It’s essential to do this because as long as your focus remains on your mother, you can’t possibly know who you are or what you really want. Anticipating her needs, reactions, and upsets takes the place of exploring your own desires or ever saying “I want” and “I prefer” and “I see it this way.” It’s easy—and far too common—for daughters to take a passive role in their own lives if they are accustomed to reacting to their mothers and forgetting, or never discovering, what it’s like to have an identity of their own.
To individuate, the key task of adulthood, is to become your own woman, and it can’t happen if you’ve never allowed yourself the freedom of venturing toward what you want, expressing your talents, and liking what you like. Within your own boundaries, you are in control. But until now, you’ve behaved as though that were a fantasy, an impossibility. Let me assure you that it’s not—once you untangle your mother’s life from your own.
Creating Boundaries
Boundary-setting is a four-step process that requires both inner and outer work, and a great deal of courage, for which I promise you’ll be well rewarded.
Step One: Decide What You Want
If your boundaries have been weak, take time to think carefully about the kind of behavior you’ll allow going forward in your relationship with your mother. What makes you feel invaded, diminished, belittled, powerless, or erased? Where do you want to draw the line between what you are willing and not willing to do in response to her requests? What is and isn’t okay for you?
You have the right to determine what’s allowable when you’re together. Is it okay with you if your mother starts to restyle your hair? Does she need to call before coming over? Can she call late at night if it’s not an emergency? When she’s at your house, is it all right if she picks up a letter on the counter and looks at it, or goes through your drawers or refrigerator? Do you mind if she borrows things without asking? Reorganizes your closets? Reads the texts on your cell phone? You get to set the rules within your own “borders,” and they’ll be as distinct and individual as you are.
Remember that you always have the right to be treated with respect, and to protest unfair treatment or criticism. It’s vital to reinforce those rights with boundaries. It’s never okay for your mother to yell, threaten, or verbally abuse you. You have a right to ask her not to criticize you, your friends, or your family. You can ask her to withhold unasked-for advice. You don’t have to accept any more blame or responsibility for her problems and upsets.
If you find yourself wavering or feeling unsteady as you prepare to start letting your mother know what you want, check back to your personal Bill of Rights. You are an adult with options and choices, and you can move a giant step closer to claiming your freedom by making a list of your mother’s unloving behavior that you’d like to protect yourself from. The space you put between yourself and that behavior is a boundary. It’s not necessary or advisable for you to put all your boundaries in place at once—you’ll probably do it over time—but it’s essential for you to be clear about what you want.
Step Two: Use Position Statements to Express Your Wishes to Your Mother
A boundary known only to you is meaningless. It becomes real when you clearly inform your mother of the new ground rules for your relationship with her, and then tell her when she’s crossed the line and made you feel uncomfortable, or made a request, demand, or assumption you don’t want to go along with.
You set boundaries with position statements. These are clear, direct, nondefensive expressions of what you want. Position statements begin with words like:
• I am no longer willing to …
• I am willing to …
• It is no longer acceptable for you to …
• It’s not okay that you …
• I need you to …
They sound like this:
• “Mom, I’m no longer willing to listen to your complaints about Dad. I need you to have those conversations with someone other than me.”
• “It’s not okay that you criticize my husband.”
• “It’s no longer acceptable for you to drink in my house or around my children.”
• “I’m no longer willing to continue spending every Sunday with you. I am willing to make a monthly date, but I need you to make other plans most Sundays.”
You don’t need to apologize, explain, rationalize, or plead. Keep your position statement on point: What’s okay? What’s not? That’s what you want to communicate.
Step Three: Plan Your Responses, Then Use Them
In a perfect world, you’d state your preferences, your mother would give you a hug, say, “I didn’t realize that was bothering you. Of course I’ll change!” and you’d have a wonderful relationship from then on. But real life with an unloving mother is a good bit messier than that. Your boundary-setting will come as a shock to your mother. She’s rarely or never seen you be assertive in this way, and she’s probably assumed you never would be. She may well be threatened by your newfound power, and she’s certain to push back.
That’s why it’s so important to be prepared for what she’s likely to say, and to practice the responses you’ll give, just as you did when you were learning nondefensive communication. This time, you’ll concentrate primarily on staying focused on your position without being drawn into arguments, explanations, or critiques of your own behavior. Here are a few examples (you’ll see more later in this chapter):
WHEN SHE SAYS: “Why are you doing this now? It never seemed to bother you before.”
YOU SAY: “It bothered me a lot, Mom. I just never had the guts to say anything about it before. I’m no longer willing to accept …”
WHEN SHE SAYS: “What’s gotten into you?”
YOU SAY: “Courage and clarity, Mom. I’m no longer willing to overlook, excuse, pardon, or accept unacceptable behavior.”
WHEN SHE SAYS: “Who put you up to this?”
YOU SAY: “It’s all me, Mom. I’ve been giving this a great deal of thought, and I’m no longer willing to accept the status quo/accept things the way they are.”
Step Four: Decide on Reasonable Consequences
Your mother may resist or refuse to honor the boundary you’ve set, so you’ll need to have a plan for what you’ll say—and do—if her response to you is negative. I’m not talking about punishment; I want you to focus on taking yourself away from the harmful behavior. When you set a boundary, you’ve deemed particular behavior unacceptable to you. To protect yourself from the effects of that behavior, and to demonstrate your seriousness both to your mother and yourself, you’ll need to put distance between yourself and the behavior. How do you do that when she pushes back? First, restate your position statement to make your boundary clear. Then, if it’s still not honored, you can:
• Leave.
• Ask your mother to go.
• Hang up the phone.
• Set limits on your contact with her.
There are many other possible responses, so think about what makes you feel the most protected from the behavior that bothers you. The object of distancing yourself from your mother’s unloving behavior if she doesn’t honor your boundaries is not to retaliate, hurt, or shame her. Rather, it’s to act in your own best interests.
Deciding what to do in advance, letting your mother know your plan, and making an unbreakable commitment to yourself to follow through will all ensure that your communication with her is clear, and that your actions will match your words.
You can’t change your mother’s behavior—only she can do that—but you do have the power to change the relationship by changing your own actions.
Lauren: Practicing Position Statements
After her success with nondefensive communication, Lauren was eager to take a next step and set some ground rules with her mother.
LAUREN: “It’s such a small thing, saying something like, ‘I’m sorry you’re upset’ instead of apologizing or caving in. But it works. The nondefensive stuff has made me
feel a lot stronger. But Mom’s still expecting me to call every night, and instead of calming her down after I’ve ‘missed’ a call, I just need to get on with it and tell her that I’m not going to be on her schedule anymore.”
That’s where position statements come in, I told her. I explained the basic concept and asked her what kind of phone relationship would feel comfortable for her.
LAUREN: “I really don’t want to talk to her more than two or three times a week. That would feel great. Maybe ultimately I could even decrease it… . And it doesn’t have to be a long conversation. I just want to know she’s okay, and let her know I am. But I just can’t bear the thought of spending hours on the phone, with her grilling me about my personal life and making plans for me.”
SUSAN: “How are you going to tell her that?”
LAUREN: “I can say something like, ‘Mom, before we hang up, I need to talk to you. I want to let you know I’m not going to call you every day anymore. I have a life of my own. I’m happy to call you a couple of times a week, but it’s no longer okay that you want all the details of my personal life during these calls. Also, it’s no longer okay for you to call me at work. You can leave a message on my cell, but it’s not okay for you to call me on my office line during the day.’ But I just know that if I don’t call her every day, she’s going to keep calling and badgering me. That’s what she always does. I just know that she’s going to flip out and say I don’t love her anymore.”
Enmeshed mothers do what works for them, and Lauren had taught her mother that she would get her way by simply marching over her daughter’s boundaries. Every time Lauren accepted that, she was reinforcing her mother’s behavior. Now, to teach her mother new behavior, she would have to stand firm. Once she was clear about her boundary—two or three calls a week, no calls at work—she would have to tell her mother, and show her, that she was serious about it. “What will you do if your mother starts calling after you’ve told her the new ground rules?” I asked her.
LAUREN: “I don’t want to cave as I’ve always done… . It will be hard, but if she calls me at work, I’ll tell my secretary not to put her through, or cut the conversation and let her know I’m going to hang up.”
SUSAN: “So you’ll want to tell her that as well. ‘Mom, I need you to respect my wishes and not call me between our twice weekly calls. And if you do call me at work, you’ll leave me no choice but to ask my secretary not to put you through unless it’s an emergency. This is serious, Mom.”
LAUREN: “But she’s going to go nuts. I can just hear her now saying, ‘What have I done to deserve this? Why are you punishing me?’ ”
It’s common for many mothers to cast themselves as the victim when you begin to resist their unhealthy behavior. That’s a powerful form of manipulation. You don’t have to accept it, I told Lauren. One effective response is: “Just calm down. There are some new ground rules in place and you need to hear them and take them seriously.”
You’ll be far more empowered if you don’t respond to your mother’s specific questions or accusations and instead stay focused on the limits and boundaries you are putting in place. It doesn’t matter if you sound like a broken record. Your mother may be so off balance, shocked, or bewildered that she doesn’t fully take in what you’re saying at first. Just continue to set your limits, tell her very clearly what the new rules are, and spell out what you’ll do if she disrespects or violates them.
“Believe me, I understand your reluctance to stand your ground and get your mother to take you seriously,” I told Lauren. “I know that you feel really uncomfortable setting limits because it sounds harsh and unfeeling to you. And I respect that you don’t want to hurt your mother’s feelings. But you still need to take care of yourself. And if you don’t, nothing will change.”
LAUREN: “I know. Then I guess there’s nothing to do but … do it.”
I advised her to write out a short script for what she would say, and to memorize it, along with a few of the responses we’d talked about. As she’d learned with nondefensive communication, there’s nothing like practice to make new words feel comfortable and natural.
Lauren was smiling broadly when she came in for our next session.
LAUREN: “I can’t believe it, but I did it, Susan. It wasn’t perfect— I was nervous and I felt guilty as hell, but I did it… . The hardest part was when she started crying and reminding me of how she’d been there for me when I was younger. My heart was pounding out of my chest, but I told her, ‘Mom, we’re talking about the present now. We’re two adults, and our relationship isn’t healthy—we’re too enmeshed. I’m not saying that you’re totally responsible for this unhealthy relationship we’ve had. In many ways, I’ve allowed it to happen. I do enjoy being with you and talking to you, but not with the frequency you want. I care a lot about you, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to continue this ritual. It’s not okay for me, and it doesn’t feel good. I’m sorry you’re upset.’
“It was all I could do not to say anything more when there was a long silence at the other end and she was sniffling and crying. I felt awful. Finally she said, ‘Don’t you love me anymore?’ I said, ‘Mom, don’t be silly. Of course I love you. But I need you to respect my wishes. I need to go now. I’ll talk to you in a few days.’
“At first she kept calling back, and I didn’t answer the phone, so she left messages on my voice mail. She finally quit calling, though she sounded pretty upset in the messages I did listen to. But I’m here, I’m still standing, so I guess that means I’m surviving my guilt. It’s been two weeks now with me being the only one who makes the call, and she’s calming down. I’m really starting to feel a lot less smothered, and a lot less guilty. And I like her a lot better when I don’t resent her so much.”
I told Lauren how proud I was of her and how proud she should be of herself. Then I asked her to take her right hand, pat her left shoulder, and while she was doing that to say to herself: “You did really good, kid.” She gave me a quizzical look, but she did it. And then she smiled and said she wanted to do it again.
With that first boundary, Lauren was establishing a precedent. It was the beginning of a process—with one position statement you can’t expect an immediate 180-degree change in your mother. But by changing your behavior, you’re creating an atmosphere in which she will either change hers slowly or demonstrate to you that she’s unwilling to change. It will take time for you to find out, so be patient. This is new behavior for you and for her.
Karen: Responding to a Mother
Who Goes Ballistic
Some mothers, like Lauren’s, will resist your position statements at first but gradually begin to honor your boundaries. Others, though, may react badly, with yelling, threats, or extreme anger.
That’s what Karen expected. She had been working with me to find new ways to respond to a volatile, controlling mother who had been highly critical and verbally abusive when Karen announced her engagement to her boyfriend, Daniel. (You can see our earlier sessions in the chapter on controlling mothers.)
Karen had come to see just how much her mother’s control had poisoned her life, and she knew it was time to change from being reactive to being proactive, which would mean setting firm limits on her mother’s behavior. But, like many daughters, she was scared to death to try.
KAREN: “In my mind I know how to do the position statements, but I don’t know what she’ll do… .”
“We have a lot of evidence of what your mother is like, and the way she’ll respond if you challenge her,” I told Karen. “She’s insulted you and Daniel, tried to bully you, and threatened to withhold any support for your wedding. So we know that if you tell her you’re not going to accept being treated that way any longer, she’s not suddenly going to change her stripes and say, ‘You’re right. Let’s sit down and plan the wedding, sweetheart.’ It’s just not going to happen. But we can work on strategies to deal with whatever she does.”
KAREN: “Well, part of me is going, ‘What�
�s the point, then?’ She’s just going to blow up, it’ll be really ugly, and I’ll probably feel beaten down the way I always do.”
SUSAN: “The important thing is that you’ll be protecting yourself with firm boundaries. You’ll be letting her know she can no longer control you. You can’t let fear run your life. Is your fear more powerful than your commitment to yourself to have a better life? Is your fear more powerful than your love for Daniel? Is it more important than your self-respect?”
KAREN: “No, I really want to do this, and I know I have to… . But I’ve tried standing up to her before and it never worked.”
I assured Karen that she was far more focused and clear, now that she’d gone through the three steps of deciding what she wanted, practicing position statements, and deciding what she would do if her mother didn’t honor her request. The script she prepared sounded like this:
“Mom, it’s no longer acceptable for you to berate and insult Daniel, and it’s no longer acceptable for you to insult me, either. From here on out, the subject of the wedding, and Daniel, is off-limits. It’s not okay for you to tell me who I can marry. If the subject comes up, I’ll end the conversation. If you insult me, I’ll end the conversation or leave.” It was just five clear, very powerful sentences.
Now she could prepare for the fireworks she was sure she would face. It was possible that her mother would surprise her and be reasoned and reasonable—but it wasn’t likely.
First, I told Karen, she should determine the conditions for the boundary-setting conversation. Rather than letting anxiety build as she waited for the next unpleasant scene to unfold when she would challenge her mother’s behavior, she could take charge and decide when she was going to initiate the conversation. And she could decide whether to have it in person or over the phone.
If you believe your mother will be abusive, there’s no need to have a conversation in person or in a situation that makes it hard for you to leave if you need to. I suggest using the phone. It lets you say what you need to say in a space that feels safe to you, with your script in front of you, if that makes you feel more confident.
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters Page 19
