by Anne Key
“Thank you.” She bowed, playing with him.
Eli grinned and shook his head at her. “Dork.” That was cool, right? She could do that now. Just kiss him for no reason, just because he was there. He knew he could do the same—reach out and take her hand or whatever—but he was kind of hyperaware of how alone they were at the moment, which was as incredible to him as it was terrifying. He stood up and leaned over her bed, pulling pieces of their presentation together and putting the pages in order mostly just to keep his hands busy. “Did your dad get you that cover thing? The plastic one?”
“Yeah. He’s not bad for a silly old daddy. I suppose I shall keep him.” She waved her hand dramatically, then cracked up.
Eli laughed. “Well, he does have a car and spending money, so I guess he’s still worth keeping around.” He watched Sammy giggle, watched how she covered her mouth with a hand hidden by her too-long sleeve, and how little wisps of hair fell out of her pigtails and around her face.
“Okay, so. You want to see my Halloween costume?”
“Oh my god. Yes! Is it done?” He loved how she’d just jumped into the whole steampunk idea with him.
“You’ll have to tell me.” She pushed off the bed and pulled out a cheerleader uniform dyed a dull brown with a lacy collar that stood up all around. There were gears around the waist and the bottom of the skirt too.
“Dude, that’s perfect!” He dumped their project on the bed and crossed to her, then picked up the skirt in his fingers. “I love the gears around here. And the collar is cool.” His was so not done, but now he had incentive to catch up. “My coat is done, but I need boots and some kind of ruffly shirt. Maybe we should go to Goodwill later or tomorrow.”
“I’m all over that. I want to find some more stuff to dye. That was fun.”
“You gonna put it on or what? Hard to see what else you need for it on the hanger.”
“Sure. Be right back.” She disappeared into the bathroom like a ghost.
Eli watched her go and then looked around her room. It was pretty small, but most bedrooms in old houses were. At least she had a closet. No question this was a girl’s room, though. Apart from his sister’s, he hadn’t been in one in a long time. But he remembered when his room was pink with frilly curtains and his comforter had flowers all over it. Ugh.
He went back over to the bed and finished pulling the project together. He picked up the plastic report cover Sammy’s dad had bought and fought with it, trying to get all the pages to line up. “What? Really?”
She giggled for him, so soft. “Seriously? You’re such a boy.”
“Yeah? Well, you do it, Smarty—” He turned around to get a look at her costume and froze. “Wow.” The skirt was short. Which, okay, cheerleader uniform, but still. Short. “Wow.”
“Cute?” She spun, her little skirt fluttering wildly.
So, a dress can be cute, but not pigtails? “It’s… uh.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah. Cute. And it’s kinda hot. It looks great on you.”
“Thanks! All I have left to do is pom-poms.” She came over to him. “My favorite part is the waistband with the gears.”
“I’m a fan.” Eli traced one of the gears on her waistband with his finger. “I’m kind of a big fan.” He dropped the presentation on his chair and ran both his hands along the waistband and around to her back.
“Oh.”
That little sound settled in the pit of his stomach. There was time to wrestle with the science thing later, right? “Uh-huh.” He bent and kissed her, sliding one hand up her back and pulling her closer. A lot closer.
“Eli….” She stepped right against him, her hands sliding over his shoulders.
That was nice. Her hands were warm, and she felt both soft and strong in his arms. He knew he wanted… something. More. His eyes closed, and he tried to kiss her more deeply, opening his mouth a little and tasting her lips with his tongue.
She touched his tongue with hers, so careful, and somehow this had always sounded so nasty, so gross, but it wasn’t.
He got the feeling this was one of those things she knew more about than he did, but that was actually kind of awesome. He experimented a little, followed her lead, and it was amazing. He could feel her breath between them but didn’t realize how breathless he was until she gave his shoulder a squeeze and gently pulled away. He was breathless all right, and light-headed or… something too.
“Daddy’s gonna come check on us soon.” She was breathing hard, and she looked at him in this new way that he didn’t quite get.
“Yeah.” Okay. He heard that. He tried to say so but couldn’t get any actual words out. Seriously, he couldn’t breathe, forget talking. He stared at her another second, trying to figure out what she wasn’t saying, what that look meant. He kind of thought he knew, but he didn’t want to push his luck and upset her. He nodded and stepped back, letting her go.
She smiled at him, then stroked his jaw, the touch leaving a trail of fireworks behind it. Then she bounced off again, leaving him to sit with a blink and a sigh.
Once she’d disappeared through the bathroom door, he stood up again and paced across the room, pressing the heels of his hands against his forehead. Hard. Holy crap. So, whatever her look meant, it was good. Really good. He knew he was grinning stupidly again. He was doing that a lot lately when it came to Sammy.
That kiss was amazing. A-maz-ing. He felt… great. He felt like he could fly. He couldn’t stop himself from laughing out loud, and he pumped his fist in the air.
Sammy had a little notebook by her bed, the cover decorated with doodles, and it caught his eye—little hearts, weird cat drawings, and his name. Over and over. That gave him a little thrill, he had to admit.
She really did like him, thought about him when they weren’t together.
His head felt a little swimmy, and the rest of him still felt tingly. But he seriously needed to get it together before she got back. She’d want him to be cool, right? Chill. He took a deep breath and tried to let it out slowly. Still smiling, he drew a finger across her notebook. That was so freaking cool. An evil little part of him itched to pick it up, flip through it, get a little look into her mind, but he didn’t do it. He wanted to, but he would never. Imagine if she got hold of his journal? Shit, she’d run screaming.
He headed back around to his chair and sat, dropping the pile of papers in his lap.
SAMMY SPLASHED water on her wrists, telling herself to calm down.
She didn’t want to calm down.
She wanted to go in there and crawl onto Eli’s lap and get right back to making out. Somehow, she didn’t think Daddy would be all over catching her doing that, though. She wasn’t sure whether Eli would. How did you know, if there wasn’t a hard-on?
“How’s it going in here?”
Sammy jumped. Damn, Daddy must have snuck up those creaky stairs. And she definitely hadn’t heard him knock on her bedroom door. She felt bad for Eli; if she jumped and she wasn’t even in the room, she could only imagine how he felt.
“Oh. Hi. Really great, Mr. Moore. We’re doing good. Thanks for the cover.”
“Oh, no problem. Hope I got the right thing.”
“You totally did. Sammy’s in the bathroom. She showed me her Halloween costume.”
She opened the bathroom door, grinning at Daddy. “He liked it!”
“It’s fabulous, isn’t it? Sammy’s been working really hard on it.”
“It so is. The gear belt is neat. We’re thinking we need to head over to Goodwill. I need to find a couple more things, boots and a shirt. And I was thinking maybe Sammy might want some like, canvas or leather pants.”
“Oh, that’s a good idea. That skirt is kind of short.”
“Oh, I…. Well, I was just thinking, you know, October. It’s cold out.”
“Uh-huh. Thanks for looking out for her, Eli.” Oh, Daddy was so on to him. Poor Eli.
She rolled her eyes. “I have neutral tights, y’all.”
Her legs were her b
est feature, after all.
“I think you better try putting this together, Sammy,” Eli suggested, changing the subject and holding out the messy stack of papers stuck into the report cover.
Daddy just laughed. “Why don’t you two come grab a snack after you get that together. We’re just finishing up painting the back hall.”
“Thanks, Mr. Moore.”
“You bet.” Daddy left the room, leaving Sammy’s door wide open.
She giggled. “Not real subtle, but nice. Also, Jian cooks, so snackage might be good.”
Eli stood up and stepped right up to her. “If you mean me, I kind of… can’t do subtle right now.”
“I meant Daddy, silly.” She wrapped one arm around his waist, leaned in, held on.
Eli kissed her forehead and pulled her right into a hug. “Yeah, he… he’s not as clueless as I thought he was.” He sighed. “We… should talk, I guess. Because.”
“Yeah. We’re sorta….” She grinned to hide her nerves and rubbed their noses together. “Yeah. It doesn’t have to be a bad talk, though, right?”
I can’t be like you, Momma. I’m sorry. I’m not going to lie.
Eli kissed her quickly. “What? You have something bad to say after that kiss? Because I sure don’t.” He smiled at her.
“Only that it made me goofy.” It had made her ache too.
Eli snorted. “Well. Goofy is one way to put it. If it makes you feel better, I’m still tingling.” He leaned away, just enough to stretch toward the door and push it closed. “Sorry, Mr. Moore.” He hooked a finger under Sammy’s chin and lifted it to look at her. “I kind of live in confusion all the time. I’m good with this stuff. Hard doesn’t have to mean bad. Trust me?”
“I do, like with all my heart.” Even if she didn’t know why.
Eli smiled. “Awesome. I trust you too.” He steered her over to her bed and sat in the chair he’d pulled over. “Any idea where we should start?” He laughed. “Kidding. Nervous, but kidding. We have to start with me, I know. I mean, I’m not at all the kind of boy you’re used to dating.”
“No. No, I’ve never met anyone like you.” And it had to do with the whole boy-parts thing, sure, but part of it was that Eli seemed to really like her. Eli didn’t seem to care if she was arm candy. That was a big part.
“Okay, so. Let me just say, just so it’s out there, that this is all completely new to me. Everything, every step with you is my first time, you know? So, it’s not like I’m miles ahead of you on how to be with someone like me. I don’t have advice.” Eli smiled shyly at her, but he was watching her, meeting her eyes off and on.
“So… okay, I’ve had a boyfriend. I’ve done… things. I never had real sex, though, ’cause I was scared I’d catch pregnant, and he didn’t want to wait for me to get on the pill. I don’t know how to… I mean, I don’t have any idea what happens next, and I don’t know who to ask.” Because that’s what girls did, right? They asked their friends. She didn’t know anyone who was dating someone like Eli.
Eli gave her hand a squeeze. “Yeah, I hear that. But I—” He took a deep breath and sighed. “Okay, wow. So, this is where my weird dysphoria stuff comes in. Because I was going to tell you I’m not worried about that, since we’re really the same from the waist down.” He shrugged. “Which is harder to say than I thought it would be, and probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to you.”
She didn’t know what to say. What would make Eli feel better? “Can you explain dysphoria stuff?”
“Oh, yeah.” He laughed softly. “I was starting to get worried you were never going to ask me any questions.” He looked right at her, caught her eyes with his. “It’s simple, to begin with. It’s just when a person’s physical body doesn’t match the gender they identify with. So, for me, I’ve just never felt comfortable in my body, and I… just feel like a guy. I just know I’m a boy. So, in my head, my body should be completely different than it is. It’s… disorienting. Like, last year when I was at my old school, I had days I couldn’t even shower. I just didn’t—couldn’t look at it. I… uh. I shower in the dark sometimes, now.”
He swallowed. “I mean, if you close your eyes, you feel like a girl, right? Makeup and dresses and cute shoes. So, imagine if you opened them and saw a penis in the mirror.”
“I would be pissed off, yeah. Will it… I mean, will it ever get better?” She knew that sometimes she hated that she felt fat, but she just stopped eating for a few days and did two hundred sit-ups. What if Eli hated being Eli forever? How could you be happy?
Eli shrugged. “Maybe? Maybe when I look more like a boy? I’ve been talking to my parents about starting T—testosterone—that will change my body a lot. And when I don’t have to bind my chest. Maybe? I don’t know. But it’s better now than it was a year ago, and so a year from now? Maybe even better. I hope.”
“How can I help?” That seemed like the best question. Way better than, do you have big boobs, which was what the curious part of her wanted to ask.
“Oh my god.” Eli leaned forward and kissed her. “You already are. Just… stay like you are. Stay you. I meant it last night when I said thank you for saying you love me like I am. It was perfect. I know you thought about that before you said it. Just keep making me feel like the guy I know I am. Keep being… beautiful. In here.” He flattened a hand on her chest, just under her collarbone.
Oh God. Her belly tightened at the touch, and she swallowed her moan.
If he’d heard it, he didn’t let on. He lifted his hand from her chest and stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. “Let’s talk about you. Tell me what you’re thinking. Are you… weirded out? Worried? Do you even want… I mean maybe I’m assuming…?”
“I totally want. I just don’t want you to be unhappy, and I don’t know what to do. I looked online and… wow. That’s intense.” And confusing.
“Well? I can’t promise I won’t freak out about something I’m not expecting, but heck, I can’t promise that about anything. Stuff comes up. Some days are weird. But god, I mean, slowly maybe, but eventually? I want everything with you.”
“Okay. Cool.” So, that was lame, but it was what came out of her mouth. “I’m sorry that you… feel bad.”
“Thank you.” He sat back a little. “I don’t always. Actually, I don’t most of the time.” He looked down at her hands again. “Listen, I have to ask you one thing. I have to ask you to promise me something. Like really promise.”
“Okay.” She tried not to panic, but she sort of wanted to. In fact, she sort of wanted to go, no. No more promises. No more secrets. She didn’t, because that’s not what you did, but she sort of wanted to. “Ask away.”
“Okay. So, Doc says that it’s important that we’re honest if this isn’t working out, you know? If it’s… if we want to break up or whatever. He says you have to just treat me like any other guy. Without worrying about… all the other stuff. It’s a lot to put on you, and I don’t mean to, but I can’t really help the stuff that kind of comes along with being me, you know? So, you have to promise me not to let all of that get in the way of being truthful if it’s not working for you, or… whatever.”
“Breaking up with anyone is hard, Eli, ’cause you know you’re hurting somebody.”
“Right. Well, maybe since you have no idea what I’m talking about, you could just promise so I can tell him we had this talk?”
She winced, stung and ashamed that it had been so obvious. “I’m sorry! I’m not dumb, I just…. Of course, you can tell him anything. I promise.”
Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry, Samantha. Don’t you dare.
“Shit. Shit, I didn’t mean it like that.” He practically launched himself out of his chair and landed on the bed next to her. “I didn’t mean to make you feel dumb. God. I just thought maybe I’d kind of… thrown too much at you.” He laid an arm around her shoulders lightly, tentatively.
“I’m trying hard to…. Do this right, I guess. I don’t know any therapist stuff.” Daddy had aske
d her if she wanted a counselor when Momma had died like it was this totally normal thing, but she wasn’t going to talk to some doctor. No way. She would figure it out. Kinda.
“I’m trying to do it right too, Sparkles. We’re going to screw it up like, a hundred times I’m sure. Doc just wanted to make sure you took care of yourself—and not just me. Is that… better?”
“I think, if I didn’t, Daddy would growl. He’s getting that part down.”
“Good. That’s his job. What did you say mine was, again?” Eli poked her in the ribs, tickling.
“Be nice to me?” She started laughing, twisting under his touch. “Eli! That tickles!”
“Sammy! Snacks!” Daddy sounded… concerned.
Eli leaned on her. “You should tell him not to worry, we were only talking about sex.” He laughed.
“I’ll tell him tonight when I can get the full shock value.” She had to grin. “It’s no fun when Jian is here because he’s just like, ‘Cool, girlfriend.’”
Eli laughed himself right off the bed. “We better show our faces before he busts something.”
“We’re coming, Daddy! Are you two lovebirds ready? No one’s nekkid?” She was going to pee if she laughed any harder.
“It’s not like I can get you pregnant.”
“That’s what I told him.”
Eli looked like she’d grown another head. “You what?”
“I told him that. We also talked about strap-ons.”
Okay, so that wasn’t exactly true, but it was funny.
“What the—no. Just… no.” He kind of tumbled out of Sammy’s bedroom with her, squeezing through the door at the same time.
“You guys be good. You’re going to make Jian bust a gut laughing.”
“Sorry, Mr. Moore.” Eli looked serious. “But Sammy was very concerned about what the two of you might be up to alone.”
“Oh, ho. You’ve been a bad influence, Sammy. Eli used to be so nice.” Daddy winked at them. “Jian made nachos.”
“Like, for-real nachos?” God, that sounded like heaven.
