by Welfare, Sue
Josh made his way inside. He didn’t recognise the girl on the till so instead he headed off through the shop into the plant court and towards the rest of the tunnels. As he turned the corner, he spotted a familiar figure in one of the closed tunnels, working at a potting bench. Josh picked his way round between the shrubs and trees in pots to the doorway and called out.
‘Anessa?’
She looked up in surprise, and pushed back a strand of hair with the back of her gloved hand. ‘Hi, Josh. You’re about early this morning. How are you? Come on in. How can I help?’ She glanced back over her shoulder to a trolley piled high with trays of new plants. ‘Are you looking for winter bedding? We’ve just had some really nice heathers in.’
He smiled. ‘I’m not after plants at the moment. I wondered if Sarah is around today?’
Anessa shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, but she’s not here at the moment. She’s taken a few days off.’ Anessa paused. ‘You heard about Ryan?’
Josh nodded. ‘It’s one of the reasons I’m here, that and to see how she is. How’s she doing? Is she okay?’
Anessa pulled a face. ‘It depends what you mean by okay. We don’t really talk much these days. I mean, we talk about work and things, but not like we used to. Not since she got married.’
Josh stopped mid-stride; it felt as if someone had punched him. ‘Married? Are you kidding?’
Anessa reddened. ‘Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Josh. Didn’t you know? I thought you must have heard. She got married to that guy who was living there with them. The lodger. You know the one. I went to the wedding.’
‘Not Woody?’ said Josh in amazement.
Anessa nodded. ‘It must have been a couple of months ago now, if not longer. I’m so sorry. I don’t think Woody likes her working very much. He’s always ringing her up, and he brings her here first thing and is here to meet her at the end of the day. Proper possessive I reckon. It would drive me crazy, but she won’t hear a word against him.’
Josh shook his head. ‘I don’t know what to say. I kept away because Sarah was so upset last time.’ His voice faded. ‘I’d got no idea.’
Anessa sighed and peeled off her work gloves. ‘Neither had we, it was a total bolt out of the blue. To be honest I thought…’ she paused, as if measuring her words.
‘What?’
‘I thought that if Sarah was going to be marrying anyone it would have been you, Josh. Ever since I’ve known her she has always played her cards close to her chest. She’s not one to open up much about her private life, but she was constantly dropping your name into the conversation; Josh this, Josh that.’ Anessa smiled. ‘She talked about you all the time and then, out of the blue, there was this thing with Woody. I tried to talk to her about it but she said there was nothing to talk about. I assumed you two had split up, and that she had maybe got together with him on the rebound. I mean it happens – you’re feeling low and someone offers you a shoulder. But even so I was really surprised when she told me she was getting married to him. And so quickly too. But then she told me that she had been going out with him before but he wouldn’t commit until he saw her with you – but I’m not convinced. I think she needed something to make it sound like it wasn’t a spur of the moment thing.’
Josh nodded, trying to gather his thoughts. ‘I don’t know what to say. I spoke to her last night.’
‘And she didn’t tell you?’ said Anessa.
‘I didn’t really give her much of a chance. I rang up when I heard about Ryan.’
Anessa shook her head. ‘God, isn’t that awful? I couldn’t believe it. So sad. I mean, he was always a bit of a lad, but really nice, you know. He was such a flirt,’ she said with a grin. ‘And they were really close. I can’t imagine how she must feel at the moment.’
Josh nodded. ‘So have you seen her?’
Anessa shook her head. ‘No, not since she rang in and told the boss about Ryan. I’ve tried ringing a couple of times but I can’t get through. I was thinking of maybe sending a card but…’ There was something else in her voice.
‘But what?’ pressed Josh.
Instead of replying Anessa shook her head again.
‘I thought you might have been round there,’ said Josh. ‘Are you saying you haven’t seen her at all since Ryan died?’
Anessa glanced over her shoulder as if there was some possibility that she might be overheard. ‘I know it’s not right, especially at the moment when she needs her friends, and if things were right between me and Sarah I’d be round there like a flash. I’d be there now. Sarah and I have been friends for years, more or less since she started here. But it feels like Woody is always around, in your face, like he is afraid to leave her on her own. Something happened, something changed, and I don’t know exactly what it was. It’s like she just shut me out. I tried to talk to her before the wedding and afterwards, about Woody and what was going on, but she wasn’t having any of it.’
‘Sarah sort of pushed me away. She made it obvious that whatever I’d got to say she didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to get into the middle of this, Josh, but I think there is something really odd going on there.’
‘Odd? Like what?’
‘I don’t know what exactly, but at the wedding – ’ Anessa hesitated.
‘What?’ pressed Josh. ‘Please. I need to know.’
‘Beforehand I said we ought to have a hen night but she told me that it wasn’t her style – anyway I asked her why she was getting married so quickly and why him – I tried not to be heavy about it, but as her friend I was worried in case she was making a mistake. She more or less blanked me, and told me that basically it was none of my business, and that it was something she had to do. Had to is a funny way to describe getting married. I did wonder if she was pregnant. You know what Sarah’s like, a bit old fashioned, and I could see that maybe that was why she felt she had to. So I asked her. And then she was really angry with me, and said of course not, so I asked her if she loved him, and she teared up and said that of course she did. But if I’m honest I didn’t believe a word of it.’
‘You were going to tell me about the wedding,’ said Josh gently.
‘Oh god yes, sorry. There were a couple of things really that just didn’t ring right. First of all at the reception back at their place Woody had had a bit to drink. It was quite late on, and they had only had like buffet food, crisps and snacks and things, most people had gone home. I was in the sitting room and he came in and started flirting with me. I mean, like really flirting, not jokey or anything.’
‘This was Woody?’
Yes, I know – it was bizarre, and to begin with I thought maybe I might be reading it wrong, but the more I’ve thought about it since the more sure I am. He was definitely coming on to me. Anyway, Sarah came in and he stopped, obviously. Then during the conversation Sarah was telling Woody that my family come from the same region of Pakistan as his. My uncle – that’s my dad’s brother – has got an export business in Quetta. I’ve only been there once with my mum and dad when my cousin got married. We’d talked about it at work when I’d asked her about who Woody was. Anyway, I asked him if he knew any of my father’s family. Just like conversation, nothing heavy – I know it was a long shot, but their business is quite well known in Quetta and my uncle is really well connected.’
‘So what happened?’
‘Oh god, Woody looked like a scalded cat. I think I wished him good luck in Pashto and his expression just froze, and he said that he didn’t speak anything other than English in front of Sarah because he didn’t want to exclude her. He was really short with me about it. Like really pissed. I tried to make a joke of it, laugh it off, but he was deadly serious. And then he said that he didn’t want to talk about Quetta, that that part of his life was over. His parents weren’t coming to their wedding and them being so anti had left a sour taste in his mouth. They weren’t very pleased about him marrying Sarah and as far as he was concerned he had cut all ties with them. This was his home now he said. The t
hing is, I can understand him feeling like that, but I didn’t know about it and he was really abrupt and rude and he kept on about it. I mean, I didn’t know how upset he was. Sarah was so embarrassed. So I backed off and changed the subject. But it was awkward, and…’
‘And?’
‘And I thought there was a lot more to it than that, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.’ Anessa hesitated and then waved the words away. ‘Sorry, this is just me speculating. All I know is that I tried to talk to Sarah about Woody and the wedding a couple of days later. She’d already said that they wouldn’t be going on a honeymoon. Reading between the lines I don’t think they could afford it. Anyway she popped in to collect a present that the girls had bought her. Woody brought her in and was all smiles. She’d got cakes for everyone. She kept saying it was Woody’s idea, and we all took photos.’ Anessa stopped.
‘The thing is, Josh, and it might just be my imagination but none of it felt right. It felt staged, like a show. And Sarah looked absolutely terrible. Woody kept joking about her having the hangover from hell, but I was there at the reception, she barely drank anything. I was worried about her.’ She stopped. ‘I still am worried about her, and more now that she hasn’t got Ryan.’
Josh
‘As soon as I got outside in the car park I rang Sarah. The call went straight to voice mail. I left a message to tell her that I was coming round to see her. I couldn’t believe that she was married. It just seemed crazy. I loved her. I told her that I didn’t care what she said or what excuses she had, I was on my way round, we needed to talk.’
‘And what happened.’
‘Nothing.’
‘She didn’t reply?’
‘No, but like I said that wasn’t going to stop me. I wanted to sort this out once and for all.’
Chapter Eighteen
Woody was in the kitchen when Sarah got downstairs. She was still in her dressing gown and pyjamas, and was surprised to find him still there. Over the last few days he had been gone by the time she got up. Instinctively Sarah pulled her dressing gown tighter around her, not that he noticed, instead he was hunched over the counter by the kettle. As Sarah stepped into the room he swung round, startled by the sound of her footsteps on the tiles; he had something in his hands. It took Sarah a moment or two to realise what it was.
‘What are you doing?’ she said. ‘That’s my handbag.’
‘I thought we had already ascertained that what’s yours is mine. Or would you like me to prove it to you again?’
She reddened, feeling her stomach flutter with a horrible mix of fury and fear, and looked away.
Woody laughed. ‘I didn’t think so,’ he said, and then he tipped the contents of her bag out onto the kitchen table. ‘Where is your phone?’
Sarah shook her head. ‘Not in there. What do you want it for?’
‘Mine’s dead. Where is it?’
Sarah touched her dressing gown pocket; a reflex response. Woody grinned and held out his hand. ‘Here, give it to me. I just need to borrow it for a little while.’
‘But I need it with me in case anyone rings from the hospital. The woman said they would let me know when they were releasing Ryan’s body.’ Sarah’s voice crackled as she spoke.
Woody nodded and took the phone out of her hand. ‘I just need it for a day or two. You can have it back.’ He looked up, his gaze tracking round the kitchen.’ And you need to sort this place out. Clean up. Clean yourself up. You’re a mess. The house is a mess. What will people think?’
‘What people?’
‘We’ll have to have a funeral, people will be coming back here.’
‘What people?’ she repeated. Who was there left? She thought fleetingly of Josh and wondered if he was already on his way. She glanced at the phone now in Woody’s hand. It had taken all her will power to delete his message. There was no telling what Woody would do or say if he knew that Josh had her new number.
Instead of answering her question Woody thumbed through the menu on the phone. ‘Did you clear the call log on this?’ he asked.
Sarah looked at him; glassy eyed her expression in neutral. ‘I don’t even know what that means,’ she said.
He glanced up, presumably to see if she was lying and then Woody nodded. ‘Okay, well I’m keeping this for the moment,’ he said. ‘Look on it as a loan. You can have it back as soon as I’ve got mine sorted out.’
Sarah felt a flicker of panic. ‘But what if the hospital calls?’ she said. What if Josh called back?
‘I’ll let you know what they say.’ He slipped the phone into his jacket pocket. ‘And anyone else who rings up to give their condolences. You never know who might have got hold of your number. I’ll field them for you, so you don’t have to keep explaining what happened. I’ll pass on what we know so you don’t have to keep repeating it. Don’t keep having to get upset.’
It was a lie, they both knew it. He didn’t want her talking to anyone.
‘Please,’ Sarah said. ‘Don’t take it away. I need it.’
‘I’ll see you later.’ He stopped as he reached the door. ‘And we need to go shopping; there’s nothing in the cupboards.’
Sarah stared at him. What was this, some show of domestic bliss for the benefit of the Immigration services? Or whoever it was he was expecting to come round to offer their condolences?
‘I’ve been thinking,’ he said. ‘I think you should get yourself a new job?’
She stared at him.
‘You need a fresh start,’ he said.
Away from her friends, Sarah thought, but didn’t say. Away from the people who knew Josh and Ryan and remembered how she was before she got married. A fresh start, which would make things easier for him, not her.
‘That’s not going to happen. I like my job,’ Sarah said.
‘Write a list of what we need,’ he said as if Sarah hadn’t spoken. She hated the way he had said we, there was no we, only her and him. Sarah couldn’t remember a time when she had felt so alone.
‘I have to go to the bank,’ she said.
Woody grinned. ‘No need. I’ve got money. We’ll go when I get back. And get this place cleaned up. I’ll be back in a little while, there’s just something I need to sort out. And get dressed.’
When he got to the back door Woody paused and looked her up and down. ‘You look tired. You’re too thin. You need to take more care of yourself. I’m worried about you, Sarah. I don’t want you to end up like Ryan.’
She stared at him, the words stopping her dead in her tracks. ‘What is that supposed to mean?’ she demanded.
‘Oh come on, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I didn’t want to say anything about it to the police, but I keep wondering about that night. At the pub? I know I told them that Ryan was okay but the truth was he had been depressed for weeks. We both know that. You know how he was. He couldn’t keep a job down from one week to the next, never had any money, no prospects, totally unreliable and I know he was gutted that you had ended up having to bail him out.’
Woody paused, and then sighed. ‘It doesn’t take a mind-reader to see where his mind was going, Sarah. He was drinking more, pissing away any money he had got. He told me over and over again that he felt like he had let you down.’
Sarah shivered. ‘Are you trying to tell me that Ryan killed himself?’
Woody lifted his hands in a gesture that implied anything was possible. ‘You were the one who told him that he was on his own, Sarah. No more help, no more bailing him out, remember? He told me all about it. And I think there’s a chance that he might have borrowed some more money. I just need to find out what the damage was. Ryan knew he’d let you down, Sarah. And he was depressed; a few drinks inside him and all he would talk about was how you’d be better off without him.’
‘No,’ Sarah hissed.’ No, that’s not true.’ She slumped down onto one of the chairs by the kitchen table trying to process what Woody had said. He had to be lying. Surely Ryan wouldn’t do anything so
stupid. Surely. He must have known she would always be there for him whatever she said.
‘I won’t be long,’ Woody said, closing the door behind him – not that she noticed.
Sarah sat at the kitchen table for a long time after he left, listening to the clock tick-tick-ticking away the morning and thinking about what he had said. If Woody was right about Ryan surely she would have noticed it; seen it. He had seemed a bit subdued before the wedding, but she had put that down to the situation with the money and the beating. Afterwards he hadn’t maybe felt as close as before, but she had assumed it was because he felt guilty, not suicidal. He had been working on and off, and she thought he was okay.
She replayed the nights he had been in the kitchen planning jobs with Woody. He had seemed all right then. She couldn’t bear to think that he thought she really had abandoned him. Sarah closed her eyes tight, trying to stop her mind slipping away into the great black well of grief and pain that threatened. She had to do something, anything to give her some sense of control.
Glancing round she knew that Woody was right, the house was a mess. The kitchen was littered with the debris from days of eating out of packets, from not washing up, from not being able to think about anything other than Ryan and what it must have felt like to drown, imagining the cold water soaking into his clothes and pulling him down, down. Sarah couldn’t bear to think about it for longer than a few seconds but the thoughts crept up on her and came to her in her sleep. What would it be like not to have him in her life? Everything was falling to pieces.
Sarah glanced round the kitchen, seeing the place with fresh eyes. It was a mess. Josh had said he was coming round. She didn’t want him to see her or the house like this. The sound of his voice on the voice mail had been like heaven. Clearing the call log had been something she had done when she had deleted the message; she had done it without thinking, clearing all trace of him. And thank god she had. She had planned to call him or text him back but perhaps her silence was even more compelling. She just prayed that he didn’t try to ring again because then she knew Woody would want to know how he had got her number and if he had rung before, and she didn’t trust herself to lie twice.
