave me a little smile in the rearview mirror and then a shrug of the shoulders and turned his attention back to driving. I was on my own.
“Do you know what you’re asking?”
“No, if I knew I’m sure I would run into the night.”
That was fair I thought. I mean I was making plans to escape myself.
“Why don’t you tell me. Here’s what I know. I know you and Noah are in a relationship. I don’t know how long you’ve been together, but the more I watch you, the more I believe it’s the forever kind. So, what am I? I see both of you watching me. Am I a one-night stand? A pleasant distraction? Is your relationship open because you’re both bisexual? Did I ask enough questions, or do you need me to go deeper?”
I was nervous. This is what I wanted, but when confronted with it, I was aware of how it could all blow up in my face.
“On my planet, the beings believe a lot like you do on earth. They believe there is one female for every male. They also believe every male, and female is not born correctly. That there are mistakes in their genetic code that must be weeded out and not allowed to emerge in the next generation. Think of your Hitler with his blue eyes and blond hair theory.
“Every child is brought before the priestess at the earth age of thirteen. She can see the genetic code within us and passes judgment on if we live or die. I was told I was neither masculine or feminine. Which means a large part of my soul is missing. To be whole, I would have to find the missing parts. That was never supposed to happen. Yenizen’s like me are let loose in the city with a bounty on their heads.”
Noah pulled up in front of our motel. We all made the decision in silence to table the conversation until we reached the room.
“I’m going to take a shower,” Noah told me.
I nodded and waited until he walked into the bathroom to continue. I knew he could be jealous, but he had what so many others didn’t, an intimate connection to me. He could feel me. I wish he could read my thoughts that might be something that would happen if Leta accepted us. For now, he could only feel me, but it would help to keep him from being jealous.
“I escaped.” I didn’t want to dwell on the years of running and hiding or selling myself to stay alive one more day.
“I’m glad.”
We were sitting at the table. I took a deep breath before continuing. “When I came to earth, I knew I would live and die alone. There would be one-night stands because my body wouldn’t tolerate getting into a relationship with someone who wasn’t one of my thirds.”
“Thirds?”
“Yes. According to my people, my soul was split into three. Noah is part of my soul. I believe you’re the other part. There is no open relationship. If you joined with us, we would be a triad. No more no less.”
Leta stood and began to pace the room.
“That makes no sense. You can only love one person.”
I stared at her. I already knew those reasonings, and to some degree; I also knew she was right. Not everyone wanted to or even could intimately love a third person. Loving just one other person could be a deal breaker to some. Some chose to be single never entering any relationship while others choose to love many more.
“What about you Leta? Can you love more than one person at a time? Have you ever thought about loving two men?”
“Why are you asking me that?” Her voice stuttered betraying what I thought I knew to be true.
“When you’ve constantly been abused, there are times the only walls you can build are thoughts of a better future. Those thoughts are real. You tell yourself the truth because the life you are living is a lie.” I gave her the truth. It was all I had to offer.
“I used to dream of my perfect relationship. The perfect person to love me as I laid on the cold cement floor of the basement. I knew it wouldn’t happen it. It was a fantasy the only way I could stay warm when I was freezing.”
“What did you fantasize about?”
“Two men loving me and loving each other.”
“Why loving each other?”
She trembled not a fine barely there one, but an all-out shudder. I stood and pulled her into my arms. The bathroom door opened. Noah was listening to what we said.
“When I was young I thought having the undivided attention of one guy was what I
wanted. Now the thought scares me. It may have always scared me. But what I went through makes me want, no need to be with someone who can love another person. I’m not altruistic loving one other person I can handle, loving multiple others is a deal breaker. Do you really feel I’m your third?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Yes,” Noah’s yes echoed mine.
“I won’t force you, and neither will Noah. Take your time think about it. I’m going to take a shower.” I grabbed my pajama bottoms and disappeared into the bathroom. Noah followed me, giving Leta space to think.
Chapter Twenty-six
Leta
They left me alone. I guess I should appreciate that. Instead, I’m a little jealous that they’re together, and I’m on the outside looking in. This is the chance I never thought I would get the years I was a captive. It’s the dream that always felt so wrong. How could I justify wanting more than one male? It was wrong, or that was what I was taught.
I paced a little longer wondering what was happening in the bathroom. The sick part was that I wanted them, not one or the other. Was that sick? What would my dad think? Yeah, he wasn’t here, but his opinion still meant the world to me.
What was my future? I could end up in the soup pot. Rewind, I wanted to avoid that future. I could end up someone’s plaything or end up alone scared to love and trust. Maybe one of the therapists helped me? No, this was the stuff I was picking up from the Internet when I went on abuse forums. Reading survivors stories and how they worked to make their lives better had helped me to a degree. I still needed counseling, but what I learned the last five days was I could make it. I still needed help, maybe I always would, but I wasn’t the same traumatized girl I was three years ago when I was freed from that cage.
I wasn’t the same person anymore. So what, I wasn’t physically strong, but I was mentally strong. I survived abuse and repeated rape. Damn! Now I wanted a T-shirt that said that. That may be taking it too far. What about Markovic and Robertson? I always planned to run. Sure, I was taking my time, but I wanted to make sure I never had to go back.
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