by Claire Adams
"Messy means a rat’s nest in the morning," I told him, heading for the stairs. "I'll be right back."
"Hurry up," he said. He was smiling but clearly worn out. I'll be fast, I thought. I just needed my hair dry before sleeping on it. I went back to the living area with my hairdryer and plugged it into one of the outlets. Besides, falling asleep next to him was exactly what I wanted to do. Yeah, because tomorrow...
There was no more time to put it off, pretend like every time I had been sent here hadn't been for a reason. I had to tell him, and it had to be tomorrow. No exceptions. He’d finally know the truth, I thought. He deserved it, but that didn't mean I wanted to be the one who delivered it.
I hurried getting my hair dry. Tonight had been perfect; I wasn't ruining it at the last hurdle. I'd go up there and fall asleep in his arms. Tomorrow... I'd deal with that when the sun came up.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Cameron
How long had it been? I wondered. I smoothed her hair back, kissing her temple. How long had it been since I had woken up with someone in my bed?
That morning last week after we had had sex didn't count. She had been regretful that time, said she hadn't wanted me to touch her again. She didn't feel like that anymore, and thank god for that. It had been years since I had woken up next to someone. I had never lived with any of my girlfriends in the past, but we had had sleepovers so... Just like this, I realized.
Only in the past, I had wanted that to change; in this case, I didn't. I ran a hand up and down her arm. Her back was against my chest, and both of us were dressed. I vaguely remembered her coming to bed the night before after she had said she wanted to blow-dry her hair. I had been too tired to do anything but sleep when I felt her next to me. After spending all day harvesting wood, then the two rounds we had already had, I just hadn't had another in me.
I wondered whether... no, I'd let her sleep. I kissed her lightly again and eased myself off the bed, careful not to wake her. I walked down the steps to the fireplace, to warm the cabin up. I looked out the window to see whether anything had come down the night before. Not much, I assessed, not enough to keep Natalie here the way it had last week.
Too bad.
She had said that this time was just meant to be a short visit. I got that she had a life and making a trek up here whenever she wanted to see me wasn't the most convenient arrangement, but things had started looking a little different lately.
I knew that I liked her, I mean, I had been attracted to her before we had ever spoken to each other. And then she had shown up here, and the storm had happened, snowing us in. It hadn't started then, not yet. It had taken her leaving the first time and me missing her to realize what had probably been going on for longer than I thought.
Natalie Cooke was the first woman that I had felt about in this way in a long time. The only thing keeping me from asking her to stay was knowing she had to leave. Even then, I had already asked her to come back. Since she couldn't stay, I'd be making that request again. Maybe even making my own plans to go down to Provo and see her.
There was something there with her, something that was big enough that I couldn't ignore it. I didn't think I had ever met a woman like her before. She didn't hide who she was from me. She was real. She was honest, and she understood me. I didn't want to get ahead of myself, but I was thinking how to make sure the woman asleep in my bed right now would be back there sooner rather than later.
My thoughts got away from me making the coffee. I couldn't speak for a month from now, but right then, all I wanted was to do this with her, again and again. I wanted to get up in the morning and know that even if she wasn't waking up next to me, she was closer than a three or four-hour drive away.
You know the easiest way to make sure of that, I thought, filling our mugs of coffee. Go back. It's as simple as that. Go back to Provo. I didn't know whether my house there had sold yet, and that place had just been about ten minutes from where she lived. If it had sold already, no big deal, I could get another place. Or we could move in together, I thought recklessly. How about that? I had never wanted to live with anyone in the past, but with Natalie...
She'd probably think it was too soon. I couldn't tell her that. We could start talking about it, figure something out that worked for both of us if she felt the same way. I took the steps back up to the loft and saw Natalie on the bed. She was sitting up and noticed me coming towards her. She was beautiful when she woke up, still sleepy, her hair a little messy and her lips swollen.
"Morning, babe," I said. She smiled at me.
"Hey. Is one of those for me?" she asked. She thanked me, taking the cup. I sat on the bed, facing her. "How did you get up before I did?" she asked. I shrugged. Thinking about it, I probably should have been more tired than I felt, but I wasn't. I felt great. Yesterday had taken a turn for the better, and I wasn't sure I wanted to spend whatever time we had left asleep before I had to watch her leave again.
"Are you still tired?" I asked her.
"No, I'm just not really looking forward to getting back to the city today."
"What time do you want to leave?" I asked her.
"It has to be before noon, I'm afraid,” she said. I nodded.
"Are you hungry?" I asked. "I can get breakfast started."
"I'm alright, but you go ahead," she said.
"You okay?" I asked. She nodded, sliding out of the bed and walking over to the steps. I watched her leave. I got up and followed her down. She was in the kitchen, rinsing her cup out.
"Natalie?" I asked.
"Hm?"
"Is something wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, Cameron," she said shortly. She didn't want to eat anything, okay, fine, whatever. It wasn't the end of the world just because of that, but she seemed a little off. She had been okay just minutes ago, but then I had asked her when she had needed to leave, and she had done a total one-eighty.
"Are you sure you're okay?" She turned the water off and turned, facing me as she dried her hands.
"It's nothing, okay?" she huffed, walking away from me, towards the living room.
"It doesn't sound like nothing," I said, watching her. "What's the matter with you?"
"How long were you planning on staying up here? Realistically. How long did you think you'd be able to run away from your real life back in Salt Lake City?"
"What?"
"Remember what you said? Before you came here?" she asked. "I was there when you told Brett that you just wanted some time to think. You told me you were going away for a while, but you'd be in touch. You weren't running away from responsibility; you just needed a minute to get back on your feet."
I frowned, looking at her. "I know what I said, Natalie. Why are you bringing it up now?"
"Because the clock’s been ticking, Cameron, even though you weren't there to hear it." No, I thought as it came together. Yesterday I had asked her why she had come here and she hadn't given me a straight answer.
"Did Brett send you?"
"The other stockholders have been breathing down his neck to communicate with you. Brett is paralyzed. He needs an answer. He needs to know what is going to happen with Porter Holdings and whether you're going to be part of it going forward." I had turned away from her, walking towards the kitchen.
Motherfucker, I thought. It had been minutes since I had been down here thinking about her, about us. Everything I had thought about the two of us, what I had been feeling lately... shit, even thinking how much easier it would be to see her if we were in the same area. Fucking moving, I had thought about moving to be close to her again, back to Provo. My heart was pounding hard enough for me to hear it. I couldn't believe it. Natalie Cooke, just full of surprises, huh? She had almost had me.
"Stockholders, huh?” I asked, turning to look at her again. “They had a meeting then, is that it? When?"
"Cameron, I—”
"Tell me when, Natalie," I snapped.
"It was the week after you left," she admitted. "I sat in
on the meeting, and it didn't go well. They all wanted to see you, hear from you; what Brett had to say to them wasn't good enough. He asked me that day to come see you." I did the math in my head. She had showed up exactly a week since I had left Provo.
"When you showed up here and said it was because of the storm," I said.
"That was true, Cameron. We knew you were out here without a means of contacting anyone and you'd be in trouble if you got stuck without any supplies."
"You were here a whole week," I said, thinking out loud more than wanting her to say anything to me. "You talked to Brett while you were here."
"He wanted me to talk to you about it then, but I couldn't. It didn't feel right."
"But you can now? What changed?" I challenged.
"There wasn't any time before. I just stretched my luck as far as I could, and it finally ran out. Brett wants an answer from me. Today." My eyes almost bugged out of my head.
"Today? Fuck. You had an entire plan, didn't you? Come out here, stay the night so it was worth the drive, and finally get your answer."
"It wasn't like that, Cameron; I wanted to see you."
"So you could fuck me before you screwed me over?"
She cringed hearing that. "Please, Cameron. I didn't want to have to ask you this, but I have no choice. The company's completely stuck in the mud. Brett can cover for you, but his powers are limited. The other stockholders are talking about forcing a buyout, all kinds of stuff if they don't hear anything from you."
"I'm glad my dad had an employee who cared for the company as much as you do," I spat.
"Cameron—”
"What was it really that brought you up here yesterday?" I asked.
"Brett asked me to come," she said quietly.
"Because the last time he sent you, you didn't get the job done."
"Cameron..." she trailed off, not trying to fight it because I was right. She didn't care. If this had come out earlier, I wouldn't even have been mad. I had thought that about her from the beginning, but she had proved me wrong. Or she had tricked me well enough to believe her. She was smart. Smart and good at her job. That was all she cared about in fact: the company. If it wasn't all she cared about, she obviously cared about it more than she cared about us.
"Sorry I kept you guys waiting," I said to her.
"How long were you expecting for it to happen? Hundreds of people still work at the company, and they weren't just going to stop because you had."
"I didn't expect anyone to stop, Natalie. I asked for a fucking break. That was it."
"You knew that your father left you the company."
"I knew that, but I just found out five minutes ago that I actually had something to worry about."
"Come on. What did you think was happening without you?"
"Nothing, Natalie, because every time I asked you, you said nothing. You didn't tell me. You let me think that everything was fine, so I acted like it was. If you were sent here to say something, why didn't you do it sooner?"
"I hated that I had to be the one to break it to you," she said. "I didn't want to keep pushing this thing you ran from into your new life."
"I didn't run," I said, looking at her.
"Then what are you going to do?" she asked. Last night I had thought was the beginning. Things had changed. She had stopped being just Natalie, and she had become someone who I had started to think I wanted in my future, but not anymore. Just like that, I didn't want her in my cabin. I didn't want her in my bed again; I didn't want to hear her fucking name again.
"You tell Brett I'm done," I told her. "I'm selling." Her face went paper white.
"Cameron, you can't."
"Not the answer you were looking for? Sorry, looks like you came all this way for nothing."
"Cameron, think about this."
"I thought time was up?" I said. Her face was hopeless. She looked guilty and confused, almost betrayed. "You tell Brett what I said, then draw up the paperwork." I turned and started heading back up to the loft.
"Cameron, if the company goes through a change like this, dozens of people might lose their jobs."
"Won't be my problem if the company's no longer mine," I said.
"Why are you doing this?" I turned and looked down at her.
"Because I'm sick of it, Natalie. I don't want to sit in a fucking boardroom with a bunch of suits talking figures. I don't want the people, the conversations, the life that comes with that. My parents survived it, but I don't have to stay because they did. I won't."
"You're not like those people," she said.
"Maybe not, but you are." I turned and walked up the steps. She didn't follow me. I heard her unlock one of the doors and head outside, but I didn't turn to check. She would be cold, she wasn't wearing a sweater over the long-sleeved t-shirt she had worn to bed, but right then, I didn't care. In a couple hours, she'd be out that door for good, and with any luck, she'd stay gone.
Chapter Thirty
Natalie
I didn't think I was out on the porch long, but it was long enough that Cameron came out behind me suddenly, dressed in his boots, hat, and jacket. He walked past me without a word and went down to finish the job splitting wood that I had interrupted the day before with my arrival. I slunk back into the house. I had been cold but hadn't wanted to go back in. I wiped my face, getting rid of the tear streaks.
Good job, Natalie, I thought, walking over to the fire. It warmed my face and hands that had numbed in the cold. Awesome: now he hates you. Now you can go back to the city and never worry about coming up here again. You blew it. Hope you had fun last night because that was the last time you're ever going to be that close to him again.
More tears escaped down my face, and I let them. He wouldn't care, and he didn't have to if he walked in and saw me like that. He owed me nothing now, and it was all my fault. It wasn't even that I'd never have sex with him again. I mean, it was, but that wasn't the worst part. He had trusted me, and I had made him feel like he shouldn't have. He felt tricked, lied to, and I didn't have anything to say to defend myself.
I went up to the loft and got changed, packing. I felt numb. I felt wretched. I should have been honest with him from the beginning. That would have changed everything. I wouldn't have gotten to know him the way that I had, and he probably wouldn't have opened up to me, but then we wouldn't have gotten here. I could have spared him feeling the way he did. And myself too, I guessed, but that was a little different; I deserved this.
I walked out of the cabin towards my car. The snow had been mild, so I wouldn't have any trouble driving back to Provo. I walked down the porch steps and paused, hearing Cameron behind me, splitting firewood. Say something to him, I thought.
Yeah, what? That you're sorry? I don't think he cares at this point.
"Cameron?" He stopped and looked at me. "I'm sorry. I never meant to keep the truth from you. I wish I told you earlier."
"Would have spared you the gas it takes going back and forth," he said darkly. "Anything else you want to tell me?"
There wasn't. All I could say was I was sorry, and if he didn't want to accept that, then he didn't have to. I said goodbye and walked to my car. Driving out onto the road from his property, I had to pull over twice because my vision was too blurred from the tears.
"Fuck," I said, drying my face. The only way that could have gone worse was if... There wasn't any way that could have gone worse. I had completely betrayed his trust. I had been an idiot for thinking he wouldn't have been upset. He was the kind of person that valued honesty, transparency, decency. I had owed it to him to be those things, and I hadn't been, so this was what the fuck I got.
I deserved it, but fuck, it hurt. It had hurt me to see him so disappointed. I couldn't have this epiphany now; I knew it was too late, I could wish as much as I wanted that I had done things differently, but I hadn't, and Cameron had suffered for it.
I didn't bother trying to get back home fast. I wasn't going home, anyway. It didn't make sense to
go home and then come back to the office to talk to Brett. It was over now. He needed to know what Cameron had decided, and I finally had an answer for him. Imagine waiting this long just to hear that he wanted to sell, after all, I thought. Had he thought about it at all? What if he had just said it because he had been mad at me for not being upfront with him?
Yes, Natalie, the man's biggest and most significant career and personal decisions all revolve around you. Like I needed help feeling like garbage after what I had done to him.
It was just after noon when I got to the city, and I shot Brett a text telling him that I was back. I was worn out getting to the office; not the kind of tired that you feel after climbing five flights of stairs but a different kind that was harder to pin down. It had just been that morning when I had been with Cameron, waking up in his cabin after an amazing night together. Now, it felt like a lifetime had passed since then. Like the time when Cameron and I had had something was so far in the past already, it was questionable whether it had even happened.
It was weird being in the office out of my work clothes, but I didn't run into many people between my car and Brett's office on the top floor. He was on the phone when he let me in. I sat quietly on the other side of his desk while he finished it up. He kept framed pictures of his family on his desk. His kids were around my age by now, but the pictures were from years ago when they had been children. Twin sons and a daughter. Grayson Porter had had a picture on his desk of Cameron when he had been a little boy too. I wondered whether it was still there. Had anyone been inside his office since the accident? I was thinking about that when Brett finally got off the phone.
"Sorry for that," he said, looking at me.
"I'm sorry too," I said soberly. He caught my meaning immediately. His face dropped, and he leaned forward on the desk.
"What happened?" he asked. Well, waiting to tell Cameron that I had been sent to get his decision on what would happen at the company instead of being upfront about it had made him hate me, and I lost what could have been a chance with a really great guy who I really liked.
