by Claire Adams
"I know it's bad."
"It's more than bad, Nat. I know how you get. You're going to want a relationship. This guy just moved to a cabin in the mountains after losing his parents. I don't know him, but I'm going to say he isn't the most stable person right now. Not the kind of person who could show up for you in a relationship."
"You don't know that."
"I don't, but you should. You're up there with him. Can you honestly say that after everything that has happened to him in the past month, he's in any shape to be in a relationship with you? Or anyone for that matter?"
No. He wasn't. He was alone, off balance, unstable. He was mourning his parents and being faced with possibly taking the reins of a billion-dollar national company. What was I thinking? He'd make a lousy partner, but not because he was a bad person. He wasn't that. He was great. He was kind and thoughtful, a little of introverted but funny and smart. And when he touched me, I could be on fire and not know the difference. That night... I wouldn't forget it anytime soon. I knew that, and that just made what Kasey said truer than ever. I couldn't saddle him with my feelings on top of his own. Not when he was like this.
"I don't think it's fair to write him off without giving him a chance."
"I think if you give him a chance, you're going to find out first hand just how emotionally unavailable he is and get hurt."
"He wouldn't do that to me."
"He wouldn't want to, maybe, but think about it, Nat. He just lost his parents. He became a hermit in the mountains to cope for god's sake. I don't know a lot about this stuff, but that doesn't sound like boyfriend material to me." I sighed, letting the argument die. She wasn't the one I needed to be talking to if I wanted answers. He was.
But what if she was right? He had just lost his parents and had effectively cut himself off from civilization. That wasn't the guy who'd be able to have a supportive and reciprocal relationship with me. He couldn't, not until he had healed from what had happened to him. But he wouldn't hurt me; I didn't want to believe that he could, not knowingly.
His voice inside the cabin reminded me that I had had food on the stove. I ended my call with Kasey and went back inside. I am leaving tomorrow; I can forget for that long.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cameron
I could hear her inside. Otherwise, it was silent. Completely still. I couldn't even hear the wind, nothing. Just my own thoughts, too loud with nothing else cutting through them.
Get used to it, I thought darkly. She’s going today, and that's all she's leaving you. I was sitting at the table, looking out over the back of the house. If nothing else, this place was good for thinking if you needed quiet time or whatever. I hadn’t been able to think about anything but Natalie since I had gotten up, and I had a feeling that wasn’t going to change once she got on the road back to Provo.
The door opened, and she came out, holding a steaming mug in each hand.
"Ready?" I asked her.
"Yeah," she said quietly, coming and taking the seat on the other side of the table from me. "All I need to do is get everything in the car when they show up." She handed me my cup of coffee. It was late in the morning. Besides the time that she had spent getting her stuff together so she could leave, we had spent the morning together, talking. Any minute now, the plow would show up, and she wouldn't have a reason to stay anymore.
Unless of course, she wanted to. But even then, why would she? She hadn't asked for this. Sure, there was electricity and hot running water, but I couldn't see her hiding, cut off from the world. She shone; she was magnetic. She would hate the isolation. She wasn't built for it. Hadn’t this been her life as a child? The one she had run away from when she had gotten old enough? She didn’t want this. She had friends back in the city, a life. It was just me who had nothing. It wouldn't have been fair to ask her to stay.
As if I even had a right to say something like that to her. It wasn't like that between us. It wasn't what she wanted, so it wasn't enough reason to stay, even if I did ask. Why hadn’t I asked her though? What was the harm in that? I wouldn’t know what she wanted or didn’t want unless I did.
Stop it, I thought. Fucking stop. You’re not doing that to her. She told you she wasn’t comfortable.
"It's been a whole week, huh?"
"Yeah. About that long," she said. Not enough. It hadn't been long enough. That was hours of work she had missed, days away from her home, from her friends. but fuck, I was selfish. I wanted her here with me.
"You're probably the only person in the history of Porter Holdings that has missed a week of work without being on sick or maternity leave and won't get shit for it."
"When I told Brett about the weather, he probably wasn't expecting me to be gone this long though."
"You aren't going to get in trouble, are you?" I asked, thinking about it. If she went back, and it turned out that Brett had a problem, he could talk to me about it, not her. It was because of me that she had come anyway. I wanted nothing to do with the office anymore, but she wasn't getting in trouble because of me. No way. If I had to, I'd go back to Salt Lake and tell Brett myself.
What the hell is wrong with you, I thought. She's going back to her house; you knew that when she showed up. The trip wasn't supposed to turn into a vacation for her. She hadn't wanted to spend all that time with you; she had had to. I couldn't think about her like this. We had made an agreement about what kind of relationship we had. Still, it had been nice having another person around. A person I actually liked, who was interesting and funny and wasn't trying to tell me what to do with my life. She was a pretty good cook too; I'd miss that. That was it right there. I was going to miss her. She wasn't even gone, and I already missed her.
"I don't think so. Brett knows where I am and he knows why I came. Because it's you, he's probably going to let it slide. He'll be happy to hear you haven't died yet." I laughed a little. I hadn't talked to Brett in a while. This past week while we had been together, I could have probably asked to use her phone, and I didn't think she would have said no. I had nothing to say to the man though, nothing he wanted to hear, so it was better not talking to him at all.
"I'm happy to hear he hasn't either." She was quiet, drinking her coffee. Nothing, huh? She had had a week and nothing. Not a word about the company. After the first few days, I had allowed myself to drop my guard a little just in case she decided to tell me why she had really come. I had almost been positive that she couldn’t have come for any reason other than to talk work. Now, she was going back to Provo after close to a week, and she had said nothing, not a word about me taking over Porter Holding, selling out or anything. I had been wrong and honestly, was glad to admit it.
"Are you looking forward to getting your cabin back?"
"I'm looking forward to getting my bed back," I said. She laughed. We had made a pretty good recovery the past few days after what had happened. I hadn't forgotten, but for her sake, I had acted like I had and then jerked off in the shower when it got too hard to pretend. We had spent more time out of bed than in it, and honestly, a few more nights on the couch wouldn't have killed me if they had meant delaying her trip back.
"You offered it, Cameron. I said that I could have taken the couch."
"Next time, you will," I said. She didn't say anything, sipping her coffee instead. Idiot, I thought. Next time? You think she's coming up here again? This time she had had a reason; why the hell would she do it again?
I floundered for something to say, to change the subject, but I didn't have to. The plow appeared, coming up the road.
"There they are," she said. It had cost significantly more than average to get a snow removal service out this far, but the alternative, waiting for god knew how much longer for the snow to clear by itself, just hadn't made sense for Natalie.
"I'll help you with your stuff," I said, getting up. She got up after me and went into the house as I went to talk to the person driving the plow. They wanted to know whether this was the right address. Unfortuna
tely, it was.
She didn't have that much stuff; it was just bulky because they were winter clothes. The plow had gone up a few yards past the cabin clearing the road and had done the short driveway from the road to the cabin. It was back on the road ready to head back down, and Natalie with it. She slammed her trunk shut and threw her purse into the passenger seat before turning to me.
"It'll be nice to finally have my own space again," I said. She smiled.
"It'll be nice to be able to have pizza delivered again," she countered.
"Will you come back?" I asked. She raised her brows.
"Out here? It would take another snowstorm," she joked.
"I'm serious," I told her. "I want you to. Consider this an invitation."
"Invitation? You don't give those then act shocked when people actually take you up on them."
"I mean it. Whenever you want. I want to see you again." She crossed her arms looking at me.
"That's very kind," she said. "Maybe closer to July, and I might consider."
"You have a lot of weekends between then and now," I said seriously.
"Guess I do," she said. Not a definite yes but not a no either. I wanted to believe that meant she was considering it. That was probably all I could ask of her. It was a hell of a drive made worse by the time of year and shit; it was to come see me. Sure the past week had been good, but I couldn't speak for her. I didn't know whether she wanted to come back, whether she even ever wanted to see me again. I felt like I could call her my friend at this point but that was just me. There was a chance she’d disagree even though she had suggested otherwise.
"So I'll see you?" I asked. She nodded.
"You will."
"Soon?"
"Goodbye, Cameron," she said with a smile on her face. Okay, she didn't want to tell me. I couldn't make her, and I couldn't make her visit if she actually didn't want to. I hated that I didn't know whether I'd see her again, but there was an easy way to fix that. Follow her.
I watched her get into her car and start the engine. She waved as she backed out. I watched her leave, standing outside the cabin ‘til the plow and her car were out of sight. No, I wasn't going to follow her just to see her again. I had made her an offer she could take or turn down. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to leave, and if she wasn't coming... maybe I'd wait and see whether I actually saw her again or not.
Nothing wrong with having a little hope.
I went back inside and shut the door behind me. There it was again. The silence. The fire had heated the cabin, but it felt cold somehow. Emptier since she was gone. She had said that she would come back...maybe. Even if she did, there was no way I'd be able to have her here the way we had been this past week, waking up to her in the kitchen or out on the deck day after day after day. Just having her around as a person who answered questions when I asked them out loud. I’d take a short visit if that was all she’d be able to do. I’d take whatever she could spare.
I walked around the room, slowly over to the fire, around the living room, stopping at the window that looked out onto the porch and the front of the cabin. I had wanted solitude, and this was it. But that was the problem. This was everything I had up here. Myself.
I didn't regret coming out here. Not really. I mean, how was I supposed to know that the minute I did, everything would change? That Natalie Cooke and I would finally speak and that speaking would turn into... into this. Me missing her minutes after she had left for her own place. I knew what we had agreed to do together, and I respected her wishes. Respecting them didn’t mean I didn’t want more, that I didn’t think about having more from her and with her. Like she had said, if things had been different, if I was different and my situation wasn’t like this, maybe there could have been something. Maybe she would have stayed. Maybe I wouldn’t even have come up here in the first place.
Right decision or not, I was here now, and right now, I didn’t have a good enough reason to leave. Not yet.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Natalie
"Look who it is," Kasey said as I walked towards our table. "People said she'd never make it down the mountain."
"Are you done?" I teased, sitting. I had gotten back to Provo the day before, and after calling Kasey to tell her, she hadn't wasted a second asking me to go to dinner with her. I was happy to see her too, but I hadn't been in my place for almost a week. Walking back into my place, it had looked like one of those old pictures you see of houses that were abandoned suddenly. I had to completely trash everything I had in my fridge and had spent most of the night that I got back cleaning and doing laundry.
The whole day today, I had been running errands that had gone undone the week that I hadn't been there to take care of them. She had invited me to a club for drinks after, but I had drawn the line at dinner. I needed a minute now that I was back. I wasn’t ready to jump in with both feet yet. All the cars, people, and polluted air of the city had been a welcome embrace, but it was weird. I felt almost hungover from being out in the mountains with Cameron. My body hadn’t caught up yet.
She asked about my drive back to the city as I sat. That part had been fine; it had been getting home that had been the problem. Not a problem so much as it was just weird being back. I hadn’t been alone for a week. My house not having been lived-in for the past several days hadn’t been immediately welcoming. I had gotten over it. Obviously, it hadn’t lasted, but being far away from Cameron, I had learned quickly had not changed how much I thought about him.
"So, tell me everything," she said as a server came to our table to take our orders.
"Well," I started, "we had fun."
"I know you did, but how much? Details. I want the dirt." I laughed. Usually, she was the one who kept me entertained with her date stories. I was usually the one who had the boyfriend who I did nothing but watch TV at home with. It was interesting being on the other side of the exchange.
"What dirt? I told you everything already."
"Bullshit," she said. "Something else happened. You were up there forever. It's simple math. Put two or more people in an enclosed space together, and they're going to fuck. Chances are doubled when they're both hot singles desperate for some action."
"Do you hear yourself?" I laughed. "You told me that I'd get my heart broken if I tried anything with him."
"No, you said you were catching feelings, and I told you he was emotionally unavailable. That would break your heart. Nobody took hot, casual sex off the table but you."
"Don't be gross."
"Gross? So it wasn't good? That's why you didn't want to fuck him again?"
"I didn't say that. It was," I paused as the server brought our drinks to the table. Just thinking about that night made my cheeks flush and an ache form deep inside me in the places where I wanted to feel him again. I would never tell him, but after that night, every single night since that one we had sex, I had touched myself wishing it was him. "It was good, but that's it. I don't want to do it again because I know I'm just going to fall harder for him."
"How did you... you know what? I get it. I've seen the pictures. I know what he looks like."
"It's not that, Kase," I said, even though the pictures of him online and in print did him no justice at all. He was gorgeous. Out of his work clothes with his jaw covered in scruff, he was even more beautiful than he was in the pictures, but I had talked to him and spent time with him. I'd had sex with him for crying out loud. Looking at the list of things I wanted in a boyfriend, he ticked almost every box. I was hooked. I had fallen for him because he was as close to perfect as any man I’d ever met had gotten before. "I really like this guy. I want him. I want to see him and talk to him and—”
"Marry him and have babies with him," Kasey finished for me.
"Am I an idiot? I know it hasn't been a long time, but it doesn't matter. That can change. I want a chance to see where a relationship with him could go."
"Well, what does that mean, Nat? Realistically? Think about it." I did. It meant t
he two of us taking things to the next level. It would mean a long-distance relationship unless one or both of us made tiring trips back and forth between the mountains and Provo. Unless he or I moved; me to the mountains or him back here. There was almost zero chance that he would and for me... the week at the cabin had been good. It had brought back memories, but it hadn't been nostalgic. I didn't want to live in a cabin in the mountains, desolate, completely cut off. That was what he wanted, and I didn't think he'd be the easiest person to coax back into civilization.
"I know what it means," I said.
"And?" she urged.
"And I don't know. I can’t just decide not to like him anymore and stop."
"But are you going to try anything?"
"I can't."
"That's not what I asked you," she said gently. She knew me too well after all this time. It was true. Just because there wasn't a chance didn't mean I wouldn't get it in my head somehow that it was a good idea to try. It had happened before, and I got reckless when Cameron was around me. I wanted him close, and when I had him close, I wanted him closer. Closer and closer ‘til he consumed me and I couldn't get away again.
"You're right," I said quietly.
"I'm not telling you what to do either way. Only you can make that decision, but I do care about you getting hurt because of this."
"I know. Thanks." Our food came: pasta for Kase and salmon for me. I changed the subject, asking her how work had been that week. It wasn't that her stories were frivolous; they were just far enough removed from my life that they were safe, low stakes entertainment. She had been doing hair for a wedding that day. She had heard all kinds of stories from her clients. For some reason, people thought their stylists doubled as therapists, and when she was working sets, photo shoots, or weddings, people talked as freely as if she wasn't even there.
That day at the wedding she had heard the bride talking to one of her bridesmaids. Apparently, the man she was marrying had been unfaithful in the past, more than once. He had actually been married to someone else when they had met and he had left his wife to be with her…her and several other women on the side who he lied to her about because he hadn’t learned a lesson after his first marriage had ended because of the same behavior. The apology for his latest indiscretion had been a diamond ring. They had signed a prenup that said she would get a nice hefty settlement if he was unfaithful to her during their marriage.
