by T. S. Ryder
"Not until late. Remember: today is your day off, so try to get some rest."
Jamie nodded, not opening her eyes. She didn't hear him leave, but the next thing she knew she opened her eyes and the clock said it was almost noon – and she needed to pee badly. She jumped out of bed and rushed to the bathroom only for her stomach to decide it needed to empty itself right then. Vomit spewed out all over her, and the motion put extra pressure on her bladder, causing it to leak through the sleep shorts she was wearing.
"Ew!" Jamie shuddered. Her Panther mewled and she felt the urge to Shift and go running into the river to wash.
Sighing with disgust, she peeled off her clothing and stepped into the shower, hoping her stomach would stay settled. It had been acting upset for several days now, which was bizarre. Usually, Shifters only got sick if they ate something wrong, but she hadn't been eating anything out of the ordinary. Yet she was throwing up every morning and several times during the day. Not to mention that her bladder suddenly seemed very tiny.
It must be the stress, she reasoned.
The shower helped her feel a little better, although when she tried to brush her teeth she vomited again. With Ryan always in meetings and on raids trying to corral Jordon, she was under a great deal of stress. Not to mention that Leila was back in town again, demanding to know why she was 'encouraging mediocrity' in Katrina. Despite her previous plans, Jamie hadn't confronted her about the trust fund yet, although she kept telling herself she would. Instead, she kept chickening out and telling Ryan they'd deal with it after he caught Jordon.
That accounted for the vomiting, at least.
As she dressed for the day, she frowned at her reflection in the mirror. Her pants were cutting into her stomach, giving her a muffin top. She shouldn’t be gaining weight . . . She turned to the side and noticed a distinctive bulge to her stomach.
She knew instantly what it meant.
Her lungs seized and her hands trembled. Both hands pressed to her stomach, probing gently. The bulge was firm, not soft and squishy like fat. Her heart pounded. No. It couldn't be. She and Ryan had been very careful when they made love, always making sure . . . except on their wedding night. But she had just gone through her period, she shouldn't have been able to . . .
She threw the rest of her clothes on and told Katrina that she was going out. There had to be another explanation. She couldn't be . . .
***
Pregnant.
The four pregnancy tests she had bought sat on the sink of the drugstore bathroom. It was a white, clean room, cool and a little damp. Every test stared at her with a little pink plus sign, sending her mind reeling. She had heard that women could get pregnant at almost any time of the month, but in the back of her mind, she thought it was an overstated risk. That they had to be ovulating in order to get pregnant. But she had gotten pregnant from just that one time . . . unless the condoms they'd been using ever since hadn't done their job. What was it – a one percent failure rate? It seemed like such a small number.
Moving slowly, she swept the pregnancy tests into the garbage. Her skin looked pale under the fluorescent lights and she sat in the corner, trying to wrap her mind around it all. Shifter pregnancies only lasted four months in most cases, although there were some that went as long as six. If she had gotten pregnant on her wedding night, then she would be two months on. Halfway there. The smallness of her baby bump meant very little at this point. The baby wouldn't start to really grow until the ninth week and then would double in size every couple days until week sixteen.
That was the part that had been hardest on Emily. Many Shifter women, due to their advanced healing, were able to keep up with the demands of pregnancy, but not Jamie's sister. She had been put on bedrest for her final two months, but even that wasn't enough. The final growth spurt in the last month had broken her back, and then the baby got stuck as she tried to give birth two weeks overdue.
What if her baby took after Ryan? What if the baby was huge? Her body was so small – it would have a difficult time being born. Emily was always frail. Jamie was much stronger, but what if she ended up the same way?
Should she tell Ryan? It would probably be just fine. But what if it wasn't? She had to tell him about the pregnancy. He was the father and needed to know. But did he need to know how terrified she was?
Squeezing her eyes shut tight, she dug her fingers into her stomach. She almost expected to feel a bit of movement in response, but it was too early for that. Early enough to end the pregnancy . . . but no. That was out of the question. She was healthy and strong. Everything would be fine. All she had to do was find a doctor to reassure her that everything was going to be fine. She could let herself get excited about this. A baby. She had always wanted to be a mom, and now she had that chance.
How can I do this on my own?
Her resolve weakened. It didn't matter if her mother was a grade-A witch. Right now, Jamie just wanted her mother. Maybe she'd show a softer side than she'd ever displayed before. Tears flowed down Jamie's face as she called Leila.
"Jamie, dear," Leila answered, sounding actually happy to hear from her. But she didn't even let Jamie speak. "Terrible, terrible news. I've just been notified that the trust fund your daddy left you was completely drained. Don't worry. I'm going to find where that money went and I'll make sure the insurance company reimburses us for it. How dare the bank be so lazy—"
"Mother. This isn't about the trust fund."
There was a brief pause on the other end. "Are you crying?" Her voice was flat.
Jamie sucked in a deep breath and forced herself to speak evenly. "No, Mother. I'm not crying."
"Well, what is it then?"
This had been a mistake. Jamie already knew it, but she pressed forward, forcing herself to continue on. Maybe, just maybe, this time she was wrong about her mother being heartless. "I'm pregnant."
"Oh." Leila's voice took on a slightly higher pitch. "And you're upset because the father isn't your husband?"
"No, that's not it at all—"
"You let that big brute get you pregnant?" Leila sounded shocked. "Jamie, how could you be so stupid? You have to get rid of it at once. You're far too small to bear his children."
How could that be her first reaction? "Mother, no—"
"I hope you haven't told him yet. Men always make these things about them when it's our lives on the line. Do you want to die like your sister did?"
So much for the reassurance. Jamie hung up. She knew Leila wouldn't call her back. More frustrated tears rolled down her face and she clenched her fists. She wasn't going to die. Small women gave birth to big babies all the time. Emily should have survived. She would have survived if she had been at the hospital. Instead, she had been at home when she went into labor. By the time she had gotten to the hospital, she was already gone.
"That won't happen with us," she promised her unborn child, pressing a hand to her stomach. "We will take all the necessary precautions and you are going to be born strong and healthy."
She would have to tell Ryan soon, though. Or should she? This was going to make it even harder for him to do his job, to have another thing to worry about. Maybe she should wait, get to a doctor and find out just how far along she was before she started to worry him. Or would he be excited?
The image of Ryan holding a baby on his knee came to her mind. Chubby cheeks, a toothless smile. He was going to be a good father. A terrific father. Far better than she was going to be as a mother, she thought. But that was going to be okay because he'd help her know what to do.
He was the best man she had ever known.
Jamie held back a sob, but couldn't stop it for long. He was the best man. So big and intimidating but gentle with her. Generous. Kind, caring. She hadn't thought anybody could be as compassionate as he was. And he was hers. The tears kept coming as warmth filled her chest. He was hers.
Chapter Twelve – Ryan
The alpha glared at him, nostrils flared with anger, hands flat on he
r desk as she loomed over him. "Why haven't you made any headway against Jordon?"
Ryan breathed out through his nose, counting to ten so he could answer the alpha's question calmly. It was late at night and they were all tired and stressed. Melissa stared at him, waiting, her expression hard. She dared him to try to deflect. The simple truth of the matter was that they had made headway against Jordon's organization but were no closer to finding the Gorilla himself. Jordon was a slippery customer and always seemed to be two steps ahead of them.
The worst part was that Ryan still had no idea who the informer in the Guard could be. They were his family, and being unable to trust them made him want to kill something. Preferably the traitor, but how could he do that when he didn't even have suspects?
"We have information that suggests he might be staying in the city," Ryan said, keeping his voice even. "I know that this hasn't been ideal. We're all frustrated by the lack of progress. But I can't go around invading people's homes without more evidence. Once his location is confirmed—"
Melissa held up her hand, cutting him off. "I understand. I apologize for my outburst."
Ryan nodded in acceptance.
"This situation has us all stressed," Melissa continued. "I know that you aren't spending as much time with your wife as you'd like. You picked a hell of a time for a honeymoon."
Ryan shrugged. "The honeymoon will be next year. Provided Jordon is dead by then."
"Dead? No." Melissa shook her head firmly. "If we kill him it'll just turn him into a martyr. His organization isn't popular, but there is nothing like killing people for what they believe in to turn people against the current administration. I know that his 'ideas' are harmful and will hurt millions, but he has to be brought in alive. I want him to stand trial and be prosecuted according to the law."
Ryan understood her point, but it still rankled him to have his hands tied in such way. Jordon would have no problem killing either of them or any of the Guard. It didn't sit right with him to send his people into a situation where they wouldn't be allowed to use lethal force against an enemy that was trying to kill them.
On the other hand, he knew what would happen if he killed Jordon. So far, they hadn't been able to firmly connect him with the attack on the alpha. Although he had taken responsibility for quite a few attacks that left people injured and had made many bomb threats, he hadn't killed anyone – to their knowledge. At least not yet.
"We will try to bring him in alive," he said slowly. "But if it looks like he's going to escape, I will take him down by any means necessary. I'm not going to have the public at risk."
"I would expect nothing less," Melissa said. "Now. It's late. You're going to have an early morning tomorrow. Go home to your wife."
Ryan nodded, though he had to repress a sigh. There was nothing more he wanted to do than go home to Jamie. But leaving her in the mornings was becoming more and more difficult. Her scent drove him to distraction, and all he wanted was to hold her in his arms and shield her from everything.
Including her mother.
With everything happening with Jordon, he hadn't had the time to start an investigation into Leila, but she had returned. That meant that she was cocky. She didn't think she would be caught. Just give it time. He encouraged Jamie and Katrina to bring charges against her, but they were oddly reluctant. But then that's what abusers did, manipulating their victims into feeling a sense of loyalty towards them despite what had been done to them.
After bidding the alpha good night, Ryan headed home. Jamie would probably be asleep, and he considered sleeping on the couch downstairs to avoid disturbing her even though she hadn't woken up the last few times he went to bed so late. It was just as well since he didn't think he'd be able to sleep soundly without his arms around her.
The lights were on when he arrived home, though. Ryan's Lion growled as he entered the house to find the smell of stress heavy in the air. He loosened the jacket of his uniform as he followed Jamie's scent to the kitchen where she was scrubbing at a stain on the floor. It was uncommon to see her cleaning – she'd never had to do so as she grew up, and it wasn't something she often thought about. Ryan crouched beside her.
"Is everything okay?" he asked.
She looked up. Her eyes were the bright amber-yellow of her Panther. For her to be this close to Shifting, she must be very stressed. She chewed her lower lip and shook her head. "No. It's not okay. We need to talk."
Had she heard about Jordon possibly being in the city? Ryan's shoulders tensed, though he tried not to show his worry. He took the bleach from her and led her into the living room. Both his hands clasped over hers and he nodded.
Jamie twisted her hands. Everything about the way she was holding herself spoke to dread and fear. He hadn't told her about Jordon. Only his Elite team and the alpha knew about it. This was top secret information and nobody should know it. She must have found out somehow. What else could have made her so scared?
"It's okay. We don't have anything to worry about," he said, wracking his brain over how she could have found out, who could have told her. "How did you find out though? Did you tell Katrina?"
"Katrina doesn't know." Jamie swallowed hard. "I thought that you and I ought to talk about it ourselves before I told her."
"You can't tell her." Ryan's voice was sharp. "Nobody can know. I'm surprised that you found out. Who told you?"
Jamie looked up sharply. Her eyes were wide as she stared at him. "What are you talking about? Of course I'm going to tell Katrina. It's going to affect her too."
Ryan opened his mouth to refute her, then stopped. His mind was full of Jordon and taking care of the threat he posed, but really. How would Jamie find out about that? He shook his head, reminding himself to stop jumping to conclusions.
"This isn't about Jordon, is it?" he asked softly.
Jamie looked alarmed. "What about Jordon?"
"I shouldn’t tell you."
"But I—" She cut herself off. To his surprise, her eyes filled with tears and she stood. Her hands curled into fists at her side and she shook her head, visibly trembling. "You're going after him again, aren't you?"
"If by going after him you mean doing my duty to protect the citizens of the pack? Then yes."
She laughed bitterly. "And I'm left with one more thing to worry about."
"It's my job, Jamie. I have to stop him before he hurts more people than he's already done – before he kills somebody or succeeds in taking out the alpha. You know what that would do to society."
Jamie's laugh turned frantic, her eyes rolling. He'd never seen her panic like this before. "But why does it have to be you? There are other members of the Guard. Why not Sean? He's your second. He's just as strong and smart, isn't he? It's just so dangerous. Why can't you just quit the Guard and get a less dangerous job?"
Ryan didn't answer. Where was this coming from?
"No," his wife continued, almost to herself. "No, that's not you. You wouldn’t be happy in another sort of job, would you? Your protective instincts are too strong. It has to be you because . . . if not you, who else?"
"Hey." Ryan put his arms around her. "Something's wrong. What is it? What are you scared of?"
Jamie's fingers curled into his shirt. "Right now? Losing you. I don't know how it happened. I certainly didn't mean for it. But I think I've fallen in love with you, Ryan. I can't imagine what my life will be like if I lost you."
His heart swelled even though tears remained on her face. He brushed her hair from her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I love you, too."
Chapter Thirteen – Jamie
"You love me?" Jamie breathed, her eyes filling with tears. "You really truly . . . ?"
"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it." Ryan moved a little closer, his arms wrapping around her. "I'm glad that you're feeling the same way, Jamie. I'd annul our marriage if that was what you wanted, but I think it might just kill me. I never expected love out of this."
Jamie laughed. "Me nei
ther . . . " As her husband's lips brushed hers, she couldn’t stop a moan. The turbulent emotions demanded action, and she wanted to hold him so badly it hurt. She could hardly breathe. "Katrina's at a friend's house. Do you need to work early tomorrow?"
Ryan's eyes darkened with desire and he let out a throaty moan. "Yeah. But to hell with that. It's been too long since I made love to you . . . and we just said the L word for the first time. We deserve a little celebration, don't you think?"
A smile crossed her face as her heart lit up. The familiar rush of heat pooled between her legs and she nodded. She should tell him that she was pregnant first . . . He'd see her condition the moment she undressed. Although the bulge in her stomach wasn't that pronounced yet. Maybe he'd miss it in his excitement.
With a deep kiss to her mouth, Ryan picked her up. He carried her bridal-style up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, and soon had deposited her in their bed. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he laid over her, kissing her mouth, jaw, and neck rapidly. There was a fierceness to his kisses that took her breath away while her chest filled with a fuzzy warmth. The worry and fear that had been plaguing her the whole day dissipated. She began to tug at his shirt and pants at the same time, wanting to feel close to him.
Telling him could wait until after. She wanted this. Needed this. His strength would give her the courage to voice all her fears.
"We don’t have as much time as I'd like," Ryan murmured into her mouth. "I do need to get some sleep tonight."
"I know."
Her hands moved quickly, undoing the buttons and belt that stood in their way. Ryan removed her shorts but left her shirt on, dropping his head to kiss her clothed breasts. They had become overly sensitive of late, and now she knew why. His mouth left damp circles on the fabric of her shirt as she took him in her hand, moving rapidly. Desire pooled throughout her body and she didn't care if it was slow and tender, hard and fast, or somewhere in between.
This was making love. Every time their bodies joined it was something deep and special. She didn't need anything but his skin against hers.
