by H G Lynch
I’m such an idiot! All this time, I’ve believed him, believed him every time he said he loved me. What if that was all bull? What if, even after everything we’ve been through, he’s still the same sleazy son of a bitch he was when we met? Or maybe Lia was just too tempting an offer to pass up. Maybe he’s gotten tired of having a girlfriend with some self-respect. Maybe he wants a girl with tits and hips. Well sorry I’m not a lingerie model, Reid, but at least I have a brain. Or maybe I don’t since I friggin’ believed you, you stupid tosser!
Ember’s mind went round and around, cursing Reid and mocking her and making her chest ache worse and worse. Her vision was so blurry by the time she reached Sasha’s field that she almost ran right into the wire fence. She struggled through the gap between the wires and landed on the ground on the other side of the fence awkwardly, smearing mud up the sleeve of her hoodie. Still, she pushed herself to her feet, not bothering to brush the grass and dirt off her jeans, and made her way across the field, tripping over clumps of mud the horses’ hooves had dug up and looking frantically for the familiar, pretty little pony she’d come to love.
By the time she found Sasha, grazing from a mashed hay bale at the far end of the field, Ember had dirt caked up to her ankles and her hands were dark with mud from tripping and catching herself on her hands several times. The other horses mingled in the grass, some avoiding her, some trotting over in the hopes that she brought apples or Nutri-grain bars. Sasha’s ears swiveled as Ember stumbled over and she lifted her head from the hay. With her throat tight and her stomach writhing, Ember threw her arms around the pony’s neck and buried her face in soft, dark coat. Sasha gave a snort and nudged Ember’s side with her muzzle, nipping at the pocket of her hoodie for treats. Warm tears slipped down Ember’s face into Sasha’s silky coat and she squeezed the pony’s neck tighter.
“I’m sorry, sweetie, I don’t have treats. I just…need a hug and a place to hide…for a while.” She sniffled, and Sasha gently pulled away to return to chewing on the hay, realizing there were no carrot sticks in Ember’s pocket. Finally safe from prying eyes and ears, Ember sat down in the damp grass, tucked her knees up to her chin, and cried. She cried so much her shoulders shook and every breath was a wet, sobbing gasp adding fuel to the icy fire burning in her chest.
Eventually, it gave her a headache and she felt so sick she was sure she would throw up, but she kept crying. She couldn’t stop. The sky got darker and darker, the temperature dropped, and the wind picked up, whipping her loose hair around her face and into her stinging, wet eyes. The trees shook their branches and a robin chirped from the wire fence nearby before flying off into the darkened sky. Wind whistled through the branches, horses whinnied and snorted from around the field, and Ember cried herself out.
After an indeterminable amount of time — what felt like an eternity — her sobs turned to damp little choking noises and she curled up in the sweet-smelling hay next to Sasha. She wasn’t sure how long she slept, but she awoke to someone prodding her shoulder gently. Confused, unsure where she was, she sat up and rubbed at her itchy, sore eyes. It was cold and dark and for a heartbeat all she could see were two large glittering orbs staring down at her. With a gasp, she threw herself backward, then her eyes adjusted and she saw Sasha standing over her, her head lowered to nudge the stupid human girl sleeping in the hay.
It took Ember a moment to figure out why she was lying in the horses’ field, and then it hit her like a punch in the gut and she bit her lip, blinking quickly to keep back the tears. But it was a useless effort. She was cold and dirty and damp and she was almost certain that someone had hammered iron nails into her heart while she slept. It was still light enough out, thanks to the moonlight revealed by the shifting clouds, that she could see most of the field before her and many of the horses lazily plodding about, snuffling at each other and munching grass. The air smelled of dry hay and wet pine trees and that peculiar scent that only seems to exist at nighttime.
Ember got to her feet and brushed hay off her hoodie, picked strands of it from her hair, and decided it was time she went back to the dorms. Only, she’d taken just four steps when she discovered that she couldn’t go back to the dorms. It was like her heart twisted more with each step and her muscles responded by freezing her in place, allowing her no further, no closer to the place where Reid most likely was – if he wasn’t out in the woods screwing Lia in the dirt. Stupid, stupid girl. You should have known better than to trust him. You should have known better than to fall for a guy like him. Now you pay the price for your naivety, her mind taunted in a sad little voice, and she pressed her quivering lips together. Shivering, tired and feeling a lot like ground meat, Ember turned and went to curl up in the hay again. If Sherry worried where she was, so be it. She was sleeping with the horses tonight because she was pretty certain that the moment she saw Reid, she’d crumble into a hopeless mess of tears and snapping heartstrings.
Sitting on the ground, Ember watched the foggy clouds sifting around the stars, lit eerily by the moon hanging against the endless black sky like a creamy white button. She pulled the cuffs of her hoodie over her hands and tucked her nose into the collar, turning off her mind to absorb the peaceful nighttime air. It was easier not to think about anything and maybe if she didn’t think about the fact that Reid had betrayed her trust, the problem would somehow fix itself.
She must have drifted off again because the next thing she knew, she was being shifted and shuffled, and there was a familiar scent overpowering the hay and frosty grass smells. Blinking her eyes open, Ember tried to work out what was going on. The first thing she saw was an expanse of black dotted with silver and splashed with grey. The sky, stars, clouds. The second thing she saw was a flash of gold and white, and she snapped to life in an instant. She practically threw herself out of Reid’s arms, tumbling awkwardly to the ground and smacking her knee on the frozen ground. She barely noticed the sting of instant pins-and-needles shooting up her leg. She was too busy gaping up at Reid from the dirt, her hair straggling over her left eye and her heart doing a painful tango behind her ribs. Startled, Reid stared down at her, dropping his hands to his sides. The moonlight cast wavering shadows over his face, making it hard for her to read his expression but there was definite hurt in the tight corners of his mouth.
Sitting haphazardly on the ground, Ember blurted the first thing that came to mind. “What the hell do you think you’re doing!” Her voice came out high and breathless, and she wasn’t sure if it was due to pain or anger. There was a violent, acidic bubbling going on inside her, burning words spilling onto her tongue, waiting for her to lash out and incinerate her stupid, lying, cheating boyfriend.
Reid tried a weak smile, but it didn’t touch his eyes or ease the crease between his upward-pitched brows. It only served to make him look sadder and guiltier. He knew what he’d done and he knew she knew. He didn’t even try to explain or deny it, but did what he always did in tough situations; made a joke. “I should be asking you that. I’m pretty sure sleeping in the hay is normally attributed to being a field mouse. Last I checked, you were no mouse.”
It was a pathetic attempt to tweak her ego, and she wasn’t impressed. She tried to glower at him but looking at him was just making her heart spasm erratically, so she looked away, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. Her hair fell forward so he couldn’t see her face.
“Yeah, well,” she said softly, “I feel like a mouse right now.” The misery in her voice was palpable. A sharp blast of wind blew her hair off her face for just long for Reid to get a glimpse at her expression. She was honestly surprised when he dropped to the ground next to her and tried to put an arm around her. Why should he care that she was upset? He had Liandra now, he could go and be her Romeo and Ember would forever be like Rosaline, forgotten in a heartbeat as soon as someone prettier came along. Only, Romeo hadn’t cheated on Rosaline to be with Juliet.
She shrugged away from Reid’s arm, her palm tingling with a f
amiliar rising heat. Reid needed to be very, very careful right now, or else he’d end up with a few charred body parts, and she knew which part would be first to burn. He must have felt the slight drop in the air temperature, or just sensed it was a bad idea to try and touch her at the moment, because he shifted away a little but stayed kneeling in the grass in front of her, the knees of his jeans darkening from the raindrops clinging to the withered blades of grass. Ember refused to look at him, sure that if she did she’d either burst into tears and fall apart, or be overwhelmed by white-hot rage and tear him apart. Instead, she sat and shook, silent tears running down her face and rolling nausea swimming in her stomach. She was both hot and cold inside, and a warm shower sounded like heaven, if she could only get to her feet and walk.
“Ember, please, listen to me. I don’t know what Hiro told you, but it wasn’t—” Reid began in a low, soft voice, every word tipped with the sharpness of pain as if it hurt him to talk about this.
Good. It ought to hurt him. He was bloody lucky she was too broken and betrayed to be properly angry. She was certain he’d be in a lot of trouble with Ricky and Sherry would rip his nuts off instantly when they found out.
“It wasn’t what it looked like? Uh-huh. Right. Then what the hell was it, Reid? How is you making out with Lia not what it looked like? I’m pretty sure there’s no way that Hiro could’ve mistaken your tongue in Liandra’s mouth for anything else. Unless you were lying on the ground, in which case, oh, maybe you were giving her CPR,” Ember snapped, her voice quick and harsh as a whip, and hopefully it stung him as much. God, her chest hurt. It felt like someone was sticking an icicle between her ribs, just scratching at her heart every time it beat. She could hear the horses at the other end of the field, snorting and chuffing in their shelter, the scent of hay and rain caught on the wind. Then the wind changed direction and that tantalizing smell of spiced-apple and hot chocolate filled her nose. She tucked her face into her hoodie and breathed through her mouth.
Reid tried again to defend himself, not realizing he was only digging himself a deeper hole – digging himself his own grave at this rate. “Look, I wasn’t making out with her! It was one little kiss and I-I didn’t mean to! She kissed me and I…I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t thinking. I just reacted. I swear to God, Ember, I would never do that to you on purpose, it was just a misunderstanding. An accident. It’ll never happen again, I promise you.”
What. A. Load. Of. Bull. An accident? How could it possibly be an accident? An accident was bumping into someone in the hallway or tripping over loose laces or almost crashing a motorbike into a tree. Betraying someone who thought you loved them…that was never an accident.
With her eyes closed and her nose buried in the collar of her hoodie, her sense of sound kicked up a notch and she could hear Reid’s heart thudding in his chest, rapid and ragged, as if he was about to have a panic attack. His breathing was quick and light, like a scared little boy’s. Ember’s sixth sense, her telepathy, started buzzing, picking up waves of anxiety and hurt from Reid’s mind. She shut it down, not wanting to feel what he felt. As long as she knew he was suffering, she could glean a tiny bit of satisfaction from it and that satisfaction might just be enough to keep her together until she could get to a bath and drown her pain in a mango-scented bubble bath and enough caffeine to poison a cow.
“Reid, get out of my face,” she ground out, gritting her teeth to keep her voice from trembling like her lips. The caw of a crow somewhere in the trees ringing the field made Ember flinch and a chilled shiver went up her spine. Her lungs and throat were tight, her eyes hopelessly sore, and there were so many unstoppable tears that she felt like she was drowning every time she inhaled. The sizzling under the skin of her hands warned of her growing anger, heat bubbling inside her despite her attempts to push it down, release the grip her magic had, but it was pointless. Her magic was bound to her temper, her emotions, and once she got worked up like this, it was near impossible to break the bond that tied the two parts of her together.
For a moment, Reid was silent, and she waited for him to go away, but, as ever, he didn’t listen to her. He settled beside her on the ground and she could feel him watching her. Clinging desperately to the last shreds of dignity that were keeping her from breaking down all over again and begging him to tell her it was a lie, that Hiro had been playing some sort of sick joke on her, Ember took a deep, steadying breath and raised her head just enough to look at the blonde boy through tangled locks of hay-encrusted hair. She felt disgusting and fragile and pretty thoroughly soaked from the wet grass and the tears, and still something inside her gave a twinge as Reid’s expression crumpled as he looked at her tear-stained face. His blue eyes swam and even in the darkness he looked so maddeningly angelic that she wasn’t sure whether to throw herself into his arms and forgive him, or rip his face off.
He tentatively reached out one hand to push back a soggy lock of hair from her face, his fingertips just brushing her wet cheek. It was like his touch electrocuted her because she jerked back and sparked a flame off her fingers without even thinking about it. “Don’t touch me!” she hissed, her angry fangs contrasting with her streaming eyes. She didn’t want him touching her with those hands, hands he’d probably had all over Liandra. Didn’t want him to touch her because she knew that he could make everything seem okay with just a brush of his fingers and a touch of his lips. She didn’t want this to be okay in any way. It wasn’t okay, not on any planet, world, or reality. “Just leave me alone, Reid,” she choked, “I don’t want to see you right now. Hell, I don’t want to see you again for at least two weeks ‘cause I swear to god, I might set you on fire and watch you burn. Why don’t you bugger off and go screw Lia, since she’s clearly more your type. I don’t care what your goddamned reasons are; I don’t want to hear excuses. I can’t even look at you right now. Just go to hell.” She had to swallow a sob and blink back stinging tears.
“Ember, please! I love you, you know that! You have to believe that! I love you, only you, and the kiss with Lia was a mistake! I didn’t mean for it to happen. I don’t like Lia that way. She’s a friend, she came onto me, and now I’m going to stay away from her. I’ll do anything, Emz, just don’t…don’t do this to me. I love you, firefly,” Reid pleaded desperately, his voice cracking.
She still refused to look at him, but she was almost certain his eyes would be wet if she cast a glance at him.
Hearing that damned nickname set something volatile off inside her, something that flashed hot and burned out in an instant but was enough to make cruel, stinging words lash from her tongue. “Don’t you friggin’ call me that! I don’t want to hear it! I’m not your bloody firefly, Reid, not now. I can’t believe you would do this to me! I trusted you, I believed you’d changed from when we met, and you betrayed me! Reid, do you have any idea how that feels? I’d guess not because you’ve always been the heartbreaker, never the heart broken.” Ember gave a little hiccup, clamped her hand over her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to breathe steadily through her nose to regain composure before she started sobbing again.
Reid bowed his head, dropping his hand to the grass, his hair falling over his face but she knew he was trying to hide the hurt in his expression. She tried to find the sadistic victory in having him hurting too, but it just made her feel worse. It was stupid because she shouldn’t have felt guilty, he was the one who’d wronged her, but she was pretty sure she’d have cried if a limping cat had wandered past just then. Anything would have brought more tears to her eyes and seeing the boy she loved upset managed to break down whatever composure she was still holding a tenuous grasp on and she put her hands over her face as her shoulders shook with more sobbing, not able to keep silent anymore.
She felt Reid move closer, hesitating between risking his arm by touching her or not, but in the end he seemed to decide it was worth the risk. His arms went around her and gently held her against him, one hand picking out bits of hay from her hair as he whispered in her
ear. “Oh, Emz, don’t cry, please. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. It was a stupid mistake, but I love you. I love you. Please believe that. My little firefly, my beautiful little firefly, don’t cry because of me. I’m not worth the tears and I’m not sure I can take the guilt. Please, Ember, I’d rather you hit me or kicked me or burned me, but just don’t cry. God, I’m so sorry. I’m such a moron, I’m a stupid tosser, but I love you.”
He was so frustratingly good at that, at making her forget she was angry with him, making her need him even when it was because of him she was upset. Part of her still wanted to kick his ass to Tuesday, but she couldn’t stop crying for long enough to grasp onto her anger. Another part of her just wanting him to tell her once more that she was his bright star, the only girl he saw, and kiss her softly until she couldn’t remember her own name.
They sat in the damp grass, surrounded by the night and the lounging horses and the sweet smells of the field, and Reid let her cry herself out, then simply held her in silence until she found the energy to demand to go back to the dorms. She wanted a hot bath more than anything in the world.
*****
It took a while, but eventually the steam smoked all her thoughts away and Ember sat soaking in the bath until the water turned from hot to very warm to mildly warm. She stared blankly at a random tile on the wall, watching the condensation roll down it. The mirror was fogged up, steam hung in the air like thick, cloying mist, and her fingers had turned wrinkly about a half hour ago now. There was cold, hollow spot in her chest, but other than that, she was satisfyingly numb – she’d already cried herself out twice, so she was done with that, but she wasn’t quite ready to be properly angry just yet, so the numbness was filling the space for the time being.
To start with, she’d scrubbed her skin until all the dirt came out of her knees and palms and she’d washed her hair twice to get out all the hay and the mud ground into the ends. Then she’d emptied the bath and refilled it with fresh water and bubble bath that smelled like toffee apples. The bubbles shimmered under the cozy light of the bathroom, swirling with colors if she looked really closely at the biggest bubbles. They crawled up her arms and chest, and hid the rest of her under a fluffy, fragile blanket. Well, they had been a blanket a while ago, but as she looked down now she realized most of the bubbles had dissolved and her pale pink toes peeked at her from the far end of the bathtub.
