by Welfare, Sue
The woman tucked a stray tendril of hair back behind her ears. She reminded Sarah of her mother; she had a kind tired face that good make-up and an expensive haircut couldn’t hide, and for the briefest of moments Sarah wondered if it wouldn’t be better if she just told the truth, and stopped all this before it went any further. She wanted to be with Josh; she wanted her life back to how it was, not this charade.
The woman lifted her eyebrows in an, “I’m waiting” expression.
‘Through my brother. Ryan brought Woody home,’ Sarah said with a smile. See that wasn’t so hard, now was it?
‘Woody?’ said the woman, tipping her head to one side.
‘Mustapha. Everyone calls him Woody,’ Sarah said quickly, broadening out the smile, wondering then if it had been too quick. She wondered if the woman would think she was too glib, too slick, could she guess that Sarah was bending the truth? Could she see that Sarah was lying?
The woman nodded and wrote something and then glanced down at the paperwork in front of her. ‘And it says here that you are currently living together?’
Sarah nodded.
‘And how long have you been cohabiting?’
Sarah glanced upwards; Woody had been coaching her all week. ‘Don’t just recite it,’ he’d said. ‘Like you’ve learned it by rote – be normal, be natural. Hesitate, reflect, consider.’
She didn’t feel either normal or natural. ‘Almost a year; about ten months now I think.’
The woman was still smiling, apparently moving her attention away from her checklist. ‘Okay. And will any of Mustapha’s family be coming to the wedding?’
Sarah smiled back; she knew this one: ‘No unfortunately not, his dad is quite elderly and infirm, and his mum doesn’t want to travel on her own. It’s a real shame but you can understand it, and Woody has said we’ll go over there as soon as we can. I think they’re hoping there will be another ceremony once we get there. Certainly a big family party. So no, but lots of his college friends will be there, and mine, obviously.’
The woman raised her eyebrows. ‘So will you be converting?’
Sarah hesitated. ‘I’m not sure…’ she began, no longer on safe ground, no longer on script. Was the woman even allowed to ask that? Sarah wondered if she should say something or refuse to answer, but how would being that defensive look? ‘I don’t think so. To be honest I’m not really religious,’ she said.
‘But if you’re thinking of having a ceremony in Quetta…’
‘I know, Woody and I keep talking about it. I’m hoping that maybe we can just get away with a big family party. I’m not sure how it works over there.’
The woman nodded and wrote something down on her pad. ‘Is Mustapha religious?’ Her tone was casual.
Sarah shook her head. ‘No, not really.’
‘But I can see he might want to please his family. I believe there is the equivalent of a civil marriage; maybe they have the equivalent of a blessing. It might be worth trying to finding out? I can give you details of who you will need to contact.’
Sarah nodded. ‘Thank you,’ she said, attempting a smile. ‘You know what men are like with arrangements.’ Don’t try too hard.
‘And what about brothers and sisters, other family?’
‘My brother, Ryan, will be coming. He’s going to be giving me away. But Woody is an only child. He has cousins though and we’ve invited them. I’m really hoping they’ll be able to make it. It would be so good to have some of his family there.’
Sarah had no idea if this was true or not but it was what Woody had told her to say. ‘Family and photos, that’s what we need,’ he’d said.
The woman was still smiling and nodding. Sarah, back on safe ground, made the effort not to sigh.
‘So there we are, we’re more or less there,’ the woman said, glancing down at her list. ‘Have you thought about what you want for the wedding? For the ceremony?’
‘I haven’t thought about much else,’ said Sarah, glancing up to see Woody waiting for her out in the foyer. He was looking at her, smiling. He had already had his question and answer session. Sarah made the effort to smile back.
‘We obviously need to talk to you both about flowers and guest numbers and what music you’ll be having. And the readings – if you’d like readings? We have a booklet if you need some inspiration. I know it can sometimes be a bit daunting.’
Sarah nodded.
‘And have you chosen your dress?’
The woman seemed genuinely interested. Sarah felt herself redden. ‘Not yet – I wanted to make sure we had got a date. You know, so I could plan. But I’ve been looking,’ she added hastily.
The woman nodded. ‘Very sensible, you need to be sure that you’ve got the right one. Anyway now you can start sorting things out, can’t you? Full steam ahead.’
‘Yes,’ said Sarah.
‘Excited?’ asked the registrar.
‘Not exactly,’ said Sarah.
The woman raised an eyebrow.
Sarah managed to laugh. ‘I’m a bit nervous,’ she said.
The woman nodded sympathetically. ‘You’re not alone in that but I’m sure you’ll be just fine,’ she said. ‘And try not to fret too much. We’ll make sure you and Mustapha have a lovely day. You’re in safe hands, trust me.’
If only that were true, Sarah thought, as the woman got to her feet, indicating that the interview was over.
Sarah
‘I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake at nights thinking about everything that had happened, playing it over and over, and thinking about what I was doing. I wanted to talk to Josh face to face but after that day, when Ryan came home and I talked to Josh on the phone, everywhere I went Woody or Ryan came with me. I felt like a prisoner.’
‘They followed you?’
‘They took me or came with me, or waited for me to come out. Everywhere.’
‘But hadn’t they both told you that it was just a piece of paper?’
‘I know that that is what they said, but that wasn’t how it felt. It felt like a sticky trap; like I was stuck. It felt like a dream half the time, I kept expecting to wake up. The worst part about it was I kept thinking that I hadn’t done anything to find myself in that position. The thing with Ryan and the money and Woody and the visa. None of that was anything to do with me except that I was the answer. The answer to all their problems. And I couldn’t see any way out – then one evening when I was about to go off to work Woody asked me if I wanted to invite the people from work to the wedding.’
‘From the nursery?’
‘And from the restaurant. They were talking about it in the kitchen, the two of them, Ryan and Woody, drinking beer, saying it would look much better if people came, and then Ryan said that maybe we could have the reception at the restaurant, and wondered if they could get a discount on the catering. Laughing like it was some big joke.’
‘Had you talked to Ryan about what was going on?’
‘He wouldn’t talk to me about it. Not directly. I kept trying to get him on his own, tried to make him see sense and see what he had done, but he just said that it would be fine. Fine. There was nothing fine about it. He didn’t even say he was sorry anymore. And then Woody said that he would organise the food, and that I needed a dress – you know, like a proper wedding dress.’
‘And how did you feel?’
‘Like a piece of meat.’
‘And did you talk to Ryan about that?’
‘I tried to but something had changed between us after that day when he came home from hospital. It’s like he was blocking me out. Like he wasn’t on my side anymore. It was him and Woody. He kept telling me to lighten up, like it was nothing, that it would be over and done in no time, and then we could all get on with our lives. And I could see that for him it was true. By marrying Woody I had bought off Farouk; Ryan was home scot-free. They were talking about what they’d do, once things were settled.’
‘Who were?’
‘Woody and Ryan.’
&nb
sp; ‘Okay and what did you think they meant by settled, Sarah?’
‘Married, I suppose, with his right to remain. Woody kept saying that he could make some real money then. He and Ryan were always in the kitchen talking about what they would do next, how they planned to set up in business now they were going to be family. Next of kin.
Ryan kept on about how he had always wanted a brother. It was so crazy. It was like he pushed me to the outside edge. I wanted to shake him and try and make him understand. It felt like I’d sold my soul to save him, but he didn’t see it that way at all. Once the bruises had faded he didn’t seem to have any sense of what he’d done or what he’d done to me, and he was still swanning around in the van he’d bought like nothing had happened. Nothing. It felt like things were slipping away from me. Ryan wasn’t paying anything towards the bills because with his fingers being broken he couldn’t really work, and Woody said he was paying enough already – I practically had to beg the two of them for money to keep going.
‘And you were still working?’
‘Yes, all hours that god sent, although it wasn’t easy. The two of them didn’t want me out of their sight. I think they were both afraid I might change my mind or make a run for it or something. And they wanted me to tell everyone about the wedding.’
Chapter Twelve
‘Oh my god, you’re getting married?’ whooped Anessa, throwing her arms around Sarah and hugging her tight up against her chest. ‘That is just brilliant. I’m so pleased for you. You are such a dark horse, Sarah. I didn’t realise you and Josh were—’
‘No, not Josh,’ Sarah said hastily, stepping away and stopping Anessa dead in her tracks.
It was her first day back at work and she had been mulling over when to say something. Time, Woody said, was pressing. They hadn’t got long. The wedding was just a matter of weeks away.
Sarah and Anessa had been busy restocking the plant tables out in the retail poly tunnels, trying to get everything sorted before the weekend rush. The air was heavy with the scent of loam and water, and the sweet high notes of the jasmine that they had been arranging on one of the displays.
Anessa pulled a face. ‘What do you mean not Josh? But I thought…’ She grinned. ‘You’re pulling my leg, aren’t you?’
Sarah could feel her colour rising. ‘No, no I’m not. I’ve been seeing someone else for a while, on and off before I started seeing Josh. I don’t think either of us realised that it was serious, and then I met Josh and…’ She paused. She had been rehearsing the lie, trying to make it sound plausible so that it would fend people off but now, said aloud, it sounded crazy.
Anessa was waiting, hanging on her every word.
‘It’s complicated,’ Sarah fudged, waving Anessa’s curiosity away. ‘I think seeing me with someone else made him realise that he wanted to settle down. Wanted to make a commitment. ’ She paused, not quite able to meet Anessa’s eye. ‘And me too, and so he asked me to marry him and I said yes.’
‘So who is it then?’ pressed Anessa.
‘Woody,’ Sarah began.
‘Oh my god, not your lodger?’ Anessa squealed. ‘Oh wow. That is just so bad. You are such a naughty, naughty girl.’ She wagged her finger at Sarah. ‘I thought you said he was a bit of a nerd. Mind you they do say it’s the quiet ones you have to watch. I’d never have guessed.’ Anessa was giggling now. ‘I never had any idea. Wow, that is just amazing. Bloody hell.’
Sarah realised that Anessa was totally taken in.
‘So when is it, then? I am getting an invite, aren’t I? Is it a church do?’ She paused. ‘He’s Muslim presumably?’
Sarah hesitated. ‘We’re having a register office wedding. Saves all the hassle. Neither of us is really religious.’
Anessa nodded. ‘God, that sounds so sensible. I wish someone would tell that to my mum and dad. So what are you going to wear? Have you got your dress yet? I saw this most amazing dress the other day. It would look fabulous on you. Maybe we could nip into town sometime and I could show it to you?’
Sarah nodded. Within no time at all the blue touch paper on the rumour mill caught light. By the end of the day everyone at the nursery, including half the customers knew that Sarah was getting married.
*
‘Sarah, Sarah. Wait! Please.’
Sarah swung round at the sound of her name to see Josh running across the car park towards her. It had just started to rain, big fat droplets of rain that exploded onto the dry dusty tarmac. She was heading home. It was a few minutes after six and the nursery had closed for the day. Josh had pulled his jacket up to his ears; he was dressed for work in jeans and a tee shirt. His expression was somewhere between a smile and something more serious.
He had to have been waiting for her to come out. The sight of Josh made Sarah’s heart ache. She hesitated for a split second, wondering if there was some way she could explain to him what was going on, something she could say that would make it right, but hadn’t Woody already impressed on her she couldn’t say anything, not a word? And that implied threat that if she didn’t keep quiet that Josh would be in as much danger as Ryan. She turned and, putting her head down, hurried away from him.
‘Please, wait,’ Josh said, as he caught up to her, breathing hard. ‘What on earth is going on? Can’t we just talk, Sarah? Just stop for a minute, will you? What’s happened? Have I done something?’
Sarah shook her head.
‘No, no it’s not you,’ she said, trying hard not to catch his eye in case he could somehow see the truth. ‘I’m really sorry, Josh. I can’t stop. I’ve got someone waiting for me,’ she said.
‘I don’t understand.’
Sarah glanced without focusing across the car park to where she knew Woody was parked up by the fence. Since she had gone back to work he had been dropping her off at the beginning of her shift and picking her up when she was done, and had told her that he thought it was a good idea if he gave her a lift until the wedding, maybe even longer, just in case she got any ideas. That’s what he said, any ideas. He’d been laughing when he said, but she knew he meant it; he didn’t trust her. She guessed he was worried that maybe she would change her mind about the wedding – as if she could. It felt as if she was on a very short leash. While at home Woody barely spoke to her but when she was out he had made it clear he would be watching her like a hawk.
So, even though Sarah couldn’t see his face she knew Woody would be watching her now.
‘Surely you can spare a couple of minutes, Sarah. Please,’ Josh said.
She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry. I really can’t.’ She pulled her coat tight around her and was about to walk off again when Josh caught hold of her arm.
‘Look, will you just stop and talk to me? For god’s sake, Sarah, what’ll it take? I just don’t understand what happened. Are you okay? I’m worried about you.’ She could hear the frustration in his voice along with his concern, distress and confusion. ‘I’m not going to hurt you or be angry, Sarah, I love you. I thought you loved me. I don’t understand what’s going on here. I’d just like some sort of explanation. Is it too much to ask?’
Of course it wasn’t. Sarah made the mistake of looking up, and heard the breath catch in his throat when he saw her face. She didn’t know what it was Josh saw there, but when he spoke again his tone was more anxious, softer, worried. ‘What the hell is going on, Sarah. Are you ill? Is that what this is about? Let me help – let me in – I want to help you.’
She shook her head. ‘You can’t,’ she said, ‘I’m fine. I just need to get home.’
‘You don’t look fine.’
‘Really, I am, but I have to go.’
‘When can I see you?’ he said, as she pulled herself clear of him. ‘We could meet up for a coffee or something. Or lunch? Whatever it is, whatever the problem is, at least let’s talk about it. Let me help you.’
‘You can’t, Josh. Please. I can’t see you again,’ Sarah said, trying hard to keep the emotion out of her voice. ‘Please just leave
me alone.’
‘What do you mean, can’t?’
‘I mean I don’t want to,’ she said, more carefully.
‘I don’t believe you. What the hell is going on here, Sarah?’
‘Nothing. Please go now, Josh, please. I don’t want to see you again. Do you understand?’
‘I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t believe you.’
‘I have to go now,’ said Sarah.
And with that she pulled away from him, her heart pounding as she hurried across to the car. When she got to the passenger side Woody leaned over and opened the door for her. ‘Get in,’ he said, tone neutral.
Sarah nodded and did as she was told, keeping her chin tucked down onto her chest.
Josh stood watching the car as it pulled away. As they drove out of the car park, Sarah could see him in the wing mirror, Josh finally turning and slowly walking back to his truck.
‘So what did he say to you?’ Woody asked, pulling out into the early evening traffic.
‘Nothing much,’ Sarah dropped her bag into the foot-well and made a show of arranging her coat so that she didn’t have to look Woody in the eyes. She didn’t want him to see the pain and the welling glassy tears. She didn’t want to give him the pleasure.
‘I’m not stupid, Sarah. I saw him talking to you. What did he say to you?’ he pressed.
‘He just wanted to talk.’
‘And?’
‘And nothing. I told him it was over. That’s all.’
‘So, did you arrange to meet him? To talk to him later maybe?’ Woody’s tone was reasonable, almost conversational, as if the main thrust of his attention was elsewhere, but Sarah wasn’t fooled. It felt like he was trying to lull her into a false sense of security, to catch her out, to make her trip and fall.
