by MJ Duncan
Her hand visibly trembled as she reached out to ring the bell, and she shifted her weight from one foot to the other as she waited for the door to open. When it became apparent that Anna was ignoring the bell, she punched it again.
Her pulse pounded wildly in her ears and her stomach churned with a nauseating combination of fear and anxiety as she waited for the door to open, and she steeled herself to stand on Anna’s porch for as long as it took to try and fix things between them.
She needed to apologize. To explain. And the idea of not being able to, of losing what she had only just realized she wanted, was almost crippling.
She stared at the lit window on her right that opened onto the living room, and held her breath when a shadow fell across it. Anna. She rang the bell again, following it up with a desperate rat-a-tat-tat of her knuckles against the door.
“Goddamn it, Holloway, I told you I was fine!” Anna yelled as she yanked the door open.
Bryn had been poised to apologize, but the words died on her tongue. Anna’s eyes were red and swollen, the smooth skin underneath smeared with mascara. She had known that she had hurt Anna, but seeing just how badly she had done so rocked her to her core.
“Anna…” Bryn rasped around the lump that was lodged in her throat. She could have handled anger—hell, she deserved Anna’s anger—but instead Anna’s shoulders slumped in defeat as she leaned against the doorjamb, the fire she had ripped the door open with flickering out the instant she laid eyes on Bryn.
“What do you want?” Anna asked tiredly, rubbing her right hand over her face.
“I…” Bryn took a small step forward, desperate to ease the anguish that was etched onto Anna’s face. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, the apology escaping on a shuddering breath that threatened to break completely. “So, so sorry.”
“I know,” Anna said softly, blinking hard as the tears that had pooled in her eyes began to overflow. “Me too. But I can’t… I can’t do this, Bryn. Not right now. Not tonight.”
It was a liberty she had not earned, but Bryn could not resist reaching out to gently brush the tears from Anna’s cheek. “I know. And I know that I’m the last person you want to see right now, but…” She shook her head. “May I come in, please?”
Anna looked poised to refuse, but after a moment she sighed and stepped out of the way, wordlessly motioning Bryn inside.
“Thank you,” Bryn murmured as she stepped over the threshold. There was an open bottle of tequila on the coffee table but no glass, and Bryn swallowed thickly as she looked back at Anna.
God, what had she done?
Anna refused to meet her gaze as she closed the front door. Bryn watched the way Anna’s fingers lingered on the handle as if she were debating wrenching it back open and running away, and she held her breath as she waited for her to decide. When it seemed like she might never choose, Bryn whispered, “I panicked.”
It must have been the right thing to say, because Anna chuckled darkly as she pushed herself off the door. “Yeah.”
Bryn nodded. “I am so sorry.”
“You keep saying that,” Anna murmured.
“Because I am. Because I don’t know what else to say. I’m trying to…” Bryn blew out a frustrated breath. “Fuck, I wish I were better with words. I kissed you and I panicked, and I’m sorry.”
It was the curse that seemed to catch Anna’s attention more than the repeated apology, and Bryn heart raced as she tried again, terrified that if she did not find a way explain what she was feeling and what she wanted that she would never have another chance. “I’m not good with feelings, and yet I’m overwhelmed by them whenever I look at you.” She took a deep breath and lifted a shaky hand to tuck Anna’s hair behind her ear.
Anna was so achingly beautiful as her head turned ever so slightly into Bryn’s touch, and Bryn blinked hard as emotion welled inside her. How had she not realized exactly how much she cared for Anna before tonight? How had she ever thought that what they had was purely platonic?
She wanted nothing more than to kiss Anna again, to try and explain with that soft caress exactly how she felt, but she did not allow herself that selfishness. She had kissed Anna earlier on impulse, her heart taking what the rest of her had stubbornly refused to acknowledge she wanted, and she was not going to make that mistake again.
Bryn stared into Anna’s eyes, pleading with a look for forgiveness and understanding. “You are everything I had given up on ever finding, and the fact that you are a woman scared me. It still does, to be honest.”
“Bryn…”
“Please,” Bryn whispered. “I need to try and explain. I need…” She shrugged, frustration building inside her as the words she needed continued to elude her. Anna watched her with far more patience than she would have managed were their roles reversed, and she sighed. She wanted to say something poetic, something that could properly describe the things kissing Anna had made her feel, but as those words hovered out of her reach, she went with something more simple. “I’m sorry I panicked, I’m so sorry I hurt you.” She smiled sadly. “But I am not sorry that I kissed you.”
“I don’t understand,” Anna whispered.
Bryn bit her lip as she caressed Anna’s cheek with her thumb, heartened by the fact that Anna permitted the touch. “I can never be sorry for kissing you, not when it made me realize how I feel about you.”
Anna blinked hard, and when she opened her eyes again, Bryn saw a glimmer of hope flickering in her gaze. “What do you want, Bryn?”
The answer to that question was so suddenly simple and clear, and Bryn’s heart fluttered into her throat as she answered, “You. I want you. I—”
Anna cut her off with a kiss, and Bryn moaned as she wrapped her arms around Anna’s neck and pulled her closer. The sound of Anna whispering her name as strong arms wrapped around her waist, so breathy and soft and full of desire made her head spin. She had never heard her name spoken with such reverence, and she whimpered as she surged forward, pouring even more of herself into the kiss. A warm shiver that made her nipples tight and her stomach flip rolled down her spine when Anna’s tongue flicked lightly over her lips, and she sighed as she opened her mouth to meet it with her own. Anna’s hands slid over her back as they kissed, stroking, caressing, pressing into the small of her back and the hollow between her shoulder blades; holding, moving, sliding, touching as much as she could as if she were afraid that all of this might once again be taken from her.
Their kisses eventually became slower, deeper, burning with so much emotion that Bryn’s heart beat heavily in her throat. She did not know that it was possible to feel so much from a kiss. She had not realized how much she could actually feel for someone else until this moment.
After a time, their kisses trailed off into a string of lingering pecks, and Bryn drew a shaky breath as she blinked her eyes open to see Anna staring back at her with wonder and joy and a familiar dark heat that Bryn finally recognized as desire burning in her gaze.
She had been so blind to not know what it all meant before now.
“God, I am so sorry about earlier.” Bryn brushed a tender kiss over Anna’s lips. “So sorry.”
“Shh,” Anna murmured, smiling as she leaned her forehead against Bryn’s. “It’s okay.”
Bryn shook her head, but before she could argue, Anna once again stopped her with a kiss that was so slow and sweet and perfect that, by the time it ended, Bryn could barely remember her own name, let alone whatever it was she had been going to say. “That’s not fair.”
Anna chuckled and kissed her again. “Do you want me to stop?”
“God, no.” Bryn smiled and shook her head as she leaned forward to recapture Anna’s lips in a kiss that left her weak-kneed and breathless, and she whimpered when she pulled away long enough to whisper, “I won’t be able to stay standing much longer if you keep kissing me like this.”
Anna groaned and used her hold on Bryn’s waist to steer her backwards. “Couch.”
Bryn’s dr
ess rode up her thighs as she laid back on the soft cushions, and it was pushed even higher when Anna climbed on top of her. She tangled her fingers in Anna’s hair as the brunette settled between her legs, and claimed her lips in a kiss that was deep and searing as Anna’s body covered her own. She lost all sense of time as one kiss blended seamlessly into another, each one filled with more emotion than the last. She moaned and tore her mouth away to gasp for air as a firm hand covered her breast, squeezing lightly before a heavy thumb dragged with excruciating slowness over her nipple.
“Okay?” Anna asked, flicking her tongue over the Bryn’s earlobe.
Bryn nodded and arched into Anna’s touch. “Yes.”
Her name fell from Anna’s lips on a sigh as the brunette’s mouth hovered over her own, and she let her own hands begin to wander, tracing the curves of Anna’s body as they fell into another never-ending string of kisses that made her head spin. This was so different than anything she had experienced before. Anna was so much softer, her lips fuller than the men Bryn had ever been with. She felt better stretched out atop her, her weight comforting and arousing instead of heavy and suffocating. Bryn lost herself in the feeling of Anna’s body rocking against her own, hips grinding as a need Bryn like had never felt before set her body aflame.
Sex had always been something she entered into more out of a sense of duty than actual desire, but with Anna she felt like she could not get close enough. Anna’s skin was smooth and warm when she slipped a hand beneath the hem of her shirt to drag her fingertips across the small of Anna’s back, and Bryn contented herself with caressing that small patch of skin before moving on, up Anna’s side until her fingers skated over smooth satin. The low, breathy moan that tumbled from Anna’s lips when she palmed her breast was intoxicating, and Bryn smiled as she stroked her thumb back and forth over her nipple, loving the way it strained against her touch.
“Shit,” Anna grunted, pushing herself up to look at Bryn.
Anna was a beautiful mess, her eyes dark and filled with longing, her hair wild from Bryn’s fingers tugging at it, and Bryn stared, absolutely enchanted. “You are stunning.”
“You are.” Anna dipped her head and dragged the tip of her nose along the side of Bryn’s. “And, God, do I want you, but I think it would be best if we slowed things down a little.”
Bryn brushed a kiss over the point of Anna’s chin. Her pulse throbbed between her legs where Anna’s hips were pressed intimately against her, and even though she knew Anna was right, she was tired of being sensible. She smiled as she flicked her thumb over Anna’s nipple. “Do you?”
Anna closed her eyes and groaned. “Good lord, Nakamura,” she muttered. She drew a shaky breath and placed her hand over Bryn’s on her breast. “I do. I don’t want to rush into anything. I mean, shit.” She sighed. “Two hours ago you were panicking about a kiss. This—” she gave Bryn’s hand a light squeeze and then guided it back down her body, “—is not going anywhere.” She laced their fingers together. “I want to do this right. Take things one step at a time and make sure you’re comfortable.”
Bryn sighed and nodded. “Okay.” She kissed Anna softly. “But we can still do this, right?”
“Absolutely.” Anna hummed and kissed the corner of Bryn’s mouth. “I can’t believe I can finally do this.”
“Finally?” Bryn asked, turning her head just enough to capture Anna’s lips with her own.
Anna nodded and rested her forehead against Bryn’s. “Yes, finally,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to fall for you, but you’re an impossible woman to resist.” She sighed and traced Bryn’s jaw with her fingertips. “I convinced myself that I was seeing only what I wanted to see, that ours was no different than any of my other friendships—but there was a part of me that hoped the little looks and the touches might mean something more. I should have never reached for you like this earlier—” Anna cupped Bryn’s face in her hand like she had back at Spectrum. “It was a line I had promised myself that I would never cross, but you looked so happy and beautiful that I couldn’t resist.”
“And then I kissed you.”
“God,” Anna half-sighed, half-moaned. “Yeah you did.”
Bryn smiled. “So, we’re okay?”
Anna nodded and smoothed her thumb over Bryn’s cheek. “Yeah. We are.” Her face screwed up adorably as she looked away and yawned, and she groaned when she looked back at Bryn. “Sorry. Long day.”
“Yeah, it was,” Bryn agreed. “But a good one.”
Anna smiled and kissed Bryn again. “Yeah. It was.”
“Do you want me to leave so you can go to bed?” Bryn offered. Anna looked exhausted, and the events from the day were beginning to catch up to her as well.
“No, I’m good.” Anna moved just enough to wedge herself between Bryn and the back of the couch, and laid her head on Bryn’s shoulder as she held her close. “Is this okay?”
Bryn pressed a lingering kiss to Anna’s forehead. She loved the feeling of Anna’s body curled into her side and the tickle of her hair against her skin, and she was in no hurry to see this moment end. “It’s perfect.”
Twenty-Six
Bryn awoke in the murky gray hours before dawn early the next morning to a painful crick in her neck and the gentle weight of Anna’s body half-slung over her own—proof that she had not imagined everything that had happened. As if, before last night, she would have ever imagined she might end up where she was now.
She brushed her lips over Anna’s forehead, marveling at how natural it felt for her to do so. There was no trace of her earlier panic, no angst-filled wonderings about what she was doing. Her mind was surprisingly quiet, leaving her free to focus on the way Anna’s hair felt sliding through her fingers, and the way Anna’s breath fell in warm waves over her collarbone. It was a peacefulness that she rarely experienced, one that she had never felt with another person, and she closed her eyes as that serenity settled in her limbs, dragging her back to sleep.
The next time she awoke the window was lit pink by the rising sun, and she squeezed her eyes shut against the stabbing pain in her neck. She was getting too damn old to sleep on a couch all night. But, she mused as she felt Anna’s lips ghost over her neck, the pain was worth it if it meant she got to wake up like this.
“I know you’re awake,” Anna teased in a playful whisper as she nuzzled Bryn’s pulse point.
Bryn smiled. “No I’m not.”
“Oh, okay, then I guess I’ll just get up now instead of laying here and cuddling.”
The cushions beneath Bryn’s back shifted, and she laughed as she turned her head to look at Anna. “Stay.”
“Ah, so you are awake.” Anna smiled and kissed her softly. “Good morning.”
“Good morning, indeed,” Bryn murmured, wincing as she tried to roll onto her side. “I am too old for this.”
Anna sat up and smiled down at her. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to fall asleep like that.”
Bryn nodded as she took Anna’s hands and allowed her to help her up as well. “Neither did I. What time is it?”
“Um…” Anna looked at the clock on the mantle. “Seven.”
Bryn groaned. Even if she was sleeping in, Kendall was up by six thirty at the latest, which meant that her absence had undoubtedly already been noticed. “Great.”
“Why? Did you have a meeting or something?”
“No. Nothing like that.” Bryn shook her head. “I just know that Kendall is going to have entirely too much fun teasing me about not coming home last night.”
“I don’t think she will.” Anna rubbed a hand over Bryn’s side. “She rather subtly threatened me about treating you well yesterday while you were getting changed for the party.”
Bryn snorted. “Yeah, right. Kendall’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer.”
“Well,” Anna chuckled and began gently massaging the back of Bryn’s neck, “I mean, the threats about how she’d ruin me were pretty overt, but she never quite came out and said anything spe
cifically about us being together.”
“Sounds about right. She told me last night that she thought you and I were together and that I just hadn’t told her yet.” Bryn sighed and turned so to give Anna better access to the back of her neck. Anna’s thumbs dug into the knots at the top of her spine, and she groaned as she leaned her head forward. “That feels so good.”
“Good.” Anna kissed the back of Bryn’s neck. “What else did she say?”
Bryn turned back to Anna, and ran a tender hand over her jaw. “She told me that I shouldn’t let the fact that you’re a woman keep me from recognizing that you are exactly who I need.” She captured Anna’s lips in a slow, sweet kiss. “I’m sorry I panicked.”
“No more apologies,” Anna whispered. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”
Bryn smoothed her thumb over Anna’s cheek. “I am going to have to go home soon, though. I need to go thank Kendall for talking some sense into me before she heads back to Portland.” She smiled at the small pout Anna gave her. “I was planning on making us all brunch this morning,” she murmured, kissing the pout from Anna’s lips. “So why don’t you come with me?”
“You know I never turn down food,” Anna murmured as she nuzzled Bryn’s cheek. “Especially when I don’t have to cook it.”
Bryn laughed. “I know.”
“But I really should shower.”
“I should too. So come over afterwards.”
Anna smirked. “You could always shower with me.”
“Really, Ms. Fitzpatrick?” Bryn arched a brow playfully. “We’ve yet to go on a single date, and you’re already trying to get me naked?”
“I would love to take you out on date, Nakamura. What are you doing tonight?”
Bryn rolled her eyes. “Packing for my trip to Boston tomorrow.”
