by MJ Duncan
The ominous thwump, thwump, thwump of her tires over the seams of the bridge sounded like muffled blasts from a cannon. Her heart was lodged in her throat, a lump of fear and desperation that was almost impossible to breathe around, and she wondered how in the hell she was going to be able to speak when she finally stood before Anna, begging for the forgiveness she was not entirely sure she deserved, but which she selfishly wanted anyway.
The parking lot behind Jitters was empty except for Di’s Prius as she drove past, and her heart was thundering so wildly when she turned onto Anna’s street that she feared she might pass out before she reached her destination.
Anna’s car was parked in the driveway when Bryn pulled to a stop at the curb in front of her house, and she took a deep breath to steel her resolve as she killed the ignition and opened her car door. Her gaze drifted over the porch she had helped paint as she made her way up the walk, snapshots of paint-fights and laughter, strong arms around her waist and soft lips whispering playfully against her ear burning themselves into her memory in case she never got to experience it again.
She dragged her fingers along the railing as she climbed the stairs, a sorrowful good-bye to that brief, shining moment of happiness in her life, and she swallowed hard as she stepped up to the door. She shut her eyes as she reached for the doorbell, her hand trembling as it hovered above the button until she found the strength to push it.
She took a step back as the chime rang through the house, and clasped her hands in front of herself to try and control their trembling as she waited. Every second that passed brought another memory, and though she desperately wanted to get this over with, to beg and grovel and apologize and learn her fate, there was a part of her that wanted this moment to last forever. Because here, hovering on the precipice between forgiveness and condemnation, she still had the illusion of hope to hang on to.
Here, all was not lost to her yet.
She heard footsteps stop on the other side of the door, and after a beat the deadbolt turned over with a thunderous click. She took a deep breath as she waited for the door to open, and offered up a prayer to whomever was listening that Anna might give her another chance.
Fifty-One
The last time they had done this particular dance, Anna still had tears on her cheeks. This time, she looked like she was well past the point of crying. Her eyes were red but dry, and the dark circles under them told Bryn that Anna had slept as little as she had in the last twenty-four hours. Her hair was tousled and she wore the same clothes from when she surprised Bryn at the hospital the day before, and there was an unmistakable weariness in the way she stood on the other side of the threshold, shoulders slumped, head tilted ever so slightly as she stared at Bryn.
There was no warmth in Anna’s gaze, just a wariness that broke Bryn’s heart.
“Hey,” Bryn said, her voice rough as it scratched its way around the lump in her throat.
“Déjà vu,” Anna muttered. “What are you doing here?”
Right to the point. Bryn knew that she deserved it, but after months of soft smiles and gentle kisses, the curtness in Anna’s tone was like a punch to the gut. She swallowed hard and shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
Anna shook her head tiredly. “What do you want, Bryn? Why aren’t you in Boston?”
“May I come in?”
Anna’s grip on the door tightened, and for a moment Bryn was certain that she was about to slam it in her face.
“Please. Just for a few minutes,” Bryn whispered beseechingly. “Please. I know nothing I say right now can make up for the way I treated you, but you deserve an explanation. The way I treated you, I …” Her voice trailed off and she stared pleadingly at Anna. “God, I am so sorry. I know that’s not nearly enough, but I am. I am so, so sorry.”
Anna closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and when she opened them again, they were shining with tears. “This isn’t something that can be fixed with a simple ‘I’m sorry’, Bryn.”
Bryn’s heart sank, and she wrapped her arms around herself as she nodded. “I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yes,” Bryn breathed. Tears stung at her eyes, and she blinked them back. “I do. But I want to fix this. I don’t want to lose you.”
Anna sighed. “Bryn…”
“Please,” Bryn begged, no longer able to keep her tears at bay, too afraid that she had truly pushed Anna away for good. “Please. Let me try. Let me try to prove to you how much you mean to me.”
Anna stared at her for what seemed like forever before she took a step backward, her eyes lifting to the ceiling like she could not believe what she was doing. “Come in. You’re shivering.”
“Thank you.” Bryn stepped hesitantly over the threshold and into the foyer. Anna’s backpack was hanging on the bottom of the banister, and Bryn’s stomach twisted as she remembered the way Anna’s hand had fisted the padded shoulder strap just before she walked out of the cafeteria.
The front door shut with a quiet click, and Bryn sucked in a deep breath as she turned to face it. “Anna…”
“Please don’t apologize again.” Anna leaned back against the front door. She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head. “Sorry doesn’t tell me why…”
Bryn’s bit her lip and shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. She was grateful for the opportunity to try and explain herself, but she was also terrified that it would not be enough to begin and earn Anna’s forgiveness. Her heart thudded heavily in her throat, and she swallowed hard to try and force it back where it belonged. “I was surprised by your arrival at the hospital, and I reacted horridly. I’ve told you enough that you know my relationship with my parents is strained.”
Anna nodded.
“They make demands, I jump through hoops to try and meet them. They’re also incredibly homophobic. On the rare occasion Kendall is in the same room as them, they are positively awful to her—and I did not want you to be faced with that.” Bryn sighed. “I was too afraid to be faced with that. I was afraid that my mother would see us together and I panicked and I took it out on you, pushing you away because I thought that it was the only way to protect myself and…” Her voice trailed off and she shrugged helplessly as she held back the apology that would have followed next.
Anna ran her hands through her hair, combing it into place with her fingers as she organized her thoughts. “I just wanted to be there for you. I would have been fine pretending that we were nothing more than friends.”
Bryn smiled sadly. “She would have known. She has never paid much attention to me, but she would have seen me with you and known. When I’m in Boston, I’m that heartless bitch you saw in the cafeteria. I keep everything I’m feeling locked away because then nothing can hurt me. But with you…” She shook her head. “I see you, and I smile. I hear your voice, and I…” She tucked her hair behind her ears and shrugged. “I’m not strong when I’m around you. And no matter how much I love feeling like this, no matter how badly I want to be this version of myself, I can’t be this person when I’m in Boston.”
Anna’s expression softened by a fraction. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
“And let you see how screwed up I am?” Bryn muttered, her voice choked with tears as she gazed dejectedly into Anna’s eyes.
“You’re not screwed up.”
“I am. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t have treated you the way I did yesterday.”
“You were afraid.” Anna pushed herself away from the door.
“Yes.” Bryn nodded. “But that does not excuse my behavior. That does not excuse the fact that I hurt you.”
“Maybe not,” Anna murmured, her eyes dancing over Bryn’s face as she stopped close enough to brush her fingers almost hesitantly along the curve of Bryn’s jaw. There was an uncertainty in her gaze, like she was testing herself to see if this was something she still wanted—if knowing the reason behind Bryn’s behavior was enough to let her maybe begin to forgive it. “But it does explain it,�
�� she added after a few moments, her voice as gentle as the hand that curved itself around Bryn’s jaw.
Bryn closed her eyes and turned her head into Anna’s touch, desperate to etch the feeling of Anna’s hand against her skin into her memory in case she never got to feel it again. “Anna…”
“I’m not saying that hearing you tell me that you wanted me to leave didn’t break my heart—but at least now I understand why you did it. And I’m sorry I put you in a situation like that.” She stroked her thumb back and forth over Bryn’s cheek. “I should have waited to see if you actually wanted me to be there for you before I jumped on a plane. I knew your relationship with your parents wasn’t great, but I had no idea—”
“Please don’t apologize.” Bryn covered Anna’s hand on her cheek with her own. “You did nothing wrong. I should have told you,” she whispered. “I should have told you about the things I have to do to get out of there in one piece, the parts of myself I’ve learned to lock away in order to simply survive. I’ve just been so happy these last few months that I honestly didn’t think about it much. It was a different life, a different world, and now…”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t want anything to do with it.” Bryn opened her eyes and looked at Anna, heartened by the understanding she saw staring back at her. “I always knew that my parents only cared about me insomuch as I filled a role they needed filled—the dutiful heir to the family empire—but I had always secretly hoped that things would change. That I might finally do something to earn their love.”
“Oh, Bryn…”
“I know it’s pathetic,” Bryn said quickly, shaking her head. “I’m too old to be so naïve, but they’re my parents and I…” She rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter. I am done sacrificing my happiness in a futile attempt to win their affection.”
“You don’t have to choose between me and your family,” Anna murmured. “It’s okay to have both.”
“I can’t.” Bryn sighed. “And, even if I could, I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to become that version of myself anymore. They’re going to call and they’re going to make their demands, but I have one very good reason to hold my ground and tell them no.”
“What’s that?”
“You.” Bryn stared imploringly into Anna’s eyes, needing to know that there was a way for them to eventually move past this. “You are the most important thing in my life, and if you give me another chance, I swear to you that I will do everything in my power to make sure you know in here—” she placed her hand over Anna’s heart, “—every day, how much you mean to me.”
Anna licked her lips and cradled Bryn’s hand against her chest. “I would like that. But you need to promise me something…”
“Anything,” Bryn swore breathlessly.
“Don’t shut me out. Don’t hold parts of yourself back just because you’re afraid I might not like what I see. Because I’m in, Nakamura. I’m not running away, you just have to trust me.”
Bryn let out the breath she had not even realized she had been holding and nodded. She felt lightheaded, dizzy with relief that she had not lost Anna. “Okay.”
Anna smiled and stroked her thumb over the back of Bryn’s knuckles. “Okay.”
“And you need to tell me if you feel like I’m shutting you out,” Bryn said after a moment.
Anna nodded. “Better communication all-around.”
“Yes. I think that would be best.”
“Me too.”
Bryn took a deep breath and let it go slowly as a shy smile tugged at the left side of her lips. “I don’t know what to do now,” she confessed.
“Come here,” Anna murmured, tugging gently on Bryn’s jaw. She brushed the lightest kiss over Bryn’s lips and then nuzzled her cheek as she held tighter to Bryn’s hand that was still clasped to her chest. “It’s going to take me a little time to really get over this, but I will.”
Bryn closed her eyes and nodded. “Okay.”
“We will be okay,” Anna promised, hooking a finger under Bryn’s chin and sealing her oath with a chaste, lingering kiss. “We’ll be okay.”
Fifty-Two
“Di is going to kick my ass if we’re late to this thing.”
Bryn smiled as Anna walked out of her closet with a familiar little black dress hanging loosely from her shoulders. Three months had passed since she walked out of her father’s hospital room, and though mother still called at least once a week demanding she return to take over the firm, the rest of Bryn’s life was exactly as she wished it to be.
At the moment, she was sitting in Anna’s bedroom, waiting for her to finish getting ready so they could meet everybody at a restaurant downtown to celebrate Diana’s birthday.
“I’ll protect you,” Bryn assured her as she slipped gracefully from the edge of the bed where she had been sitting and going through her emails on her phone.
“You’re the best,” Anna retorted playfully as she swept her hair into her hand and turned around in front of Bryn. “Zip me up?”
Though it had taken a little more than a month for the hurt that lingered in Anna’s gaze as a result of Bryn’s actions to truly disappear, Bryn was still keenly aware of what she had nearly lost that day, and she reverently caressed the length of smooth skin that stretched from the top of Anna’s panties to the nape of her neck. Her heart hammered in her chest as she leaned in to press a lingering kiss to the sensitive spot between Anna’s shoulder blades, and she took a deep breath as she nuzzled the bumps of Anna’s spine with her nose. “You look incredible,” she whispered as she pulled away to inspect the perfect crimson-colored stamp of her lips that marked the spot she had kissed.
“Thank you,” Anna murmured as she turned around, ignoring the fact that her zipper still lay at the small of her back.
Anna’s touch was light against her jaw as she guided their lips together, and Bryn sighed as she melted into the kiss. Her hands traced the sculpted planes of Anna’s back as they kissed long and slow and deep, ignoring the fact that there were places they needed to be and things they needed to be doing, and she licked her lips when they finally pulled apart for good. “You are so good at that.”
“You are too,” Anna teased as she stroked her the backs of her fingers along Bryn’s jaw. “I love you.”
They had been saying those three little words for a while now, but hearing them still made Bryn’s heart skip a beat. “I love you, too.” She kissed Anna again as she reached behind her to tug her zipper up into place, and then pulled away with a regretful sigh. “As much as I would love to continue this right now, we should probably get going.”
“Probably,” Anna agreed, her tongue trailing slowly over her lips as she threaded her fingers through Bryn’s hair. “But I don’t care.”
Bryn moaned as the hand in her hair tightened, holding her still as Anna’s mouth slanted over her own. She clung to Anna’s hips, digging her fingers into the firm muscles of Anna’s behind as her stomach swooped with pleasure and her knees felt weak. By the time their kisses slowed to a series of chaste, lingering pecks, she was completely lightheaded and smiling like a fool. “They would understand if we skipped this thing, right?”
Anna laughed and shook her head. “Do you really want to deal with the teasing we’ll get if we blow off her party to stay home and have sex?”
“I dunno.” Bryn stroked her hands up Anna’s sides to palm her breasts. A mischievous smile quirked her lips as she teased Anna’s nipples through the material of her dress, and she laughed at the way Anna whimpered in response. “It could be worth it.”
“Jesus fuck,” Anna groaned, her eyes fluttering shut. “You’re mean.”
Bryn chuckled throatily and nodded. “Don’t start fights you aren’t prepared to finish, Ms. Fitzpatrick.”
“Oh, I’ll finish it,” Anna promised, shaking her head. “Just, you know, later.” She blew out a frustrated breath and looked around her bedroom. “Have you seen my black heels?”
“I believe they’
re in my closet.” Bryn said. “With the slacks and blouse you wore to work yesterday, and the rest of your clothes that seem to have begun migrating there.”
“Yeah, well—” Anna shrugged, “—since we’re there most of the time…”
Bryn chewed her lip nervously for a moment as she worked up the courage to make the suggestion she had been contemplating for the last few weeks. “Perhaps,” she began as she dropped her hands to Anna’s waist once more, “you should just bring the rest of your things out as well, and then you wouldn’t have this problem…”
Surprise flashed across Anna’s face, and was quickly replaced with an adorably shy smile as she asked, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Bryn nodded. “Move in with me?”
“Well…”
Anna’s brow furrowed like she was seriously weighing her response, and Bryn could have sworn her heart stopped beating altogether until Anna laughed and pulled her into a swaying embrace.
“I would love to,” Anna murmured against Bryn’s ear.
Bryn sighed happily and buried her face in the crook of Anna’s neck. She squeezed her eyes shut as she held Anna tight. “Good.”
Epilogue
Harvest Festival, early September…
“You can set up over there,” Bryn said, pointing the DJ toward the side of the patio outside the winery where a crew was busy laying down the pieces of a dance floor.
She smiled as she looked Anna, who was sitting beside the fire pit that had been installed earlier that summer, a glass of wine in hand as she chatted with the woman from Wine Enthusiast who had been sent to cover the event. Spectrum’s Pinot Noir had made big waves after its limited release in early February, catapulting the small winery from a better-known secret in the Pacific Northwest to international attention by earning high marks in the New York, Melbourne, and Bordeaux competitions. It was a coup for the vineyard, and this year’s Harvest Festival was going to be the biggest one she had ever hosted.
