Insurmountable

by T. E. White

  Maturely, I breezed out the door without shouting why no one had told me and instead allowed me to pace the waiting room like a lunatic. Instead, I went to pick up a refill of my friends, the four amigos.

  When Gavin showed up, he shared a toast. “Forget ‘em.”

  Short and sweet. I tossed back the shot while we watched what might have been the final game in the NBA championship, if the Spurs had won the first game.

  “Women suck,” he chimed in. “And not my dick. Well they do, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”

  I poured two more drinks. “Women do suck. Only I like them better when it’s my dick.”

  He laughed and clinked his shot glass with mine. “So very true, brother. We should have stuck to bagging ‘em and not trying to bring them home.”

  As much as I wanted to disagree with him, it was true. Had I not let my heart get involved, I wouldn’t be in shit without a shovel.

  “You should come to my place. The chicks dig me there. All you need is some pussy to straighten you out.”

  I had no answer for him. I drank the next shot and ignored his comment. I wasn’t yet ready to give up on Red, no matter what I said. I would be faithful to her until the end. The end of our marriage at least.

  After Gavin left, I had nothing more to do than to row and research. That’s how I spent the next few weeks. Alone and miserable, I wondered how this could have happened to me. By the time summer was coming to a close with a few more visits from Gavin here and at his place under my belt, I was prepared for the next doctor’s visit.

  I didn’t leave it up to chance. I called the doctor’s and with clever words I was able to find out when her next appointment was. I was already on the road when the text came in to let me know Red’s appointment would begin in an hour.

  When I stepped through the door, Red was alone, and she turned, clutching her just-removed top to her chest, not having a clue that it was me stepping through the door.

  “How are you?” I thought it best to start simple.

  Her voice was like ice on a burn, cool and soothing, yet it stung since it had been so long since I’d heard it.

  “I’m okay. You?”

  “Better now that I’m here.”

  She put her top down, still wearing a bra. As much as her breasts were water for my thirsty eyes, it was the tiny bump around her belly that had me stepping forward. I’d just placed my hand on it when her mother stepped in the room.

  “You shouldn’t be here,” Liz declared.

  My jaw tensed and I decided to say what was on my mind. “With due respect, she’s my wife and this is my baby. If anyone doesn’t belong, it’s you.”

  Her mom’s mouth could have been a fly trap for how wide she held it open. Red moved to remove her stretchy pants that had given me an excellent view of her curves.

  A soft knock came before the doctor entered, and then we were four silent in a room, all wondering who would speak first. The crinkle of paper was the only sound as Red got on the table. I took the position of prominence, deciding I wouldn’t cower in the background this time. I made my first move.

  Her mother didn’t give up and flanked me as the doctor said what I’d expected after my research. I could have probably told him all the same things. I quirked a brow at Liz, daring her to tell me to leave the room when it was over. Red wasn’t far enough along yet to find out if she carried my son or daughter. Liz moved to shield her daughter while Red dressed. I folded my arms across my chest, refusing to give any ground.

  “Please stop it you two,” Reagan demanded.

  Liz, exasperated, turned to face me. “You aren’t helping matters. You should move on with your life and leave well enough alone.”

  “Mom, I said stop. This is between us.” Finally, she had taken a stand.

  “Biscuit.”

  “Is that what he calls you? What kind of name is that?” Red gave her mother a level stare. Liz rolled her eyes but stepped away from us.

  I reached out and placed my hand on her cheek. For a second, she leaned into my touch. Abruptly, she stepped back. “I have to go.” She shuffled out of her room with her mother at her back, glaring at me as if I was the enemy. And damn if they didn’t make me feel like it.

  Feeling impotent, I didn’t call or text Red. I had a Hail Mary pass left and I didn’t want to use it on words that could easily be deleted in a text or voicemail without ever being heard. I did break that rule only to ask where she wanted the boxes that had been shipped to my lake house sent. It was a matter of days before I would be leaving for law school.

  Unlike all the other times, a quick reply with her address was sent to me. I made the arrangements, along with a few others.

  36

  A new start to my life was in the forefront of my thoughts. Before I could totally move forward, I had one last thing I needed to do. As I drove to my final destination, my phone rang.

  Pressing a button on the steering wheel, I answered through the speaker system in my car.

  “Darling.”

  “Mom,” I replied.

  “Honey, are you on your way?”

  “Mom, I’m not five, I’m twenty two. I’ll be fine.”

  “I know you aren’t a baby, but you will always be mine.”

  I sighed.

  “I also wanted to call you to let you know that I have a surprise waiting for you in Cambridge.”

  “Dare I ask?”

  She laughed. “Don’t worry. I think you’ll like it. And you’ll like your place as well.”

  It may have been a mama’s boy move, but with everything going on I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to look for an apartment and furnish it. I could trust that Mom would find a place worthy of her visits.

  “Thanks.”

  “No need for thanks. I’m just glad you’re still allowing me to help you do things in your life.”

  There was a long silence. I was just about to tell her I was about to go when she said, “I heard from Caroline’s— I mean Reagan’s mother.”

  “Yeah?” I said, feigning interest. I didn’t talk about Red to my parents. Hell, I barely talked to my parents at all, especially Dad, which wasn’t new.

  “Honey, they called for us to send over the annulment papers.”

  The car jerked to the left when my hand lost strength. A crack formed in the stone wall I had created around my heart. Maybe it was true, all hope was lost. I had a moment to consider turning around.

  “I’m sorry.”

  And I believed her.

  “I have go.”

  “Tade.”

  “I’m driving. I really shouldn’t be on the phone.”

  “Call me and let me know when you make it in.”

  Not wanting to argue with her, I said, “Sure.”

  The house surprised me some when I began the long trek down the curved driveway. It had the grandeur of my parents’ estate, without the gated entrance. I parked and picked up the dozen water lilies that lay in the passenger seat.

  I rang the doorbell, not having any clue what to expect, yet I didn’t anticipate the almost rude greeting from the housekeeper, or having the door shut in my face after I was told to wait. When the door opened again, I stared into the cold eyes of Liz.

  “She doesn’t want to see you.”

  My postured stiffened, feeling the sting of dismissal. “I would prefer to hear that from her.”

  “Tade, I understand that this is hard on you both.”

  “Honestly, I don’t think you could possibly understand how the actions by you and my father have completely fucked up our lives.”

  My mother would have grimaced at the language I’d used even if it was the woman that betrayed her by sleeping with her husband. I’d been taught better than that. Still, the time to mince words was long past.

  “I’m sorry that you are having such a hard time moving on from this. But Reagan has.”

  “I want her to tell me that.”

  “Feel free to call her. But I’m no
t letting you in. This is my house, and frankly, this time it’s you that doesn’t belong.”

  I stepped away, digging my phone from pocket. I hit the number and it rang once before Red answered.

  “Tade.”

  “Can you call your mother off? I need to see you.”

  “There isn’t any more to say. You need to move on. I want you to be happy. Know that I free your from your vows.”

  “That’s not what I want. Can’t you just talk to me for minute? I’ve given you space all summer but it’s time for us to hash this out.”

  A rumble in the driveway had me looking up. A dark car with the look of something out of a long-gone era pulled slowly up the drive. I had to cover one ear in order to hear Red.

  “There is nothing more to say.” Her voice broke and I could hear her openly crying on the other end. I could picture her red-rimmed eyes as they had been at the doctor’s office, and every other time I’d been blessed to see her of late. “Everything has already been said. Why can’t you let this go?”

  “Because I love you.”

  “Sometimes love isn’t enough.” Her sobs were more pronounced.

  “Only when you give up.”

  A guy stepped out the heavily-tinted-window muscle car. He glanced my way, pulling off the shades and tucking them in the neckline of his shirt. Our eyes connected and a feeling of dread overcame me.

  “There are some things that are insurmountable,” she sobbed.

  Her mother still stood in the doorway and called out, “Charles.” My head jerked around in time to see her give him entrance, patting him on the back and adding, “She’s waiting for you.”

  He was already in the house when Liz gave me a knowing look.

  “I have to go.” Red’s voice drifted through my ear. I’d forgotten that she had been on the other end of the line.

  I disconnected the phone without another word. I placed the flowers down on the ground as if I was laying them at the foot of someone’s grave. And in a way I was. This was a clear sign that our relationship was over, and the kick in the pants I needed to move forward.

  The engine purred to life and I drove slowly away. No need for a send-off that showed more emotions that would go unrecognized.

  37

  The long drive gave me the time I needed to put things in perspective, and determine to take the next step forward in my life. I had to try and forget the months I’d wasted being in love. It was a crap emotion that took no prisoners, only made you a slave to the enviable.

  School, though, proved to be the distraction I needed. Gavin had gone AWOL, moving on with whatever his plans were. I’d lost everything, but found it easy to make new acquaintances. It wasn’t hard because I’d had the practice, moving to England and then to St. Mary’s.

  Being in my own apartment made it more difficult to meet people, but classes here, unlike in undergrad, required more teamwork on occasion. And then there were the study sessions. Hell, I’d even gone out to a couple of happy hours, and managed a smile or two.

  One of those times, I’d made a concerted effect to give someone I found attractive the time of day. When it came time to seal the deal, I’d failed to ask her out. It felt foolish because I was trying to move on. But I had to give myself time. I didn’t want a rebound girl. In fact I didn’t want a girlfriend at all. It could be that my head was still stuck on the fact that I was still legally married. Whatever it was, I had yet to take that final step to sate my growing need.

  All of that changed late one Friday night.

  “Tade, it’s your mother. I’m not sure you remember you have one since you don’t call me these days.”

  “Mom, say your piece. I have plans tonight.”

  “Oh, plans, anyone I know?” She was a little too enthusiastic for my taste. But she was always butting into my romantic life.

  Besides, I didn’t have plans, well, no firm ones. I had been invited to go to the bar and meet up with some people, but I wasn’t sure if I was up to it. “No,” I finally replied.

  “Well then, on to the unpleasantness. Your father wanted me to tell you he received the signed documents back, and wanted to know if you wanted him to send them to you.” Dad had apparently printed another copy because I’d never returned the one he’d left at the lake house.

  Yet, it was the blow that I’d been waiting for. Being prepared numbed me to the news. I gave a non-committal response before ending the call. She wanted to share feelings, and I wanted a drink. I still had a bottle of Johnnie left over from my summer into the abyss. I pulled it out and sank into the sofa, remembering the familiar position. I flipped on the TV and stopped my finger before changing the channel. A movie was on with a guy pouring his heart out to a girl who was forbidden to him. I began to drink, intoxicated by the familiarity of the story line. I was grateful Gavin wasn’t there to witness my descent into romance hell.

  The door to my apartment opened and I saw the gift my mother promised me, in double.

  “Salut,” my roommate greeted me. “What’s wrong?” Camille came rushing over after dumping her bag at the door as if I was in the middle of having a heart attack.

  She took the bottle from my hand. “What has you so upset?”

  “Nothing that matters anymore.” My head spun and I rubbed a hand down my face, hoping to clear my head.

  “She’s not worth it. She’s stupid if she doesn’t see what she has.” Her French accent was thick, and sounded so appealing. My urge to be inside pussy had grown exponentially.

  “We had some good times?” My words slurred some, but she heard it well enough, and climbed onto my lap. She’d been a good sport and hadn’t pressed the issue since her arrival. Again, with my mother’s semi heads-up, I hadn’t exactly been shocked when she showed up with her bags. She’d attempted to seduce me that first night but I’d explained I was in a relationship with Red and she was pregnant. That had cooled her towards me but we’d maintained an easy living situation.

  She kissed me, grinding her middle against my raging hard on. It had been months since I’d had sex— outside of my own hand. Red had been the last woman I thought I would ever touch. When I didn’t respond to Camille’s kiss, she nibbled on my ear and I filled my hands with her ass. Fuck it, I thought. It was over anyway. I did Camille hard on the sofa, and then in her room. I’d used two condoms before I collapsed into sleep in my own bed.

  That next morning Camille was wrapped around me like a backpack.

  “Hey,” I said waking her up. “Last night was fun and all, but I’m not looking for a relationship, okay?”

  She stared at me hard, pushing her just-fucked-me hair off her shoulder. “Ne t'en fais pas.”

  I had no idea what she’d just said, but when her head dipped lower, I figured whatever it was, she was cool with what I said.

  As time past, things started getting complicated way too fast. More and more, Camille would end up in my bed, either by my invitation when need built up to a thunder I couldn’t ignore, or I would wake up and she’d be there. On top of that, she had a way of prancing around the apartment in the tiniest scraps of clothing. Without a conscience to rein me in, I was tempted ever more to partake in her sweet sin.

  When she started to ask me where I was when I’d gone out with friends, I knew I had to quell her thoughts of couple status, because my verbal reminders that I was a free man weren’t working. She wasn’t acting like the easy going French girl I’d met in my last semester at SMCM. Maybe I hadn’t been clear enough.

  I ran into the girl I hadn’t been able to ask out that one night weeks ago. All that changed. My confidence was back and I brought her home, doing her right on the couch. Camille came in and stormed through the apartment, slamming doors. My date for the night looked reluctant but I continued to pound into her until she screamed my name.

  That next morning I expected to wake alone because I’d sent my one night stand packing shortly after I flushed the condom down the toilet. Instead, my backpack had returned, with words o
f forgiveness for my supposed transgressions.

  What the hell happened to the carefree Camille? I gave her an inch and she was taking a mile.

  My phone rang, killing my chance to tell Camille to fuck off or move out. I thought I’d locked my door that night. So how did she end up in my bed? As hot as she was, I didn’t need a girl who wanted more from me than I was able to give. I’d been honest with her from the start. I liked my clothes and hated to think she might be the type to ruin them out of spite.

  “Hello,” I said sleepily into the phone.

  “Tade.” Worry filled my mother’s voice, bringing me instantly alert.

  “What’s going on? Is it Dad?” I hadn’t spoken directly to my father since our last meeting. I wasn’t sure if I could ever forgive him. So I avoided him. I hadn’t gone home for Thanksgiving and wasn’t planning to go home for Christmas either.

  “It’s happening.”

  Her meaning was vague and it was still too early in the morning to figure her out. “What’s happening? Is Dad okay? Are you okay?” Maybe she wasn’t making sense because she was having a stroke.

  “Caroline… Reagan, honey. She’s having the baby.”

  “What?” I sat up in bed, feeling the cool air hit my back as Camille hadn’t moved fast enough to stay attached. “She isn’t due until next month.”

  “I know, but the baby decided to come now.”

  What the fuck was I going to do? I had plans to come after New Year’s and hole up at the lake house until she went into labor. But I was here and it was snowing outside. Still, I couldn’t miss the birth of my child. I’d already missed all the other doctor’s appointments because of school. I computed the time in my head it would take to drive back to Maryland.

  “A plane is waiting for you. Hurry!”

  She hadn’t needed to tell me much more except the name of the private airport. With Camille in the seat beside me, we drove there. I wasn’t thinking stratight, and Camille gave me the support that I needed to make it to the hospital in one piece for the birth.