by James Ross
Puddles jumped off Tuey’s lap and stretched. The two front paws extended well out from its face while its rump went skyward. “What did ya do to your finger?” Fanbelt asked.
“I’s sho’ dunno,” Tuey said as he wiped the finger on his clothing.
Asia found the grease gun. “Can we take it outs ta da job, boss?”
Tuey nodded his head and the two workers left the shed. Darn, I’s coulda sworn dat dat cave wuz real. Don’ts tell me dat I’s wuz uh dreamin’. Tuey yelled after the guys. “You’s two keeps uh workin’ fasta. Dey’s wanna git da job done.” After rubbing his eyes with a closed fist he followed them out of the shed and then yelled once again in their direction. “Let me goes an’ fix dis finga den I’s be back out ta help you’s two.” Tuey climbed into his pickup truck and headed to the clubhouse.
Only four of the guys had gathered to play that morning. With temperatures in the mid-forties and a howling wind there were other things to do . . . namely, stay warm. Scottie P still had on a stocking hat with his golden, curly locks flowing to his collar. Pork Chop had on a sweater covered by a windbreaker that had dried egg yolk down the front of it. Fred’s massive head supported a red baseball hat with StL embroidered on the front. The bill of the hat was tipped skyward. Paco wore his customary blue jeans and white t-shirt with a layer of insulated underwear, a golden chain and cross dangling down his chest. J Dub and Curt were huddled in the office talking business while Julie worked the counter. BowTye shivered in the corner even though he was wrapped in a blanket.
Captain Jer and Dr. DV had been out and about looking for something to do. They thought that they would stop by the clubhouse to commiserate with the boys before heading to Lucky Lady Lanes for a few frames. They were walking across the parking lot when Tuey pulled up and parked nearby.
“How’s that ditch digging job coming along?” Captain Jer said as the trio headed for the door.
“Kinda slow,” Tuey drawled. He was a little suspicious of Captain Jer.
“Everything you do is kinda slow, isn’t it?” Captain Jer said. He was carrying a can of beer in his hand and it was safe to say that he had probably drank a six-pack already even though it was early afternoon.
Tuey looked at him and could have easily crushed the smart-alec, but reserved retaliation for a different moment in time. “Ain’t it too cold outs ta be uh drinkin’ dat beer?”
“It’s never too cold to drink beer,” Captain Jer said as Dr. DV opened the door for the threesome to enter the clubhouse.
“Aren’t we in for a treat?” Julie said as she eyed Captain Jer and the can of beer in his hand. “I suppose you want a shot of whiskey to make that go down smoother and take the nip out of the air.”
“You’ve got a good head on your shoulders . . . too good to be working at a joint like this,” Captain Jer said as he winked at his favorite bartender. His tanned face, despite the winter climate, radiated through the room. He went to the bar and watched as Julie poured him a shot of bourbon then turned his attention back to Tuey. He sniffed the air and said, “By the way, you need to take a shower some time.”
“I’s been uh busy workin’ in da ditch aw uh da mornin’,” Tuey replied.
“Then wash that suit you wear. You stink,” the retired pilot said as he fired down the shot. He shook his head violently, blew out a hot breath, and chased the whiskey with a generous sip of beer.
Even though Tuey was pushed to the limit by Captain Jer’s comments he took it like a man. He proceeded to the back booth where the others congregated. “Duz ya have any mo’ uh dem Vienna sausages?” he asked Paco.
“Nope. I left them at home. I can’t put them in my bag anymore because somebody’s been stealing them from me,” Paco said as he suspiciously looked at Tuey. “Didn’t you bring your own lunch?”
Tuey shook his head up and down and stuck out his lower lip. “Yeah, but I’s shared it wit’ some frien’s uh mine.”
Bewildered, Paco looked at the contractor. “What friends? There’s nobody out on the golf course.”
“Some frien’s dat Puddles introduced me to,” Tuey responded.
“That’s the cat!” Captain Jer yelled across the room.
Tuey nodded his head. “Dat Puddles has some uh da nicest frien’s.”
“What kind of friends?” Captain Jer asked. “Some mice and rats?”
“Yep,” Tuey answered. “How did ya know?”
Captain Jer rolled his eyes to the ceiling and turned to Julie. “Lucky guess I suppose.”
“Dey’s aw live out dere on da golf course.”
“I bet,” Captain Jer sarcastically replied. A smirk covered his face for only Julie to see.
Scottie P had taken his shoes and socks off and walked the goods over to BowTye. “Can you shine these up for me?”
“Sho’ I can,” BowTye replied as he reached for the shoes and let the blanket fall off his shoulder.
“What the . . . ?” Captain Jer blurted as Scottie P walked barefoot across the room. His attention was directed to Scottie P’s feet. “What happened to your feet?”
The big toenails on Scottie P’s feet were painted royal blue and had three small white stars placed on them. The second toenail was painted red, the third was painted white, the fourth painted red, and the small toenail painted white. “My pedicurist suggested it,” Scottie P said as he stopped and raised his foot for all in the room to see. “Alpha Bear thought they were cute.”
“How patriotic,” Captain Jer said as he turned back to Julie. He tapped the top of his can three times. “You better get me another cold one.”
Julie bent over and reached into the cooler. “Knowing you, I don’t know what took me so long.”
Paul walked through the front door. He was immaculately dressed and impeccably manicured, even in the off season. “Who got the new car?” he asked after giving an obligatory wave of the hand to everyone.
Scottie P stood in the center of the room and raised his hand. A broad smile covered his face. Captain Jer swung around on his barstool. “That’s yours?” He had also noticed the new, bright red Alpha Romeo convertible that was parked by the front door. “Nice wheels.”
“Alpha Bear got that for me for Christmas,” Scottie P bragged.
“With parishioner money?” Captain Jer suspiciously asked with a raised eyebrow.
Scottie P shrugged. “I guess he’s had a good year.”
Captain Jer mumbled as he swung the chair back around. “Yeah, I’m sure he has. He found you.” He rolled his eyes skyward again and took another sip of beer. He whispered to Julie. “And they all think that I’m nuts . . .”
“The more that I’m around here, the more that I think that all of you might be,” Julie said as she cut him short.
Captain Jer whisped back, “We’ve got a guy that makes friends with animals and has BO so bad you need a gas mask. Plus we’ve got another guy with toenails painted like an American flag that just got a new car from his gay lover . . .
“ . . . and a guy that’s so drunk by three in the afternoon he can’t tell a fairway divot from a Philly cheesesteak,” Julie added with a chuckle. She recalled the time that the guys had put a divot in front of Captain Jer for lunch and he took a bite out of it.
Paul looked at Tuey. “How’s that ditch work coming along?”
“Oh,” Tuey drawled, “it be gittin’ dere.”
Captain Jer swung back around and yelled to Paco. “Maybe you can help him. You’re an expert on ditches, aren’t you?”
“What do you mean?” Paco asked.
“Isn’t that the way you got into the country?” Captain Jer replied. Years before Paco had crossed the Rio Grande from Chihuahua, Mexico.
“I had to swim a little,” Paco said with a grin.
“Yeah, right,” Captain Jer said. “Then you’re dumber than I thought. I can see you tiptoeing across that quicksand.”
“I never got beat so hard in my life,” Paul said.
“When?” Julie butted in.
“Then you must be the dumb one,” Captain Jer said. “Those currents are enough to drown anybody.”
“My mother said the same thing,” Paul confided. “I was eleven and she beat me so hard with a fly swatter I had welts for two weeks.” He paused. “Back then it was one of those fly swatters that had metal around the mesh.”
The guys winced at the thought. “Did you’s make it?” Tuey asked.
“I’m sitting here, aren’t I?” Paul grinned. “I can say that I swam across the Mississippi.”
Captain Jer swiveled his seat back around to Julie. “Who would have ever thought that he was nuts too?” He laughed and raised the can of beer back to his lips. “Are you making any headway?”
Julie looked confused, but was always entertained by what came out of Captain Jer’s mouth. “With what?”
“Catching the Vienna sausage thief,” he replied as he laughed again and took another drink.
Tuey turned to Scottie P, looked at him and tilted his head sideways. He had a hard time figuring out the connection between Scottie P and the face glitter. “So tells me how you’s an’ dis Alpha Bear met? He duzn’t lives in uh cave, duz he?”
The guys rolled with laughter. The very thought of the Catholic priest living in a cave was a novel idea that seemed amusing. “No, no,” Scottie P insisted. “It’s just easier.”
“What be easia?”
Scottie P paused and thought about whether or not he wanted to share his story with the roomful of guys. He decided to continue. “I was married once,” Scottie P started. “I was busy working and all and didn’t want to raise a family.”
“So you’s met da priest ta haves it easia?”
Scottie P smiled and shook his head back and forth. “Nah, my wife came up to me and told me that she was pregnant.”
“No way duz dat makes tings easia,” Tuey said as he shook his head back and forth.
“Especially,” Scottie P started and then paused searching for the right way to explain his dilemma, “when she didn’t know that I had . . . well you know . . .” He opened his hand and spread his palms skyward.
“No’s, I’s don’t knows,” Tuey said.
Scottie P took his hand and moved his forefinger toward his middle finger several times and waited for the motion to sink in. Tuey was bewildered. “You know . . . snip, snip.”
“What’s duz dat mean?” Tuey asked.
Scottie P turned red in the face. He was still working his fingers. “You know . . . I had a little slice and dice . . . and hadn’t told her.”
“Slice an’ dice?” Tuey questioned the broad shouldered hunk that could have passed for a surfer dude had he lived on the coast. “What’s dat?”
“In this case it ain’t a golf shot to the right and a pair of boxcars on the crap table,” Captain Jer yelled across the room. He sighed deeply and stared back at Julie.
Scottie P threw up his hands. “I had a vasectomy two years before that,” he blurted.
“An’ dey’s ain’t yo’ kid.”
“Duh,” Captain Jer uttered to Julie.
“So I had to divorce her,” Scottie P said, “for fooling around.”
“An’ dat makes it easia?”
Scottie P laughed out loud. “Now I don’t have to deal with them.”
“Dem?” Tuey questioned.
“Yeah. Women,” Scottie P said adamantly. “It’s easier.”
“That explains it!” Pork Chop shouted out.
“Splains what?” Tuey asked.
“What Scottie P is all about!” Pork Chop yelled louder. “He’s a gelding!”
The room erupted in laughter. “What’s dat?” Tuey asked.
Captain Jer had had enough. “It’s something that makes it easier for him with the Alpha Bear!” He rolled wide eyes at Julie, bowed his head and mumbled to himself, then belted down a half can of beer. After climbing off of his stool he said, “Come on Doc. I’ve had an earful. It’s time to roll a few frames.” Captain Jer threw a ten dollar bill on the counter, strolled across the room, and walked toward the door with Dr. DV on his heels. “Or maybe we oughta take Tuey over to Hoof and Bridle Park and you can teach us about geldings and mares.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
It was dark when Tuey walked through the front door of his modest, frame home. It would only be a few more days before the winter solstice. LeVournique had gotten home from the Aqua Mermaid and was preparing dinner when Tuey walked into the kitchen. She batted her fake eyelashes at the love of her life as he reached for the mail that was on the table. He smiled and blew a kiss in her direction.
“How’d ev’ryting go fo’ you today?” LeVournique asked as she poured a pot of boiling water and spaghetti noodles into a colander.
“I’s met a lot uh new frien’s today,” Tuey said as he rifled through the mail. He noticed a letter from Dennis K. Sneed and immediately tore open the envelope. “Dat J Dub be sumptin’ else.”
“Why’s duz ya say dat?”
“He toles me dat he would git me uh lawya dat would git tings done,” Tuey said as he started to read the correspondence. After learning what his lawyer had filed he shouted, “He did it!”
“Did what?” LeVournique whined. “I’s sho’ hopes dat dat ain’t no bill.”
“Nah, it’s no bill,” Tuey said as he read the letter. “It sez dat dis Sneed fella filed uh lawsuit against da city fo’ civil rights discrimination. Here’s uh copy.” He flashed a lawsuit document in front of his wife’s face.
“Tuey O’Tweety!” LeVournique squealed. “Ain’t ya tinkin’ dat ya’s takin’ dis too far!” She threw a hand towel onto the counter.
“We’s jus’ lettin’ da fokes down at da city knows dat we’s had enoughs uh deir tickets,” Tuey said as he supported the tactics of his new lawyer. “Dis Sneed fella don’ts mess ’round.”
“Tuey. Tuey. Tuey,” LeVournique faced him squarely and placed her hands on her hips. “Aw uh dis stuff is uh wearin’ me out! Duz ya really tink dat you’s be goin’ ta git somewhere by uh doin’ tings dis uh way?”
“I’s needs some help in dis here battle wit’ da city,” Tuey said as he placed the letter onto the table. “Dis be what da lawya sed dat he would do.” He went over and placed his arms around the waist of his wife. “It’s aw goin’ ta be uh betta now.”
LeVournique was clearly upset. She motioned with both of her arms and swatted his arms away. Just as quickly she turned, faced her husband, and crossed her arms against her bosom. “Dis is uh no time ta be uh kissin’ an’ uh makin’ up!”
Tuey was hurt. He didn’t think that his wife would react that way to his efforts to fix the problem with the city officials. “What duz ya mean?” He gave a puzzled look to his wife. “Tings is uh goin’ ta be jus’ fine.”
“You’s is fightin’ uh battle dat you’s ain’t goin’ ta win! An’ you’s is goin’ ta spen’ every last dolla dat we’s got!” She glared at her husband. “Is dis what you’s wuz talkin’ ’bout when you’s sed dat you’s made new frien’s?”
Solemnly Tuey looked at his wife. “No’s. I wuz goin’ ta tell ya ’bout da raccoon an’ da rat an’ da fox.” LeVournique stared at her husband in disbelief.
“An’ den dere wuz da beava an’ da frog too.”
“What duz aw uh dem animals have ta do wit’ aw uh dis?”
Tuey paused. “Dat Puddles introduced me to aw uh dem.” LeVournique shook her head with skepticism.
“An’ den dere wuz da rabbit an’ da turtle.” Tuey flashed a smile that accentuated the gaps between his teeth. “But I’s dint tink too much uh da two black snakes an’ da way dat dey nearly ran me ova.”
“I’s tinks dat you’s is uh goin’ crazy!” LeVournique shrieked. “Da next ting dat you’s prolly goin’ ta tell me is dat you’s wuz talkin’ ta aw uh dem.”
Tuey’s mouth opened slightly and his eyes got wide. “No. Jus’ ta Puddles. But I’s ’spect dat da udders talk too.”
LeVournique glared at her husband. “Tuey, we’s needs ta gits you’s in ta see da docta. Aw uh dis stuff wit’ da city has made ya gone mad or sumptin’!”
“No. No. No,” Tuey insisted. “Dey’s aw wuz real nice ta me. I’s shared my’s lunch wit’ dem an’ I’s wuz wit’ dem in deir cave an’ . . .”
“An’ I’s heard enoughs. You’s gotsta git yo’ head togetta Tuey an’ fo’git ’bouts aw uh dis stuff wit’ da city befo’ you’s lose ev’ryting dat you’s eva worked fo’.” LeVournique took off her wedding ring and laid it on the window sill over the sink.
“What’s ya doin’ dat fo’?”
LeVournique chose her words carefully. “It needs ta be cleaned.” She paused. “An’ you’s not da same man now dat I’s married uh long time ’go.” She handed to Tuey a large stirring spoon that she had been using to stir the spaghetti sauce. “If’s you’s wants ta stir sumptin’ up, why’s don’t you’s use dis?” She walked out of the kitchen.
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
The next day Tuey reached into the freezer before he left for the job site. Two frozen carp were wrapped separately in freezer paper. In the darkness of the early morning he placed them in the front seat of his pickup and headed for the golf course and the solitude of the creek bank.
The early morning pattern repeated itself with each succeeding day. Asia and Fanbelt were dependable and had dug enough ditches to give Tuey the reliability that he needed. The trio would meet early, discuss what the days’ goal was going to be, and start on their mission. If things were going smoothly, then Tuey would excuse himself to go out and try to get other jobs or deal with the lawyer.
The only thing that was on Tuey’s mind now was a return trip to the cave. Meeting the animals had been a kind of revelation. He couldn’t wait to crawl back into the cave, escape from the chilly weather, and take lunch to all of the critters. As long as Asia and Fanbelt could make their way without an equipment malfunction or a mechanical breakdown then Tuey figured he could take some time to visit his new-found friends.
